Needing to vent-soon-to-b-mother-in-law stuff


#1

Well to make this story short, I will say that at first soon-2-b-m-i-l and I were super close, then don’t know what happened and all of a sudden she hates me…well everything about me bothers her, whatever…Her husband- s-2-b-f-i-l and I get along…it’s really nice but whatever… Well every time something of mine or of my fiance’s gets mailed to her house- example-ordered his bday gift and the darn thing didn’t let me change the address it went automatically to the saved address which was his parent’s home- I am unable to edit or update it… So any time anything goes to her house she starts nagging and screaming and Bitching at me and him for it, “don’t be sending your c-r-a-p here!” etc etc etc…SO I made the idiotic mistake of ordering something from the site I can not update I was just so excited my honey’s bday is coming soon…well anyhow, I sent his mother an email apologizing for the inconvenience it may cause her so she sends me an email telling me off, literally telling me off, and telling me how I am a smart ***** and that she can be a better smart ***** and asking me how I like a taste of my own attitude and that anything that gets mailed she will send back and that we are done she’s tired of me etc etc etc well a really mean and cold way of telling me everything she wants to tell me like she always does tells me off when she feels like it…Then at the end writes well I am a bigger person than you and we are done here!

I am like WHAT?? I wrote back saying " I was explaining the reason why it was coming to your house and apologizing for the inconvenience well thanks for your understanding it’s greatly appreciated!

She writes back in capital letters GLAD YOU APPRECIATED! I was like “right back at you dear!”

I am so depressed…I feel like **** and as if I did something wrong and deserved what I got…I am in freaking tears I don’t know how to control the feelings I get thanks to the way this woman treats me…I never got along with my first inlaws let alone this one…I don’t know what to think or feel…Seriously! This was the biggest reason why I didnt’ accept my fiance in marriage because of her and the way she treats me…This was the biggest problem in our relationship a 6 months to one year after we started dating…

I just don’t know how to feel and think or say…THe first reaction to that was Screw this I am going home!!!" But I can’t keep running away because someone doesn’t like me but what about my kids, they need their family more than this c-r-a-p…And up until now my fiance’s family was the only family we had here in illinois??

So lonely right about now…any advise is greatly appreciated…thank you all…GOD bless…


#2

Aww, I am sorry you are dealing with this. My MIL dislikes me for mysterious, unknown reasons as well. The only solution is to show a lot of class and be respectful but also knowing to keep just the right amount of distance. As long as your husband is steadfast in sticking up for you then it will be okay. You cannot change this woman. You cannot erase any of the insecurities, jealousies or hang-ups she has from probably long before you were in the picture. All you can do is act with class and respect and pray for her. You will never be able to please her, so focus on pleasing God, and you will never spend your efforts in vain.
I know, this is tough - especially if you are like me and you want to please everyone and get along with everyone. Unfortunately some people love drama more than they love God or their own family.


#3

Your fiance needs to step in and talk to his mom. If she’s being unreasonable it’s his place to step up and defend you.

I’m so sorry you’re struggling with them… (((HUGS)))


#4

:eek:
*
I’m officially speechless, iluvmybabies. Wow. I’m so sorry…you seem like such a sweetie…yikes. I agree with EM…time for your fiance to step up here.

:eek: I’m still shocked here. *


#5

:console::console:
I’m sorry to hear about her bad attitude. :frowning:

Can you have a “ladies lunch” somewhere (your treat of course!) and telld her how much you love her son, and you want to have a good relationship with her for the benefit of her son?

that’s all I got :shrug:

(Except for some uncharitable thoughts about your future MIL, which I will try to purge LOL)


#6

Obviously, “MOM” has issues. Don’t let them become YOUR issues. Take the high road, do the right thing, be polite and respectful even though you don’t feel like it. No matter how she responds, at least you will know that you did your best and your conscience is clear. The consequences of bad behavior are pretty much always unpleasant. The consequence of good behavior is you will be able to look yourself in the eye in the mirror and you will sleep well at night! Good Luck!


#7

Please please please, go to your library and get some of Dr. Laura’s books -

You are right, your kids do not need any more strife and stress, I cannot imagine getting married into a strife filled situation. Please, wait until your children are up and out before you make a new family.

This is a big red flashing warning light for you.


