NFP Problems, 5 kids and Wife


#1

My wife and I are around 33yrs old and have 5 kids. We got married around 25 yrs old. She is a stay at home wife and home schools our kids. (her choice, not mine) Now, we are done with kids and our marriage has been a bit shaky.

She says she wants to me with me, but NFP is the only way. Everytime we have tried NFP she never does the temp or mucous checking or really has kept up with it in the last 6 years. I say her because I travel 4-5 days with work, and get up much much earlier than her.

So, I went and bought a fertility monitor so we can better understand her cycle and now she is making more excuses, "it will take 2 months of monitoring, etc, after that we may not know"... It seems every solution for us seems to be problematic, and now I have the feeling she is not very sexual now that she has all the kids she wants, and no longer has to be with me. She was very sexual during our pre-marital relations, but I have the feeling she did it to get a husband.

So, now we have been together 1X in the last 6 months. Im at the point now where I am starting to hate her.. Bad! Everything now that comes out of her mouth now seems like a like and I want to ask about **annulment **options. She will spend hours on the computer doing research for her "Non-profit" but will neglect our needs and not look up anything on NFP. It is my job she says and I can pitch in.. But then again, she never does anything with the info.

Really, Im soooo mad at her. She is so holy roller in church but the does this stuff...

So, I want my marriage to work, but I dont want to be viewed as a chore, nor do I want to be a 33 year old begging my wife to be with me.. I feel soo weak inside... Any suggestions??

Thanks.


#2

I suggest seeking marriage counseling.
Maybe start with retrouvaille.org/… see if it’s offered at your parish.

You’ll be in my prayers…


#3

[quote="llfarms, post:1, topic:219387"]
My wife and I are around 33yrs old and have 5 kids. We got married around 25 yrs old. She is a stay at home wife and home schools our kids. (her choice, not mine) Now, we are done with kids and our marriage has been a bit shaky.

She says she wants to me with me, but NFP is the only way. Everytime we have tried NFP she never does the temp or mucous checking or really has kept up with it in the last 6 years. I say her because I travel 4-5 days with work, and get up much much earlier than her.

So, I went and bought a fertility monitor so we can better understand her cycle and now she is making more excuses, "it will take 2 months of monitoring, etc, after that we may not know"... It seems every solution for us seems to be problematic, and now I have the feeling she is not very sexual now that she has all the kids she wants, and no longer has to be with me. She was very sexual during our pre-marital relations, but I have the feeling she did it to get a husband.

So, now we have been together 1X in the last 6 months. Im at the point now where I am starting to hate her.. Bad! Everything now that comes out of her mouth now seems like a like and I want to ask about **annulment **options. She will spend hours on the computer doing research for her "Non-profit" but will neglect our needs and not look up anything on NFP. It is my job she says and I can pitch in.. But then again, she never does anything with the info.

Really, Im soooo mad at her. She is so holy roller in church but the does this stuff...

So, I want my marriage to work, but I dont want to be viewed as a chore, nor do I want to be a 33 year old begging my wife to be with me.. I feel soo weak inside... Any suggestions??

Thanks.

[/quote]

I am so sorry you're going through this. My impression is that she isn't charting much and is like "Oh I could be fertile. We better not. I'll try better next time." and then she doesn't? I can understand how that would make you feel undesired. She seems perfectly ok with having sex rarely.

Am I right in my interpretation?


#4

[quote="llfarms, post:1, topic:219387"]
My wife and I are around 33yrs old and have 5 kids. We got married around 25 yrs old. She is a stay at home wife and home schools our kids. (her choice, not mine) Now, we are done with kids and our marriage has been a bit shaky.

She says she wants to me with me, but NFP is the only way. Everytime we have tried NFP she never does the temp or mucous checking or really has kept up with it in the last 6 years. I say her because I travel 4-5 days with work, and get up much much earlier than her.

