no friends


#1

I’ve never really had close friends. I’m naturally introverted for starters, and when I was little my family never lived in one place for more than a year or two at a time, so even if I made friends I would lose them, so I learned it was better not to become attached at all. When I did make friends while I was in school, I never really knew if they were my friends. They would be sweet as pie one second, then running around spreading rumors about me the next. “She’s stuck up, she’s teacher’s pet, she’s too smart, she’s too quiet, she’s too good, she’s a suck-up.” And now, even as an adult, I get the same two-faced, talk-about-you-behind-your-back people at work and in my extended in-law family.

Is no one genuine? Am I the only person who believes in being honest and straightforward? If I don’t like you, I will gently let you know. Why does everyone feel it necessary to pretend to be everyone’s friend? I can’t stand fakeness.

All I want is to lead a holy life. I want to worship God, love my husband, build a family and become a person worthy of Christ’s promises. But I don’t want to be alone. I want to have friends, even just one friend, who believes what I believe, wants what I want from life and who understands me and who I can understand. I don’t want fair weather friends. I don’t want fake friends. I want to have a relationship with someone who I can feel 100% comfortable talking to and know that they aren’t judging me or really don’t care. I have just been hurt so many times in the past by trying and being let down that I have stopped trying.

So what is a woman to do? I have my husband, my cats, my sister, my parents… That’s it; no one else. If I had a birthday party, a baby shower, anything… who would come? Who could I invite? No one. I don’t understand.

Sometimes I want so badly to have someone I can go out with, and even just talk to about what’s going on, whether it’s important or not, anything at all. But how? How can I? I don’t want to talk about Paris Hilton or who’s dating who or stupid, petty gossip about other people’s lives. I don’t want superficiality. I want truth, honesty, faith, caring…

The world makes us feel as though we have to have a million friends. I know that’s not true… but it would be nice to have just one.

This is me. This is my heart. What am I to do?


#2

I had the same issue. But then I just started being myself, and if people didn’t like me… I didn’t care. It’s hard feeling all alone.

God will send you someone to be a friend.

Do you have any interests? Like me, I like to play games. So I’ve met some really close friends by playing games.

I’ve been told I can be kinda catty and straightforward. I wasn’t always like that. I always wanted to please people, but then my heart got broken to many times. So now I tell you how it is and if you don’t like it you can go. :eek:


#3

To be a friend can be difficult, because you are making a choice to be vulnerable with another imperfect, and sometimes if not always, a self-centered human being; and you may get hurt and then have to forgive in order to maintain that relationship.

Sometimes, we expect too much out of people, often more than we expect from ourselves, and then really become disappointed and want to give up on the relationship, we think it’s more trouble than it’s worth! But this is where the best growth in life happens, the best arena for becoming Christ-like, holy.

Christ said that there is no greater love than that a person lay down his/her life for a friend. And that’s what true friendship is about. Giving without the expectation of getting in return. It is a risk, but worth taking.

Start praying that God will bring a friend into your life, one that will help you on your spiritual journey. But be sure it’s what you really want, you know the old saying, “be careful what you ask for!” :wink:


#4

sarahraegraham, have you tried joining clubs, taking up a hobby, trying to talk to someone after mass?
Sometimes when we want something too much, other people see that and see us as needy.I am in no way saying you do that, but its just something to be aware of.
Maybe you have set expectations of what it takes to be a friend. Every person is flawed and imperfect. We have to take the good with the bad with other people. Sometimes others have been hurt like you, as well and may not take kindly to your frankness.
I don’t know you, so I am not saying that I am right in what I am saying, so please disregard it if it not correct.
I come from a large family and mix with a great deal of people so I myself have a lot of friends and sometimes it makes life very hard. I am always dealing with issues with one person or another. But my dearest friends are those who share my views on the faith. They are the ones you can relate to on every level, as they have God at the centre of their lives.
I would pray for God to send you a good friend and He will in His good time.
God bless you and I hope you meet some wonderful people soon!


