No sex drive


#1

Hi.

This is my first time posting a thread. :o

I’ve been married a little over three years and have an almost 4 year old daughter and a son who’ll turn 2 in a few days.

I do not feel the “urge” to be intimate with my husband. I haven’t felt the urge for a loooong time. At first I thought it was because I was pregnant with my son (hormones!). Then after he was born, I thought it was because I was nursing (until he was around 19 months). But I stopped nursing 5 months ago.

I have an appointment to see our family doctor in 2 weeks. I don’t know if this is a physical problem or a mental problem. I suspect both.

My husband is not a practicing Catholic (he was raised Catholic, but fell away). He is not open to having more kids. He insists on using condoms. I still love him, but it’s difficult.

This is hard for me to write such intimate details about my life. I am very private and shy about these issues. But I also want to feel something for my husband, so I’m writing this thread.

It scares me and makes me mad that I don’t want to make love with him.

Okay. I guess that’s all I will write for now.
I will thank you in advance for any advice!!


#2

Don’t be embarrassed or ashamed – I’m glad that you had the courage to post this so maybe we can help you! It is good that you are going to see your doctor. That is the wisest first step for anyone who is struggling with this, to make sure nothing physical is causing it. If everything checks out OK, ask for a referral to a family counselor, preferrably a Catholic one. You might be having communication issues or conflicted feelings about being with DH that need to be examined and dealt with. I wonder if you would feel differently about being intimate if DH were open to having more children. If you are feeling that it is wrong or sinful every time you are together and he wears a condom, that can certainly decrease your desire. Also, the exhaustion that comes from having two pre-school-age children can contribute to your situation. It’s easy to slip into being “Mommy” instead of wife, and seeing yourself that way can affect your libido. Sorry I don’t have any solid answers for you, but I hope my post helps you to get on the right track as far as figuring out the root cause of this. Good luck and God bless.


#3

A healthy sex life is very important to a marriage. I would encourage you to seek help (as you are doing!).

Unfortunately your husband insists on using condoms which very much complicates this matter. This is sinful and may very well be contributing to your conflicting feelings. I recommend doing a search for the “Couple to Couple League”. They will have tons of information on natural family planning. It is 99% effective which is better than a condom! Maybe that is a good place to start with your husband and may ease his fears of another child at this time.

I will pray for you, hope this helps. Glad you found us and welcome to the forums!


#4

Thank you Monicad and Carrie H for your responses.

I suspect I would be more apt to be intimate with my husband if he was open to children. He asks when I’m supposed to get my period and says, “Good, you’re not pregnant” when it comes. He loves our two children so much and enjoys spending time with his neices and nephews. He understands the idea of giving your whole self to your spouse during love making, but he doesn’t understand/agree with the procreative act.

I do know about the Couple to Couple League and Natural Family Planning. I took the home study course (because my husband didn’t want to take the class!). I haven’t been taking my basal temp etc. because to me it seems pointless if he still insists on a condom. I think I should start doing it, though, for my peace of mind.

Thank you, CarrieH, for everything you wrote!! You actually expressed it better than I could.

I talked with my priest about using the condoms. He says since I do not agree with it, it isn’t a sin for me. So I don’t feel guilty, I just do NOT like it. It certainly kills whatever slight desire I might have.

I do feel a bit run down. I am a stay at home mom (which I absolutely LOVE) and it is exhausting with two little ones (but I thank God and my husband for letting me stay home and raise the little rascals!). My daughter just started preschool, so I get a little break from her and have some one on one time with my son. I hope that alleviates some stress.

I am anxiously awaiting my doctor’s appointment…


#5

Thank you for having the courage to post your feelings. You are not alone. I suffer from this as well. I have two children ages 27 months and 8 months. I feel exhausted at the end of the day. However, I even felt like this before I had children as well and I blamed it on my full-time job. I know how it feels to want to have a better sex life. Good luck with your dr.'s appt. I hope you will keep us posted. God bless you.


#6

That’s probably a reason. :frowning:

I don’t have any advice other than prayer. I would pray for your husband’s conversion.

May God bless you both. :slight_smile:


#7

I had my doctor’s appointment last week. He said that it was pretty common for mothers to lose their sex drive. He said it’s hard for some women to make the transition from “mommy” to “wife”. I am not sure if that is the case for me.

He wrote up a lab report to have my thyroid, blood glucose, and CBC checked. I suspect everything is normal, though. He asked if my periods were regular (yes) so he wasn’t going to check my estrogen level.

We talked mostly about the relationship I have with my husband. He suggested getting marriage counseling. He knows I am Catholic and suggested Catholic Social Services. I would probably try it, but I’m not sure if my husband would.

I was wondering if any husbands could give me some insight or advice. I hope I am not damaging my husband’s ego by not being in the mood. He makes sarcastic remarks about how he’s always being rejected. Obviously it is affecting him.

