Need some relationship advice, recently engaged


#1

I wanted to get some unbiased advice from a man and woman’s perspective

My fiance has a friendship with a girl he met on myspace 3 years ago. The original intention was possible romance but he says it wasn’t there and they remained platonic friends since. They communicate through phone and email and don’t hang out in person.
(He says they actually never met in person) She’s single and he recently shared with me that he sometimes gives her love advice. He says I should trust him, there is no romantic feelngs whatsoever and he enjoys the friendship. I worry about emotional involvement and I don’t like that she never has a boyfriend. He has never put her before me in anyway. He always shares his feelings, thoughts and stories with me. I am there for him emotionally 100% and vice versa. I find it a little strange that in 2.5 years he has never spoke to her in front of me. I have never met her. I can get jealous sometimes and am trying hard to be rational and trust him. We are both aware of emotional involvement and he says it is not like that. The situation bothers me and I don’t know if I need to keep a clear head about it or is this relationship leaving a door open in some way?

Just a side note: I am not posessive and don’t mind his other friendships with men and women. I encourage them and know they are healthy. :slight_smile: He has a couple friends that are women from college or old motorcycle riding buddies.

Thanks for your suggestions everyone!


#2

Such friendships aren’t unusual. As the two of you build more of a relationship together, the time he has to invest in that friendship will probably decline somewhat.

I probably would just be clear about what my concerns or preferences would be…like if you want to make sure that he doesn’t vent about his relationship with you to her. I also would try to get an idea of just how much time they spend talking. The more the time, the more concern I would have.

Sometimes it can be nice to have a friend that is not part of your day to day life. This is why pen pals have always had their appeal.


#3

It seems like you two have a great releationship, so you don’t want to accuse him of anything.

Are you on his Myspace? Can you see if she sends him any questionable texts or posts?


#4

*I agree with others, that friendships of the opposite sex are healthy, not abnormal…and it sounds like you don’t have problems with that idea…just THIS ONE. Hard to say without knowing all parties, if you should feel concerned. I like to take people at face value, and trust.

On the surface it seems harmless, but why doesn’t he ever speak to her in front of you? Does he leave the room or something to call her? I was just a little confused on that.*


#5

“I probably would just be clear about what my concerns or preferences would be…like if you want to make sure that he doesn’t vent about his relationship with you to her. I also would try to get an idea of just how much time they spend talking. The more the time, the more concern I would have.”

Thank you, I understand how the venting part can be a bad thing. I need to ask him when were casually talking one day. He says they mostly email and speak on the phone “once in awhile”. They used to have more contact before him and I became serious."**

“Sometimes it can be nice to have a friend that is not part of your day to day life. This is why pen pals have always had their appeal.”


#6

“Are you on his Myspace? Can you see if she sends him any questionable texts or posts?”

I’m not on myspace, just on facebook. I have never seen any posts have been made. I just keep on telling myself to trust him. I’ve never looked at his phone though sometimes I have been tempted to. I know its wrong and wouldn’t want someone to do that to me.


#7

“On the surface it seems harmless, but why doesn’t he ever speak to her in front of you? Does he leave the room or something to call her? I was just a little confused on that.”

I meant that he’s never talked to her on the phone in front of me. In the past 2.5 years, most of all his other friends at some point have called or he called them while I was around. I just thought that was a little strange. It would be reassuring to hear him speak to her because you can tell a lot by the way someone speaks to another person.


#8

To be honest, you have a right to feel uncomfortable. I think it’s hard on a couple when a partner has very close opposite sex relationship and it can lead to a lot of natural tension. Same sex friendships are never “perfect” either, and they may also lead to tension, but it’s significantly easier. You should talk to him. Maybe to a well-experienced priest, they’d probably have some good advice. And if you tell them, they will definitely pray directly for you!


#9

I think you should give your fiance the benefit of the doubt unless there is strong and clear evidence that proves otherwise. I think stable and Platonic relationships with the opposite sex are fine, and it usually takes someone who is fairly morally bankrupt to cheat on a spouse or future spouse to be with a friend.


#10

I was in a situation very similar to this when my (now husband) and I were engaged. He had a female friend that he met at a Catholic Youth conference several years prior. They were friends on myspace and they had made trips to see each other over the years. She would call him and unload her relationship troubles for hours and he would listen and console her. I was very uncomfortable with this relationship even though I had no reason to suspect DH - he is very transparent, loyal and honest. However, I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was going on (or had gone on) between them and that she wasn’t over him. She just seemed to rely on him too much for personal advice. To me, that was fine when he was single, or even when we were dating, but once we were engaged I thought she should have backed off (and he should have encouraged that). I’ll admit I pressed DH about her on more than one occassion, and found out they attempted a romantic relationship in the past, but decided they were better as friends. That didn’t help me deal with the situation any better! Eventually, DH and I were planning a trip near where she lived and she asked to meet up with us. I was very hesistant and DH made the decision not to visit her. After that, she removed DH as a friend on myspace & facebook and we didn’t hear from her for almost a year. Recently, she added DH again with some lame email “I just realized we aren’t friends on here - what’s with that?” I believe DH added her as a friend again, but she doesn’t call or write on his wall anymore.

Perhaps there was nothing to worry about, but I felt uncomfortable and spoke up because I did not like feeling jealous of this girl and I didn’t like how I was obsessing about it. DH had lots of close female friends before we were engaged, and he is still friends with most of them, however all his other female friends changed their behavior slightly once we were engaged (invited BOTH of us to hang out - not just him, did NOT call to vent about relationships for hours on end, etc).

It doesn’t sound like you have anything to worry about, but if this continues to bother you, it might be a good idea to share your feelings with your fiance.


#11

I thought about this for a bit last night and today. Since so much baggage comes in releationships, he is sort of creating some drama by not talking to you in front of her and stuff.

Maybe you should join Myspace (I don’t like it either) and friend them both.


#12

Maybe the reason he never talks to her in front of her is that he hardly ever talks to her on the phone.


#13

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