I have a young family member, Katy, who is newly married. She is busy with school and her husband is in the military but is stationed at home at the time. Katy would like to take a ski trip with some school friends for three nights. Her husband is not able to go because of work.
She has called me for advice. The obvious answer to me is “of course do not leave your husband” to go on a trip with friends". I would like to know if someone could offer a better, more faith filled, catholic answer for me to relay to her.
I guess I based my answer on my gut feeling. Hear are some other thoughts: They were just married in June of this year. The trip involves friends that are guys and girls. They, as a couple, do not have much money so I feel like she should not be spending money on a trip by herself. Also, he will be sent out on duty for 6 months starting in January so it seems like any “vacationing” time should be spent together. Also, it does not seem like a good way to start married life.
Would she be ok if her husband did the same thing? Then it’s probably ok.
Why can’t she go on a vaca without her hubby? She’s expected to be on her own for what 6 months to a year while he careers it up? Their relationship is going to be about her coping on her own. On a regular basis. And she shouldn’t stop being independant when he’s home. That’s not to say he should be left home all the time… but’s he’s busy with work. So she’s just to stay home and wait until he has time to give her…
Yes, something is off… sounds like a lack of trust…
I know my husband would not mind me running off with friends to a place that he knows I want to go but he has absolutely no interest in. Though it’s not the same thing, I’ve run off with my parents and siblings to Disney World without him. Though normally he’s with us for such a trip, this time he had to pass for sanity’s sake. But he didn’t want me to stay home just because he didn’t feel like going. At the time we had not been married a year yet.
Things get hairy if it’s a place we’d both like to go (a skiing trip would fall under this category for us). I would rather not go at all than go on such a trip without him. He’s already shown me the same courtesy in the past by turning down invites that I was unable to also make due to work.
I don’t think there is anything wrong with her going on the trip but her husband should be fine with it. I wouldn’t go if I knew my husband was going to resent it…and I trust him to tell me if he would resent it.
I agree with the answers so far that if her husband doesn’t mind and money isn’t a concern, there’s nothing wrong with it.
I wonder, though, why she has asked you for advice on this. Does this indicate that she thinks her husband may in fact mind? Or is she concerned that it mightn’t be considered the appropriate thing for a newly married woman to do? I think if it’s merely the latter, I see no concerns in going. But I’d try to understand why she is seeking this advice.
I do not think her husband has voiced any descent. She is in graduate school, so she is not exactly waiting around for him. It just does not seem like a “we are in this together” kind of thing to do. It seems to me that you should take vacations together especially when you are first married. After children begin to arrive those times are few and far between.
I do not think they have much money so it would probably be a bit extravagant. I do not think her husband has expressed any descent. She is probably seeking advise because she thinks it may be inappropriate/selfish.
Well, see we don’t know all the details. So I can only project. Maybe she LOVES skiing, and he only sort of likes it. Maybe he doesn’t want to go this season… Should she give up her hobbies?
I’m not sure how being “in this together” means that we have to be joined at the hip at all possible moments.
Now, If he wants to go the following weekend, and could she wait so they have enough $$ then she should wait. But it’s just a matter of her going when she can, ‘cause she’s in school, and he’ not going to go before he’s deployed… GO!
I mean, if DH wants to go to a stock car race for a 3 day weekend… BY ALL MEANS go… and PLeASE don’t make me go watch cars drive in a circle… Blech… that’s torture. Says he doesn’t love me… LOL!
When the children arrive, you still go on your solo trips if that’s what you do, and you go on family trips…
My advise: Generic, I don’t know these people… I just don’t think it’s an automatice yes or no answer, just because they are newlyweds… That screams insecurity to me…
I guess the unfortunate flip-side to this is that she might feel some resentment if she doesn’t go. I don’t think it’s healthy for a marriage for partners to forgo spending time with friends and pursuing their own interest simply because they are now married. My wife and I enjoy many common interests, but a few separate ones and we sometimes spend nights or weekends apart pursuing those interests. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it and I think it’s very healthy.
Money is a separate concern and not one anyone here can really comment on. We can all enjoy some extravagances in life; it’s up to them as a couple to decide whether this one is appropriate.
**Why not…if she’s mature enough to be married then she’s mature enough to take a trip without her husband. Not much difference between that a trip he might to take…but ah yes…usually ok for the guy not the girl.
Things are different now…all women should be able to depend upon themselves financially and emotionally…happiness is not the other person’s responsibility it starts in you.
I’d say go and enjoy…marriage is a long hard journey, might as well have some fun along the way…with friends which she will depend on for company when her husband is gone…
I’m a newlywed myself (married 6 months ago) and I don’t see anything inherently wrong with a wife going on a short trip with friends without her husband. There can be any number of valid reasons for the husband not going, and beyond that it’s simply a good idea to keep up contact with the friends a person had before marriage. I believe your spouse should be your best friend, but he doesn’t have to be your only one. It sounds like it’s just a long weekend of skiing with friends. It’s not like she’s taking a 2-week cruise without him! If their relationship is strong, her husband is 100% okay with it, and the money involved is not an issue, I don’t think their marriage is going to suffer one little bit from this. I can see why taking a solo vacation so early in the marriage would make some people scratch their heads and wonder if the relationship is steady, but if the couple really loves each other and all is truly well it should be obvious that nothing is wrong.
However, the fact that she called you asking for advice makes me wonder whether everything is, in fact, okay. If she is having doubts about this or it makes her husband uneasy, she probably shouldn’t go. I guess the bottom line is that this decision is entirely between her and her husband, and that’s what I would have told her if she had called me. You bring up a lot of good points about their situation, but only they can determine what impact, if any, this trip would have on their relationship and their finances.
Is the issue here that it is “school friends”, i.e., most single? Did she know them before Hubby - - was she maybe in a different place spiritually then as opposed to now? Are the school friends big drinkers/partiers? Maybe she feels like she wouldn’t be comfortable with the extracurriculars that could be implied, as opposed to the skiing itself, and even though she would not participate, feels its not appropriate for her as a married woman - - I’m thinking if the friends are going to be out at bars, being flirty, etc., and she’s the only one who isn’t, maybe that is what she is thinking about. She might just be in a different place emotionally and spirtitually.
I can’t add any other advice to what’s already been mentioned except for this: Being a military wife it is extremely important that your cousin (???) – sorry. Can’t remember the familial relation – develop a strong support system of friends preferably other military spouses. My sister is a military spouse; and when her husband was deployed, her military friends were her support group as they were stationed in a foreign country with her family here in the States. I witnessed the support system firsthand several years ago when they were stationed in Kansas and I visited them on post. To watch the other spouses and soldiers who were still at home take care of the the spouses and children at home while the spouse was deployed was beautiful to watch.
So I would say that if these are good friends she would be going with and they can afford it, by all means cultivate those friendships because she will need people to rely on when he’s gone for six months – I’m not talking about her not being able to take care of herself, but she will need emotional support.
Here’s my two cents as a military wife and having my husband deployed twice: if it were me, I’d be spending every single waking moment with my husband before he deploys, and every sleeping moment for that matter. I wouldn’t be taking a trip so soon with my husband leaving for months to up to a year at a time. Yes its important to have a strong support system of family and friends while he’s deployed and do things with them, but when the deployment is next month, I wouldn’t want to be away from my husband. If the deployment was say two or three months from now, it would be different.