Needing advice a situation


#1

:confused: +JMJ

Ok I needs some advice. My fiance forgets her engagment ring sometime :eek: and it doesn’t seem to bother her. I am getting a bit upset about it. What should I do I have said things in charity to her about it and tried to be as kind as possible but it is happening more and more frequently and I don’t know what to do.

I believe the engagment ring and weeding ring should be worn at all times except: doing hard work outside, washing dishes, and other duties around the house that could break it. But outside the house it should be worn at all times. Am I wrong on this or is this just me being very anal???
Help


#2

Well I never take my rings off… EVER…
(maybe I should to protect them??? I’ve never thought about it!.. I leave them on for all grungy work… then just clean up!)

I’m not a “jewelry person”, so to me the rings are totally a symbol of our vows…

I think some women remove diamonds because they’re worried they’re attracting attention for the “jewelry” (maybe she thinks it’s a sign of vainity???)…

But to me… it’s totally symbolic… so I don’t have the heart to take them off ever…


#3

I never wore my rings because it was prohibited on my job for many years because of safety reasons. Then when I was pregnant with my last one they had to be cut off, and I could never afford to get them repaired. 4 kids, 2 mortgages, did not need rings to know I was married.


#4

When talking to her, have you talked about how much it hurts you or asked why she does it? Sometimes people are just forgetful. The other day, my husband forgot to put his wedding ring back on after gelling his hair and went all day without it. Of course, this isn’t a common occurance and he thought he maybe mindlessly slipped it off and searched through the bathroom garbage at the school where he teaches because he couldn’t remember taking it off. Needless to say, he was quite relieved when he got home and found it in the ring dish by the sink.

I’d never take mine off - nor did I - unless I was using harmful chemicals (my mom said the only time my ring could get damaged was if I was using something that could damage my skin as well), but I do know someone who didn’t wear her ring all the time because it was quite valuable and she didn’t want to risk losing it. So, on normal days she would wear it, but not if she knew she was going to be playing sports or something of that nature.

I’d just have a heart to heart with her and tell her what it means to you and how it hurts you to have her not wear it. Ask her to be honest too…then you both can see eachother’s sides and possibly come to some kind of conclusion :).


#5

I’ve grown allergic to my engagement ring!! I can’t wear it for more than 5 days with a rash breaking out. But prior to that, I wore it all the time. Now I wear my wedding band only.

I think you need to find out why she forgets. Does it get in her way while she works? (Healthcare professionals don’t always wear them because of germs.) Did she get to choose it with you or is it Grandma Tizzys Victorian ring? You get the idea.:slight_smile:


#6

I’ve been married for 16+ years, engaged for a couple before that - finally bought myself a plain plat band about 2 yaers ago. Same as above, the ring was just not that big of a deal to me…


#7

I rarely wear my engagement and wedding rings. I rarely wear any jewelry. It doesn’t bother me at all, nor does it bother my husband.

Have you asked her why she isn’t wearing it? If she forgets it’s not on purpose.

What, specifically, about this upsets you?* Why* does it upset you?

The ring was a gift, freely given. It is not for you to say what is done with this token of your love-- just as with any other gift.

To put expectation or requirements on a gift make it something other than a gift.

Stop giving “hints” and saying things “in charity”.

If she wants to wear her ring, and truly forgets, she will work on remembering. Things you say will not change anything, and may instead foster resentment on the part of your finacee.

What does your fiancee believe about this? The issue itself is a minor one, however the beliefs behind it may be the bigger issue.

Also, how you handle disagreements, if she in fact does not think she needs to wear her ring “at all times” outside the house, is more to the point.

If she doesn’t see it as a big deal, and you do, how will you handle it? Pout? Resent? Keep hinting under the guise of charity?

Will you state your reasons and ask her to do it for you out of love, even if she sees no reason? If my husband specifically said, 'I know it’s not a big deal to you, but it is to me, and I am asking you to wear your ring" then I would do it because I love him.

Or, although you’d really like her to wear out, out of love for her you will bear this little cross and not bring it up at all?

These are all things that are up to you.

First, there is no right or wrong. It’s how you feel about it. But, keep in mind that rings are not a required part of matrimony. They are a symbol, but not the norm in many places. In some cultures, no ring is worn and in others only the woman wears one.

It’s important to you, so it’s important. What you need to focus on is why it’s important to you, why it’s bothering you, and why it may not be important to her (or clarify that it may simply be that she forgets because it’s new and she doesn’t normally wear jewelry).

Personally, I don’t see a reason to be upset by this. But, that’s my personal preference.

What is really important is that you two deal with it directly, calmly, and using good communication skills. Come to a compromise if possible, and let it go if you can’t. It’s a small thing.

But, if it’s extremely important to you and the source of the “unimportance” to her has some deeper root (like many feminists that view a wedding ring as a sign of oppression… etc…) then maybe you should talk more about your views, values, roles, and future expectations.

You won’t know until you ask HER.


#8

I second that. You need to find out why she forgets and I’m getting a hunch there is a reason. One doesn’t forget one is engaged, really, and just about the ring? Is it the only ring she wears? If not, then the easiest solution would be having it lie with the rest of the jewelry she wears outside. If there are rings or other items of jewelry that she wears outside, but somehow can’t get herself to store the ring with them for the night or whatever (and well, most people wear watches and put them off for the night for instance), then she might have a mental block. Give up hints and the like or you’ll only make her feel bad. In my experience, women feel stalked in such instances and they go mental like an outside cat in a locked space.

