NFP and my huband. What is he thinking with?


#1

This is my first month on NFP since we got pregnant a month after we were married. I had discussed it with my husband before I started. He was okay with it. Now he says I sprung it on him and that it is always my way or the highway. He says he’s sexually frustrated (it’s been a week now), and that he didn’t see anything in the book that said we can’t do other “things.” He wanted to use the condoms up first, but then I just went ahead and started “my thing.” He says I’m being a fundamentalist.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know why he has such a problem with me trying to be a better Christian. He has always had a self image problem and I guess he thinks this is my great excuse for not having sex or doing anything with him for weeks at a time. I said I wasn’t being a fundamentalist, just orthodox. He refuses to see anything wrong with ABC’s in our situation, I guess since that liberal priest told us we’d be okay. He still thinks we weren’t wrong to live together before we got married, since the same priest said that was up to us, too. I think he resents going to this new church; he told his daughter that I wanted to go there “for some reason.”

I need your prayers :crying:


#2

We will pray for you.


#3

I will certainly pray for you!

Practicing abstinance as a result of NFP can be hard! If it’s not approached in the right way, I can see where it can make someone feel unloved, unwanted or just plain angry. While your husband may blame all of these feelings on you, he is actually upset with God. You didn’t make up all these “rules;” they are God’s plan for you as a married couple! I will pray that your husband comes to fully understand this.

God bless.


#4

I quick fashion I suggest that you try to calmly stand your ground, do not compromise, do not give into emotional or otherwise pressure, if you do it will be most difficult and likely be long in coming to recapture lost ground and you may end up resenting your husband. Pray for your husband, keep showing love and respect for your husband, fast for your marriage, have orthodox resources around the house, locate an orthodox priest if at some time your husband will listen to a "second’ opinion which expresses the mind of the Church, and remember that you are only responsible for your own soul. I will pray for you.


#5

It must be really hard to “enforce” NFP without the support of your husband.
Now, you should know up front I’m not married, so take all this advice with a grain of salt.
As you see appropriate, make yourself “available” to him as much as possible during infertile times to help squelch his feelings that this is just another excuse.
Have you explained to him the non-sexuality reasons behind NFP? The abortifacient properties of the pill, etc… He also should know about the statistics related to NFP, especially how low the divorce rate is, and the relative method-effectiveness ratings. My parents, former NFP instructors, strongly encourage the couple to attend a class together. In particular, it reinforces the man’s perspective.
If he is remotely receptive to learning where you’re coming from, maybe he’d be willing to listen to the 10 CD set Naked Without Shame by Christopher West. Perhaps give him an arm’s length by asking him to listen to it “to understand you better” rather than as a persuasive tool. This set is phenomenal- I think everyone should hear it. It is under $5 from www.giftfoundation.com with shipping even.
You are in our prayers!


#6

God bless you for your courage. A couple of ideas. To reassure him how loveable he is to you, aside from telling him, try to find non-sexual ways to show him your love during the fertile time. If you can think of some actions that would be special to him (his favorite meals, renting his type of movie instead of a chick-flick), maybe he’ll feel more loved, and even start liking that time a little better for the other perks that come with it. And rather than always arguing with him when he argues with you about NFP (not saying you do that, but just in case), symathize with him. Tell him that it’s difficult for you too, especially because you’re so attracted to him, and that rather than not being loving to him in that time, you really want to show him your love in other ways. Maybe make the first night you get to have relations again particularly romantic, to make it "worth the wait."
Saying a prayer for you both.
TKC


#7

[quote=RCCDefender]This is my first month on NFP since we got pregnant a month after we were married. I had discussed it with my husband before I started. He was okay with it. Now he says I sprung it on him and that it is always my way or the highway. He says he’s sexually frustrated (it’s been a week now), and that he didn’t see anything in the book that said we can’t do other “things.” He wanted to use the condoms up first, but then I just went ahead and started “my thing.” He says I’m being a fundamentalist.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know why he has such a problem with me trying to be a better Christian. He has always had a self image problem and I guess he thinks this is my great excuse for not having sex or doing anything with him for weeks at a time. I said I wasn’t being a fundamentalist, just orthodox. He refuses to see anything wrong with ABC’s in our situation, I guess since that liberal priest told us we’d be okay. He still thinks we weren’t wrong to live together before we got married, since the same priest said that was up to us, too. I think he resents going to this new church; he told his daughter that I wanted to go there “for some reason.”

