I have not come here for a long time. Trying to find answers and reasons to things and just cannot, so I just blame myself and stay quiet. I’m at time a ball of emotions and yet just empty. Saying anything, even to my wife, makes me feel like I’m just complaining, weak, a failure, and I have no one to talk to I trust. I resent life, my wife, God, the church, myself.
I’ve tried to nail down what is the issue or causes, and blame it on no self-worth or self-esteem over the years, disagreeing on raising teenagers and feeling like I surrendered my better judgement, and disgreeing on the church’s position on sex. So there is really little communication and intimacy of any kind; I feel like I’m just a shell of person going thru life and going thru the motions of marriage. Add on top of that that my faith and trust in God has suffered and is suffering because I do not see or hear or feel answers - to life, to what God wants, to why I usually feel worthless, etc. I don’t want to say anything which might hurt my wife because I blame myself for all of this; it has to be me, what else? We cannot do anything about having given up my career years ago to stay in one place; still disagree on raising the teenagers, even after the first two; and while she is fine with whatever the church teaches on sex, I don’t get it, and it has hurt and not helped intimacy, no matter what the catechism says. And so we are disconnected and she knows it. I do not feel God, do not feel the love of my family nor do I feel the deep love I should for my family or anyone else. I’m just here each day, going thru life and not looking forward to the future at all, not even seeing one, though I’m trying to make things happen and even that causes me to question myself and what God wants.
I know I’m rambling and I’m probbly as clear as mud. But there you go.