Newlyweds - Intimacy


#1

I got married last summer, so we are still in our first year of marriage.

I was just wondering how much time "together" do others spend, especially when they are newlywed. In the first year or few years how often is normal (I know it's different for all), that a married couple makes love with each other.

Thanx, for the info...


#2

Hi There -
We are 'intimate' 2-3 times a week. I hope that is not TMI. When I am fertile, we fight to resist (but usually give in at some point, as we are not actively trying to avoid at the moment).

Nights when we are not intimate in that way, we cuddle and give back rubs and spend some time sitting next to each other, even if we are just doing work related things for the next day.


#3

Not sure what you mean by "together". Sex? Just time alone to enjoy each others company?

Sex is tricky. I don't think there is a "normal" frequency. It just depends on the situation. If you have young kids and both work, it can be spotty. If you are newly weds with no kids you might be daily or multiple times per week, depending how much you see each other. If you have a baby, neither of you may have energy for it. Then there are health issue to consider. Also, emotional state and stress levels can be an issue. The older you get as a couple, you tend to have sex less.

A young couple might make love 4 times per week or but 2-3 is most common according to studies. By time you hit your 40's or so, 3-4 times per month is the norm. By time you get to your 50's it might be monthly and into the 60's or higher it can go from not at all to a few times per year.

My wife and I seem to be normal for our age.

As for "quality time", I would say it's however much time you two need to maintain a loving relationship. Some couples are attached at the hip and need a lot of time together to maintain, others do fine with less time. My wife and I generally get a couple hours on tuesdays,wed, and friday plus all weekend to spend together. This isn't counting times where we are both home but doing house/yard work. It seems like enough time for us. :shrug:


#4

why are you asking?


#5

[quote="twoangels, post:4, topic:239590"]
why are you asking?

[/quote]

I'm not the OP, but I'm hgoing to go ahead and guys that "out of a desire to know the answer" would be the response. If you're not going to answer, no need to waste bandwidth.

Now, to answer the question - for us, it was not nearly often enough. My wife had some issues. I was (mostly) patient about it, and things got better. It started with with as little as twice a month as newly-weds, but once we got our issues straightened out it improved drastically, daily on average I'd say. At that time we were both working full time but had no kids, so there was really nothing better to do. Work, sex, recover, eat, maybe more sex, sleep. Those were the days!

Frequency of intercourse has proved to be a pretty accurate marriage barometer for us. The more often we have sex, the better our relationship is. I'm still not sure if the chicken or the egg came first, but I have noticed that making the time for frequent sex - ignoring the little stuff that doesn't matter -like the TV, the lawn, the laundry, the dishes - all that can be done another time (or skipped entirely - who cares?) - reliably results in a better us. YMMV.


#6

[quote="mcrow, post:3, topic:239590"]

. By time you hit your 40's or so, 3-4 times per month is the norm. By time you get to your 50's it might be monthly and into the 60's or higher it can go from not at all to a few times per year.

My wife and I seem to be normal for our age.

:

[/quote]

:eek:
Does that mean that if I marry a man who is forty (Im in the end of my 20s) the fun part is over for him and I'll be the one pursuing him for sex because his drive is not very big anymore?

If I do get married, I sure hope to be able to enjoy marital life after having waited so long.


#7

[quote="mcrow, post:3, topic:239590"]

A young couple might make love 4 times per week or but 2-3 is most common according to studies. By time you hit your 40's or so, 3-4 times per month is the norm. By time you get to your 50's it might be monthly and into the 60's or higher it can go from not at all to a few times per year.
:

[/quote]

By far, the most depressing post I have ever read ever.... period.:D


#8

I wouldn't worry about what's "normal," but instead pay more attention to what works best for you. My wife and I have never fit in real well to the typical models. When we got married, after the first month or so we only had sex a couple times each week (probably averaged 1-2 times per week). We've been married 15 years now, have 4 kids, are rapidly approaching our 40's and average at least 5 times per week.


#9

[quote="GraceDK, post:6, topic:239590"]
:eek:
Does that mean that if I marry a man who is forty (Im in the end of my 20s) the fun part is over for him and I'll be the one pursuing him for sex because his drive is not very big anymore?

If I do get married, I sure hope to be able to enjoy marital life after having waited so long.

