DH and I have been married for 4 months and we are having some difficulties. We were married in April, moved to another country in May, and found out that we are expecting our first LO in July. I think the compounded stress of all of these things is causing the problems, but I can’t seem to turn things around.
This is the second night in a row that we have fought and ended up sleeping in separate beds. Last night he walked out and came back intoxicated 3 hours later. Both nights we’ve fought about the same thing - I have to go back to the US to deliver the baby and I want to rent an apartment for the time I will be there (about 6 months). DH wants me to stay in a vacant apartment that belongs to his parents. His parents’ apartment is 90 minutes from the hospital I will be delivering at, from my OB’s office, and from LO’s pediatrician-to-be. It is also an hour (at least, depending on traffic) from both my mom and DH’s parents.
I would prefer to rent an apartment in the same town as the OB/pedi/hospital/my mom, that is also 1 hr. from DH’s parents. I’ve looked into it and it should cost ~$900/month. We can more than afford this because it’s DH’s job that is forcing me to deliver in the States instead of here, and I get a $71 per diem for expenses, which comes to nearly $2500 per month.
DH is afraid that his parents will be offended that we are refusing their generosity. While I understand his position, I think that proximity to the doctors and hospital, when I will have to drive there every week (at least) in February when it is likely to snow frequently, is more important than his parents’ potential hurt feelings.
I just feel that overall he is being selfish about the entire pregnancy. This was not planned, NFP failed us, and we both feel hurt and a little betrayed because of that. But he is insisting that because he’s “the man of the house” he knows best and should make all of these decisions. Nevermind that he’s never been around a pregnant woman or a newborn. Nevermind that I’m the one constantly reading the baby books and looking up information online, while he’s made no effort to learn anything. Nevermind the fact that I will be the one stuck alone, away from home, in the final stages of pregnancy and then with a newborn. (DH will likely only be able to come visit for two weeks or so around my due date because he is still obligated to be at work here.) I just feel that since these decisions are going to have a far greater impact on me than they will on him, my opinion should carry a little more weight.
On top of all this, DH has relapsed into an old habit - watching pornographic movies and masturbating. I recognize that I may not be as “available” as he’d like right now, but I’m in the first trimester of an as-yet fairly uncomfortable pregnancy. He says that it’s only been a couple of times, but I am still hurt by this.
Also, DH and I agreed when we merged our finances that we’d discuss any purchases of more than $100 before making them. A few months ago he asked if it’d be alright if he bought a video game system that he said cost $250 dollars. I agreed because we had the money and I didn’t see a problem with it. Well, when we got the credit card statement it turned out that he spent $900 on the console, accessories, and games. That was NOT agreed to. Also, this past week he spent $200 on a wireless router, when we already have one IDENTICAL to the one he bought that works perfectly. And, he spent $100 on a wireless keyboard to replace the wireless keyboard he has because he claims it’s damaged, though I’ve watched him use it in the past couple of days (and used it myself) and it appears to be fine. Neither of these purchases were mentioned to me; I only found out about them because I checked our credit card statement online.
I can’t help but feel like DH is being immature and selfish. Any advice on how to handle this situation would be greatly appreciated.