So, I went and bought a fertility monitor so we can better understand her cycle and now she is making more excuses, "it will take 2 months of monitoring, etc, after that we may not know"... It seems every solution for us seems to be problematic, and now I have the feeling she is not very sexual now that she has all the kids she wants, and no longer has to be with me. She was very sexual during our pre-marital relations, but I have the feeling she did it to get a husband.

So, now we have been together 1X in the last 6 months. Im at the point now where I am starting to hate her.. Bad! Everything now that comes out of her mouth now seems like a like and I want to ask about **annulment **options. She will spend hours on the computer doing research for her "Non-profit" but will neglect our needs and not look up anything on NFP. It is my job she says and I can pitch in.. But then again, she never does anything with the info.

Really, Im soooo mad at her. She is so holy roller in church but the does this stuff...

So, I want my marriage to work, but I dont want to be viewed as a chore, nor do I want to be a 33 year old begging my wife to be with me.. I feel soo weak inside... Any suggestions??

Thanks.

[/quote]

If I do the math, you have five children under the age of eight. And she's homeschooling them, without her husband's emotional support. I bet she's tired and perhaps a bit resentful too. I don't know about the help she gives to the non-profit you mention, but I used to volunteer alot. It's really nice to volunteer--people usually appreciate volunteers. I bet your wife would appreciate it if you showed appreciation and emotional support for all the volunteer teaching she does for your children.

It doesn't sound like she wants to use NFP. The Church doesn't require married couples to use NFP. If you don't want to use it, you don't have to. NFP is not the only way--but it is the only church approved method of regulating birth. I'm confused when you write the "the only way she'll be with you is with NFP." Do you mean that she refuses to engage in marital relations, or is she refusing to engage in contraception?

You wrote that "we are done with kids". Are you sure? Maybe she's not ready to be "done". Forgive me if I am misreading this, but if you put pressure on her to not get pregnant, then don't be surprised if your wife avoids relations.

Back to my first point again, don't be surprised if she isn't interested in marital relations if you don't show appreciation for the work she does in home educating and caring for your five children. What she's doing is hard work. Be nicer to her, and she'll probably be nicer to you.
:flowers:


#5

Marriage counseling, retreats.

It’s concerning that she appears to be neglecting the kids. She can’t do that when homeschooling. They need adequate guidance even if “unschooling.”


#6

[quote="Em_in_FL, post:2, topic:219387"]
I suggest seeking marriage counseling.
Maybe start with retrouvaille.org/... see if it's offered at your parish.

You'll be in my prayers...

[/quote]

Yes, this.

If you are looking for a therapist, consider searching on this site - marriagefriendlytherapists.com/.

Your marriage and your family are in my prayers.


#7

I agree with the pps, it seems to me that either she's really not wanting more kids and not trusting that nfp will prevent well enough or that she's not feeling the emotional connection that women need to feel to want to be physically intimate. Sex can mean very different things for women that men. I would highly recommend reading this book:
amazon.com/Men-Only-Straightforward-Guide-Inner/dp/1590525728

& if your wife could be convinced to read this one then all the better!
google.com/products/catalog?q=for+women+only&hl=en&rlz=1B3GGLL_enUS374US374&prmd=snb&resnum=3&biw=1045&bih=626&um=1&ie=UTF-8&cid=5613930929865768502&ei=iQfeTI7kJo-u8AbqwNC9Dw&sa=X&oi=product_catalog_result&ct=result&resnum=1&ved=0CFsQ8wIwAA#


#8

You guys are the same age we are and we were married at 22(me) and 23, right out of college. We are now pregnant with #6.

I think the pp's are right on in the fact that
1. either she's just not into sex right now because she's exhausted
2. she's done having kids and doesn't want sex
3. NFP isn't that important to her.
4. she actually fine with more kids and you're not

In any event you are not on the same page with each other. All I can suggest is some counseling because you seem to have some very strong feelings (understandably).


#9

I do help her with house work and the homeschooling was her decision because of my extensive work schedule.