#8

What is your fiance doing about this? Has he stood up for you and told his mother that she may not talk to you this way?


#9

Yeah, this is what I’m wondering too. Show him the e-mail and ask him to speak with his mother about verbally abusing his fiance. It’s inexcusable.


#10

Thank you all for your advise…I appreciate it big time and your comfort and concern…

I showed the email to several friends, I was like tell me how I was being sarcastic or rude or wanting to start a fight?

My fiance called to find out what was going on, I showed him all the emails, and he read what I wrote and read what she wrote he was really upset…This isn’t the first time this woman has attacked me…Nor will it be the last…

She always I mean always nags and calls and tells us off whenever things get sent to her home address, seriously! It’s like a psychodelic break down every time something goes to her house…It’s ridiculous and no matter how many times I have tried to change addresses for shipping or whatever sometimes it just happens… Like when my mother loses my home address and she needs to send stuff she has my fiance’s address as a back up, etc…But now I will have to tell my mother not to do that any more…

Like another time, the school called because my daughter decided to stay after school, I had just gotten out of surgery from my gallbladder, I was on my 1.5 weeks after surgery, and I was still in a lot of pain, my walking was limited, and it was late, first day of kids’ school…Usually the first day the bus takes an hour to bring them home so after 45 minutes of my fiance waiting for them at the bus stop I started to get nervous… AND since we didn’t have phones yet was even distressed because I was going to have to wait until he got back to ask about the kids…Well right there and then his mother starts calling, I was like I’ll have him call her later, I got to get on the phone right now… So she leaves a message bout the children and I call the school and I couldn’t believe the kids were there still! I was in a panic and was scared…I couldn’t get to my fiance because he was 1.5 blocks down the house then I answered her call, and was like OMG she starts telling me off, I was like what’s your problem? THen she starts telling me how an irresponsible parent I was etc that I leave my kids at school?! I was like what? I told her I was as surprised as she was, I never leave my kids at school ever!! She was like whatever and telling me to go get the kids, she wouldn’t even let me explain how I would have to walk a block and a half to get my fiance and let him know to go to the school to get the children, she just continued telling me off and I told her the school hadn’t updated our home phone number and that’s why they were calling her! She told me off some more and hung up on me…

AS IF I would have ever done that to my kids?! Ever since then, this august, things have been even more rocky between us…And now this…

His sister read my email and she said that she thought I was out of line knowing how that woman was for me to apologize 3 times for bothering her!! I was like NO I DIDNT THINK AN APOLOGY NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES IT’S WRITTEN IN A LETTER WOULD UPSET OR BOTHER ANYONE?! His sister went on and said, “I don’t think u should’ve said sorry to inconvience you and bother you 3 times cause you know how she would react because she is still pissed off w u about the school thing, and to have avoided this I would cancelled my order till It was corrected. You gave her fuel to add to the fire its not like u don’t know her by now. But this is not worth it like I said to her I will say to u blow it off. You gotta just let Chris deal w them cause there is always going to be a rift between u two, Its not easy but if u love him like I love (my hubby) I just deal w it and I pick my fights w his mom carefully. My best advice to u is simple stay away. Don’t go there. You should’ve asked me what to do before you wrote her!!”

I am going to show you what I wrote, I don’t care if someone here knows me after this but I am desperate and in need of advise and some friendly support…and not to be judged for whatever mistake I made…

This is what I sent to her:

“Sorry for the bother and inconvenience but I ordered (honey’s) bday gift and the transaction put his atm billing address which is your home address as the shipping address…They did not allow me to change it so I was unable to stop the item from shipping to your home address. I believe there might-will be a couple of items sent to your home address and I am seriously and deeply sorry for the inconvenience and the bother this may cause. I have tried to update information so that nothing gets mailed to your home but I guess they won’t change it until he does a verification…Again, sorry for the bother and inconvenience I am going to try and make sure anything else ever ordered no longer gets sent there. I would appreciate it if you could please hold on to these items until we are able to go pick them up…Again so sorry and hope you have a great day!”


#11

I had no idea that I was trying to instigate or start fights…this is what she wrote to me “for the way you said this i will send it back !!! ALSO TELL (HIM) NO MORE MAIL HERE IM DONE WITH THIS **** SO SEND IT TO YOU MOMS HOUSE NOT HERE SO HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT ONE so if you want to be a smart *** so can i but i can be bigger and better then you AND WE ARE DONE HERE”

I was like OK!!! Thanks!!!