I need your prayers :crying:
[/quote]

I am very sorry you are in this situation. Of course what you cannot do is sin-- either by contraception or by doing “other things”.

The Catechism clearly states contraception is intrinsically evil-- wrong in all cases.

I’d suggest you get some materials from the website www.omsoul.com on contraception & NFP. Especially I recommend Janet Smith’s talk “Contraception: Why Not”.


#8

Since you experienced parenthood almost simultaneously with married life, it occurs to me that you never have had an opportunity to manage your fertility together. This should be a joint project, not something that one spouse inflicts on the other (no matter what method you use–but especially true of NFP).

Engage your husband in some dialog and identify what his long terms goals and expectations are with respect to your relationship, your faith journey and your responsibilities as parents. Find a class that the two of you could take together to learn more about what is required to be successful with NFP. The information alone may diffuse some of his hostility to the idea–especially once you put it in the context of the moral values you share and agree upon.


#9

The idea of cooking for him is a good one. Although, he may appreciate the effort more than the meal :rolleyes: . I am going to try to do more for him around the house, too. I know I’m not the perfect wife. I’ve just been upset and feeling all alone on this trek toward God and His Church. I feel like he just doesn’t get it. I will try to keep in mind that I shouldn’t take this (his frustration and resentment) out on him in other ways.

Thanks for your prayers!


#10

Dear RCCDefender,

I would love the opportunity to council with your husband, man to man, about his responsibility to you. You sound like a wonderful, faithful wife, who is doing her best to get her husband to heaven.

Sadly, he is misinformed about those “other things” and ABC. I do have some really good links stashed away that I would be glad to pass along that might help clear up some of his misconceptions regarding contraception and “other things”, should he want to PM me.

Years ago, I too, had many of your husbands notions. As I dug deeper into my faith, looking for documents supporting my positions, I found that not only was I sadly misinformed, but the right way was so much better, not only for my happiness, but that of my dear wife, as well.

If I could say only one thing to him, I would say, 'The more you understand and practice your Catholic faith, the more fulfilling your marriage will be, in every way…and I do mean EVERY way.http://forums.catholic.com/images/icons/icon12.gif


#11

[quote=RCCDefender] He says he’s sexually frustrated (it’s been a week now), and that he didn’t see anything in the book that said we can’t do other “things.”
[/quote]

:smiley: :smiley:

I am sorry I should not laugh. I just had to think of my situation, my hubby is in the Navy and they have been known to go away for 6 months at a time. He was on subs, so it means a steal tube in the middle of the ocean with ALL MEN! Well, not many options there but to ah wait! My husband is very vocal about his faith on this matter. He says guys can wait, many just chose differently thus making it about sex and not love. We have a very strong marital life even without the sexualness. We have always enjoyed each others company, played chess, read, watch tv or movie. We use to cook together before we had kiddos. Now, we are ususally too exhausted from the kiddos and the day to think about sex.

I do know that soem men have stronger drives than others, but I think from your discription your hubby is thinking more of his wants and desires than the common goal.

Good luck and I will pray for you!


#12

Perhaps I’m being naive…what is everyone referring to when they speak of “other things” in this thread?


#13

[quote=happyrubberband]Perhaps I’m being naive…what is everyone referring to when they speak of “other things” in this thread?
[/quote]

What I am refering to by this is anything that comes close to the marital act without fulfilling it or what would be acceptable as a precursor to the marital act but not by itself.


#14

i know i sound repetitive but as i put in my last 3 posts read “The Good News About Sex and Marriage” by Christopher West. It really is a terrific book.


#15

Just an idea…
Each of you write down 10 non-genital expressions of love. These would be things that you already do or talk about or whatever. His list would be things you already do, yours about things he does. (His list: You make his favorite meal, rub his shoulders after a long day of work, etc.) You can also discuss your “wish lists” when you have come up with the 10. Then, when you are having to refrain from being intimate, make an extra effort to do those things for him. (Like someone already mentioned.) And as soon as you are into your infertile time again, put on something that makes him :eek: and then :smiley: . Even if your tired!! Show him how much you appreciate him sacrificing the past week just for you. And remember there are usually at least 10 more days that you can continue this. :wink:

Do this for three consecutive months, and I would bet he’ll have a better appreciation of this NFP stuff.


