Need some guidance and prayer...possible cheating husband?


#1

Okay…so recently, I discover that my husband has been talking to a few women that he has kept in contact with since training. I don’t mind that he has female friends, but I’ve found some very racy comments sent to his cell phone and ones he’s replied to with equally racy comments. He once told me he was going to one of these girls barrack’s rooms to do his laundry. He called me a few times while they were in the room “watching movies,” but a few times I called, he didn’t answer his cell phone. He used the movies as an excuse…(which I really can’t say because they could have been watching movies). I’ve confronted him with some of the evidence I’ve found out, and he insists that it isn’t anything serious, I have nothing to worry about, and most of the time he says he is joking and that what is said is intended as a joke. I’ve told him that how he talks to these women is unacceptable and that he needs to honor our marriage and me by not doing these sorts of things. He recently recieved a cell phone message from one such girl that says, “Don’t worry, I didn’t name and names.” I don’t like the fact that there are such secrets between them, and it’s driving me crazy that I don’t know the truth. I do not yell and scream and act crazy. I always sit down with him and tell him what I know, but he shuts down and won’t talk to me.

-Then last week, I intercepted an instant message conversation between him and a very old (and promiscuous) high school friend whom I was very close to. There were a lot of comments made about sex, and them having sex together and watching pornographic movies. I also confronted him with this, and he responded by asking me if I really believe he would actually do something with her, and the old excuse, “I was joking.”

I have no idea what to do. My heart has told me to trust him, and I will honor our marriage no matter what comes between us, but I don’t know how to get him to be honest with me. I am not an unintelligent person, he knows this. And my heart tells me there is more he is not telling me. He is very stubborn, and even counselling hasn’t worked. I’ve asked him if there is anything in our relationship he is missing that he looks elsewhere for, and he says that our marriage is wonderful. If I knew the truth, and he admitted and apologized, I could move on, and we could work on my being able to trust him again as long as he stopped this behavior. I confronted my ex-friend by email, and told her what I had read and that I didn’t appreciate it. Since then, she has not contacted him, although he sent a message to HER apologizing. I’ve since debated on whether or not I should ask these other women if anything has happened between themselves and my husband, at the risk of them not being honest with me as well. I have become a snooping, jealous wife, intent on finding the truth. My faith tells me to honor my husband and trust that he is being truthful with me, but all the evidence tells me otherwise. I am at my wits end, and although I go on with my daily life, these incidents are at the fore-front of my mind all the time. Am I crazy for believing these excuses? Should I talk to the other women involved (as a mature adult, of course), let it go? What? I don’t know what to do anymore. He consistently breaks the promises he makes. I’ve obviously let him get away with all this so far, and please don’t tell me to leave him, because I’m in a tight financial situation and am in a place where I have no support system right now. I don’t plan on letting my husband destroy our family with sex talk, but I need to know just how much I can trust him…

I’m sorry this is so long…I’m just a mess right now. Please give me some ideas.


#2

I am SO sorry this has been happening to you. :frowning:

I have never been good with advising in these situations. I do offer you my prayers and shoulder to cry on! :console:


#3

Thank you so much for being kind to me. I really needed to read that. :slight_smile: Mostly everyone I go to for advice has been upset with me for putting up with this…but they aren’t me…and I try to be the most fair and forgiving person I can be. I grew up in a home where my parents were divorced when I was young because of my mother’s infedility. I simply can’t put my children through what I went through. I don’t want to let this get the best of me.


#4

Hi, I read your post, and I am very sorry for what you are going through!!

First of all, I don’t think you should talk to these other women, and second, his behavior is not acceptable. He is not honoring you as his wife when he is going to have some fun with these women even though he knows that you don’t approve of it!

I don’t know whether or not you have some family close by. I will talk to him and try to tell him one more time how much he is hurting you by behaving the way he is, and I will ask him to stop seeing these women at once or you will leave until he is ready to be a responsible husband. I know this is harder to say then to do, but I don’t see any other solution. I think he does it because he knows that you won’t leave and that gives him some cushion. Do you have any children together? If you don’t, you should not have problems to be on your own.

