Need suggestions-15 Yr old non Catholic daughter


#1

Hi all,
I would like to know your thoughts on handling a situation. My non catholic 15 year old daughter believes she is gay. I do not believe as such, as we have never seen any inclination towards a same sex attraction in her. She started thinking this way, I believe, when she was hanging around with a “friend” who was apparently gay. This friendship has long ended. My wife thinks I am in denial, while I believe she is too young to come to a conclusion as to her sexuality now, as she is alittle immature emotionally and easily led by others. I think the outside influences have clouded her judgment as to who she may be, although I suspect during the teen years we don’t fully know ourselves.

As a parent, how would you handle this? My heart is breaking and I want to deal with this in a loving manner, but also to try to help her to ID who she truly is and do my best to get her back on a path that leads to heaven. My wife is not much help as she is blinded by the mores of society (she is also non-Cathoilic (Jewish), and thinks pretty much all is ok.

Any thoughts would be appreciated, especially from those Catholic parents who may have gone through this before.


#2

[quote="JohnnyK, post:1, topic:218265"]
Hi all,
I would like to know your thoughts on handling a situation. My non catholic 15 year old daughter believes she is gay. I do not believe as such, as we have never seen any inclination towards a same sex attraction in her. She started thinking this way, I believe, when she was hanging around with a "friend" who was apparently gay. This friendship has long ended. My wife thinks I am in denial, while I believe she is too young to come to a conclusion as to her sexuality now, as she is alittle immature emotionally and easily led by others. I think the outside influences have clouded her judgment as to who she may be, although I suspect during the teen years we don't fully know ourselves.

As a parent, how would you handle this? My heart is breaking and I want to deal with this in a loving manner, but also to try to help her to ID who she truly is and do my best to get her back on a path that leads to heaven. My wife is not much help as she is blinded by the mores of society (she is also non-Cathoilic (Jewish), and thinks pretty much all is ok.

Any thoughts would be appreciated, especially from those Catholic parents who may have gone through this before.

[/quote]

Not being a parent, myself, I can still sympathize with you. I have only two suggestions. One would be to seek counseling -- not secular that would possibly encourage your daughter in her current feelings, but a priest, or a Catholic psychologist who could guide her and help her understand and sort out her feelings. The second would be to seek the help of a saint. Novenas are wonderful. Many prayers are answered through the intercession of saints. I'm currently reading a book of the many miracles attributed to St. Therese, the Little Flower. Mary would be a good source of help. Good luck and God bless.


#3

I'd probably sit down and talk with her and find out why she thinks she is gay. Until then, it's alll speculation.


#4

JohnnyK - My prayers are with you! Pray - pray - pray!

I do not have experience with this in my family but know of another Catholic family where their daughter has made this same announcement. She is older though.

This is so difficult. You are right to handle it lovingly and to hide your breaking heart.

I would speak to a holy priest that you know can handle this type of discussion. This is a very delicate situation indeed.

St. Padre Pio, please pray for JohnnyK and his family at this very confusing time.
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, please be the role model of love and peace in the home of JohnnyK and his family at this very trying time.
St. Michael, the Archangel, please protect JohnnyK and his family at this very vulnerable time.


#5

Hi,
I am a father of four daughters, and may give you a couple of ideas. Seeing your post was a few years ago, I wonder how things have evolved thru the years, oh well. first of all, I think with all the issues of promescuity (sic) one thinking they are gay is a form of self-protection against societal looseness, and permissiveness. (Even today) Being less than 21 and seeking peers of the same gender may be a way to insure her making the personal "right" decision for herself, as a call from God. When I was 15 (forty years ago) it was the foolish who were loose, and parents who did not want their daughters married early would encourage them to stay with their gender peers, as friends, and no one saw anything wrong. Your wife's approach may be most prudent, yet confusing, it's a woman thing. I have one daughter who is 40, and after a great deal of rebellion, finally got married this past September, the reason she waited so long was A) the fear of pregnancy and B) fear that the relationship would not "work out," leaving her alone in the world. In the workplace, this daughter is somewhat of a mentor to her woman peers, much to the chigrin of many males, I am sure. Lastly, be aware that there is nothing wrong in appreciating members of the same sex, it is just when we cross the line, and add the sexual aspect to the relationship outside marriage that it becomes sinful. LOL