  1. She doesnt want more kids but is deathly afraid of getting pregnant.

2.** If NFP is not 100% (which it is not) she is going still do NFP but basically limit us to one day after her cylce. With my work schedule out of town that means I will me mostly out of town. She also has a history of never keeping track of her cycle..**

  1. She said she is really tired and done!

  2. We have gone to Retauville, it is for communicating not really solving problems..

  3. Any time she can error on the side of caution and say no...

Thanks so much for the advice guys..


#10

[quote="llfarms, post:9, topic:219387"]
I do help her with house work and the homeschooling was her decision because of my extensive work schedule.

  1. She doesnt want more kids but is deathly afraid of getting pregnant.

2.** If NFP is not 100% (which it is not) she is going still do NFP but basically limit us to one day after her cylce. With my work schedule out of town that means I will me mostly out of town. She also has a history of never keeping track of her cycle..**

  1. She said she is really tired and done!

  2. We have gone to Retauville, it is for communicating not really solving problems..

  3. Any time she can error on the side of caution and say no...

Thanks so much for the advice guys..

[/quote]

You don't have an NFP problem. You have a passive-aggressive wife problem. She is using NFP and her lack of tracking as a weapon on some sort of battle with you.

Her words and actions do not match. Someone motivated for serious reasons to avoid pregnancy does not turn around and fail to track their fertility carefully. She's using her lazy attitude towards charting to punish you. Hmmm, maybe because you are out of town a lot. Maybe she resents your job, you refer to an "extensive work schedule."

I also think you are in denial-- you refer to Retrouvaille as "for communicating not really solving problems." DUH... how do you think you solve problems? YOU COMMUNICATE. Do you perhaps bury yourself in work and avoid your household?

These are rhetorical question/statements. Just something for you to think about. There is something MUCH deeper here, and it's not about NFP at all.


#11

[quote="llfarms, post:9, topic:219387"]
I do help her with house work and the homeschooling was her decision because of my extensive work schedule.

  1. She doesnt want more kids but is deathly afraid of getting pregnant.

2*. If NFP is not 100% (which it is not) she is going still do NFP but basically limit us to one day after her cylce. With my work schedule out of town that means I will me mostly out of town. She also has a history of never keeping track of her cycle..*

  1. She said she is really tired and done!

  2. We have gone to Retauville, it is for communicating not really solving problems..

  3. *Any time she can error on the side of caution and say no... *

Thanks so much for the advice guys..

[/quote]

I'm sorry that you and your wife are going through a rough time. Thanks for clarifying a little further. I highlighted a few other things you wrote. (a little background so you know my where my perspective is coming from: We have eight children. Don't use NFP. We both homeschool and use a private high school,. We did the day care/ private school/ public school thing in the past.before we homeschooled.)

I know it's a tough economy, and someone has to support your family, but it sounds like your busy work/travel schedule contributes substantially to some of your marriage problems too.

It still doesn't sound like you support her decision to homeschool. Maybe that's because she made the decision without consulting you, (which is sad.) In any case, even if she didn't involve you in the decision, she probably needs you to emotionally support her for doing that. You wrote that she decided to homeschool because of your extensive work schedule. I don't know if you fully realize how much work it takes from concerned parents who sends their children to school. They usually volunteer, meet with teachers, help with
homework, serve on various committees, raise funds, help their children go door-to-door selling things for fund raisers, etc. etc. If you are away from town on business, all of that responsibility falls onto her. Participating in all those school events with multiple children is difficult. Doing it alone because your spouse is away on business can be exhausting!

So she decided to homeschooling instead of having to deal with the school all by herself while you're away on business. You are working hard to provide for your family. I get that--and I appreciate it. I bet she does too, but she probably looses her perspective sometimes. She's home alone with five small children** all day long. **

She's tired. She might even be too tired to chart her fertility, (and if she's still breastfeeding that can complicate fertility charting.) She doesn't even want to take a chance at getting pregnant--so she's mostly abstaining. I wrote earlier that NFP is the only church approved method of birth regulation, but I mistated that. Abstinance is also an option, but only if the couple agrees it to mutually.