#5

I am going to say things from a different angle sometimes you are better off not having friends. The reason I say this is because when you have friends there is so much involved. Now my problem is that I have to many friends and I cannot make them all happy. I am greatful to have these friends because when I was going through a tough time with my divorce and all the drama that was happening in my life they were there for me. But in the same breath they become to much if you spend too much time with this on then the other one gets jealous. It is draining and sometimes just too much to handle.

Because I have choosen a different path and wanting to be closer to God and following the straight and narrow path I have lost some of my very good friends because number one I do not drink anymore so therefore I do not fit into their crowd anymore, I don’t party or want to be out the house late at night or even want to be out my house. And what you find that there are those friends who want you over at their place all the time.

Then there is the back bitting and scandaling and so on and so on. My ex husband used to be so jealous of my friends and used to complain that I am too sociable and that there are so many people on my mailing list and whenever we went there was always people greeting me. But that is just the way I am, I am the kind of person that people feel comfortable talking to, they want to be in my company etc, etc. But I feel that I have outgrown alot of my friends because of the choices I made and also I am unhappy and the lives they are leading. I have no right to judge them for the choices that they have made but I have also made my own choices.

I had a very good friend and we really got on well and she was there with me through all my problems. I ex used to say that he did not want us to be friends and was so jealous of this women. She was 10 years older than me but we were very close as sisters nothing else. He even accused us of having a lesbian relationship. So to make him happy she told him that we would stop been friends which we did. But we still kept in contact via phone but never met or went out together. Anyway when all this drama with him and I started with him getting involed with a 19 year old girl and leaving me. My friend came back and we were back to normal. Now that I do not drink anymore, party anymore and she has found herself a man we are no longer close anymore. It hurts but he wants her with him 24 hours a day 7 days a week. He gets upset when we are together so she has decided that she does not want to loose him so she has sacrificed our friendship to be with him. And I respect her wishes but it hurts when these things happen.

So sometimes you are so much better off having nobody. Yes you feel lonely but at least you have your husband and family who will not disappoint you or cause you unnecessary pain.


#6

I have many nice aquaintences, but no really close friends. I’m a natural introvert, and really - I don’t miss close friendships. Weird maybe, but it’s how I am.


#7

I went through many years earlier in life being very lonely.
Looking back I can see things I didn’t see at that time…
I think at the time I was very judgemental (I didn’t think I was at the time), but I wanted to live such a holy, perfect life that I pretty much insulted every person who *attempted *to be my friend. Clearly they weren’t “good enough” to meet my standards of being a friend so I didn’t pursure the relationship. And to be honest, I was the one who lost out.
I’m not saying to allow your morality to slip in any way… I’m just suggesting that maybe there’s a possibility that you’re being a little judgemental of those people that God does put into your life and you shun their “lack of holiness”…
I really didn’t think I was doing this at the time… but looking back at my attitude, I was.

Just a thought… you have to BE a friend to HAVE a friend.


#8

You sound just like me. It’s nice to know that at least my feelings aren’t exclusive. Thanks for all the replies so far. You all have given me a lot to think about.


#9

My mom would always say that the best way to have a friend is to be a friend. That sounds trite, of course, but you might want to reexamine it. Perhaps there are women out there who wish to be your friend, but who feel you think they are too superficial, or that their topics of conversation are somehow beneath you. You don’t make a good friend overnight, and you usually don’t start a friendship over one incredibly profound and scintillating philosophical discussion. That comes later, after the exchange of pleasantries, the self-effacing jokes. the exchange of common ground…the little and seemingly mediocre happenstances of life.
That’s how most deep friendships begin.

