No longer single - so why do I feel so horrible?


#1

After three weeks of talking -- two of those weeks every evening on the phone -- I finally met the young woman who I have mentioned before from Catholic Match, and as things developed somewhat naturally enough (and I say somewhat since I lack proper judgment for what constitutes "the norm") she and I are for all intents and purposes in a relationship. When we held hands, I wasn't sure if that sealed the deal, but the kiss did.

Don't get me (or my emotions) wrong, I like this girl, I care for her, and I love talking with her and spending time with her. I can trust her, we're honest with one another, we're our own unique selves but we get along. I don't know that I would call it a dream come true, but it's good and I'm glad it's good. So why do I feel so sad? Why do I feel like I've committed some big mistake? Why do I feel so scared? I'm trying to lift all of this up to God, but it's just not working...

She lives only 1 1/2 hours away, but we're not scheduled to see each other again until Valentine's weekend when we'll be spending the whole weekend together. Already I'd like to see her again, though.


#2

Two reasons:

1) your inner "gut" is telling you something is not right.

2) the enemy is playing with your emotions in order to ruin a good thing.

Which is it? Discernment of spirit is up to you.


#3

[quote="purplesunshine, post:2, topic:184361"]
Two reasons:

1) your inner "gut" is telling you something is not right.

2) the enemy is playing with your emotions in order to ruin a good thing.

Which is it? Discernment of spirit is up to you.

[/quote]

I agree it's one of these 2 things... or possibly a third. Sometimes we fall victim to our own romanticizing of what we thought it would be like when we meet a special person. When life ends up being "normal" or not what we expected we can feel sad even if the situation is actually really good. If you think that may be the case, then be careful to pray and seek guidance because I've seen more than one person (myself included) throw away great relationships because we had unrealistic expectations of what a meaningful relationship would feel like or look like.


#4

[quote="purplesunshine, post:2, topic:184361"]
Two reasons:

1) your inner "gut" is telling you something is not right.

2) the enemy is playing with your emotions in order to ruin a good thing.

Which is it? Discernment of spirit is up to you.

[/quote]

This is good advice. I think this is just relationship jitters.


#5

[quote="zaramarie81, post:3, topic:184361"]
I agree it's one of these 2 things... or possibly a third. Sometimes we fall victim to our own romanticizing of what we thought it would be like when we meet a special person. When life ends up being "normal" or not what we expected we can feel sad even if the situation is actually really good. If you think that may be the case, then be careful to pray and seek guidance because I've seen more than one person (myself included) throw away great relationships because we had unrealistic expectations of what a meaningful relationship would feel like or look like.

[/quote]

This still falls under one of the two categories.


#6

I've recently started to date somone special (it is still weird that I have a boyfriend, I guess it would never happen again, especially since I feel like I'm nothing). Anywho, for so long, I thought that when I get a boyfriend, my life would change for the better. He is a great guy, but my life is still my life. I've broken my foot and lost my job (because I asked for less hours) all in the space of two days, but I now have someone to help me through it.


#7

[quote="purplesunshine, post:2, topic:184361"]
Two reasons:

1) your inner "gut" is telling you something is not right.

2) the enemy is playing with your emotions in order to ruin a good thing.

Which is it? Discernment of spirit is up to you.

[/quote]

I think I miss her, for one. Though, I know we both have our own lives to live, so I don't want this relationship to start down a path of mutual dependence.

As I've mentioned before about my conversations with her, I have this self-sabotage element in me. I'm afraid that I'm not the right guy for her, that she's wasting her time and emotions own me, and that she's only going to get hurt even though I don't want to hurt her. She seems to really like me, though, so I don't know what I'm talking about apparently. There's a big part of me that wishes she could find a guy who wanted to treat her as well as I plan to treat to her but who isn't me, who maybe lived a little closer. *

And maybe I'm just scared since it's been so long since I've been in a relationship. I really want the best for her, and I don't want us to have made a mistake for that very reason.*


#8

[quote="purplesunshine, post:5, topic:184361"]
This still falls under one of the two categories.

[/quote]

Well, I am not talking about spiritual warfare. Just plain old unmet expectations. Certain temperaments struggle more with this on a natural level moreseo than others.


#9

[quote="Epistemes, post:7, topic:184361"]
I think I miss her, for one. Though, I know we both have our own lives to live, so I don't want this relationship to start down a path of mutual dependence.

As I've mentioned before about my conversations with her, I have this self-sabotage element in me. I'm afraid that I'm not the right guy for her, that she's wasting her time and emotions own me, and that she's only going to get hurt even though I don't want to hurt her. She seems to really like me, though, so I don't know what I'm talking about apparently. There's a big part of me that wishes she could find a guy who wanted to treat her as well as I plan to treat to her but who isn't me, who maybe lived a little closer. *

And maybe I'm just scared since it's been so long since I've been in a relationship. I really want the best for her, and I don't want us to have made a mistake for that very reason.*

Epistomes... regardless of the girl you date, I'd recommend seeking help (spiritual director, counselor, etc) with the feelings of insecurity? At least that sounds like a real struggle for you (one I can relate to as well)... If you plan on treating her well, I am not sure why she would be better off with someone else. :)

[/quote]


#10

[quote="zaramarie81, post:8, topic:184361"]
Well, I am not talking about spiritual warfare. Just plain old unmet expectations. Certain temperaments struggle more with this on a natural level moreseo than others.

