I’ve been posting a lot here because, most of the time, you’ve all been such a help and blessing to me. I’ve been struggling spiritually lately and am trying to understand where I am and what God wants me to do. I’ve been asking Jesus for help and while He has been giving me enough strength to get by, I feel like I am doing so horrible a job of following Him. Here’s basically where I am:
- Confused. I don’t know what is going on. When I attempt to do an examination of conscience I can’t even figure out what I have done and what I have not done. I feel as if I am in a state of mortal sin, that I have offended God and am offending Him still, but I don’t know what to confess. I didn’t receive Our Lord in Holy Communion yesterday at Holy Mass because of it but didn’t have much to confess.
One thing is that work has been slow. I don’t have much work to do so I’ve been spending my days browsing online at work. I don’t like it but at the same time I have so little work to do. Is that a mortal sin? Is that it? If they gave me work I’d do it. I also don’t like my job that much so it makes days difficult but God has been so good.
Difficulties in prayer. When I pray I struggle to trust God is listening and will help me. I know He hears me. I know He will help me when I cry out to Him. It just all seems so dead right now. Just a week ago I felt so close to Our Lord. Now I seem not only far away but as if I am not His child, not in His grace.
More confusion. I don’t know what to do. All I can think to do is pray but right now prayer is difficult. I find a lot of uneasiness and difficulty. I can’t figure out the state of my soul. I feel like I should not receive Holy Communion yet I don’t know why. I’ve struggled with sins of impurity in the past, and trusting the Lord to continue freeing me from habitual mortal sin, so I keep thinking that I am impure and have consented to mortal sins of impurity but not sure where or how. When I think of the idea of “consent of the will” I don’t even know what that means or how to know if I’ve consented.
I’ve been tempted to despair, to give up or just give in to sin since maybe I am already in mortal sin. Yet all I want is to belong to Jesus, to love Him and know His love. I am a poor servant, a wretched child, and my only hope is His mercy. I’ve been clinging to His mercy and love but it’s difficult when it seems gone forever and as if I have offended Him and He is now gone from my soul.
What should I do? What can I do? I don’t want to sin. I don’t want to offend His Divine Majesty. Yet I don’t know what is going on inside of me and what I have done wrong…
Please help. Has anyone gone through anything similar?
I have a spiritual director but won’t meet with him for at least another week.
Pax Christi tecum.