I get that you don’t want to gossip or talk about celebrities, but perhaps you are being too quick to judge any conversations that are otherwise “superficial.” And when people feel judged - not even morally, but simply through an elevated sense of your own “good taste”…they sure as heck don’t want to be your friend. I know this from experience, with me being the judgemental one…


#10

I know where you are coming from.I have seen some phoneys,
particularly in the workplace,sucking up to bosses to help their career.If i didn’t like a boss,i wouldn’t owe him anything.However,i would never tell someone i didn’t like him/her unless i had experienced real nastiness.I just give civility to people i don’t care for,but have something urgent to do,so as to avoid pretending.
I remember a Franciscan priest saying you do have to love people,but you don’t have to like them.
I had plenty of friends as a young man,but they got married,i stayed single.I won’t impose my company on people.I think some married people are uneasy with singles and feel the need to pair them off with someone.I think the onus is on the married couple to let the single person know he/she is not gatecrashing when he/she comes to visit.Perhaps they think we might not be able to understand talk about babies.:shrug: :shrug:It possibly didn’t help that i have never been a good drinking partner.Some people go originally to a Bar just for the company,but end up with a drink problem
I have always been quite good at praying and can cope with the solitary life.In any case,although i have no wife i do have a couple of sisters.


#11

you know what? i don’t have tons of friends. i have one or two close ones and that is about it. you could call me unsocial, but that is simply not true. some people don’t require tons of friends. iam one of those people who does not require alot of people outside my family of course, to make me happy. some people need alot of friends, others don’t.

if you meet a lady who is to be your friend, then wonderful. if not, and you really want one, pray about it. my idea of friends is someone you can talk to and share things with, and i have only 2 close friends outside my family. i don’t visit them often. we communicate by email or phone, and for me, that is sufficient. i don’t require anything more of them.

do i want to go out shopping with them? no. i can do that with my sisters when they are in town or i can do that with my daughter or my hubby. my life is fine the way it is. others have different lifestyles, but mine is basically solitude and i like it alot believe me.

my really close friends are my sisters. all four of them iam very close to, and my SIL. when one of my sisters comes to town its wonderful. we catch up and we have fun if my health allows it.

when i speak with my friends via email or phone, its short and sweet. it means alot to me. if you want to meet a lady as a friend, you can do that at church by inviting her out for coffee, or just exchange phone numbers. you can invite a co worker out for tea, or dinner, or whatever. friends are very easy to make. a simple conversation about say a dress you like can turn into a lifelong friendship. if your shy type, you can still make friends that will last a life time.

God bless you, and take care.


#12

I don’t really have any friends, either. I have lots of acquaintances, quite a few “skating rink moms” who are pals at the rink, Bible study buddies, music club associates, and my work associates, but no real friends that I can go out with or invite over.

But that’s OK. In recent years, I’ve come to realize that I truly prefer to be alone. I write novels, and my novels are full of characters that I spend time with! Sounds kind of creepy, I know! But so far, I do know the difference between reality and fantasy. And I’ve never yet whispered one of my male characters’ names while making love to my husband!

This “lone wolf personality” kind of runs in my family. My mom was a voracious reader and often didn’t answer the phone while I was growing up. At times, she just “didn’t want to talk to anyone.” And my dad knows everyone in the city and is quite popular, but he spends most of his time with my brother and some other relatives. He farms, and he loves spending the day alone in his tractor planting or ploughing.

I think sometimes women have been influenced by television shows depicting women. From the very beginning of television, women ALWAYS have a “best friend.” Alice and Trixie, Lucy and Ethel, Wilma and Betty, Mary and Rhoda, and in recent years, all the gals on shows like Friends and Sex in the City. So we watch these shows and we long for an “Ethel Mertz” or “Rhoda Morgenstern” to have adventures with.

But these shows aren’t REAL, are they? They’re just fantasies.

Another thing I think has really hurt women’s friendships is the disappearance of the stay-at-home moms. Many of us remember our mothers having a neighbor or pal that she called or talked to over the back yard fence. But in today’s world, a stay-at-home mom is a rarity, and two in the same neighborhood is an impossibility!

I know that some women think they will find friends at work, but I personally have learned that it’s best to keep work associates at arms’ length. I’ve had some dreadful experiences with work “friends,” and I really try to avoid forming true friendships with work associates.

I think that one thing that really prevents me from having a lot of friends is that I don’t drink. People who drink can go to bars or restaurants and just “have a drink” and chat. I can’t do that. I have no objection to going to bars and having a lemonade while the other person has a drink. But that’s not much fun for the other person and so I never get asked to “Would you like to go out for a drink?”

