No Hope for Single Mothers in Catholic/Christian faith


#1

ok so that sounds a little extreme…but hear me out…

of course we have hope in the religious sense…I pray everyday/night and have hope…that kinda hope isnt what I mean…

What I mean is…everytime I’m at church…I listen, and I know they preach abstinence…and then marriage…and the ideal is for two virgins to come together and be married and there’s this ‘purity’ that the marriage has because its just those two people…every so often someone in the parish will get married, and they’ll announce it…"We would like to announce that (insert name here), who has practiced his faith with a pure heart and pure chastity…has been sent a blessing of partner (insert name here) of equal purity etc etc etc)

Well for someone like me, a single mom…27…I’m obviously no virgin.

Does that make me any less of a person? no…
Does that make me any less charismatic?? I dont think so…
Does change my personality, in some way…maybe I cant be trusted? definitely not…I’m a totally upstanding, solid, loyal girl…
Does that make me a bad mother?? DEFINITELY NOT, its really quite the contrary…

But I am not, in fact a virgin…

I understand why they preach this, and TOTALLY agree…dont get me wrong…if i could go back and do it all over again…i would…but i cant…and i dont regret it…not for ANY reason…but its hopeless for me to consider finding a possible husband in the church because they have this set standard…which is really sad because thats exactly what I’m looking for… a man with morals/values/religious principles-discipline/ all that good wholesome stuff…

DONT GET ME WRONG- single mothers get married all the time…i have girlfriends who were single mothers…met someone and now they have their new little families and it works fine…I’m just sayin, they didnt find those guys in church…

just thought I’d say it…it makes me sad ((im all gonna cry))…makes me feel like I’m doomed to be a withered old hag… i wanna give my daughter a daddy…i wanna have a wedding…be someones wife…

:frowning:


#2

aaaaaaaaahhh… im hecka crying… darn it…us girls and our emotions…


#3

Um, forgive me, but your parish sounds wierd. I have never heard an announcement like this. I have attended at least 7 parishes in a regular, long term way in the course of my life, and visited probably dozens of others. And these were all over the US, from California to North Carolina, from Texas to Montana.

There is no way anyone but the couple knows for certain whether that is true. How could they announce that? Never mind that anyone’s chastity is a private matter! No priest or church functionary should be yelling out personal information about people’s virginity status at Mass.

I’m seriously wondering if this is true… it just doesn’t jibe with any of my experiences at any Catholic church.

In any case, I think you should concentrate on raising your child. The child only has one parent and does not need your already limited time and focus further divided away from him/her. When your child is ready to leave the nest, then date. You will be able to do so with a clear conscience, without worrying you are taking time away from your child that is rightly his/hers.


#4

I’m really sorry you feel this way. This is not what the Church intends. The point is not what you did in the past, but that you changed and are living chastely today. You are chaste and pure of heart right now, regardless of what you did in the past.

It may help you to know that almost all people have had premarital sex.

ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/17236611

Data from the 2002 survey indicate that by age 20, 77% of respondents had had sex, 75% had had premarital sex, and 12% had married; by age 44, 95% of respondents (94% of women, 96% of men, and 97% of those who had ever had sex) had had premarital sex.

So even if some people who have remained chaste will hold your past against you (which in itself is not certain, and I doubt most men would be that bothered by it), the vast majority of men for you to choose from are not virgins themselves, and certainly will not judge you for your past.

Don’t cry. :frowning:


#5

VERY good point! And can I say, one of the holiest people I know at my parish is a “reformed” single mother like you. She used to be into drugs, but when she got pregnant, she straightened out and is now a crucial parish volunteer.


#6

I understand why they preach this, and TOTALLY agree…dont get me wrong…if i could go back and do it all over again…i would…but i cant…and i dont regret it…not for ANY reason

Not even because any of your actions might have been against the will of God? For our sins to be forgiven we need one condition - repentance. that does not mean that you should for example regret having this child, or live in constant guilt, what happened, happened, God can turn everything, including our own sins and mistakes, into our advantage if we only love Him - and loving God means obedience to his commandments (Read Romans 8: 25 onwards).