#12

I have to agree with Ike. It seems your wife doesn't want to do the work for NFP and is just not wanting to have sex. Not at all fair to you.

In our situation, I am the sex police. Not in a bad way, but I do all the charting and monitoring and give the yea or nay. It's just the way it has to be with my husband's schedule. We are both ok with this and my husband also knows I do my best and if we get pregnant there's no blaming. I am certainly fine with not having any more children, but I know I've got 10ish years of fertility left and we probably will.:shrug:

Obedience is what keeps us from have hubby get a vasectomy and it basically comes down to that. We know why it's wrong, but it doesn't make the situation and less difficult.


#13

[quote="gardenswithkids, post:11, topic:219387"]
I'm sorry that you and your wife are going through a rough time. Thanks for clarifying a little further. I highlighted a few other things you wrote. (a little background so you know my where my perspective is coming from: We have eight children. Don't use NFP. We both homeschool and use a private high school,. We did the day care/ private school/ public school thing in the past.before we homeschooled.)

I know it's a tough economy, and someone has to support your family, but it sounds like your busy work/travel schedule contributes substantially to some of your marriage problems too.

It still doesn't sound like you support her decision to homeschool. Maybe that's because she made the decision without consulting you, (which is sad.) In any case, even if she didn't involve you in the decision, she probably needs you to emotionally support her for doing that. You wrote that she decided to homeschool because of your extensive work schedule. I don't know if you fully realize how much work it takes from concerned parents who sends their children to school. They usually volunteer, meet with teachers, help with
homework, serve on various committees, raise funds, help their children go door-to-door selling things for fund raisers, etc. etc. If you are away from town on business, all of that responsibility falls onto her. Participating in all those school events with multiple children is difficult. Doing it alone because your spouse is away on business can be exhausting!

So she decided to homeschooling instead of having to deal with the school all by herself while you're away on business. You are working hard to provide for your family. I get that--and I appreciate it. I bet she does too, but she probably looses her perspective sometimes. She's home alone with five small children** all day long. **

She's tired. She might even be too tired to chart her fertility, (and if she's still breastfeeding that can complicate fertility charting.) She doesn't even want to take a chance at getting pregnant--so she's mostly abstaining. I wrote earlier that NFP is the only church approved method of birth regulation, but I mistated that. Abstinance is also an option, but only if the couple agrees it to mutually.

[/quote]

:thumbsup: I think this may be spot on. I do have to admit, I'm biased. My husband and I work opposite schedules, have three children, and frankly I don't get as many breaks as he does. Oh, and we homeschool (we're on the same page regarding that). But since I work with children all day (and usually bring at least one of the three with me), have a baby who needs to be fed in the middle of the night, and then my husband usually travels out of town F-Su I don't get down time (except if the child who comes to work with me either sleeps on the way to work or from work, then I get that one hour drive to myself - some fun). I don't have the energy to take care of my basic needs after helping everyone else with their needs, let alone having time to chart. Have you given your wife permission to do something for herself (and by permission I mean, you arrange to care for the children and basically don't allow them or yourself to get in her way) even if all she wants to do is nap. Also, you stated that she will say "yes" but it will end up being one or two days per month. Why not work your work schedule around that day or two since it's very important to you. But again, at that time give her permission to let go of all the other things that are required of her and are running through her mind. If she is worrying about the kids, it will be hard for her to relax, if you're pursuing her to meet your own gratification and not approaching love making with the intent of fully giving of yourself and making sure her needs are met (usually emotional) then again, it will be difficult for her to relax and she'll feel used and see right through your true intentions. Oh, and if you don't do this, why not, when you're on the road, call her just to tell her you love her and WHY you love her. Also, talk to the kids on the phone when you're out of town. By the time a child is 1 1/2 they can at least listen and make the connection that the voice on the phone is daddy.


#14

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