Newlywed blues?


#1

I need advice. bad.

I got married this past July and moved to where my husband lives. I thought everything would be fine since I had a really good friend in the area. She was my maid of honor even! However, the wedding was the last time we saw each other or even really talked unless she was being drug along by her husband to our house because my husband and her husband are best friends. She stopped returning my calls, and I NEVER hear from her. Every time she comes over with her husband, she promises we’ll hang out, but then she blows me off nomatter how often I call, email or text her. I’ve kind of written her off at this point.

At any rate, I moved to an area to be with my hsuband where I can’t get a job. There are no jobs in my field, and even administrative I can’t get because they all want bi-lingual, and I’m not. The hispanic population is overwhelming and they don’t speak english, so I am kind of screwed, and what is worse is that the 40,000 i went into debt to get my education is coming into repayment, and I don’t have a job to pay it back with except the occasional temp part time jobs I get selling sweaters or whatever.

I don’t know what to do. I am stuck here in a small town, unable to get a good lasting job, completely and utterly alone (my husband is the only person I have to talk to anymore, all my friends live more than an hour’s drive away) and my family is even further. It’s getting so bad I’ve been unable to sleep, I’m so completely lonely here. And what’s even worse is I am starting to feel myself resent my husband for this. He saud I would have to move up here, and I did, and now the only contact I get is the cat we just got. I dont know what to do!:frowning:


#2

Delphinus,

I can definitely understand the feeling. That has not been my case, because I didn’t even have a husband, but what helped me was to learn new hobbies or crafts (crochet, painting, jewelry-making, beading). That kept me distracted and was something I looked forward to. Also, I got involved in my parish with the groups that were there. Hopefully, they have adult groups and bible studies so you can socialize.

Hope that helps


#3

See, my problem is that my hobbies are performing groups. Choirs and stuff. I am trying to get involved but it’s hard since I don’t have a car anymore, and there aren’t any choirs open to new members right now. I don’t really have any special talents other than that. ANd lately I’ve been so depressed I can’t even bring myself to sit at my piano anymore.


#4

You aren’t actually IN Seattle are you? Just wondering because I didn’t think there was that big a hispanic population there :slight_smile:

What kind of work did you train for in your education? Keep trying!! Keep applying for jobs. Things will get better.

I am glad you have a cool hobby ( some people don’t like anything ). You should definitely try to find a group of people to get in with who share the same interests.

Why did you have to move to this town? Is it the only place your husband can work? Is this where he is from?

Sorry to hear about your hard times :frowning:


#5

I can understand. I went through a severe and chronic depression for a while. When you’re depressed everything just seems impossible although not having a car is a valid reason. You just have to repeat yourself that everything is going to be OK and that your depression is making you see things worse than they really are.

You don’t have to have artistic talents per se. I play the piano too, but that was about it. I learned all my crafts on my own by picking up some books at the bookstore and most of my friends have done the same thing, so it’s not impossible. I’ve set up an online store too at Etsy.com which inspired me a lot to keep myself busy. Try also reading Catholic books during the week or get creative in the kitchen: trying new recipes, baking, etc. This is a time of desolation, as St. Ignatius calls it. Or a time of pruning as St. Teresa of Avila (I think) said as well. Just keep yourself busy during the day and search on the internet for groups in your area (Seattle?) that you can be a part of, especially in your parish.

This time will pass. Trust me. It always does :slight_smile:


#6

Have you called the DRE or the Youth Minister at your Parish? I’ve yet to meet one who says “we have so many volunteers, we do not need you” :wink:

When looking for a job, it is important to be positive - think way way WAY outside the box. Sometimes a volunteer position can work into a job (hospital, library, Humane Society).

Have you thought about giving lessons? Piano lessons, voice, stage presentation…


#7

:frowning: newlywed blues,

I don’t have a solution, however I do have a couple of suggestions. First are you able to comunicate to your husband about your frustrations in calm way, with response from him being the same? That I believe must be your first step. 2nd it seems you may need a new circle of contacts to find new friends. Church is a good circle to be in helping with projects and other can open many doors.