#16

[quote=Hope75]Just an idea…
Each of you write down 10 non-genital expressions of love. These would be things that you already do or talk about or whatever. His list would be things you already do, yours about things he does. (His list: You make his favorite meal, rub his shoulders after a long day of work, etc.) You can also discuss your “wish lists” when you have come up with the 10. Then, when you are having to refrain from being intimate, make an extra effort to do those things for him. (Like someone already mentioned.) And as soon as you are into your infertile time again, put on something that makes him :eek: and then :smiley: . Even if your tired!! Show him how much you appreciate him sacrificing the past week just for you. And remember there are usually at least 10 more days that you can continue this. :wink:

Do this for three consecutive months, and I would bet he’ll have a better appreciation of this NFP stuff.
[/quote]

I think these ideas are great. The “wish list” of me making his favorite meal truly would be a “wish!”


#17

OK, I have BTDT, right down to the liberal priest saying it was ok to do “other things” and the hubby who felt unloved.

Here is what worked for us-- I decided I would make sure he could not resent the NFP, meaning, I made a point to be available daily during non-fertile times, sometimes more than daily ;). I also make a point to let him know how loved he is during fertile times, and thank him for his patience, as it means so much to my health (physically) and the health of both of our souls.

I really think if you “make the most” of the non-fertile times, in a big way ;), he will do better with NFP.

Prayers for you.


#18

This is just such a mess!! I called about getting us in some classes. One group is starting this weekend another not until January. I went to talk to DH about this and you would have thought I asked him to cut off his big toe! I asked him if he would go to classes, and he said it’s my thing and he was being forced to do it.

He said that condoms are more effective, and I said no they’re not. He doesn’t believe me; he wants to do condoms AND NFP together :confused: . He said he sees no difference in a) me getting pregnant by using NFP and my body killing the baby inside me and b) me going out and getting an abortion. I said there is such a moral difference, and he said he doesn’t see it that way. He asked me if I was prepared to have miscarriages from now on because NFP isn’t 100% effective. I said the only thing that’s 100% effective is complete abstinence. So, he said he guesses he’ll be doing the big M from now on.

He says this all started when I went to confession a month or so ago. He thinks this has to do with my penance and he’s being punished for something I’ve done. He’s so wrong. We got the same penance (we told each other what it was), but apparently he thinks I’ve lied to him about mine. I don’t feel like he trusts me; I have never felt like he completely trusted me. He says I am becoming worse than a Southern Baptist.

I cry. I pray to Mary. I pray to Joseph. I pray to JP2. I pray to God to change his heart. This is all I know to do. It’s tearing me apart!! Please help me!


#19

I will pray with you.

For now, take him up on the NFP combined with condoms idea, he will learn a lot during the class, my dh did. When all hope seems lost- PRAY!


#20

[quote=RCCDefender]This is just such a mess!! I called about getting us in some classes. One group is starting this weekend another not until January. I went to talk to DH about this and you would have thought I asked him to cut off his big toe! I asked him if he would go to classes, and he said it’s my thing and he was being forced to do it.

He said that condoms are more effective, and I said no they’re not. He doesn’t believe me; he wants to do condoms AND NFP together :confused: . He said he sees no difference in a) me getting pregnant by using NFP and my body killing the baby inside me and b) me going out and getting an abortion. I said there is such a moral difference, and he said he doesn’t see it that way. He asked me if I was prepared to have miscarriages from now on because NFP isn’t 100% effective. I said the only thing that’s 100% effective is complete abstinence. So, he said he guesses he’ll be doing the big M from now on.

He says this all started when I went to confession a month or so ago. He thinks this has to do with my penance and he’s being punished for something I’ve done. He’s so wrong. We got the same penance (we told each other what it was), but apparently he thinks I’ve lied to him about mine. I don’t feel like he trusts me; I have never felt like he completely trusted me. He says I am becoming worse than a Southern Baptist.

I cry. I pray to Mary. I pray to Joseph. I pray to JP2. I pray to God to change his heart. This is all I know to do. It’s tearing me apart!! Please help me!
[/quote]

RCCDefender, please don’t lose hope. I cannot know how difficult this situation is for you, but I will pray that it gets better.

NFP is a change for your husband and with it will come adjustment. I just hope that he handles the change better in the future. If he won’t come to the first class with you, maybe you can tell him about it and it will open his mind to attending the second class.

God bless you.


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