During my fiance’s phone call to his parents, his father whom has never mistreated me did, and told me off, told me I was an instigator and all I was good for was to start fights…and he went on and on and on!!! I didn’t know that me apologizing for my mistake of not being able to change or update an address was such a bad thing…

We spoke with our priest, and I told him I was done with my fiance, the priest was a bit surprised with my reaction, and after he heard the story he was like “you two need to make a list of all the things that are bothering you and talk about it and how you will work these things out because there is a lot of stress going on and I don’t think you two should be talking about marriage at this moment until you clear things through!” He felt his mother’s influence in our relationship was way too strong for me to handle…And he advised that we spoke about all the things we doubt about each other…Until it was worked out…

But I guess it’s true, I might be the most evil person in the world and all I seem to want is to instigate stuff and start fights…I am just like blah!! LOL And here broke down again talking about it again…I just need some breakfast and stuff you know?! Maybe that will make me feel better!! LOL

It’s obvious I will never be able to please everyone and I try to be a people pleaser believe me hasn’t worked and I haven’t learned my lesson yet…but I am trying to be a better person and trying to make things better you know? For myself and my children…I don’t know what it is about me that annoys everyone!! LOL And this will be the second inlaws that can’t stand me, interestingly enough my family can’t stand me either!! LOL

Just gotta live with it I guess…I am just going to see how these 2 weeks go…We spoke for about 6 hours straight and I let out all I needed to let out and he did too…At the end we saw the only realy reason for our fights has been his mother… Then he asked me for the 2 weeks and told me that even if I left and he started with someone else this was going to happen again, and he wasn’t willing to let me go just because of her…And to give him the 2 weeks to make things smoother between us…I am hoping…you know?!

Well thanks anyhow… Hope you all have a good day and GOD Bless…thanks again for your support and help!


#12

OK, my MIL and I don’t get along either but I have wanted to make amends for my part. My dh and her have not been on good terms either. It’s a long story but they adopted his daughter - that’s not the bad part- the bad part is they lied to her about us and had told her things they had no business telling a ten year old in order to manipulate. Regardless, I believe today that they did it with the best of intentions b/c my dh has needed some counseling and definetly was not ready to parent. We have a group for newly married and there is a thread for “in-law issues” on there. Feel free to jump on. I can honestly say in all of the threads I have read from you I have never seen you even allude to that type language and hostility and I am so sorry that you are going through it. Try a prayer to St Elizabeth Ann Seton - I believe she is the patron saint for in law issues. I will pray for you as well. With love,


#13

Unfortunately my dh found that in order for there to be any peace he had to completely cleave from his parents and become with his wife. He has started some reconciling emails slowly to them - but it will take time. The problem was his mother could not cut the cord and there was not room for two MOST important females in his life.


#14

Yeah when we first started everything was pretty smooth, everyone got along perfectly well…BUT I was helping her husband out a lot, spending a lot of time with him working after I got out of work with him because he needed help and I was more than happy to help! I would go and help clean their house, etc…But whatever… then things started going all bad with her, and I stopped helping her husband at work…I said fine… Then he fell ill and she sent him back to work 1 week after he got out of the hospital after we almost lost him, so I started helping him at work again, tension started again…Then my fiance started talking about marriage, and stuff, just you talking…Things went all haywire…

She started pushing me away humiliating me, mistreating me for no reason and I was the one sucking up to her and apoligizing for nothing I did, lol…I wanted peace between us, I loved her a lot! She was the first “mother” that treated me right! But it didn’t last…

Then he told her he was marrying me…oh that’s when all hell broke loose!

