No peace in the family


#1

Hi,

I was wondering are there any special prayers or devotions that could help establishing peace in the family?

I'm terrified of the holidays coming up. For many years now, my parents have had many problems. My mom is really mad at my dad for some things in the past and she often says that she hates him. This upsets me a lot because in the end anger, hatred, and unforgiveness, only harms the person who is angry, and I'm always praying for my family to find healing in Christ. My family doesn't go to church on a regular basis and are not Catholic. My dad got some presents for my mom for Christmas and for her birthday, and Im afraid that she would just throw them out or something, and that there would be a huge fight.. like every year. That, or my dad would be called in for work (long story). Im constantly nervous about this and on the verge of tears. Mom is really emotional and everything upsets her, and I dont know how to help. Today I made a mistake and she got so upset. I want to cook the Christmas dinner tomorrow and I hope that would help maybe ease the tension. If you can please remember my family in your intentions.. I was wondering if anyone has any advice or if you know any good prayers. Whenever I see a happy family somewhere I feel so much pain. Even when I think of the Holy Family. I feel like my family is constantly being attacked maybe demonically. Many of my friends are talking about the good times they are having with their families this Christmas, and I know no family is perfect but it hurts a lot to think about this. I'm sorry I don't want to complain.. I never talk about this and today has just been a bit much, I needed to tell someone.

Just for some background info.. I'm in my early 20s, I currently live in another city studying in university, but I came home for the Christmas break.

I would appreciate any advice, thank you :)

God bless


#2

I wish I had some wonderful wisdom to share with you. The holidays are hard when people in your family don't have very much fun, or are fighting, etc. Do you have friends you can visit, to have some fun and more light-heartedness? try not to compare their families and yours, though, or you might feel worse. I find that when I am feeling my worst, feeling that the whole world is happy except me, if I sit down and write out a few things that I am grateful for in my life, it helps me see that not all is dark and grim. Even in my worst times, there are still good things in my life and I don't have to stay obsessed with the bad stuff. I can choose what I put my focus on.

I would say a rosary as often as you can. And I will put you and your parents in my prayers, going up right now to pray before bed.

And remember, your mother getting upset because you made a mistake is HER PROBLEM and not yours!!!! All of your parents' problems belong to them. I know they impact you too, but you can make different choices in your life and you are not trapped by their past choices. How great that you are mostly away at university!

:hug3::hug1:


#3

Holidays are tough. I haven't had a holiday were I was with my mother and father for five years. I always have to choose between the two. I wish I didn't have to. There is no easy answer to your situation. Pray for yourself so that you can maintain your relationship with both parents. It is hard and will be painful for you every time you try to fix their problems. They both want your loyalty and both want you to see things through their eyes. I bet they both want you to believe their version of why the marriage failed. Stay focused on trying to keep your distance from their problems. With any case where two people who have closely bonded have split apart, there will always be drama.

Pray that you may find a husband that won't divorce you and that you won't divorce. The best way to mak peace is to create an example of peace for others to follow. God will work through yout good work through the Holy Spirit and your parents will be drawn closer to God through your own example.


#4

[quote="TheRealJuliane, post:2, topic:223677"]
I wish I had some wonderful wisdom to share with you. The holidays are hard when people in your family don't have very much fun, or are fighting, etc. Do you have friends you can visit, to have some fun and more light-heartedness? try not to compare their families and yours, though, or you might feel worse. I find that when I am feeling my worst, feeling that the whole world is happy except me, if I sit down and write out a few things that I am grateful for in my life, it helps me see that not all is dark and grim. Even in my worst times, there are still good things in my life and I don't have to stay obsessed with the bad stuff. I can choose what I put my focus on.

I would say a rosary as often as you can. And I will put you and your parents in my prayers, going up right now to pray before bed.

And remember, your mother getting upset because you made a mistake is HER PROBLEM and not yours!!!! All of your parents' problems belong to them. I know they impact you too, but you can make different choices in your life and you are not trapped by their past choices. How great that you are mostly away at university!

:hug3::hug1:

[/quote]

thanks for the advice and prayers Juliane :hug1:

I think that's a good idea making a list of everything I'm thankful for. :) it's so easy to get focused on things that are going wrong. I'll try to make a list like that.