[/quote]

LOL! I think it is usually the woman that slows down the amount of time they have sex so you should be okay :)


#10

I agree with Gordon. Don't worry about what is normal instead make sure that you are both happy. If you are both satisfied with your marital relations then there is not a problem.

When my husband and I were first married, it was almost daily when he was home. But he traveled for work so we sometimes were apart for weeks. We are going on 20 years of marriage and it is 3 or 4 times a week. He still travels so we do go weeks without sex.


#11

I have heard this example to help explain it:

When you get married, get a big jar and place a bean or other like object in it every time you have sex. Do this for three years. After three years, begin taking a bean out every time you have sex. It will take 30 years to empty it.


#12

[quote="Catholicpotato, post:7, topic:239590"]
By far, the most depressing post I have ever read ever.... period.:D

[/quote]

It appears that most studies actually show that the decreases in frequency with age most of the time starts with the woman. Men tend to have sex drive fade off later, but since they are married to a woman who may not want it as much as they do their activity goes down as a result.

So the good news is, that if you are female and want more than average sex, your husband is more than likely to be agreeable.


#13

Quote A young couple might make love 4 times per week or but 2-3 is most common according to studies. By time you hit your 40's or so, 3-4 times per month is the norm. By time you get to your 50's it might be monthly and into the 60's or higher it can go from not at all to a few times per year.

I don't really agree with this except maybe the 4 times per week when you are newly weds but I think it was more like everyday for my dh and I. After having my babies it slowed down to about 3 times a week and my dh wasn't happy about this. Then I have to say that in my mid 40's until menopause I wanted it everyday again and my dh didn't mind at all. My friend said this was God's way of telling us we could have one more baby.:D Well, now we are in are early 50's and we still want it one or two times a week. It really helps to bring us together in a loving way. My mother told me that she and my dad made love until he they were in their mid 70's when they started to have health issues.


#14

[quote="mcrow, post:12, topic:239590"]
It appears that most studies actually show that the decreases in frequency with age most of the time starts with the woman. Men tend to have sex drive fade off later, but since they are married to a woman who may not want it as much as they do their activity goes down as a result.

So the good news is, that if you are female and want more than average sex, your husband is more than likely to be agreeable.

[/quote]

Viagra's profits would disagree.:)

Ive heard the old saying about a penny in the jar the first year and then empty the jar there after. But I must say, the first year was trying to figure out cycles and such, as we are reaching our 10th year and we have three kids the frequency has gone up. A woman peaks in her mid thirtys and my wife is 29, I am 8 years older..... I would hope that our marital embrace remains as bonding and as exiting as it has been for years!

I think part of the reason for the societal drop in frequency has to do with our contraceptive mentality and misuse and misunderstanding of sex.


#15

[quote="onmyknees, post:13, topic:239590"]
Quote A young couple might make love 4 times per week or but 2-3 is most common according to studies. By time you hit your 40's or so, 3-4 times per month is the norm. By time you get to your 50's it might be monthly and into the 60's or higher it can go from not at all to a few times per year.

I don't really agree with this except maybe the 4 times per week when you are newly weds but I think it was more like everyday for my dh and I. After having my babies it slowed down to about 3 times a week and my dh wasn't happy about this. Then I have to say that in my mid 40's until menopause I wanted it everyday again and my dh didn't mind at all. My friend said this was God's way of telling us we could have one more baby.:D Well, now we are in are early 50's and we still want it one or two times a week. It really helps to bring us together in a loving way. My mother told me that she and my dad made love until he they were in their mid 70's when they started to have health issues.

[/quote]

This sounds more like the norm in our family as well :)


#16

[quote="cviolette, post:9, topic:239590"]
LOL! I think it is usually the woman that slows down the amount of time they have sex so you should be okay :)

[/quote]

Hi cviolette.. Don't be so sure. I think thats more like a cliche. I have been here and on christianforums and it seems there are at least as many women who are sexually frustrated as men. I have two women friends, one told me her husband wouldn't touch her except rarely and it makes her so angry and sad, and I know another one who has indicated that she has a higher drive than her husband.
This goes with what I have seen on the internet.
I think there are different reasons why some people say no to their spouse like infidelity through porn, masturbation or illnesses or being exhausted.. but I think that there are mor women than people think, who don't get as much sexual intimacy in marriage as they would like.