*but its hopeless for me to consider finding a possible husband in the church because they have this set standard…which is really sad because thats exactly what I’m looking for… a man with morals/values/religious principles-discipline/ all that good wholesome stuff…
*

Oh come on, nobody has a right to condemn you, what matters is who you are now - I think that any guy who would judge you now because of your past is simply not worth your time and effort. I have heard of many stories of men and women “with the past” who had their lives turned around and found the kind of partners that they were looking for. Read Jeremiah 29, 11-13


#7

Charlotte you sound like a really nice person, don’t feel bad. Even if you feel you made poor choices in the past, you do have a wonderful daughter as a result.

I am the same age as you and know some guys who have strong morals that would consider dating or have dated a single mother. From a personal standpoint I would definitely not rule it out if I met someone I really ‘clicked’ with, I would not hold the past against them. However, to be honest, I generally focus on trying to find a girl that does not have kids yet, but I think as more and more time passes I will find myself looking more towards single mothers as well.

What is important is who you are now and who you will be in the future. No one should hold the past against you, and if they do, they aren’t worth your time…it is better to find that out earlier than later. Live a good life, do things that make you happy, meet new people and put yourself in situations to meet nice guys and I am sure it will work out for you eventually.

Interesting stats, flyingfish. I know this is something that frustrates me a little bit because I still hold out hopes of finding someone who has remained chaste/practicing abstinence until marriage like myself, but I wouldn’t rule out any girls who aren’t virgins, but are chaste now. What they are like now is most important, not necessarily their past actions. As guys/girls get older, it becomes very unlikely they will find someone who is remaining abstinent that is roughly their own age.


#8

Is that announcment called “posting the banns?” It’s an ancient tradition.

I’ve heard people over in the Traditional Section bemoaning the fact that banns are no longer posted in Catholic Churches.

Well, now I can see why they’re not posted. I agree–none of anyone’s business. This is the 21st Century. We have newspapers with wedding announcements, wedding invitations, wedding websites, etc. There is no need for a public announcement in the church, IMO. It serves no purpose in these modern times.


#9

Does that make me any less of a person? no…
Does that make me any less charismatic?? I dont think so…
Does change my personality, in some way…maybe I cant be trusted? definitely not…I’m a totally upstanding, solid, loyal girl…
Does that make me a bad mother?? DEFINITELY NOT, its really quite the contrary…

Just because the Church teaches what it teaches why do you interpret the above from that message? Is that really what the Church is saying to you?


#10

Ah…sorry guys…this thread got me all choked up…wheewww…lol…need a breather…

Yeah, I cant go back and cut and paste all your quotes, so generally speaking…thats pretty much my story…crazy life…got pregnant…best thing that ever happened to me…i mean she CHANGED everything about me…it was like (oh **** im bawwwwwwwwling right now) the first thing God gave me that showed me there is a light, there is a reason…a purpose for everything, everything I had been thru…

and decisions i had messed up in, in the past, all of the sudden they werent so hard to make anymore you know?? she really put my mind right…and i just wanted to do right by her…so…you know i cut out all the BS…and now its just me and her and Him…

but theres this…deep deep guilt…like…i coulda given her so much more…when i see other kids with their dads…and i’ll never show it or say it…i just give her all i got…((OMG!!)) and…idk…i guess i thought that any man of good faith would consider me ‘undesirable’ because im not this picture perfect cookie cutter version of the virgin mary…

um … woooooooow…i just had like an emotional breakdown because of this thread!!! ohhhhhhhh lord…

oh yeah and up a ways someone had quoted me, where i was saying:

“if i could back and do it again, i would, but i cant…but i dont regret it…not for ANY reason…”

and they were saying something about repentance?? I think its pretty clear, that, if i COULD go back and do it again i would…i totally see the error in my ways…i mean…look at the emotional turmoil im in…but at the same time…i LOVE my daughter…OMG go look at my profile shes amazing…i could just hold her forever…however i dont regret her … not at all…shes what brought me closer to God…thats why it hurts me to think that she might be the reason someone would disregard me…


#11

Well…no…not directly…but indirectly, if you take the lessons…and know you’ve FAILED at them…lol…you know…someone whose lived a ‘christian lifestyle’ and never had to be faced with some of the situations i’ve found myself in, can easily sit there and TALK about temptations, sins…lol…but…for someone like myself…sitting in the back pew…I really listen…and I take it to heart…and when they speak the words…the lessons…about respecting life, respecting yourself…whatever it might be idk…theres definitely times when i feel God is speaking thru the sermon DIRECTLY AT ME! LOL…Catholicism really makes you evaluate yourself man im telling you…

i mean…theres right…and theres wrong…and when you’ve done so much WRONG in your life…and are surrounded by so many people who (appear at least) are so RIGHTEOUS…it kinda makes you feel like…i dont even know what…

ok its like, theres me…this unwed single mom, whose had a ‘whatever’ kind of past…

and then theres this perfect picture of chasity, this girl who’s been raised catholic, never been thru anything so shes all innocent…

i mean, c’mon…against this competition i dont have a chance! lol…but as some of you have noted im wrong…maybe its my own guilt gettin on me…my daughters 5 now…starting kindergarten…i am chaste…shes never seen me with a dude and would probably freak if she did…lol…boys have cooties ya’ know…

so…yah…im still praying…still working on myself…i need to do that anyways before i try to make a comittment to another person…sorry if this thread threw anyone for a loop i know its kinda drama, my personal issues … but thnx for the comments :slight_smile:


#12

Charlotte I’m sorry that you feel out of place as a single mom. First off, your worth as a women and a potential future spouse to someone is not based on being a “virgin.”

So many people have done the same things you have, though they have not all been given a surprise little blessing as a result of their actions that is so obvious a reminder :slight_smile:

I guess the reason “two pure people coming together” is so stressed is because it is the ideal. So much in the world is telling us not to be pure that many of us really want to stress it to young people and to show them a different way. This should not make you feel ashamed. You made a mistake. A mistake that even some great Saints made before they became who they could be in God. You are on a different path now, rejoice! Maybe your actions were a mistake, but your daughter coming into the world wasn’t - she was a pure blessing.


#13

Well do not assume what someone elses life is, it may not be as perfect as it appears. But that is not the point. This is about your relationship with Christ. This is what I find so unbelieveable. Now I am not referring to you at this point. But you see all of these people who pay more attention to the people in the Church then what the Church really is and what it offers. I am not a theologian but Christ founded the Church and instituted the seven sacraments-that is where divine grace is-He is waiting for you there. Go to Him and do not let the people of the Church become the issue-whether clergy or laity-this is the Church Jesus Christ has given to us all.

This is my approach and when I focus on my relationship with Christ via the sacraments of the Eucharist and Confession things really start to open up for me.


#14

:hug1: I don’t think anyone is judging you or implying that you’re bad or undesirable or less of a person, etc. It seems to me that you are the one projecting these insults on yourself. In a way, I think that’s a positive thing. Fulton Sheen said that all good people have a war going on internally…the people you have to worry about are the ones who aren’t at war with themselves because it usually means they’ve surrendered something fundamental. In your case, I suspect that nobody could judge you as harshly as you’re judging yourself.

But the great thing is that God is a merciful Father…If you repent and confess your sin, He will forgive you and you can start over fresh and new. I’ve seen the mercy of God work so powerfully and unexpectedly on people who really thought they were lost forever.