I hope and pray that things will work out for you. Also, prayer is a powerful tool, use it!! :hug1:


#5

No problem. You are a good person. If you weren’t you would care less about the whole thing. But you DO care. You are doing a great job of caring for your family…and being SO compassionate to someone who has hurt you SO much. Just like Jesus was compassionate and forgiving to those who hurt Him. :slight_smile:

If you want a place to hang out and just chit chat…we have a group of people (all are welcome!) who hang out and talk throughout the day. It is still on CAF. Here’s the link: forums.catholic.com/showthread.php?p=2336779#post2336779 Come and join us sometime! :thumbsup:

God bless you! :slight_smile:


#6

Actually, from an outsider’s perspective, it sounds like he doesn’t think you’re smart. Atleast smart enough to leave him instead of staying with a cheater the rest of your life. I do apologize if this sounds harsh, but I want you to know that you’re worth more than what your husband is offering you.

I hope you and your husband can work this out and he starts respecting your marriage, but please don’t think you have to put up with his infidelity for the sake of the children. I know divorce is never what we want to model to our children, but neither is acceptance of infidelity either.


#7

If it was me, I think that would be enough evidence to convince me that he was being unfaithful. Even if he wasn’t actually cheating though, it is clear that he is not treating you in a way that indicates he has any respect for you as a wife or for the commitment he made in marrying you. In a way it almost seems like he is doing all of this to mock you and make you feel like a fool. It seems like he is cheating and doing it in a very abusive way.

I don’t really see how you could stay with him. Aren’t you worried that he could expose you to something? Plus, the way in which he is doing this is like a form of emotional torture and you are his hostage. I really think you should discuss this with your priest. I hope that you have some family that you could go to as well, because you really should think about separating.

You really do deserve to be treated with so much more respect than this, and I am sorry that your husband doesn’t see it this way. You are definitely in my prayers.


#8

We do have children together…2. They are 4 and 7. My family is over 1400 miles away from me. I don’t really have anywhere to go. I know that the fact that he knows I will not leave in his eyes has become tolerance of the behavior, and instead of him appreciating how much I love and accept him, he’s using this as a tool to hurt me further. I pray that he realizes what he is doing to me.

Until then, I really don’t know how else to get him to admit his errors if I don’t catch him. His “aquaintances” are in another part of the country, so I really don’t have to worry about anything as far as physical contact, unless it’s happened in the past (which I suspect). Another area of this situation also has consequences…being in the military and causing infedility in one’s own or in another marriage is a big no-no. This also gives me ammunition. I don’t want to be a vengeful person, but I’m angry, and I could get one particular girl in a whole lot of trouble, just with what I’ve found so far. BUT…I don’t want to be the cause of anyone’s problems. But I’m tired of secrets, and the pain I’m caused. This is becoming a festering problem, and quite frankly, my husband doesn’t wish to speak about the issue any further. He says that I bring this topic up at least once a month, and he doesn’t understand why I can’t move on. I’m afraid that if I continue to bring all this up, over and over again, that I’m going to be the one causing problems in our marriage.


#9

I wonder what your parents would say if they knew how your husband was treating you. Maybe those 1400 miles aren’t as far as you think.


#10

I recommend being assertve about the matter towards your husband. Just tell him you will not tolerate his purpoted joking and closeness to other women. Demand that he stop. Do the same thing to all those women too.


#11

Question - are you both Catholic and married in the Church? If so, perhaps your local Priest could work with the Priest at his base for some coordinated long distance counceling?

It sounds like you are both need someone to step in. He does not seem to be acting like a married man (married people can have friends, but, these friends should be introduced to the spouse and be a friend to both).


#12

Thank you…you have no idea how comforting these words are to me. Seriously, you have NO IDEA how much strength you have given me in this reply. I’ve realized that I am a lot stronger than I think I am, and I’ve realized that my resolve in standing up for my marriage and my family is much stronger than any one person can ruin. Even if it means that I will have to make sacrifices. I am not in any way going to let him get away with these things, but I do believe that revenge in divorce or separation is a way to hurt him, and hurting him back (not to mention my children) is not what I want to accomplish. I want to be the bigger person, but not the person who stands idly by. I think my children would learn more from a mother and father who have character enough to deal with their problems and overcome them, rather than throwing in the towel. Maybe the situation will get worse, I don’t know…and I can’t say what I will do if it does…but again…THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR SUPPORTIVE WORDS!


