Lately I’ve been feeling down, with all that’s going on and as this pregnancy progresses. I don’t feel the excitement I felt when I was pregnant with my ds; I feel scared, nervous, anxious, sad, etc.
My prayer life has dwindled, I don’t want to say that my faith is faltering…but sometimes I wonder. I ask myself what the lesson is here…what am I supposed to be learning and is there a light at the end of the tunnle. I’m scared that I may be in denial and that I may lose it anyday now. I wonder if I’m holding on to hope or denying the inevitable. I feel like I’ve lost the fight only I don’t know how to raise the white flag. I’m able to put on a strong front and no one around me really knows what I’m feeling inside and what goes through my mind at times. They tell me that I’m strong, that they would never be able to handle things the way I have…I feel like a fraud, I am surprised myself that I haven’t gone completely crazy yet and wonder why I haven’t…which is where my fear comes from, that maybe I’m just faking it and will lose it eventually.
My question is whether or not I should tell my husband about the baby’s condition and make him carry some of this burden. Although, I seriously doubt it will affect him in any way, shape or form he’s too involved in his own life to worry about anyone else. At first I was sure I didn’t want him to know, I didn’t want him to think that I was using this to get him back and besides I knew he wouldn’t be any kind of support anyway…he wasn’t when I was pregnant with our healthy child much less with this one. It just irks me to know that he’s living a carefree, single life with no obligations or responsibilities to speak of. In the meantime I’m so tired with no one to help me with my baby when I need to lay down or just run to the store for a carton of milk! I get so frustrated that all the burdens have fallen on me…he thinks that paying the child support is all that is needed in raising children!!! See by doing that he’s fulfilled his obligation in his eyes, in the three months that we’ve been separated he’s seen my son twice, and according to him he misses him immensely…what I’ve come to find out is that he only misses him when he’s alone and drunk! What a pathetic loser I chose for a husband and father…I still can’t get over that :banghead: !!! He’s made comments of getting back together and I’ve said no, I’ve explained to him that he’s not a one-woman man and that I’m not into sharing my husband…I know for a fact that he has several girlfriends, so why would I want to continue to put myself through that? Sorry this was so long, any comments or suggestions would be appreciated, thanks.