#15

So be it Worthy5, :cool:


#16

**Remember dear :slight_smile: child . . . **that God has a wonderful plan and good purpose for the life of each of His children . . . **and that includes you **. . . **God loves you **. . . and day by day as you seek Him and the . . . Great Holy Kindness of His Presence . . . with you and your child . . . just humbly and prayerfully ask Him to . . . open your eyes . . . that you may see and perceive . . . **His Holy Hand **. . . guiding and providing in your daily life in the present . . . and let the past go and remain in the past . . . I love the encouraging portion of Sacred Scripture below . . .

"Why art thou cast down, O my soul?
and why art thou disquieted in me?
+ hope thou in God: +
for I shall yet praise him
for the help of his countenance."
Psalm 42:5
:bible1:

Through your sharing in your post . . . it seems as if your eyes are turned a bit too much upon the past . . . which . . .* whenever your heart and mind turn backwards to the past . . . touches upon the wounds and bruises it has inflicted upon your soul and in your spirit through choices made there . . . and causes you pain . . . Now that you have been forgiven and absolved of sins and errors of judgment in your past by our Wonderful Lord through His Church’s cleansing and healing administration of the Sacrament of Reconciliation (confession). . .it really helps in God’s gentle ongoing healing and restoration process of the soul . . . to coooperate with Him by choosing to train your heart :heart: and mind . . . NOT . . . to dwell on the past . . . but rather to concentrate your thoughts and energies upon our . . . Wonderful Lord . . . and seeking Him . . .*** as His beloved redeemed child**** . . . in your . . . present today . . . looking to Him for the blest provisions for today . . . and to open up the healthy good future He has planned for you for your tomorrows . . . and don’t doubt for a minute that He does indeed have a good and holy and great future for you in Him . . . Just live each day in and for our . . . Beloved Jesus . . . seeking His love and healing for the day . . . and strength for the day . . . and in seeking Him as the . . . Lord of the Church . . . and you will find peace in His Church . . . and souls there who will welcome you there in Him . . .

If they have a Rosary Prayer Group . . . or a Bible Study Group . . . a small group . . . centered on our Lord . . . of some kind . . . that’s a great way to gradually get acquainted and grow in the Lord . . . around and in . . . Christ . . . and to allow Him to welcome you through and among His children . . . and to make you feel . . . **much more comfortable **. . . as you take your place among them . . . and seek out our Holy Mother . . . ***the Blessed Virgin Mary ***. . . to help you find the little niche prepared for you there . . . she always knows the way . . .

Keep your mind and your heart :heart: centered upon Jesus . . . and you will find “your” way that He has prepared for you today . . . and in the days ahead in your future . . .

"In all thy ways acknowledge Him,
and He shall direct thy paths."
Proverbs 3:6
:bible1:

"For in thee,**
O LORD**,
do I hope: thou wilt hear,
O LORD my God."
Psalm 38:15
:bible1:

God’s sweetest blessings to you and your family . . .
[RIGHT]. . . all for Jesus+
. . . Heavenly Father cradle and carry these two+
. . . in Your Holy Hands +
. . . thank You Blessed Lord+
[/RIGHT]


#17

I had a bad past with guys. God rescued me and brought me back to Him. I am now with a man who is a virgin (I am not), and he knows all about my past, but what matters is that I changed and we are very happily practicing chastity and modesty and loving it! He loves me and forgives me. I thank God for forgiving me (He is so merciful!).

God Bless,
sj


#18

Actually, the reasons the banns of marriage were announced in the past is because an upcoming marriage in the parish was considered to be everybody’s business! More specifically, it was expected that anyone who knew of a possible impediment to the marriage–such as an already existing marriage–would notify the priest. But I don’t think that ever worked very well. There were some cases in which one of the partners claimed to have an annulment, but never produced the document. When the document wasn’t on hand on the wedding day, the priest would cancel the ceremony.


#19

Hello Jesus 1 2 3 , you are a wonderful spiritual director, Thank you ,I think we all need someone like you in our lives, to help us to see sometimes, and pray for us. God continue to bless you in what you do:thumbsup:C


#20

Isnt He/She…I was just reading that and thinking ‘Thank you’ :crossrc:


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