#6

Only have a second. Listen to the mp3 on this page called Rock Subculture by Dr John Rao. It may give you some insight as to how a lot of young people are thinking. Since he gave this speech, things have expanded to include stuff like homosexual identity, etc–it’s crazy, but I have been reading about this, that there are groups of high school students engaged in a lot of sexual experimentation, if only identity-wise, and this may be what is going on with your daughter.

Must run. Prayer is the most powerful weapon we have, so pray a lot for her!!!


#7

Very tough and tricky problem. You don’t want to start hammering her with her possible path toward sexual sin. You don’t want to preach too much, lest she choose to rebel through that mechanism. As another poster said, keep neutral and find out why she thinks she is gay. Make her articulate it, as hard as it might be for you to hear. If she can’t really articulate it, but has been influenced by her friend as well as the current youth culture, which really glorifies bisexuality, it should be fairly obvious to you, and maybe to her as well. Pray beforehand for the Holy Spirit to reveal to you the truth about your daughter. Since her mother is a liberal Jew, you really can’t go all Catholic on her or she might run to her mom and cry “emotional abuse.”

Pray a lot! Pray for discernment and patience. Like a lot of things teens try out, this could be a passing phase but if she is at all inclined to rebel against you right now, she could really fall into a hole with this one.


#8

I agree w/ NE ... talk w/ her and see why she thinks she is ...

I have very close relatives who are gay. I love them. Don't have an issue with it. We're all God's children.

Blessings :blessyou:


#9

Most people who want to believe something will not listen to others even if the advice is good.

She will come to her own conclusion on this eventually. Shes going to go through life learning and experiencing new things. I highly doubt this is her final decision. I'd wait it out. Until then, you should talk to her about it and tell her your perspective on the matter.


#10

[quote="JohnnyK, post:1, topic:218265"]
Hi all,
I would like to know your thoughts on handling a situation. My non catholic 15 year old daughter believes she is gay. I do not believe as such, as we have never seen any inclination towards a same sex attraction in her. She started thinking this way, I believe, when she was hanging around with a "friend" who was apparently gay. This friendship has long ended. My wife thinks I am in denial, while I believe she is too young to come to a conclusion as to her sexuality now, as she is alittle immature emotionally and easily led by others. I think the outside influences have clouded her judgment as to who she may be, although I suspect during the teen years we don't fully know ourselves.

As a parent, how would you handle this? My heart is breaking and I want to deal with this in a loving manner, but also to try to help her to ID who she truly is and do my best to get her back on a path that leads to heaven. My wife is not much help as she is blinded by the mores of society (she is also non-Cathoilic (Jewish), and thinks pretty much all is ok.

Any thoughts would be appreciated, especially from those Catholic parents who may have gone through this before.

[/quote]

Hey man. Hope I can help you here. :)

You say you think she is too young to know; but by the time you were 15 didn't you know you were straight?

I know by the time I was 15 I knew I was gay. Once someone hits puberty; they know. Sexual orientation is not something that changes with age, it's something we are born with that is awakened at puberty.

There is not always an inclination to a same sex attraction before puberty; but that does not mean that someone is not gay. It's also very possible that your daughter is bisexual, if you have noticed an inclination to opposite sex attraction.

You say that the friendship that she had with that person is why you believe that she says she is gay. However you also state that she is no longer friends with this person. That would lead me to believe she is not trying to appease her friend. Why would she be saying she's something she's not; if she no longer has any contact with this friend? There's no reason for her to do that.

What is a very likely situation is that your daughter is gay or at least bi and she first came out to her gay friend because she was sure there would be no rejection. Coming out is an extremely hard thing to do to families even if your family is extremely supportive.

