Need your advice please!


#1

Lately I’ve been feeling down, with all that’s going on and as this pregnancy progresses. I don’t feel the excitement I felt when I was pregnant with my ds; I feel scared, nervous, anxious, sad, etc. :frowning:

My prayer life has dwindled, I don’t want to say that my faith is faltering…but sometimes I wonder. I ask myself what the lesson is here…what am I supposed to be learning and is there a light at the end of the tunnle. I’m scared that I may be in denial and that I may lose it anyday now. I wonder if I’m holding on to hope or denying the inevitable. I feel like I’ve lost the fight only I don’t know how to raise the white flag. I’m able to put on a strong front and no one around me really knows what I’m feeling inside and what goes through my mind at times. They tell me that I’m strong, that they would never be able to handle things the way I have…I feel like a fraud, I am surprised myself that I haven’t gone completely crazy yet and wonder why I haven’t…which is where my fear comes from, that maybe I’m just faking it and will lose it eventually.

My question is whether or not I should tell my husband about the baby’s condition and make him carry some of this burden. Although, I seriously doubt it will affect him in any way, shape or form he’s too involved in his own life to worry about anyone else. At first I was sure I didn’t want him to know, I didn’t want him to think that I was using this to get him back and besides I knew he wouldn’t be any kind of support anyway…he wasn’t when I was pregnant with our healthy child much less with this one. It just irks me to know that he’s living a carefree, single life with no obligations or responsibilities to speak of. In the meantime I’m so tired with no one to help me with my baby when I need to lay down or just run to the store for a carton of milk! I get so frustrated that all the burdens have fallen on me…he thinks that paying the child support is all that is needed in raising children!!! See by doing that he’s fulfilled his obligation in his eyes, in the three months that we’ve been separated he’s seen my son twice, and according to him he misses him immensely…what I’ve come to find out is that he only misses him when he’s alone and drunk! What a pathetic loser I chose for a husband and father…I still can’t get over that :banghead: !!! He’s made comments of getting back together and I’ve said no, I’ve explained to him that he’s not a one-woman man and that I’m not into sharing my husband…I know for a fact that he has several girlfriends, so why would I want to continue to put myself through that? Sorry this was so long, any comments or suggestions would be appreciated, thanks.


#2

As the father, he has the right to know.

I’m not sure it will help you though. Even in an ideal pregnancy with lots of support, I find it difficult to pray. Pregnancy is just very draining.

To God, your life as you are now living it in the midst of a difficult time is a prayer.

Be good to yourself. Make sure you are eating well, and resting properly.


#3

[quote=JMJ Theresa]As the father, he has the right to know.
[/quote]

Tell him only for the basis of information and you are right, don’t expect anything.

As for that “pathetic loser I chose for a husband and father” remember, he did give you two children.

You know, you are not alone…you have my number. I’m not going to push, but you should know that you don’t have to go through this alone either. Call Beth or me and we will get you in tough with the sisters in your area.

May God truly bless you and your children.


#4

[quote=dhgray]As for that “pathetic loser I chose for a husband and father” remember, he did give you two children.
[/quote]

I don’t mean to sound so negative…it’s just that it’s always about him, how his life will be easier, he doesn’t concern himself with anyone else…especially not his children. I didn’t know I had chosen such a selfish man…he really did a number on me, the only consolation is that I’m not the only one he has fooled, there are many people who think he’s someone he is not. For instance, I will be having a little b-day party for my son, he asked me not to tell his bosses that we’re separated and divorcing, that it had something to do with his contract. I asked what was I supposed to do since I was going to invite them to his party and he ranted “well aren’t I going to be there?” I said I guess, but he wants everyone to think that we’re still together…why, because he knows that as soon as people find out that he left his pregnant wife and baby everyone will know what kind of a person he really is!!! Now, how is it my job to make him look like the good guy, it’s insulting!!! Because he was a sperm donor doesn’t make him a good person or father, and like I said I don’t mean to sound negative, I thank God for my babies.

May God truly bless you and your children.

Thanks Davis, thanks for all your help and prayers…I know I’m not completely alone, it just seems like the person that is supposed to be there isn’t, I guess that’s what’s so frustrating to me.


#5

[quote=Lexee15]…it just seems like the person that is supposed to be there isn’t, I guess that’s what’s so frustrating to me.
[/quote]

WOW, that sounds like what my wife use to say.

Mama Mary, I lift up Lexee and her children for your comfort and protetion. We ask you to interceed for them and ask the Lord to heal anything that may be not of you. We ask for physical, emotional and spiritually. Guide her as she goes through this journey.

