Nearly everyone, especially everyone who has recently married, needs to relax about something. Remember those “life stressor” tests that gauge how much stress you have in your life? Getting married is right up there with losing a family member. Don’t be surprised that you have found something stressed about it. Do not be afraid. You and your husband are not being watched by a frowning angel with a clipboard. You are golfing par for the course, and the angels are all on your side of the field.
Newlyweds do not have sex “all of the time,” at least not all of them do. If the frequency with which you have sex contents both you and your husband, then don’t worry about it. One of the things that may have made it easier for you and your husband to remain virgins in our sex-saturated culture is that you may both naturally have a sex drive that is a little lower than average. It also may take awhile after marriage to get comfortable with sex. That is OK, too.
The question of whether your views towards sex is another thing. If it bothers you and perhaps prevents you from giving yourself to your husband, then this is something to look at. It is not something to freak out about. I would remind you, though, that you can’t stop yourself from thinking about elephants by telling yourself “Don’t Think About Elephants.” You stop thinking about something you don’t want to dwell on (or do) by giving yourself a positive command to think about what you do want to think about. To stop thinking about elephants, tell yourself “Think About Predators.” To stop thinking negative thoughts about sex, go look for some positive thoughts.
We live in a culture that is obsessed with so many details of life. Do I have sex often enough? Is it “good sex”? Are my thoughts about it “healthy enough”? How about what I eat? Is it nutritious enough? Are the meals I cook too boring? Do I spend too much on groceries? Is it OK to eat out? If so, where? How often? What should I order, what parts of the menu should I avoid? And so on and so on. No wonder half of us are on Valium or Prozac.
Read Song of Songs. Write love letters to your husband, even if you don’t show them to him. Open yourself up to a holy and contented passion, and willingness to enjoy the pleasures of marriage. You might think of these as filling your canteen for the difficulties of marriage. When you start feeling sex is dirty, start giving thanks, not so much for “sex” as an abstract thing, but for what a wonderful man your husband is. Give yourself positive thoughts, not about sex, but about your husband, and what a gift from God he is. Think how much you love him, how wonderfully God made him, what you think the most attractive thing about him, and so on. Think about how you will be pleased to be a parent with him. (Funny, but this does put sex in its holy and good context.) This is what you want in your “canteen” for the future hard times of marriage.
If you fill yourself with thoughts of how you love your husband and that “fulfilling the marriage debt” with generosity is part of how you express gratitude for that, and think about the positive aspects of sex, do not worry if you remain a bit nervous or mentally uncomfortable during sex, at least at first. Do NOT chalk that up to “I think sex is dirty”, but rather, “I’m new at this, of course I’m a bit anxious” or just “Do not be afraid; I am with you, I am pleased with you.” Positive thoughts.
I don’t think you and your husband are ever going to turn into the sex-obsessed type. You might, but I doubt it. That is very OK. The truth is, to be more or less matched in terms of desire is an advantage over the average. Just decide to give thanks for what you are, what he is, and what you have. Don’t worry about having anything else, and you’ll do fine.