#17

Hi OP.
As newlyweds, we have many expectations regarding frequency, but honestly there is no "normality". Stories such as the "pebble in the jar" thing used to complex me because I felt we didn't have as much sex as we "ought" to have.
There's no normality, the 1st year of marriage can be rough for many reasons (trying to adapt to each other, learning to communicate on so many nevels and so many nex topics, trying to figure out how sex works,...) and moreover being newlyweds does not mean your life stops : you still have jobs, stress, errands to do.
So just try to ascertain what both of you need, and keep in mind that there might be time before you even reach that. The idea of "newlywed stage" as the stage when a couple has his best and/or his most frequent sex is both
- a myth
- a danger


#18

[quote="FrenchGwen, post:17, topic:239590"]
Hi OP.
As newlyweds, we have many expectations regarding frequency, but honestly there is no "normality". Stories such as the "pebble in the jar" thing used to complex me because I felt we didn't have as much sex as we "ought" to have.
There's no normality, the 1st year of marriage can be rough for many reasons (trying to adapt to each other, learning to communicate on so many nevels and so many nex topics, trying to figure out how sex works,...) and moreover being newlyweds does not mean your life stops : you still have jobs, stress, errands to do.
So just try to ascertain what both of you need, and keep in mind that there might be time before you even reach that. The idea of "newlywed stage" as the stage when a couple has his best and/or his most frequent sex is both
- a myth
- a danger

[/quote]

Amen

DH and I don't have nearly as much sex as some think we ought to have...about once a week post-honeymoon and the rate has been slowly decreasing from there. These days we really have no "schedule" to speak of and sex has been happening in a haphazard fashion ranging from a week to 2 months in between and that's with DH initiating things. Some busybodies have recommended we both see doctors so we can work towards doing it at a more "normal" rate. But we're both "abnormal" in the sex department so the decrease really hasn't been an issue in our marriage at all (why fix what ain't broke?). But that's a long story for another topic. ;)

Don't get me wrong...if you're having lots of great sex in your marriage that's a beautiful and wonderful thing! But don't kick yourself if you're not having that much sex and everything seems beautiful and wonderful anyway. Everyone is different regarding sex. Concentrate on what makes the two of you *mutually *happy as opposed to trying to keep up with what you think everyone else is doing whether it's 3-4 times a week, 3-4 times a month, or 3-4 times a year. It makes life so much easier.


#19

[quote="Kit15, post:18, topic:239590"]
Amen

DH and I don't have nearly as much sex as some think we ought to have...about once a week post-honeymoon and the rate has been slowly decreasing from there. These days we really have no "schedule" to speak of and sex has been happening in a haphazard fashion ranging from a week to 2 months in between and that's with DH initiating things. Some busybodies have recommended we both see doctors so we can work towards doing it at a more "normal" rate. But we're both "abnormal" in the sex department so the decrease really hasn't been an issue in our marriage at all (why fix what ain't broke?). But that's a long story for another topic. ;)

Don't get me wrong...if you're having lots of great sex in your marriage that's a beautiful and wonderful thing! But don't kick yourself if you're not having that much sex and everything seems beautiful and wonderful anyway. Everyone is different regarding sex. Concentrate on what makes the two of you *mutually *happy as opposed to trying to keep up with what you think everyone else is doing whether it's 3-4 times a week, 3-4 times a month, or 3-4 times a year. It makes life so much easier.

[/quote]

Im curious as to how a "busybody" would even know how many times.....
That being said, I think that sex is very imortant in the unitive realm. 3 times a year? not sure that is healthy for a young physical couple.


#20

[quote="idontknow, post:1, topic:239590"]
I got married last summer, so we are still in our first year of marriage.

I was just wondering how much time "together" do others spend, especially when they are newlywed. In the first year or few years how often is normal (I know it's different for all), that a married couple makes love with each other.

Thanx, for the info...

[/quote]

Are you referring to physical marital relations? If so, then whatever works for both of you is probably just fine. Whether you're coming together every day, or once a week, or once a month, I think it's fine as long as both of you are satisfied with the frequency. I would tend to think that 2 to 3 times a week is fairly typical, but I suspect that there is a wide range that would still be "normal." (And hey, even if you're abnormal in this regard, who cares, as long as you're both happy?)


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