No remorse after sinning


#1

My husband and I both committed grave sins within our marriage. I feel utterly remorseful for my sins that I committed over almost 2 years ago.

Recently I just caught my husband committing the SAME transgression again about 2 weeks ago…which lead to him saying he wanted a divorce and he left home. He came back, said he wanted to work stuff out and we started counseling, but I asked him last night if he felt any remorse for what he did, and he told me no. I am so upset now, he said the same thing (feeling no remorse) 1 year ago when I caught him doing the same sin. In fact, he brushes off all his actions with “well I was mad at you.” I could almost accept that answer a year ago cause that is when I confessed to him my sins.

I feel my marriage is doom to fail now because my husband feels no remorse, and I am certain that him feeling that way will lead him to sin again.

As a Catholic, what am I to do? I don’t want to divorce, but I don’t know how to handle living with someone who isn’t truely sorry for what they did.:frowning:

Thank you
Sorrel


#2

Can you give us a hint on what this is pertaining to? I am guessing your are saying he is cheating on you?


#3

He went on these horrible websites affiarmatch.com marriedmatches.com etc etc etc about 7 sites (that I found) … saying he was unhappily married and only staying married to me because we have a son. Basically he email over 100 women(well I stopped counting at 100 cause I was so grossed out) asking if they wanted to met up for sex. The first time, a year ago, I figured out his password and logons and got into the sites, this time around he gave me his pw and logons after I confronted him…it is disgusting the stuff he said to these other mostly married women.

He swears to me BOTH times he never met anyone. :frowning:

I am having an extremely hard time dealing with all of this, and the fact that he feels NO REMORSE is making it worse.


#4

WOW, that is terrible. I guess if you believe him you should be happy he didnt meet anyone. I dont know why someone would do that, but maybe their is some void he is trying to fill. The fact that he is so blatant about it is a little strange, but if he didnt tell the truth you would be mad about that too. I would give him some time to let it sink in. The fact that he was hiding it tells me he knows it was wrong. I would ask him his reasons for doing it and maybe you can both learn from this experience.


#5

Sometimes people need to hit rock bottom before they admit they need to change. Sometimes rock bottom for a man is when his wife takes their son and moves home with mom and dad until he gets some counselling and works on his issues.


**I am not advising you to do this, only to think about what would get through to your hubby so that he realizes on his own that he needs to work on being a better husband and father. **


And you need to take some time to think about anything you have done that may have contributed to the marital problems and work on those.


Malia


#6

Run for your life. Yesterday. This “man” is not worth your heart, your love, your self-respect, or your future HIV status. And the lying, lack of conscience, and “I did it because I was mad at you” line are red flags that you could, in fact, be dealing with a clinical sociopath. Run.


#7

Ask him to pray for remorse.

But, I agree, unless he repents, there is no hope. :frowning:


#8

Well this is a sad read I am afraid I understand it, but I hope I am wrong. You and your hubby like to pass your problems on to each other. Your growing up starting to see this. Now you want him to stop passing problems and grow up. He is not ready. Now it is decision time, will you wait for him?, or should you move on? My only advice is to postpone additional children until this is resolved and that is years away. If you are not up to years of waiting and disappointment then you know what to do. Your discussion of the 2 year old sin probably is signal you have already decided. I hope things work out for you


#9

although i know that you are going through a lot of pain and heartache, believe me when i tell you that leaving home and breaking up the family is not God’s way.
If God were to leave us and go everytime we made a mistake, where would we be today?
I know the issue here is that he is not showing true remorse, but your leaving home will only push him more into that lifestyle as he would then be left lonely.
This just my 2 cents as I believed that I would be very happy too once I left my husband and the reverse is true.
Please focus on his good points and not his bad and with some spiritual guidance, I believe you will be able to overcome this dark period in your life.
will be praying for you.


#10

Thank you for all your replies.

My husband and I have talked at length about his feeling no remorse. He is starting to see what I am talking about…basically in his mind, he didn’t commit a sin yet cause he didnt met anyone…and I had to explain to him that thru his thoughts and actions he was cheating mentally/emotionally. We have decided to bring it up at our next mariage counseling session, next week. I plan to talk about his lack of remorse at lenght with the conselor.

He was also recently diagnosed as Bipolar 2, so I can’t honestly say how much of his mental illness is playing into our marital problems and his bad behaviors over our 11 year marriage. Thankfully he is taking medication now, and what a difference:thumbsup:

Thank you for all your thoughts and prayers. We have been doing very well since I first posted…and I hope we continue too.

Thanks
Sorrel


#11

It sickens me that there are websites where married men and women can meet up for casual sex. Who actually has the audacity to set up such sites?? I am so sorry your husband got caught up in it. I am sure he feels remorse deep down but maybe is too proud to admit it (?). I hope the counseling sessions are productive.


#12

Emotions do not make you more or less morally culpable or morally meritorious. They are largely out of your control. It may help if you do not expect your husband to change his feelings, but only expect him to change his actions and hope that his feelings will come along after in due time.

It is a help to feel remorse when you need to repent, but it is not necessary. You also do not have to think what you don’t think or see what you don’t see. In those cases, though, you do have to choose to trust in what you have heard proclaimed as the word of God and act accordingly.

In other words, the necessary act in seeking contrition and reconciliation is an act of will, not an act of emotion or even an feat of intellect. What is necessary is for your husband to decide to turn away from what he did because it is objectively wrong, to choose what he believes is right over what he feels or thinks he knows.

For instance, if someone has a physical affair, they can feel it is right, they can want it, they can feel no regret for the sin in it, and even “be in love” with the person with whom they were unfaithful. As long as the person does not make the choice to return to and wallow in those emotions, the emotions in themselves are not the sin.

What is important is that the person turns from their sin because they choose to believe that the word of God (not to mention thousands of years of human experience) tells them that infidelity is treacherous and morally repugnant. They do not have to see that. They only have to act as if they did see it.

This makes contrition and reconciliation an act of faith in the law of God.

Also, your husband needs to refrain from speech and actions that hurt you, regardless of what his emotion or intellect may call to him to do. He needs to make the choice in favor of what he believes over the choice in favor of his own preference. This means not talking about something that is going to hurt you. If he needs to talk this over for someone (and he does) it would be best for the two of you to get him to his pastor or to a Catholic counsellor, someone who can guide him in his moral dilemma without being hurt by the very fact that he is having it.

If it helps, I know of a man who left an affair under these very circumstances (except that his wife only suspected his infidelity, rather than knowing for sure). He chose to return to her, to honor the vows he made to her, and to start acting in a way that was faithful, even though he very much wanted to leave her for the other woman and really only had feelings for the other woman. He and his wife both got counselling for the problems in their marriage. The other woman, who had problems of her own, he sent to those who could help her, and then cut off the relationship on the grounds that he was exactly what she didn’t need…from an objective perspective, though, not from what he felt about it.

They are now happily married, and in fact their marriage is stronger than ever before.

If your husband decides to act according to his promises and beliefs, instead of following the whims of his emotions and his personal intellect, this can still come out well. It will require much faith and compassion on both your part and his, but it can work out.


#13

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