[quote="puzzleannie, post:17, topic:224095"]
she is an old lady
she is not going to change
you can do nothing to control her speech and actions
you have full control over your own reactions
a) regard it as a gift, say thank you, instruct your kids to write a thank you letter, and use the cash on their behalf in any way you see fit, or ask your kids what they would like to get in the way of food--restaurant visit, fast food gift cards, or even donate to local food pantry
b) choose to feel insulted with all the resentment and bad feeling that entails, including all its harmful physical and emotional effects on you (it won't bother her one bit, you will be the only one harmed if you choose b)
Yes. OP, this comes under the heading of something not to take seriously, like when you're selling platinum records and your grandmother still worries that you won't amount to anything because you're just a singer. She just doesn't get it, she's not going to, and you can live with that, because she's your grandma.
"Thank you, Grandma. I wish you'd change your mind about our ability to make our own choices, but I know you love us, and that's the main thing. No matter how much I feed the kids, nothing will taste as good as food coming from Grandma. Whether we go out to a restaurant or use the money for meals at home, I'll make sure it's something very special." Graciousness aimed at parents and grandparents is pleasing to God, and never wasted. You can live your own life without ever neglecting the honor they are due, even when they are so toxic that you can't have contact with them at all. What is required is that all contact you do have is the most civilized you ever show to another person, because the office God gave the person in your life.
As for the issue with the aunt, if anyone tries to pull that on you again, insist that they advise the person in question that you're willing to talk directly with anyone who has an issue to bring up with you, but that you don't communicate via rumor. There is simply too much lost in translation. Repeat, repeat, repeat, and don't put a lot of stock in anything that someone won't say to you in person. Indirect nonsense like that just makes trouble. Insist on being direct. You'll have more peace and people will recognize that they can trust you once they realize that you always say the same thing behind their backs that you say to their faces. You can't beat that.