I find that even when I'm in university I still worry about my family and how they are doing here at home.

[quote="mjs1987, post:3, topic:223677"]
Holidays are tough. I haven't had a holiday were I was with my mother and father for five years. I always have to choose between the two. I wish I didn't have to. There is no easy answer to your situation. Pray for yourself so that you can maintain your relationship with both parents. It is hard and will be painful for you every time you try to fix their problems. They both want your loyalty and both want you to see things through their eyes. I bet they both want you to believe their version of why the marriage failed. Stay focused on trying to keep your distance from their problems. With any case where two people who have closely bonded have split apart, there will always be drama.

Pray that you may find a husband that won't divorce you and that you won't divorce. The best way to mak peace is to create an example of peace for others to follow. God will work through yout good work through the Holy Spirit and your parents will be drawn closer to God through your own example.

[/quote]

Thanks for the advice Mjs. I'm sorry to hear your holidays are difficult too :( my parents still live together but the dynamics of the family is like they're divorced. There's also a lot of unforgiveness. I hope that God would work through me somehow to help bring some peace to my family. If only I didn't have so many flaws. - but I know He is stronger.

God bless :)


#5

My dear friend, your special intentions are in my prayers. I have found that the infant Jesus denies us nothing if we ask Him with a sincere and humble heart, and through the intercession of his most holy Mother. He is with you. He is with your family. I have placed this situation at His feet..


#6

Thanks so much Lil_flower_luv :hug1: :)


#7

Perhaps you could use try praying the Holy Family Prayer

Lord Jesus Christ, who, being made subject to Mary and Joseph, didst consecrate domestic life by Thine ineffable virtues; grant that we, with the assistance of both, may be taught by the example of Thy Holy Family and may attain to it's everlasting fellowship. Who livest and reignsest forever. Amen

Sunday Dec. 26 is Holy Family Day....

Good luck! Family and Holidays seem to be hard for many of us!!!


#8

I understand family problems and I agree that the Rosary is a wonderful tool given to us by our Lady, also you may want to ask for the intersession of St Eugene DeMazzenod, (patron St of dysfunctional families). At any rate you and your family are in my prayers.


#9

Cry.

Seriously... cry when they fight. It totally works when my kids do it. I don't care if your child is 5 or 25...you see them cry you are going to feel bad.


#10

[quote="faithfully, post:7, topic:223677"]
Perhaps you could use try praying the Holy Family Prayer

Lord Jesus Christ, who, being made subject to Mary and Joseph, didst consecrate domestic life by Thine ineffable virtues; grant that we, with the assistance of both, may be taught by the example of Thy Holy Family and may attain to it's everlasting fellowship. Who livest and reignsest forever. Amen

Sunday Dec. 26 is Holy Family Day....

Good luck! Family and Holidays seem to be hard for many of us!!!

[/quote]

thank you Faithfully! :)

[quote="Lea1882, post:8, topic:223677"]
I understand family problems and I agree that the Rosary is a wonderful tool given to us by our Lady, also you may want to ask for the intersession of St Eugene DeMazzenod, (patron St of dysfunctional families). At any rate you and your family are in my prayers.

[/quote]

I've never heard of this Saint before, thank you for letting me know! :)

[quote="violet81, post:9, topic:223677"]
Cry.

Seriously... cry when they fight. It totally works when my kids do it. I don't care if your child is 5 or 25...you see them cry you are going to feel bad.

[/quote]

Nowadays I usually just stay in my room when they fight, but in the past, I'd get involved and I did cry. I can see how it would work, but in my family it didn't. Either one parent would blame the other for making me cry and the argument would escalate even higher, or something else. :(


#11

Your family situation sounds somewhat like mine. Everyone pretends everything is fine while there are guests, and when people are gone it is up to me to be everything to everyone.

I have anxiety problems which are probably in part because I am relied on as an emotional crutch by my parents, who don’t even like each other. They don’t mean to do this and I haven’t made them aware as I should, but it is very hard. I’m constantly trying to ease tension between them and it’s made it difficult for me to move on and live my own life, even though I moved out several years ago. I also am still constantly trying to be the person my mother wants me to be, even though I am almost 30, which is a lot of pressure.