Mama Mary always let her know you are with her, make your presence know each and every day. Guide her in to a deeper love and understanding of your son, Jesus. Help her become a roll model to the children. Help her when she is tired, give her strength. When she is angery, give her peace.

I ask this through the name of your son, Jesus.
~Amen


#6

Dear Lexi,

I was just reading your post and the responses about your baby before I came here.
At 20 weeks with my fifth, the dr. who did my ultrasound also mentioned trisomy 18. She was somewhat encouraging, as she did at least tell us she was only seeing one symptom. Providentially, that resolved itself in a month, and we had no further testing. That child is now five.

I also think you should tell baby’s sprem donor about her. Not that it will necessarily change him or do you any good. But at least he won’t be bale to throw it in your face later.

You sound depressed, and I think you have every reason to be so. I have taken consolation lately in the fact that Bl. Mother Teresa apparently received NO consolation whatsoever for many years, yet she managed to trudge on. Your situtation is not exactly the dark night of the soul, but I think it feels very simillar. Keep up your prayer life, even though it bring you no joy.

I do not know much about trisomy 18, other than what the dr. told me. It’s very disheartening. I want to offer just a short story about my niece who has Pfeiffer’s Syndrome in its most severe form. She is a happy, loving child with a normal tein sister. She has had umpteen surgeries. Her condition is “imcompatible with life.” But everyday she has and will live and has brought joy to her parents.

Many prayers will be offered for you and baby.


#7

Lexee:

You poor doll. With all you’ve been through it’s no wonder you’re feeling down, a little battle-weary and lonely. You can only manage one day at a time–much more than that will leave you feeling overwhelmed!

As for sharing the baby’s condition with your husband…I’m afraid I would leave it off the discussion list. No argument he has a “right” to know, and were he involved and interested he surely would. I guess I’m wondering what you hope to gain by sharing the info with him? Do you think he will be any help whatsoever? Will he provide any meaningful emotional support, guidance, input, advice? My guess from all you’ve posted is, no. Instead, it seems more likely it will be setting yourself up for yet another opportunity for him to disappoint you. There is nothing medically that will change by virtue of him knowing or not knowing. Nature will take its course and there seems no reason to involve him until the child is born.

As for going along with his requests re: putting on a happy face for his employer…you owe him nothing here, BUT let’s face it, from a real-world point of view–you may be hurting yourself and your kids if the details about his personal life would impact his career/income potential. You gain nothing by rocking the boat here. Just make sure you secure a top-notch divorce lawyer!


#8

Thank you, thank you Davis for that prayer…it was lovely!!! I surely needed it too, thanks.

DVina, thank you for your words of support, my baby wasn’t diagnosed with Trisomy 18, she was diagnosed with a Skeletal Dysplasia, which there are about 260 different forms of it, and they can’t tell me which one it is until after she’s born and do the testing, if she survives, apparently there is a 65% chance that she won’t survive. I keep praying and keep hoping that God will use her as a witness as to why abortion should never be an option when a bad diagnosis is given, we’ll see.

Island Oak, thanks for your words of comfort also and I definately don’t expect anything from him, not then and most definately not now. I think the reason I am thinking of saying anything is not to help me but to make him carry some of the burden of this knowledge. I know nothing medically will change and neither will his ways or his attitude in life, I just would like him to carry some of the burden, it won’t be taken off me but at least he’ll have to think about what I think about on a daily basis. I know it doesn’t sound very saintly to want someone else to feel your pain, but this is also his child and he should have to deal with the pain that comes with it. His life is too carefree while mine is full of worries, lonliness and doubts, I would just like, if only for a moment, that he have the same worries and pain that I carry. It sounds selfish, but it’s how I’m feeling…I think that explains my motives in wanting to say something. And yes, the only reason I haven’t let it all out is that it may affect his work/earning potential and that would have a direct affect on what my children get. Believe me it’s taken all I have not to shout out to the four winds what kind of man he really is, but I have to think of my children and their future. And yes, I have one of the best lawyers in Chicago :smiley: !!!


#9

I am still debating whether I should tell my husband about the baby’s condition, I would appreciate any other comments or suggestions on this matter. I’m not sure why it is right now that I would want to tell him…maybe it’s because I don’t want to carry this alone, or because I will most likely fly to California for the delivery, I will leave here pregnant but I may not come back with a baby and I don’t want to hear any “Why didn’t you tell me, where’s the baby, etc.” I don’t think I’ll have the strength to have to deal with that or be giving explinations. I think it may be easier to do it now and not have to answer anything if I come back without a newborn. What do you think?


