Needy Hubby


#1

Hello,

I am having a lot of trouble with my husband. He seems to need my help with everything. He will have a day off and have tons of things he needs to do, but won’t do anything because I am at work. Then, I end up having to sit with him and help him through all his homework and housework. He is very smart, just very unmotivated and lazy. I was wondering if anyone has any advice on how to deal with this ‘cross’ in my life…and in a way that is full of charity. I often get frustrated and we get into arguments because of this. I just get tired of doing my job and his. Also, if anyone can recommend a Saint to pray to in this matter or even a devotion that could help. I know I that yelling is not a very loving way to deal with this.
Thanks for the help and support in advance.
Arianna


#2

Is he depressed? Perhaps a doc checkup is in order.

Once that is out of the way, there are two reasons for this kind of thing.

One spouse is hyper-critical and NOTHING is ever good enough. The other spouse says “forget it, if it is not good enough I will just play the Wii”. If that is the case, start praising him, make him FEEL like a man.

Other is that he really IS lazy and unmotivated. In that instance, then, let him suffer the natural consequences. He does not do homework? He fails the class.

Remember, in both cases, you are not his mommy.


#3

Does he need your help or just you to motivate him?

Maybe something as simple as a honey-do list will help?

I do that for my DH when I'm at work - because he sometimes just doesn't "see" what needs to be done, you know?

A day will look something like this:
Please fold towels
Change burned-out lightbulbs
Call Realtor
Put Netflix in mail
Clean out fridge
Then I usually end it with something flirty. :o
:)

It helps - a lot. He's told me so himself.


#4

Yes, my first thought was that he sounds depressed.


#5

I had a girlfriend like that once. She was very dependent on me, and for a long time I just took care of whatever she needed doing, but that gets tiring. When I stopped giving in and started making her take care of things she began to do them again. I was never critical about it, I'd just say that I was busy with studying, and didn't want to break the flow, etc. I was always careful to make sure to buy her little surprises and write her poems so she could see the other ways I cared for her instead of the dependent one.


#6

He gets a little seasonal depression at this time of year. I have asked him about seeing a doctor and he refuses. He has researched it and tries to get exposed to more light and eat healthier. So, even if that is it...I have fought that battle...and it is a no :(
He does often admit he is just lazy. I have tried the honey-do list. He works best when I help him make his own list. Any cures for laziness (I often try to show him readings I encounter about how laziness is a sin and not what God whats of us). I don't know for sure, but I have a feeling he often confesses to being lazy. Maybe even a saint for him to read about? He is a strong Catholic too, so luckily we can both turn to that in times of need. Thanks for all the quick responses...I have just been on the point of yelling these past couple of days and needed an outlet. I am praying that God can help show me how to help him, the way that he needs help...not how I want to 'fix' him.


#7

Arianna what is your dh's family of origin like? Did others do things for him or was it a very organized/disorganized environment? Was he taught how to organize himself and do tasks at home or not?

He does sound depressed but there could also be other reasons contributing to his lack of motivation. Would you say his family are similar or different from your dearly beloved?


#8

He is the youngest in a pretty big family. I think (so does his mom) that he got overlooked a little along with his brother who is the 2nd to youngest. She just didn't have time to train them. I have talked to my sister-in-law (who is married to that other brother) about this, and she has many of the same problems.
Also, along with the seasonal depression...I forgot to mention, he is lazy and unmotivated even when it is not late fall/early winter. He just gets worse at this time of year. He is interviewing for a teaching job this week and 'we' have to prepare him along with get a lesson plan together and a portfolio. I feel like I am having to help him with every step.

I think his upbringing has a lot to do with it...but I don't know how to 're-train' him. I am not his mother and do not want to be! :)


closed #9

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