I wish I had more to offer you, but this is a start.:slight_smile:

Werman


#8

I understand your hurt in this situation. Your friend has not been there for you when you needed her. I have a couple of thoughts on the situation.

  1. How do you know she “was being drug along by her husband”? Is it possible that she wanted to come? Is it possible that you are not seeing things clearly or seeing them only from you perspective? I say, give her the benefit of the doubt until you know for sure that she did not want to be there. Frankly, if I really didn’t want to be somewhere, I would let my husband go alone.

  2. Is it possible that she is really busy and/or facing her own difficulties? Maybe she really does mean it when she says she would like to hang out, but she is busy or a really poor planner (I have some friends like that).

  3. Maybe you came on a little strong. It sounds like you were expecting a lot from this friend. You said in your post that you thought “everything would be fine” because of this one person. Maybe it was just too much for her. Maybe by calling/e-mailing/texting you overwhelmed her and she needed to take a step back.

I myself give into the kind of thinking that if my friend doesn’t do “X,” they don’t actually like me. It’s not fair to my friend because I usually don’t tell my friend that I want them to do X or never communicate how important X is to me.

My advice is to talk to this friend. If she really is a friend, you should be able to speak with her at some point, maybe when she comes over sometime and tell her what is going on with you. Maybe your husband can take her husband into another room to do something else.

When speaking to your friend, be honest and direct (something that can be difficult in female friendships, I think). Ask her what you can do to improve the situation, and tell her what you need from her. Tell her you don’t know anyone, and you’re in a new city. Maybe she’ll want to take you out with some friends or have ideas about where you can meet new people.

If nothing results from you directly communicating your needs, then, and only then, would it make sense to write her off.

God bless you, and I hope your friend realized what a good friend she has in you.


#9

Firstly, take zero responsibility for family money. It’s your husband’s job to pay that 40,000 dollars back or find some way of getting rid of the debt. Of course if he tells you that he needs a second income you’ll have to try to get a job. But let him decide whether that is necessary.

You’d expect that marriage would put a friendship on a different basis. Whilst it is a bit surprising that when those friends are another couple the relationship cools, you’ve just got no way of knowing what passes between the friend and her husband. Other people will come into your life. You’re just going through a rather boring patch right now.


#10

I lived in a small town (about 5,000? - and it was the biggest in the county) for awhile after I was married. I’m a music teacher and there were only three music teaching positions in the district. None of them was available.

So I got a job at the local bank, and then I took my talents and interests and started teaching dance classes (a hobby of mine) and giving private music lessons. I rented time from the local yoga studio for dance lessons ($10/hour) and gave lessons in my tiny living room.

In no time I felt better, even though I hated my job. I got to know people in town, and they valued me not only as a teacher but as a friend. I also made friends with some of the shopkeepers in town, and they were always happy to put up my flyers.

I had a car, but the town itself was only about 16 blocks by 16 blocks, so everywhere was within walking distance, even in the snowy months.

My point is, as another poster said, this will pass. The question is whether it will pass on its own or with your and your husband’s help. Depression will rob the ideas right out of your head. If you’re not clinically depressed (i.e., medically diagnosed and on medication), there’s a good chance you can snap out of this with your husband’s help.

God bless you.

Gertie


#11

Thank you all for your tips. In response to the friend thing, we used to see each other every day for a long time. I lived at her house with her and her husband when I was engaged just before the wedding. We did everything together, we were practically sisters, and that was for 3 and a half years. Then suddenly, she dropped off the map. It was a sudden end in phone calls, and I asked her what was up, and she didn’t sya anything. When I saw her several months later she explained her sister was in an abusive relationship, and it was hard for her, and she wanted to hang out. I told her to be in contact with me, that I was free whenever. She never called, and when I called her she never answered. It’s not like I call all the time. I’ll try to call her maybe once a week, now even less, but nothing.

And it’s not that I need ONLY her, I am a very solitary person. Seeing a friend once every 2 weeks is plenty for me, as long as we have quality time together. Same for her, so our friendship was perfect for our schedules. It just…all suddenly stopped.