#10

I believe you should tell him in a non- confrontational way(i know it will be hard) .I think he has a right to know.I know he is a bad father/husband but I think it will help you to get this burden off your chest and to let him know what you are dealing with.He sounds very immature and self absorbed .Maybe some day with Gods help he will mature and regret what he has done.Anyway as a father myself I know I would want to know. Just my thoughts on it,I will continue to pray for you,your babies ,and your entire situation you are dealing with.May God Bless you Lexee!!Hang in there and remember GOD loves you!!


#11

Lexee:

I really think that you need to tell your soon to be ex-husband now, even if it means a certified letter through your attorney, since that might be the route that protects your emotions the best. However, have you asked your attorney for his opinion?

Although he has shown that he is an unworthy spouse, he has the right to know about the possibly fatal condition of his unborn child. Someday, perhaps, he will overcome his demons and at that point he will be eternally grateful that he knew about his child, especially in the event that your baby dies. But whatever the outcome, your baby is an irreplaceable sign of God’s love to your ex.

Also, where are his parents? I think perhaps, to a limited extent, ordinary grandparents would like this information, but considering that they raised this man, they might be so much like him that you want to keep these in-laws out of your life.

Have you written down your objectives re your labor and delivery? Have you appointed guardians for your children? Will there be a priest at your delivery hospital who can baptise your new baby?

You’re in my prayers. And so are your children.


#12

I really think that you should tell your ex-husband about this baby. No, he may not be overly involved with the oldest or with this pregnancy, but you still need to tell him. After reading many of your posts about your husband’s lifestyle and the choices he made in your marriage, I have thought of something. Maybe this baby that you are carrying may teach your husband a lesson in life. And that is that he should never take ANYONE (like you) or anything for granted. Have you ever thought that maybe God has put this baby in your lives to teach HIM (your ex)? Maybe he will change, maybe he won’t, but I think he needs to know. I think you know in your heart you need to tell him, but you are afraid he will hurt you AGAIN. I will pray for you and your children. Good Luck!!


#13

I think the doctor may be the best one to tell him. Could you make an appointment for him to talk to the doctor?


#14

[quote=Lexee15]Island Oak, thanks for your words of comfort also and I definately don’t expect anything from him, not then and most definately not now. I think the reason I am thinking of saying anything is not to help me but to make him carry some of the burden of this knowledge…
[/quote]

I can empathize with your desire to have someone share your heavy burden. My concern involves the distinct possibility that your huband could have equal say in the treatment offered or denied to your child. How comfortable are you having this man make life-sustaining decisions for your yet unborn daughter? Is there any chance the selfish pursuit of his own interests would lead him to choose what is convenient and expedient for him and not what is in the child’s best medical interests? Is he someone who could rationalize that diminished quality of life doesn’t justify medical treatment? To be honest with you, I would consult an attorney on this issue FIRST to make certain that the father cannot interfere with your decisions in the event you two conflict on your treatment preferences.


#15

Definitely consult your attorney prior to telling him anything. You may in the end need him to waive all parental rights to this child. Unfortunately, if he waives his rights, he may no longer be on the hook for her and that could mean any medical treatments may not be covered under his health insurance. You and your attorney really need to talk first.
That said, the father needs to know. No matter how much we don’t like it, a lie of omission is a lie all the same and not telling the father of your baby something this important is a huge lie. What he does about it is his concern and on his head. He will eventually have to answer for it. Just like the tale of the grasshopper and the ant, in the “summer” of life he is carefree and you are burdened, but when “winter” comes you will be cared for and if he continues as he is, he will be frozen out.
Have you spoken to some of the women in your parish about your need? Maybe your priest can point you in the right direction for support groups in your area. I know the ones here have Nana’s who will come in and help with house cleaning and babysitting so you can rest.
Look not at the tunnel around you, but, at the light in front. That is where the most change will occur.
God Bless and Keep you and yours.


#16

Lexee, you are going through an awful lot right now. Pregnancy is tough enough by itself. I can’t imagine going through it with a baby who might not live. And adding an absent father makes everything that much harder.

I know, because my husband moved out while I was pregnant with our fourth. My prayer during that time was that God would give me (us) the baby that my husband needed to “straighten up” so he could come home. After our fourth son was born, my husband confessed and asked to come home. He was truly repentant and did want to work on making our marriage work. That was six years ago and we are now happily married.

I share my story to let you know that there is hope. God has your family in the palm of His hand and He will make all things work to His glory. You will all be in my prayers.


