No Self-Esteem


#1

Help, I just recently was reminded of how fragile my self-esteem was. Losing in an internet creative writing game (I honestly don’t need to go into detail) I broke down…I’m typing this in this similar state.

I hate myself, I can’t deal with competition because when I lose it just fills my head with every other failure I’ve ever imagined or had in my life. I realize the initial reason for being upset isn’t a big deal but as mentioned before I just get reminded of 19 years of failure. Even in school I always hated competing and avoided it whenever I could, and whenever I couldn’t avoid it I always lost. Even grades I would get jealousy and self-hatred if others were smarter, or more clever, or more creative.

I have a entire family support group that loves me more than many families ever love one another and yet I still feel like this. I feel worthless and I just want to sleep and never wake up…

I don’t even feel like I want to be happy, I feel like the emotion I naturally cling too is content/depressive.

I can’t feel anything other than self-hatred, 2011 has been my biggest failure of life…

Even now as I type this for help I feel terrible about it. I know I’m just doing this to aquire pity, God I almost wish I was never born…

This is also the reasoning for my misanthropy. I feel like snarky comments hit me 100 times harder the same with how sensitive I feel the arrogance of others. Honestly I hate people around me as much as I do myself.

Bottom line is I’m having a horrible Existential Crisis


#2

I can empathize. I sometimes feel that way, too. You need to find a good counselor, one who will help you learn to turn your thoughts to a more positive vein when you start this rumination.


#3

Humility is the antidote to pride, which is often at the root of our fears, angers and disappointments. Once we realize that God is Truth, Goodness, and Beauty itself, we begin to understand that our only goal in this brief life on earth is to serve God with all our mind and strength. Therefore, the purpose of your intellect is Truth (God), and the purpose of your will is Goodness and Love (God).

When we become perfect instruments in the hand of God, our talents are put to good use by glorifying God and leading others to God. God does not require that we be successful but rather, that we be faithful.

Here is what Mother Teresa said about pride and humility:

"If we were humble, nothing would change us–neither praise nor discouragement. If someone were to criticize us, we would not feel discouraged. If someone were to praise us, we also would not be proud.”
**
“It is said that humility is truth. The path that will make us more like Jesus is the path of humility.”**

The more we empty ourselves of our pride the more we detach ourselves of things that make us miserable, and the more room we make for God’s will, which is the only way to true happiness. Prayer leads us to finding God’s will. and true freedom from attachments to the world which make us miserable.

Below is the Litany of Humility which is a basic meditation prayer to be said every day in the morning:

O Jesus, meek and humble of heart, Hear me.

From the desire of being esteemed, Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being loved, Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being extolled, Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being honored, Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being praised, Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being preferred to others, Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being consulted, Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being approved, ** Deliver me, O Jesus.
*
From the fear of being humiliated, Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being despised, Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of suffering rebukes, Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being calumniated, Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being forgotten, Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being ridiculed, Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being wronged, Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being suspected, Deliver me, O Jesus.
**
That others may be loved more than I, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be esteemed more than I, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That, in the opinion of the world, others may increase and I may decrease, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be chosen and I set aside, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be praised and I go unnoticed, J
esus, grant me the grace to desire it.**
That others may be preferred to me in everything, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may become holier than I, provided that I may become as holy as I should, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.*

Scripture describes true charity:

*** "Charity is patient, is kind; charity does not envy, is not pretentious, is not puffed up, is not ambitious, is not self-seeking, is not provoked; thinks no evil, does not rejoice over wickedness, but rejoices with the truth, bears with all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. (1 Cor. 13:4-7). ***

The more we meditate on the life of Christ, the more we become like Him. Here is a video of how God teaches us through example how to be humble.:thumbsup:


#4

Dearest Flavius,

I think you are depressed. Maybe you've been depressed for a long time, or maybe not. There are many really good medications that can help you get back on track. Along with some counseling, this can heal some of the scars you've acquired throughout your life. Maybe you are a very sensitive person and even if you have had a good support system, life itself has just been difficult for you to handle. God loves you Flavius, and He does not want you to suffer. If you are clinically depressed, then your brain is not making the right chemicals for you to be able to cope and feel happiness and confidence. The longer your brain "thirsts in the desert" for these certain chemicals, the more damaged it becomes and the pathways toward depression get deeper and more well-traveled. The faster you get some help, the more likely you will not go back to those depression-causing ruts. Over time, your brain can kind of "give up" on making those chemicals and re-structure itself so that you might have a tendency to depression the rest of your life. Don't allow that! You are young and can get help, I know you go to college and if you are in the United States, your semester and your year are almost up. GO NOW to your school counselor and/or the school nurse. Get treatment!

You put a heavy burden on yourself by constantly comparing yourself to others. Somehow, you have to grow more comfortable with knowing that you have done your best, and that is all God expects of any of us. When I was in the 6th grade, I had a classmate who would literally CRY if she got a B! She had an older sister who was as close to perfect as was possible. All A's, as well as being athletically talented. And I suspect that being perfect was the standard in her home. We all felt so sorry for her, to put her head down on her desk and CRY when she got a B!! And we had a HARD teacher, it wasn't easy to get an A in that class, you had to really earn it, no grade inflation in his class, he was brutal. Bless her heart, I wonder what ever happened to her...Don't be that guy! I know you feel you have failed yourself and probably your family but haven't you learned some very valuable lessons too?

I wish I could give you a hug Flavius, you deserve to stop whipping yourself like this. I also think you probably spend too much time on line and not enough with real friends. The internet tends to distort our relationships with people - too much of it isn't good for us (says another addict). I know in my case if I sit here at the laptop too much I get pretty weird.

Go to see the counselor and/or nurse. You are paying for their services anyway. Use them! I will put you in my prayers, Flavius.

:console:

p.s. Gabriel Serfin's post just above mine is very wise too. Allowing yourself to stew in all this negativity is a form of pride. So get some help! And that prayer is very powerful. Pride is the root of all our human sins, IMO. Even the pride of being so messed up.


closed #5

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