To me you do sound like you are in a state of denial especially with the comments about her being immature emotionally and easily led by others. True someone may be influenced by a friend, but that usually does not go as strongly as changing a sexual orientation. That same way you would not be influenced to change your sexual orientation no matter how young or influential you were. And if by some unbelievably extreme case you were; you certainly would not continue that way once your friendship with that person was over. You would go back to who you were before that friend; if they were the reason you changed your sexual orientation.

It is very important that you show your daughter both love and acceptance of her orientation. I'm not saying you have to approve of her dating someone of the same gender, just accept her for who she is as a person. If you continue to refuse to believe her, you may destroy the relationship you have with her. You could also damage her emotionally if you don't believe her. Aside from disowning her as your daughter, there is no worse thing you could do then to refuse to believe her when she opens up her most vulnerable part to you.


#11

There's a psychologist in the Philadelphia area that specializes in marriage and treatment of homosexuality. He has quite a bit of material published on the internet, if you do a search on his name, Richard Fitzgibbons. Read some of his advice regarding adolescents here:

borngay.procon.org/view.answers.php?questionID=000015#answer-id-008429

Dale O'Leary, freelance writer and lecturer, Richard Fitzgibbons, MD, Director of the Institute for Marital Healing, and Peter Kleponis, MA, Assistant Director of Comprehensive Counseling Services, wrote the following information in their Nov. 10, 2008 article titled "Same-sex Attraction in Adolescents," published on Mercatornet.com:

"Encouraging adolescents with same-sex attractions to identify as gay has no scientific or ethical justification. On the contrary, it exposes them unnecessarily to a lifestyle with high and unacceptable health risks and a history they may regret as they mature and realize that their youthful attraction to the same sex was a passing phase...

For more, use link.

Also, in New York, a psychologist, Fr. James Lloyd, who specializes in homosexuality:

frjameslloyd.blogspot.com/


#12

Do the organizations that help people become ‘ex-gays’ really even work? Sounds a little fishy to me.

I mean if people are born gay, that means the organizations don’t actually work, they just help the person cover up their feelings.

If they do actually work, then that means people are not born gay.


#13

If you go through the material published by people like Fitzgibbons, Lloyd, or go to websites like NARTH, or Courage, they claim success with treatment, otherwise, why do treatment? You might also notice that they seem to find homosexuality to be developmental, or that people are not "born Gay".


#14

[quote="CatholicBoy1957, post:13, topic:218265"]
If you go through the material published by people like Fitzgibbons, Lloyd, or go to websites like NARTH, or Courage, they claim success with treatment, otherwise, why do treatment? You might also notice that they seem to find homosexuality to be developmental, or that people are not "born Gay".

[/quote]

Because they're afraid of going to hell?
Seems like a scary enough reason to follow anything you don't want to.
There are many reasons why people don't like to believe in god. I like believing in god because I personally believe hes real and I agree with much he says. Anyways, I know people who lead me to science websites saying people are born gay and blah blah. In the end, there is no real 100% proof that people are born gay. I don't know, and I don't mean to offend any gay people on this board by saying that either. :blush:


#15

You certainly are entitled to that opinion, but I would like to see some research saying that people only say they have successful treatment for their homosexuality because of fear of hell.

I hardly had to look, and found a whole page on the matter of “born Gay”.

narth.com/menus/born.html

I still like the idea that it could be just a passing phase for an adolescent.


#16

[quote="CatholicBoy1957, post:15, topic:218265"]
You certainly are entitled to that opinion, but I would like to see some research saying that people only say they have successful treatment for their homosexuality because of fear of hell.

I hardly had to look, and found a whole page on the matter of "born Gay".

narth.com/menus/born.html

I still like the idea that it could be just a passing phase for an adolescent.

[/quote]

There are people who simply believe in god due to fear of hell.
Not kidding, they are there. But yes, like I said in my post, I bet this girl is just going through a phase. And I never said that people were born gay. I actually said that there is no 100% proof of it. But many gay people and non-believers seem to think there is science that supports it, but even then its not 'for sure'.
If god calls it an abomination, I have no idea why he would allow somebody to be born that way. Thats just messed up. Hence, why I do not believe they are born gay.


#17

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