And finally, I honestly don’t think I am a very “comfortable” person to be around. I’m not particularly sympathetic or kind-hearted, and I have extremely strong opinions on just about every issue and I don’t mind voicing them. I don’t always use a lot of tact. I’m what you would call the “choleric” temperament (see the June issue of The Word Among Us, or any of the old Tim LaHaye books.) I have been known to walk all over people to achieve a goal. And I don’t watch a lot of TV or listen to a lot of popular music, so I’m really not in tune with culture.

So it’s no wonder people aren’t standing in line to be my buddy!

I don’t know if any of this will help you or ring a bell with you. I agree with others here that having friendships means to start the ball rolling. YOU have to be the one to ask someone out to lunch or invite them over for dessert. YOU have to be the one to listen, not talk. YOU have to take the time to write the little notes and send the little cards wishing someone a happy day. And you have to keep doing all these things to keep the friendship going. The other person isn’t going to do it.

I guess I just don’t want to do all that stuff. :shrug: I will probably regret my laziness someday.


#13

I noticed that you didn’t really mention your husband in your post. Doesn’t your husband have the qualities that I quoted above?

Once I heard that your husband/wife should be your best friend. When I get married, I’m hoping to have a relationship like this.


#14

:thumbsup: aww cat, you got me:)


#15

Ah bless your heart. This is tough. One of my closest friends is/was a lot like you. She just couldn’t have girlfriends without honesty or her opinion getting in the way. When I first befriended her, and I practically forced her into friendship. She had qualities I really admired. She wasn’t silly, or a back-stabber. She voiced her opinions out of intelligence and wisdom, not simply emotion. She voiced her opinions easily. She put her faith first, and her family next. She has the same birth/parenting beliefs I have. She wasn’t shallow or silly. I really find all of this attractive in a friend! So I practically forced myself on her I liked her so much!!! When we first were getting to know each other she said to me:

“I have no close girlfriends. I can’t seem to keep them. I’ll tell a woman she’s being stupid or silly IF she is. People don’t like my honesty, women can’t stand it, they want everything justified for them. I won’t do it, I tell the truth.”

My response:
“The ability to tell the truth is only matched by your ability to HEAR the TRUTH.”

She was quiet for a while after that on the phone. Ever since that day we have been close friends. :thumbsup:

The funny thing is: NOW she is my most ARDENT supporter. If I give her a gripe or complaint about my life or what I feel to be an injustice, she supports me 100%. More than I ever expected! She gets to the dirt, but she has my back in a more fierce and protective way than I have a right to ask for from a friend. It is “Shalome” who inspires me to be a good friend, and I admire her loyalty to the point of emulation. She will be my friend for life. I am blessed to have her.

So, it sounds to me like you have some self-protective issues going on that require a bit of relaxation. If someone seems interested in being your friend: allow her to be that. Maybe it will work out, maybe it won’t, but trying/permitting/confiding is what allows you to find out for sure. A woman who values the same things as you (faith, marriage, family) is a woman you can confide in. Please don’t sit and wait for them to come to you, friendship is a TWO-WAY street, so you’ll have to give a little to get that traffic started. You have to make the calls, the visits, the effort, and the conversation. Reciprication should be easy, if not- find someone else to be-friend.

I wish you the best. I also wish you a best friend! Prayers with you!!!


#16

:thumbsup:


#17

Oh yes, my husband and I have a great relationship. I forgot to mention (and this probably contributes somewhat to my not having friends): he is in the same boat as me. He is more outgoing, but he does not have friends either. We both work, come home, spend time together, go out together, see our parents and sisters once in a while, but that’s it.


#18

:thumbsup: now here is a woman after my own heart:thumbsup: sarah, did you get my pm?


#19

Yes, I just finished reading it and replied. :thumbsup:


#20

oh, i didn’t get it! can you resend it? thanks!:)just check and see if you can send pm’s.


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