#17

Thanks everyone for your advice and suggestions, I really hadn’t thought about some these things that were brought up. I called my attorney, left a message and am waiting a return phone call. I do want to discuss my medical options with him and what my husband’s rights are. I certainly don’t want him to make decisions that I am not in agreement with.

Although, I doubt very much that he will be present for the birth and I certainly won’t offer any information on how to contact him for anything. I would hope that he wouldn’t take the selfish attitude that he lives with, but if they baby weren’t to survive it would be good for him…one less child to pay support for.

This is one thing I am unsure of…he may see this baby only as one more mouth to feed…like I said, I don’t want to think that he’s that terrible of a person, to hope for death to get out of paying support, but after everything he’s done nothing would surprise me now.

It’s just really strange, the need I’ve been having to tell him the baby’s condition, I don’t really know why. I still feel like I don’t want to, but there is something stronger telling me that I need to tell him. I’m praying that that strong need is God telling me I have to do this, that it’s part of His plan for me.


#18

Just praying for you. May Bl. Margaret of Castillo pray for you, your dear daughter and her father.


#19

[quote=Lexee15]Thanks everyone for your advice and suggestions, I really hadn’t thought about some these things that were brought up. I called my attorney, left a message and am waiting a return phone call. I do want to discuss my medical options with him and what my husband’s rights are. I certainly don’t want him to make decisions that I am not in agreement with.

Although, I doubt very much that he will be present for the birth and I certainly won’t offer any information on how to contact him for anything. I would hope that he wouldn’t take the selfish attitude that he lives with, but if they baby weren’t to survive it would be good for him…one less child to pay support for.

This is one thing I am unsure of…he may see this baby only as one more mouth to feed…like I said, I don’t want to think that he’s that terrible of a person, to hope for death to get out of paying support, but after everything he’s done nothing would surprise me now.

It’s just really strange, the need I’ve been having to tell him the baby’s condition, I don’t really know why. I still feel like I don’t want to, but there is something stronger telling me that I need to tell him. I’m praying that that strong need is God telling me I have to do this, that it’s part of His plan for me.
[/quote]

I don’t know if feeling sorrow for the child and seeing it as a good thing have to be either/or. On one hand I’d have to think he’d feel bad for his failures, and other times glad he doesn’t have that responsiblities. He’s got his demons to battle and so far he’s done a very poor job, which is why your not with him now – you cannot have him dragging down the family. I think you should tell him, but you did the right thing by running it through your lawyer.

I dont’t know what else to say, other than your in my prayers. Keep strong and keep praying. Ask for help when you need it. You’ve gone through an aweful lot, and your doing a great job.


#20

Well I spoke with my attorney, finally, he said that there were really no laws in the books about whether I was obligated or not to tell him about the baby’s condition…he said it was more of a moral issue. He also assured me that he really couldn’t go against my wishes when it came to the healthcare I would want my child to receive.

For instance, if he didn’t want her to be on a ventilator or something like that, if I want it then he can’t say no…it could turn into a battle though, but doctors shouldn’t heed to his wants, especially if they know this is a divorce situation.

He also mentioned that aside from the humanity part of this, it wouldn’t look good for his “fans” to find out that he denied his child healthcare…or that he wanted his child to die, very bad for his “family man” image.

So I’m feeling pretty comfortable about telling him knowing that he won’t be able to make decisions I don’t agree with unless he wants a court battle to ensue.

Now, for myself, I’m feeling pretty deflated :frowning: . I had an appointment today and the doc went over the ultrasound results with me…apparently nothing has changed except that they noticed that the baby’s ribcage wasn’t the size they think it should be, which means that it can be a sign that it is not growing anymore, if that’s the case then there won’t be enough room for her lungs…which of course means that she won’t survive after birth.

I’m really hating the thought of giving birth, I feel as if the days are going by too fast…I don’t ever want that day to come!!! I find myself crying alot more often, I feel like I just need to give in and accept that my child isn’t going to make it…I’m losing hope, I doubt there will be any kind of miracle. My family isn’t helping either, they don’t want me to even talk about her not making it, they say I’m not giving her a chance. I feel like I need to be realistic and take care of things, I don’t want to be unprepared at the last minute heaven forbid the worst happens. But I also feel like this is killing me slowly, my marriage failed and now my child’s going to die…I don’t even want to think of what’s next for me. It seems like the more I’ve turned to God and prayer the worse things have gotten for me…I don’t understand. I don’t want to question God and I want to be able to accept His will, but this is so hard and I can’t help but feel like it’s some kind of punishment…I just can’t seem to see this as anything other than that.


DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in these forums do not necessarily reflect those of Catholic Answers. For official apologetics resources please visit www.catholic.com.