It’s as if she thought this was a game for him…She wanted him to break up with me and make things end…That’s the feeling she gave me…

But he never let me go…I asked him countless times because of her, I wanted them to get along again like they used to I was willing to sacrifice my love for him so that they could continue being a close family, but my fiance wouldn’t hear it…

Yesterday I was willing to go home right there and then to my parents, I was done…He was heart broken and destroyed but he didn’t want to lose this…He was like “I have worked so hard into this relationship my love my heart my soul for you to want to leave me because of her!” I told him family was important and he told me “You are my family!” And reminded me he has never felt this way about anyone…And how he did stick up for me…Because he loves me…

I hate them fighting and I wouldn’t want that in my family either, you know?! And because our major problems are his mother, it’s not reason enough for me to just leave him…

I mean he bought me a house, paid off my car loan, and bought me a gorgeous engagement ring which I wasn’t expecting at all, I was ok with the tiny promise ring! lol I am not picky!! LOL I couldn’t ask for anything more…you know?! He has done things that my exhusband never did…How could I just walk away because of her…

WE spoke as the priest told us to do, and we spoke and we made a deal that if he couldn’t keep me happy in these 2 weeks he would send me home himself, I am holding him to his word but I know he loves me and without the mother issue we are ok tegether…lol… GOD willing things will work out you know!?? I am hoping…And I can’t lose hope now!

Well thanks again and so sorry for all the sob stories…I seem to be full of them… :frowning:


#15

I think your priest has some excellent advice. Please listen to him. If you need to postpone the wedding or even call it off for now, it is best to get these issues worked through first. You have your daughters to be concerned about and their stability in life–they don’t need any more strife or fighting.

Please also, today, make sure the school has your correct contact info, your mom does, etc. Use a different card when you order things online. Really make sure that you aren’t using his parent’s address or phone numbers for anything. Yes, they shouldn’t act like this about it, but it is a simple thing to correct on your part. Don’t bring this issue up again to explain, defend, or even apologize, but also make sure no one is using their info for you.

I will be praying for you!


#16

I agree… some women, for whatever reason, cannot let go of their adult sons and send them happily off the married life. It is a sad thing to watch.


#17

Thanks…yeah we spent all afternoon, evening and pretty much night talking and doing what the Priest advised…It was really difficult because after all the things we couldn’t figure out anything else except his mother as the biggest issue… And that’s pretty sad…you know?!

I uhm, felt so ashamed that I took things out of proportion because of her but I felt that we were making progress with her…BUT I was wrong…And it’s not fair for me to leave him just because his mother doesn’t like me…Especially after he’s done so much for me…and he shows he loves me…and my kids…

I don’t have a credit card, I use my fiance’s because of my credit problem, no bank will issue me a checking account either, I have tried. I have been looking for a bank near where I live that doesn’t go throug the Chex system thanks to my exhusband closing everything and taking everything but that’s a different story…

And yes I will definitely let my parent’s know not to contact them again, it’s ridiculous and like I said because I use his card it’s attached to his parent’s house and for nothing in the world will it allow me to change the address and that place was the only place I could find what he needed for the lowest price and for it to get here on time I had to order it now… Otherwise I wouldn’t have been able to afford it…

thank you for your advise and prayers!


#18

It seems as if you are trying to give up your husband so he is not torn in two - this is very unselfish and follows the wisdom of Solomon however your husband is not a child and you are not two streetwomen. :thumbsup: :stuck_out_tongue: :smiley: :wink:

This is what scripture says and part of this was also the Gospel reading at our wedding

Scripture: Mark 10:1-12

1 And he left there and went to the region of Judea and beyond the Jordan, and crowds gathered to him again; and again, as his custom was, he taught them. 2 And Pharisees came up and in order to test him asked, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife?” 3 He answered them, “What did Moses command you?” 4 They said, “Moses allowed a man to write a certificate of divorce, and to put her away.” 5 But Jesus said to them, “For your hardness of heart he wrote you this commandment. 6 But from the beginning of creation, God made them male and female.' 7For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, 8 and the two shall become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two but one flesh. 9 What therefore God has joined together, let not man put asunder.” 10 And in the house the disciples asked him again about this matter. 11 And he said to them, “Whoever divorces his wife and marries another, commits adultery against her; 12 and if she divorces her husband and marries another, she commits adultery.”

I highlighted the applicable part. Your future marriage is your vocation - NO one can take that from either one of you if it is what you both discern.


#19

That’s beautiful, I like that one! Thank you for sharing this with me! I understand… I hate it when they fight I do it upsets me and bothers me…Because no matter what I try to get along with my family…you know!?!

Thank you, I appreciate your help, concern and advise!


#20

I appreciate you sharing your pain and allowing me to share my experience. Sometimes God gives us trials so we can learn from them in order to help the next person through a similar situation and bring them closer to Him.


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