Sometimes I have to step back and realize, as Juliane wrote, that my parents’ problems are theirs and not mine. This is good advice, and it takes practice to learn to make it into a habit. It’s also harder when you’re right in the situation. But in the end, they are wrong to create an environment where you are terrified to come home, and should keep their issues between themselves. It isn’t fair that you are caught in the middle. I don’t have any really great advice; I just wanted to let you know I feel the same about a similar situation and will say a prayer for you that your visit goes smoothly.


#12

One additional suggestion, just in case...

If there drinking is involved in any of these family problems (it isn't always, but frequently plays a part), you can go to Al-Anon, which is a worldwide fellowship of people who have been affected by someone else's drinking. You don't even have to know whether that person is truly an alcoholic or not. If the drinking bothers you, you are qualified. Al-Anon helps the family and friends of alcoholics through support that offers experience, strength and hope. and you will learn to use tools such as loving detachment, that help you live your own life in serenity and happiness no matter what others around you may choose. Al-Anon's focus is on YOU, not the alcoholic or the drinker.

al-anon.alateen.org/ This website lists meetings in the US, Canada and Puerto Rico.

Here is the Al-Anon website for the UK.

al-anonuk.org.uk/ There is a link to finding meetings near you.

You can also attend Al-Anon meetings if your loved one or friend is an addict. There are some separate 12-step groups for specific addictions but since Al-Anon is the largest support group and is worldwide, the membership is inclusive of other addictions as well. The one I have not heard openly discussed is the sexual addicts/porn addicts. Those people do seem to go to their own groups or at least they don't discuss their particulars in Al-Anon meetings.

The holidays increase membership in Al-Anon and after the holidays, more alcoholics join AA.


#13

[quote="Marie682, post:11, topic:223677"]
Your family situation sounds somewhat like mine. Everyone pretends everything is fine while there are guests, *and when people are gone it is up to me to be everything to everyone. *

I have anxiety problems which are probably in part because I am relied on as an emotional crutch by my parents, who don't even like each other. They don't mean to do this and I haven't made them aware as I should, but it is very hard. I'm constantly trying to ease tension between them and it's made it difficult for me to move on and live my own life, even though I moved out several years ago. I also am still constantly trying to be the person my mother wants me to be, even though I am almost 30, which is a lot of pressure.

Sometimes I have to step back and realize, as Juliane wrote, that my parents' problems are theirs and not mine. This is good advice, and it takes practice to learn to make it into a habit. It's also harder when you're right in the situation. But in the end, they are wrong to create an environment where you are terrified to come home, and should keep their issues between themselves. It isn't fair that you are caught in the middle. I don't have any really great advice; I just wanted to let you know I feel the same about a similar situation and will say a prayer for you that your visit goes smoothly.

[/quote]

If you can't stop doing this, trying to be everything to both of your parents, I would say that you need to limit your time with them even further. Do not spend huge blocks of time with them, maybe meet them for a meal outside the home, or an activity of some sort such as a movie or other recreation. Their relationship needs to stand or fall on its own now that you are a grown person and are out of the house. They have left you with emotional fall-out from their own failings, but you must love yourself now in a way that they could never show you. You have to care more about yourself and your own life than you care about rescuing either of them. I know it sounds cold to say, but your own life is at risk here. If you stay tied up with their lives, you may never become the person God has planned and dreamed that you will be.

:hug1::hug3:


#14

I hope you know you’re not alone. Even though my father has never lived with my mother and I have no recollection of him in my childhood before 7 years of age, my mother has found plenty of other people to be vex with. For example, my mother pretty well hates my aunt who’s living with us. Sometimes I lose sleep over waking up at 5-6 in the morning because they’re yelling so loud. On top of that… This isn’t something that’s been happening recently. It’s been going on for a while. The amount of tension in my home is very unnerving sometimes and I wish I could just escape it. It’s not easy handling the fact that most of my maternal family won’t talk to me because they’ve got an axe to grind with my mother, and hardly anyone on my paternal side will talk to me because they simply don’t know me and don’t care about knowing me.

