I’ve been using NFP for about a year now. I finally took the advice of my NFP consultant and went to the doctor about it. The reason I finally went to a doctor was kind of misleading because I’m in an infertile cycle (most likely) and I liked it that way but had hope at the time that I would be able to carry to term even though I'd been told before I probably wouldn't be capable of that. I found out that in my specific circumstances my chances are no higher than they were before I started NFP (to carry a healthy baby to term) because the problem is genetic.
Basically, I my chart says I’m fertile all the time so if I was intimate with my husband there was always that fear that I would get pregnant. BUT I liked the idea that I was infertile so going to an NFP doctor to get my cycle fixed was scary because that meant I knew I would be fertile part of the month even if that means I'd be able to recognize when that is. There is an intrinsic part of me that never wants to be fertile again. I've danced with the idea of getting my tubes tied but every time I decide I'm going to do it I change my mind back. I guess part of that has to do with some small glimmer of hope that I'll someday carry a healthy baby to term even though I know that would be a miracle unless there were a list of losses inbetween. I’ve posted here before a few times about this. If I get pregnant my baby would probably just miscarry or be stillborn. If they lived they would likely die shortly after birth. I will not accept that responsibility because it’s asking too much. And I know I have that exception under the Humana Vite. I’ve read it and watched the programming on EWTN a few years ago. Well, I decided that getting my cycle healthy was a good thing so I can use the chart as it’s meant to be used or what is the point? I’d love to get pregnant but I won’t ever choose to because it’s dangerous to my children and quite frankly I can’t handle it emotionally. So I went in and they found a whole laundry list of things that are wrong on TOP of the genetic disorder that makes my chances of carrying to term so low. That AND years ago I had a surgical procedure that had a high likelihood of giving me an incompetent cervix. It’s realistically not smart to get pregnant. Right now I'm looking at a liklihood that I'll be getting surgery to try and help fix some of these issues (but I won't know that for sure until the end of December). So, with that out of the way I’ve been wondering about something. With my cycle saying I’m always fertile (when in truth I may not even be ovulating but have no way of knowing yet since I only just started working with a doctor) my husband and I have been uncomfortable with the idea of not using condoms. So, should I confess this? I think God would be understanding and don’t feel I need to repent. I don't feel like I'm sinning but I often wonder if I am because looking on-line or listening to the radio makes me feel like I should a) be open to getting pregnant even under these circumstances and b) that it is a sin to use a condom because there is no exception to the rule--a child is always a good thing (even if they die). I know that morally I should be all about trusting NFP but if I followed that we would have been celibate for the last year. That isn’t something that we could or would ever want to do. It would be way worse for us if we got pregnant and went through yet another loss. I keep thinking that there is no excuse. We shouldn’t use condoms and if we get pregnant and endure another loss then that was meant to be. Yet, that is like taking an active part in opening ourselves up for something we cannot handle. There are so many emotional side effects to losing a child. Everyone wants to do everything possible to protect their children and we can’t. I suppose that is another reason to work with a doctor because IF we ever did get pregnant I would be as healthy as possible and give my baby an edge to survive if it's the right egg with the right genetics and I can carry to full term. But right now I can’t imagine God would ever want us to go through that again. I know life is hard and who am I to prevent these children from living their short lives. So they get to go to Heaven and I get to look forward to seeing them there someday. Sometimes I'd like the situation to be out of my control. I could get pregnant but what if there were some medical reason I really couldn't? Or what if I could be given the chance to die so they could live long healthy lives. I think most parents if given the chance would lay down their life for their child. That is human nature. But I don't have choices. My choices are to use condoms and protect them in the only way I know how. If they are never conceived then they never feel pain and they never have to die and my husband and I never have to grieve them. My other choice is to not use condoms and until I get my cycle fixed keep myself open to that possibility that I can't protect them and I can't sacrifice myself for them to live. I have to wait for them to be gone while I'm completely healthy. But in that scinario I don't feel I'm actively trying to hold back God's plan for all my children. How many have I prevented from getting to heaven so far? Isn't that more important? Life is supposed to be hard so what's some more grief added to the bunch?