#13

THANK YOU! That’s exactly what I think…maybe I wasn’t so crazy…:stuck_out_tongue:


#14

Yes, we were married in and a part of the Church…at least we were part of the Church, together. Since my husband has come back from job training, (after basic training) he’s decided not to participate in the Church anymore…he is a converted atheist, and it seems more and more he is going back to his old liberal ways. I’ve tried contacting the priest who was more than involved in our lives, but he’s since become head of the school at our parish as well as the head Pastor. He’s very busy, and since he made so many exceptions for us, I’d feel terrible getting him involved in our problems. I’m afraid he would think that helping us in the first place was a mistake…(He got permission from the Bishop to baptize, confirm, and let us to participate in eucharist before Easter, and married us in the Church just 7 days later.) My husband was a different person then.


#15

Military - yes fraternization with female officers or non-coms is a grounds for serious consequences.

This works both ways. Those women can also be in trouble for sending messages unbecoming of a soldier. Perhaps you could find some way to casually work that into a conversation with them.

Also, is there any chance a military chaplain can be consulted to discuss and mediate the issue? Maybe a 3rd party can better spell out to your husband this behavior is painful to you and your family. Perhaps he can also contact others involved and warn them that further interference is indeed a grave matter in the military.

We pray for your healing of heart and mind and for the bond of your marriage to be healed soon. You are fighting for your family and your strength and courage are in our prayers.


#16

I am so sorry, this is awful.

I agree with Mapi, don’t confront the “other women.” It won’t bring closure, explanations, or anything like that, which I think is usually what people are looking for when they question third parties. I understand the temptation, though, it’s totally normal.

My first reaction to your story was a question: Have you gotten yourself tested for sexually transmitted diseases? I know it’s awful to think about, and it’s pretty pessimistic, but it’s for your own protection, know what I mean? I would think the base would have these tests available, if not, any local Crisis Pregnancy Center should (assuming you’re in the US).

If my husband were doing the things yours is, I would suspect adultery, as well, so I don’t think your suspicions are unfounded.

Can you go to counseling (a Catholic therapist) by yourself, to get a professional opinion on everything? I don’t think the signs are good, but that doesn’t mean you can’t save your marriage. Have you seen your priest?

Blessings to you ~


#17

Oh, it’s awful when they turn their back on God and you. And you are trying to be the good soldier and keep the home together. I understand. I also bet you are the one who takes most care of the kids while he’s off “doing laundry.”

They need you. Get yourself tested. If he’s fraternizing with promiscuous people, you are at risk of a deadly AIDS virus. Will your children be consoled that you “kept the family together” if it put your life and health at risk?

He’s starting down a path. I’ve seen it before. They often don’t turn around. It hurts you right now because you can still see him and remember what it’s like to love him. But eventually he will get so far down the path that you won’t even be able to see the man you knew on the horizon. Then you will have to protect yourself.

He is violating the UCMJ in several respects. Talk to your chaplain. Sounds like he went away on training and had a taste of the bachelor’s life and wants that back. You deserve better. Right now you’re the only one who doesn’t think you do, though.

Keep praying. Stay close to God. And before you get in bed with him again, demand current proof that HE has no STDs. And start demanding that proof once a week. Because he’s playing games with YOUR health. This is not a subject couples “joke” about. There is no JOKING about infidelity. At least not with people who are taking their marriage seriously.

Imagine if the tables were turned and you were off calling from a room with a guy. What would he do? This is a very one-sided marriage. A marriage requires three people. You, your spouse and God. Your spouse is trying to kick God out, and he’s leaving too. You can’t be married all by yourself.

Keep us posted. And BE CAREFUL!


#18

couldn’t have said it better…I agree with Liberano


#19

My answer was addressed just the forgiveness. There are many other perspectives that have to be worked on for this couple. It is the partner that has to do the work needed to not cheat again. Then they have to come together to discuss the future of their relationship, to see if they can lay the groundwork for a strong and faithful marriage.

Private Investigator


#20

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