I am trying to get involved in my parish, the problem exists that there is NO ONE my age in my church. It’s all older adults with kids, or grandparents. It’s hard to get together with “the girls” when they are twice your age.

My lovely husband has been trying to be so suportive of my aggrivation. He is being as supportive as he can be, and he himself is getting tired and depressed of being my sole support, and depressed because he knows his wife is miserable and he feels responsible. He works in the area, and he had the stable job so I had to give up everything to be with him. I did just that, and it’s so hard I can barely stand it. My music education is being flushed, and I still have the debt. I have been trying to practice the piano and my french horn to give lessons, but I am just so gosh darn depressed nothing is even FUN anymore.


#12

You know, once I worked at a crafts store for seasonal help and I made a whole bunch of friends. Even the ones that were more than 5 years younger than me were really cool to get along with and had a bunch of energy and enthusiasm.

Maybe you could try working a seasonal job, usually stores are begging for these type of workers. So you have some cash for the loans, and not only that you can bond with other workers over all the crazy customers that pull all the ribbon from the spool and tangle up all the merchandise and then don’t buy a thing LOL.

You’ll get out, meet some people and maybe that will give you some energy to come up with a good business plan in starting your own music lesson business.

You could research the best way to advertise, what sort of schedule you should keep, where you could hold recitals and what sort of competitions your students will participate in.

If you already have the instruments, location and support of your husband, then I think you are ahead of the game, much more than you might be thinking at this moment.

Next I would write a very loong letter to your absentee friend and let her have it! Then tear that up and burn it.

Let your husband know of your hurt feelings and how much she’s upset you. Then don’t let them hang out at your house anymore.
Some people might feel that is drastic, but honestly, if you’re depressed and you have a former dear friend coming over and snubbing you afterwards then your husband will have to sacrifice a little. It’s just going to be uncomfortable for you and you don’t need to add to your unhappiness. Your husband can hang out with his friend once and a while outside of the house and then come home with some nice flowers or a rented movie. Don’t worry, you can spell this out for him in detail :thumbsup: .

Then don’t be shy with your new co-workers, invite some over for lunch or to go to dinner.

Fill up your house with people that like hanging out with you.


#13

P.S. I don’t know for certain but it sounds like you are in the 25-30 age bracket.

Older people are cool to hang out with but sometimes you need youth and energy surrounding you.

Maybe you could advertise tutoring in piano or the french horn at your local junior college. You’re just out of college so you could relate to the kids alot and frankly, they can a riot sometimes because you can remember that you were just like them when you first started college. :smiley:


#14

I was in your situation and I started giving music lessons, It REALLY helped bring me out of my blue funk. I am still not used to being this far from a city, but I am coping now.
Maybe you could do the same?


#15

I’m sorry, Delphinius. If there was one piece of advice I could give to you it would be this–get invoved in your church. In the meantime, while you are looking for work…go to daily mass…or at least attend a few times during the week. Go to pray the Chaplet…or volunteer through your church’s programs. This will not only help you to get over some of the feelings of loneliness that you’re having, but it will draw you into God’s plan for you. God has a plan…and He will pave the way…

That is the best advice I can give. :hug3:


#16

sometimes its helpful to think of how lucky we are, you know glass full instead of glass empty. when i moved with my husband i was 3000 miles away from anyone i knew! In the end it was a God send because it helped us become a family without me always running to family or friends for support and i got out and made friends at the gym, got to know wifes or girlfriends of my husbands work colleges, and neighbors.

You are extremely lucky to have friends and family with in an hour or so away. They are still there when you need them but on the other hand its enough space for you to learn to depend on your husband.

Are there towns or cities near by that you could commute to?? i know some people that commute hours a day just for work. I wouldnt like it but if you need a job thats an option maybe. or could you go back to school to learn spanish?? we live in a border town and boy i wish i knew spanish!!!

Its a hard transition no matter what the situation, give your self some time and talke it all out with your husband, dont bottle it up or it will explode!


closed #17

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