Be careful with your feelings and find out if you aren’t perhaps trying to mark her. An engagement ring may be seen as some sort of territorial mark by both you and her. If you have different ideas of independence, belonging and stuff, then you have a problem. Are you, by chance, experiencing other possible symptoms of your fiancee’s fleeing from you? Avoiding contact? Cutting talks short? Headaches? Unavailability? Increased need for space and time alone? Are you jealous maybe or uncomfortable with the way she treats other guys or they treat her?


#9

This all sounds very familiar. I was working in a plant where rings were not allowed, and so very rarely wore my engagement ring. If I drove up to see my fiance (4 hrs) and left it behind, I went the weekend without it.

Boy, did he ever take it personally! I explained that since I have more times when I can’t wear it, it hadn’t become part of my routine to make sure I was wearing it before I left the house. I rarely wear jewelry and frequently forget other “essential” items like my purse, keys, change of socks, etc…

He’s now come to terms with the fact that I’m simply a very forgetful, absent-minded *genius:p * lol, but he still sticks his lip out when he notices it’s missing from my finger.

Just tell her it hurts your feelings when she doesn’t wear it, and relax. I’m sure she’ll be working on remembering even if she doesn’t say so. If you’ve gotten this far and have discerned properly, neither of you needs a ring to be prepared for your upcoming marriage.


#10

I admit that I do not always wear my wedding ring. If I leave the house I TRY to remember to put it on, but 99% of the time I am at home, it is not on my finger. I don’t want to scratch the babies with it. When I get hot, my fingers swell, making it uncomfortable. If my husband had a huge issue with me not wearing it, I would try and wear it more, but luckily he doesn’t haven’t an issue. His ring never comes off his finger (that I’ve seen).


#11

I worked in electronics for years so I couldn’t wear my rings. Quite often as soon as I took it off I would forget to put it back on at the end of work. My ex used to get upset but it was more a territorial thing… he didn’t want anyone to talk to me. Talk about trust!


#12

Have you told her this? It may just be a difference of opinion on when to wear rings. Before we were married my husband and I had a discussion about wearing rings.

He can’t wear a ring at his job and he just doesn’t like to wear any type of jewelry. He has worn his wedding ring twice in our four years of marriage. He was very clear about this so I wouldn’t be caught by surprise when I noticed him not wearing his ring. I don’t particularly like the fact he never wears his ring but I accept his reasons for not doing so.

I usually wear my wedding and engagement ring when I am out of the house. I almost never wear them on weekends (except for church) and I don’t wear them when I am at home.


#13

I ended up asking her about this and it she did say she forgot. I also explained to her how important it is for me that she wears her engament ring to me. She did understand and will be more mindful about it in the futrue. She is also not used to wearing any jewlery as well so.
But she does understand the importance of wearing it and what the covenant of the ring really means! :thumbsup:


#14

See? There it goes. Not even half as bad as it could have been. :wink: Chances are she’s not so big on material possessions and display, which might be a good thing. I can relate to her, I don’t even wear a watch.


#15

if she is indeed this way, you have found a keeper…!!!

be glad!!!


#16

I haven’t worn a wedding band for nearly 15 years now… not even the “day to day” band my wife got for me (when my “good” band was getting beat up).

It only took one millisecond.

I got my finger across exposed 120V AC. In that millisecond my ring got glowing-red hot, and started to cook my finger until I could un-weld it from the contacts!:eek:

(I don’t need to wear my ring now… I’ve got a permanant burn scar around my finger… kinda like a tattoo!.. There’s no question I’m married).:slight_smile:

I do wear my “day to day” ring now on a necklace around my neck. And I’m not the only one… lots of guys on the job (electricians or roofers especially) do the same thing.
Jewelry can be a BIG safety hazard.

However, when we go out I’ll wear my true wedding band on my finger. It actually fits better 'cause my finger is smaller due to the injury!:rolleyes:

It depends on the situation. If jewelry doesn’t pose a health or physical hazard, there really isn’t a reason.


#17

Agreed. I certainly would appreciate that in a woman. I find distance from material items to be attractive. Not in the turn on sense, more like drawing me to the person.


#18

See if she wants to give you a ring or matching necklaces or medals of St. Michael or some sort of medal. Demonstrate that you also feel you belong to her too IMHO
My DH didn’t wear a ring for 20 years and it did bother me, but I didn’t do anything about it and he went out and bought one the other day, I guess the women are bothering him. I totally trust him and he does me but I love the idea of having been married to him for 39 years now but it takes women somme time to know this and she may not be used to the idea as you are not married yet. Many ago times men didnn’t give the ring till a few months before the wedding not years but today it is treated so differrent ly. keep communicating you will get to heart of it.:thumbsup: Dessert


#19

Oh indeed she is a keeper!:smiley: :extrahappy: I have waited :heart: for this one all my life.


#20

I think it will just take some time for her to get used to it. I take my engagement ring (diamond solitare) off at night because I don’t want an imprint of the stone in my cheek when I wake up. Sometimes I forget to put it back on in the morning. I never take off my wedding ring (plain band) so maybe this will be less of an issue once you’re married. Plain bands are much more comfortable.


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