So… Don’t feel alone.


#15

[quote="Monica4316, post:6, topic:223677"]
Thanks so much Lil_flower_luv :hug1: :)

[/quote]

:hug1:


#16

thank you for the replies everyone.

alright so all the things that I thought would happen, happened :( my parents just had a huge fight.. I mean, they were physically fighting.. my mom threw all the presents he got her across the room, told him to never come back, dad took some things and left. My mom screamed and cried for a long time until I gave her some calming meds. I don't understand anything. My mom thinks dad had an affair and hates him completely. I don't know but I don't think dad had an affair. I know he's been trying very hard to make peace and has also been coming closer to God lately. There's so much anger and pain and hurt in my mom that I'm literally terrified for her. Now this Christmas will be the same as several years ago.. my dad will spend Christmas in the car or in a shelter, mom will cry the whole time, and I'll just be trying to calm her down. I can't even receive the Eucharist tonight because I haven't been to Confession and I'm going through so many difficulties in my faith not knowing if I should be Catholic or Orthodox and not even knowing how to come back to God. I'm sorry about this post :( I just dont know who I can share this with. I don't want to burden my friends with this during Christmas. I just feel this is a completely hopeless situation, it's been going on for years, and I'm really afraid that they'll never forgive each other.

Please pray for my family :( I don't even have any siblings who could help, all our extended family lives overseas, and we don't have any family friends who are close enough.


#17

Have you committed mortal sins since your last confession? You do know that the penitential rite within the lass covers our venial sins, right? Please don't deprive yourself of the Lord's Body and Blood when you need His grace the most, unless it's completely necessary!

About the rest...I am just so, so sorry that your parents are going through this and that you are there to witness it. Sounds like a drama that they've been playing out for some time, and everyone knows their roles pretty well. Not a happy play, though.

:nope::console:


#18

[quote="TheRealJuliane, post:17, topic:223677"]
Have you committed mortal sins since your last confession? You do know that the penitential rite within the lass covers our venial sins, right? Please don't deprive yourself of the Lord's Body and Blood when you need His grace the most, unless it's completely necessary!

[/quote]

unfortunately, I think I've committed mortal sins :( it's been a while since my last Confession.. I've been spending all this time trying to figure out what my sins are, and praying for a good Confession, that I ended up missing the day Confessions are offered at my parish.

I know it's a rule that all Catholics must receive the Eucharist once a year... it is a sin not to receive the Eucharist on Christmas? is this obligatory?

About the rest...I am just so, so sorry that your parents are going through this and that you are there to witness it. Sounds like a drama that they've been playing out for some time, and everyone knows their roles pretty well. Not a happy play, though.

:nope::console:

:hug1:

I just prayed the Divine Mercy chaplet.. I hope God will help in this situation somehow.

thanks for your reply :)

God bless.


#19

[quote="Monica4316, post:18, topic:223677"]
unfortunately, I think I've committed mortal sins :( it's been a while since my last Confession.. I've been spending all this time trying to figure out what my sins are, and praying for a good Confession, that I ended up missing the day Confessions are offered at my parish.

I know it's a rule that all Catholics must receive the Eucharist once a year... it is a sin not to receive the Eucharist on Christmas? is this obligatory?

If you can't even remember what your mortal sins are, I wouldn't worry about it. Just remember the sins you've committed as far back as you can remember, confess those sins and tell the priest that you think you may have committed mortal sins in the past but you forgot what they were. Your sins will still be forgiven. Now if you don't have a good reason for not going to mass then you've sinned. Christmas is a day of obligation and so is boxing day (because it's Sunday this year)

:hug1:

I just prayed the Divine Mercy chaplet.. I hope God will help in this situation somehow.

thanks for your reply :)

God bless.

[/quote]


#20

Toxic parents.

You are not their care taker or responsible for their actions. You need to leave, get away when they start fighting.

They need serious professional help and there is nothing you can do but pray for them. You probably need someone to talk to as well. So toxic!

And please do not think everyone has a perfect family gathering on Christmas...stop worrying about that.

really,your parents should not be dealing with their affairs or whatever in your presence.

I will pray for you!


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