[/quote]

We are ALWAYS in spiritual warfare. The level of the battle is sometimes on a more human level...but the devil & his demons FEEDS on this uncertainty. If it is not from God it is from the enemy.

As I've mentioned before about my conversations with her, I have this self-sabotage element in me. I'm afraid that I'm not the right guy for her, that she's wasting her time and emotions own me, and that she's only going to get hurt even though I don't want to hurt her. She seems to really like me, though, so I don't know what I'm talking about apparently. There's a big part of me that wishes she could find a guy who wanted to treat her as well as I plan to treat to her but who isn't me, who maybe lived a little closer. **

I've worked in several fields and the biggest thing I push is COUNSELING. Your self doubt and self-sabotage will not just disappear. You will bring it into your future life, which, I'm sure is the last thing you want. Weither it be spiritual counseling through a priest or a good catholic psychologist or even a knowledgeable psychiatrist who can provide meds because even the problem of self-sabatoge can be a chemical, not organic problem.


#11

[quote="purplesunshine, post:10, topic:184361"]
We are ALWAYS in spiritual warfare. The level of the battle is sometimes on a more human level...but the devil & his demons FEEDS on this uncertainty. If it is not from God it is from the enemy.

Okay... just sometimes it's good to take ownership of your weaknesses separate of spiritual warfare... I've personally run into dangers with "overspiritualizing" away behaviors that I really need to own as my own. Not sure why this is turning into a debate. I was not disagreeing with your suggestions - I thought they were good - was just adding my own perspective.

[/quote]


#12

No debate. The world just tends to under-spiritualize things. Yes, there are human emotions but our own passions are magnified by two sources...one good and one bad.


#13

[quote="purplesunshine, post:10, topic:184361"]
I've worked in several fields and the biggest thing I push is COUNSELING. Your self doubt and self-sabotage will not just disappear. You will bring it into your future life, which, I'm sure is the last thing you want. Weither it be spiritual counseling through a priest or a good catholic psychologist or even a knowledgeable psychiatrist who can provide meds because even the problem of self-sabatoge can be a chemical, not organic problem.

[/quote]

I have been going to counseling for awhile now through CSS for self-esteem issues. And yes, my girlfriend knows about this and was very understanding when I told her. I felt it best to be upfront with all of who I am and what she's getting, not just the highlights.

I plan on telling my counselor about these emotions when we meet.


#14

[quote="Epistemes, post:13, topic:184361"]
I have been going to counseling for awhile now through CSS for self-esteem issues. And yes, my girlfriend knows about this and was very understanding when I told her. I felt it best to be upfront with all of who I am and what she's getting, not just the highlights.

I plan on telling my counselor about these emotions when we meet.

[/quote]

Ok, thats good and its good you're aware of the problem. So often people are set on the "old way" of not sharing your problems with others.


#15

[quote="purplesunshine, post:12, topic:184361"]
No debate. The world just tends to under-spiritualize things. Yes, there are human emotions but our own passions are magnified by two sources...one good and one bad.

[/quote]

Oh okay... yeah, sometimes the world can terribly underestimate spiritual influences.


#16

Do you expect too much? Many young people feel that a relationship will make life perfect, that they will feel whole and happy and shiny.

Do not expect another person to give you self esteem, to make you perfect, to make life a rose garden. Expect them to be someone to walk beside in the rocky hard path that leads to heaven.


#17

I think that's God's way of telling you that you haven't found "the one." I'd recommend breaking it off a.s.a.p. The longer it goes on, the harder it will be to break it off. When you find the one, you will not feel "horrible," you will feel wonderful.


#18

*Hi Epistemes–so happy for you! I think that change is always scary…even good change. You’re changing and growing, so that is scary, sometimes. I think over time, with this girl, you’ll get used to the idea of not being single. Trust in the Lord for everything, and He will guide you.

I wish you God’s best with your newfound ‘‘status.’’ :)*


#19

[quote="whatevergirl, post:18, topic:184361"]
*Hi Epistemes--so happy for you! I think that change is always scary...even good change. You're changing and growing, so that is scary, sometimes. I think over time, with this girl, you'll get used to the idea of not being single. Trust in the Lord for everything, and He will guide you.

I wish you God's best with your newfound ''status.'' :)*

[/quote]

I know the feeling. I really like my boyfriend, but it does taking some getting used to. I've been single for so long, I don't know how to be a girlfriend. :) I can't help but think "how long till he tires of me?" I don't bring much to the table that is unique.


#20

[quote="CountrySinger, post:19, topic:184361"]
I know the feeling. I really like my boyfriend, but it does taking some getting used to. I've been single for so long, I don't know how to be a girlfriend. :) I can't help but think "how long till he tires of me?" I don't bring much to the table that is unique.

[/quote]

Yes, you do...you just don't think you do. :) I think that anything that causes us to move out of our comfort zones, is scary. Especially thinking of another person's needs now, not just your own...it's a big thing, when you have grown accustomed to singlehood. But, without growth, we don't learn...and if your situation or Epistemes' situation does not move towards marriage, you still walk away a changed person, having learned and grown.


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