I’ve never really had close friends. I’m naturally introverted for starters, and when I was little my family never lived in one place for more than a year or two at a time, so even if I made friends I would lose them, so I learned it was better not to become attached at all. When I did make friends while I was in school, I never really knew if they were my friends. They would be sweet as pie one second, then running around spreading rumors about me the next. “She’s stuck up, she’s teacher’s pet, she’s too smart, she’s too quiet, she’s too good, she’s a suck-up.” And now, even as an adult, I get the same two-faced, talk-about-you-behind-your-back people at work and in my extended in-law family.
Is no one genuine? Am I the only person who believes in being honest and straightforward? If I don’t like you, I will gently let you know. Why does everyone feel it necessary to pretend to be everyone’s friend? I can’t stand fakeness.
All I want is to lead a holy life. I want to worship God, love my husband, build a family and become a person worthy of Christ’s promises. But I don’t want to be alone. I want to have friends, even just one friend, who believes what I believe, wants what I want from life and who understands me and who I can understand. I don’t want fair weather friends. I don’t want fake friends. I want to have a relationship with someone who I can feel 100% comfortable talking to and know that they aren’t judging me or really don’t care. I have just been hurt so many times in the past by trying and being let down that I have stopped trying.
So what is a woman to do? I have my husband, my cats, my sister, my parents… That’s it; no one else. If I had a birthday party, a baby shower, anything… who would come? Who could I invite? No one. I don’t understand.
Sometimes I want so badly to have someone I can go out with, and even just talk to about what’s going on, whether it’s important or not, anything at all. But how? How can I? I don’t want to talk about Paris Hilton or who’s dating who or stupid, petty gossip about other people’s lives. I don’t want superficiality. I want truth, honesty, faith, caring…
The world makes us feel as though we have to have a million friends. I know that’s not true… but it would be nice to have just one.
This is me. This is my heart. What am I to do?