Need some help here convincing step daughter and grandparents of priorities


#1

OK,everyone, some of you know and some of you don't that my in-laws raise my step-daughter. We basically have a decent relationship at this point. What my dh and I have learned is that if we can make a theological argument on something that is convincing well - we can usually makeour point. Well my step daughter has gotten increasingly large. It has gone past the baby fat issue. She is 11 years old a half inch shorter than I am and at this point has gotten much larger than I have at 31. At Christmas when I saw her she would fit in a women's 10 now I doubt she will that and that is without her having developed the usual female curves. Her father and I are concerned about her health as well as her self esteem but in-laws seem willing to dismiss it as "baby fat." She has told us her doctor has spoken to her about it but that one week every summer at "Sports Camp" should fix it. She says she does not have time to do sports as she does other things during the school year. I have a degree in Health Science and I know this can cause major issues startin now and can even see it in her breathing.

My issue is this. I want to make an unemotional plea to the in-laws. I know that this is affects:

Body as a temple
Sanctity of Human Life

What other arguments can one think of where this can be sinful?

Oh and I am going to let dh present this to his parents but want to makea clear presentation as it will better impress them. (wierd family dynamic)
Thanks.


#2

how are her eating habits? Would the sin of gluttony fit?


#3

Discussing weight with a young girl involved can be tough. I don’t envy you. But I do commend that you are speaking up.

I don’t know the history of the situation but what I can think to suggest is maybe giving the grandparents some awesome healthy cookbooks, like Deliciously Deceptive. You can even mention that YOU have been trying to health up lately and you feel sooo good you just want to share it with them. Also, if you live close, why not volunteer to prepare meals a few nights a week and make them healthy. If the girl is the only one made to change her eating habits, she may feel resentful and it can lead to problems with food that will last a lifetime. Make it a family affair!

However, in regards to the theological approach that seems to work in this relationship. what you have mentioned so far is good. You may want to mention gluttony and that even if she isn’t there yet, she may be led to the temptation of when she is older due to lack of boundaries now. Wording is so important, it would probably make a little girl feel terrible to either overhear or through the grapevine hear herself called gluttonous.


#4

be careful with words as well as approach, some of what I am reading here seems destined to set her up for eating issues, bulemia, gorging etc for life. I would definitely ask for prof guidance before I launch an all out effort on the girl. I agree with Mercy, if she finds out you have been talking about her “problem” behind her back you are defeated before you start and may lose her confidence for good. what does her pediatrician say? where do the grandparents fit into this?


#5

I would be most concerned with diabetes and heart disease, not to mention joint problems and, well you know better than I what else. I don’t know at what level it is to be actually sinful, but to intentionally feed a child a diet that practically causes these diseases, is wrong, IMO. I wouldn’t put it as the child’s problem, but the problem of the grandparents who are neglecting the care of her future health.


#6

Get her a good doctors checkup with a good doc (not the one who she is seeing now).

Buy the All Things Girl books runwaytoreality.org/

Sign up for an activity you can do as a family - swimming time will be here soon! Or family softball, volleyball, gardening, hiking, bikeriding…


#7

OK, part of ths is a family dynamic issue. I am now getting out of the military on a medical and her father was one tournament away from the Olympic Team. He used to work out with her. The grandparents are not in shape and have nelegted their health.When we have spoken to my stepdaughter she has been a good audience but it is hard to develop habits in a short time or a conversation. Since the adoption we have no control over her health care however, her pediatrician seems to be very stern no her for her weght. Last weight she told me was at our wedding and it was 120 when she was four inche shorter and that dress no longer zips at all as of this past Christmas. I am not sure gluttony fits as much as sloth as it seems as the grandparents have steered her away from activities where she could build a common bond with either of us. Even when we offered to pay to put her in classesfor what her dad used to do we got shot down and she was placed in figure skating which was fine and we paid for and then piano which is good for culture but gives no workout.

She has the American Girl Book for growing up - as it turns out her grandma and I both got it for her. I also just got her a Marc Hart book, “Blessed are the Bored in Spirit.” It is beyond the baby fat. We are also four hours away - we have asked to have her for a week this summer - waiting on that on answer.


#8

American Girl = secular

All Things Girl - Catholic :thumbsup:


#9

OK, I was not aware of the All Things Girl Series. I will have to check it out - although her grandmother has asked that I not directly discuss sex with her unless she asks and any books - even Catholic ones we buy her have to go through them first. When I got her the Marc Hart book it was to answer questions she had brought up to her father and I about faith as her grandparents are very obedience based whereas her dad and I are very apologetics based. I believe when children ask and they are 11 and read at a 15 year old level and do math even older you do because the Vatican says so is no longer a god answer. You better be prepared to answer it. The issue is there is a big education gap between the grandparents and us. Not to say one is better than the other but when granddad hands the bok back to you that is written for teens/young adults and says I guess it is OK but I don’t understand it it is putting me to sleep.


#10

[quote="joandarc2008, post:1, topic:194456"]
OK,everyone, some of you know and some of you don't that my in-laws raise my step-daughter. We basically have a decent relationship at this point. What my dh and I have learned is that if we can make a theological argument on something that is convincing well - we can usually makeour point. Well my step daughter has gotten increasingly large. It has gone past the baby fat issue. She is 11 years old a half inch shorter than I am and at this point has gotten much larger than I have at 31. At Christmas when I saw her she would fit in a women's 10 now I doubt she will that and that is without her having developed the usual female curves. Her father and I are concerned about her health as well as her self esteem but in-laws seem willing to dismiss it as "baby fat." She has told us her doctor has spoken to her about it but that one week every summer at "Sports Camp" should fix it. She says she does not have time to do sports as she does other things during the school year. I have a degree in Health Science and I know this can cause major issues startin now and can even see it in her breathing.

My issue is this. I want to make an unemotional plea to the in-laws. I know that this is affects:

Body as a temple
Sanctity of Human Life

What other arguments can one think of where this can be sinful?

Oh and I am going to let dh present this to his parents but want to makea clear presentation as it will better impress them. (wierd family dynamic)
Thanks.

[/quote]

Is she medically overweight/obese? Sizes don't seem consistent from place to place, and I've worn a size 10 at 5'5 130 pounds.

Maybe you and your husband can buy her a subscription to a dance class or a gymnastics class, or something else "girly" if she doesn't like sports?


#11

She has gone into the medically obese. The issue at this point is that yes we would like to spend the money and get those things just as we paid for figure skating before but the problem is is that when exercise gets to be difficult that the grandparents don't push her and off to do something such as piano. Don't get me wrong - I have no problem with music or girl scouts (Ok, some prob with girl scouts on a moral plain but less of an issue since the troop is mostly girls she knows from Church) but instead of looking for balance there is this push to be exceptional at music as opposed to being healthy and decent. I am very worried about her health.

Flying fish you say 5'5" and 130 and I understand b/c I am very athletic and 160 at 5'3" but solid muscle. I am looking at size - we went shopping this past Christmas and she is larger than me through the hips and waist. She is out of breath walking up my stairs to the door. It is sad and unhealthy and she has a history of respiratory problems in the family that by the time she is made aware of it will be too late to go back and take this weight off. Her father was already terminal from it and recovered due to his physical fitness; she cannot even be tested until after puberty has finished. She knows this and can't compreend it and the grandparents are in denial.


#12

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