Hi, I am trying to return to the church. I have never really left, just need to go to mass. See, my mother divorced my father when I was four years old due to him beating her and for alcoholism. She brought me to the States where she married my stepfather. Although they are catholic, they weren’t practicing. My mother had me on birth control when I was 17. She did explain to me that its best to wait until I marry, but if I decide to have sex, to talk to her for birth control. Not once did she ever advised me about the teachings of the church. We never really went to church. I had my communion and confirmation done when I was 14. We went a couple of times when I was in jr high. But my parents couldn’t go to receive the eucharist because they are not married in the church. She had my younger brother and sister go to catholic schools, but my sister lived with her boyfriend before they decided to get married and she is still on birth control because she is not ready to have kids. I am the only one who is trying to get closer to Jesus. I myself got married when I was 21. My exhusband was verbally abusive. He had his parents and some of his sisters live with us. As much as I tried, I couldn’t get along with the sisters. We had two children together. Many times I wanted to leave him because he would always yell at me for dumb things like I didn’t cook something right or it takes me forever to finish a project(wash dishes, clean house, etc). He never hit me, but I have scars from him. The best years of my life was from the time I left high school up until I married. I found a church where they had meetings for the adolescents and young adults like me. I met the best people. people that supported me like my mother never did. Sadly, after I married my exhusband, I had to stop going because although he was catholic, he was also jealous and didnt want me hanging with them. they wree not bad people. He divorced me when I was 24. I fell into disgrace because I was alone, looking for someone to love me and accept me. My friends were all married and busy with their families so I felt left out. Later, me and my ex got back together for a while, then he went to mexico where he got another woman pregnant and so I had to leave so he can bring her here.
I haven’t been to church for a while because I work alot. The churches here are far and I don’t have a car or anyone to take me there so my only alternative is to watch mass on tv. I became pregnant from a man who claimed he wanted to marry me and I have his child and he never told me he was married. He left for mexico and I am raising my daughter by myself. I feel so alone. I want to come back but I feel really unworthy. I feel like I don’t deserve to be in God’s presense. I mean, I am not a bad person. I love people, tend to forgive people alot for things they do to me. I never murdered or really hated anyone. I don’t judge anyone. I don’t steal and I believe that abortion is evil. I just feel that I didn’t have a positive role model in my life. I would have if I lived my life in Mexico instead of here. In mexico, most everyone are devout catholics who don’t believe in abortion or birth control. I need help.