What should I say to him that would get it through his male head that I love him, find him attractive, but for an unknown reason I do not have the desire to be intimate? We still are intimate, but just not as much as he would like.

Sigh. I really did want something specifically physically wrong with me (I know that sounds horrible) so we could fix it. But it seems to be a combination of a common physical “mom” thing and a psychological effect of different religious views.

I will continue to pray for his conversion and for the desire to be intimate with my husband.


#8

Does your dh know that the latex isn’t helping matters? With holding part of himself is making him less attractive.

You don’t have to be in the mood to go ahead and be intimate.
—KCT


#9

Hi there.

I am a husband of a lovely woman, we have a 22 month old son and another one due soon.

I suffer from a lack of intimacy with my wife. Her drive is basically non existent. We are intimate on average approx once every 2 months (even before she got pregnant). I say this so that you realise that I understand.

It’s a really tough situation. For married men, it’s very important to be intimate with their wives.
Love and intimacy can take many forms, (Ref Book - The five Love Languages) but usually for most men, the way to show your love and affection for them in through physical sexual intimacy.

I can’t offer a solution to your problem, but I can let you in on my feelings and thoughts on my situation.
From my perspective into my own marriage:
I know that my wife loves me dearly, she says it often, and treats me real nice, but most of the times I need her to show me that she loves me. It really is a craving that I have. It’s not a craving for sex in itself, but for sex with her, her love, her acceptance. I also feel very strongly the need to express my love towards her, and the best way I know how is through intimacy. What better and more personal and special way is there to show your wife you love her and only her?
Not having been intimate with my wife for a long time does hurt my ego at times.

I commend you for realizing that there is a problem, and seeking help. Maybe a catholic councillor would help, I don’t know. I have been told to seek one out, but have yet to be successful in that endeavour.
Apparently council ling could be done for you alone, and your husband doesn’t need to be there. Maybe this is a good place to start, individual catholic council ling?

I’ll pray for you and that your husband will be sensitive to the issue and also for his conversion.

Sorry I can’t tell you more. I’ll do some thinking and be back with more thoughts if I’m able.

In Christ,
PM.


#10

A lack of a sex drive is usually a symptom of a deeper problem. If the doctor says there is nothing physically wrong with you, then you know that you are dealing with the exhaustion that comes from being a SAHM. (Yes, it’s a luxury to stay at home with them, but being on-call 24/7 is mentally and emotionally draining. You are living at your “office” and there is always something to do wherever you sit down, so it’s hard to relax.)

And I get the sense here that you feel you are doing alot of the heavy lifting in this marriage. He is not helping you spiritually. And let’s face it, when his attitude toward a possible pregnancy is so negative, it creates a reluctance in you to want to have relations with him.

I would suggest you learn your cycle. Take your temps. And then follow the NFP rules (even though he is using a condom.) That might make you feel like you are at least trying to live in the light of Church teaching. And maybe absence will make the heart grow fonder. The periodic abstinence with that may improve things between you two.

But maybe with kids that age, by the time you go to bed at night, you have been touched, poked, grabbed, prodded, pushed, climbed on, clung to, squeezed, hugged, jumped on and everything else, to the point you are literally numb and want to reclaim your body as a touch-free zone.

Sometimes husbands get home from a long day at work and they are now in “zone time” and are relaxing and don’t realize your work day won’t end for several more hours. You are just as exhausted as they are, and they are sitting around waiting for you to wait on them. That can cause a very subtle anger that manifests itself in other ways… like a lack of sexual desire.

Sounds like you need to have a very clear and long conversation with DH and discuss this issue in a non-confrontational and sensitive way. There seems to be more than one ‘barrier’ between you.

Good luck!


#11

My reply is really just to focus on how you can try to gain some desire back, it isn’t about how his insistance on using condoms may be contributing.

The more you have sex, the more you want it. At least I’ve gotten that from things I’ve read and it is true for me, and a number of my friends. So if you can make the effort to try to make sex a priority consistantly, you will likely feel the desire more.
To get you to make the effort, try to think of it like this, have you ever not been in the mood, but gone ahead and done it? When you did, were you thinking that was awful, I sure wish we hadn’t had sex? Or after you began were you more into it?
Try relaxing at night. After the kids are in bed, don’t clean up after the day, just relax. Have a glass of wine, light a couple of candles, have a bath. Have hubby join you in the relaxation. This is time for the two of you to reconnect, to help you shift from mom mode to wife mode. Have him give you a back rub.

This problem is not at all uncommon. I think it is great that you are willing to look into it at all, a lot of women think it is the man being unreasonable, and dismiss the idea of trying to be intimate more often. That being said, your husband, and all husbands, need to be understanding. It isn’t the wife’s desire to make the man feel unwated, it is an unitended consequence though.
Hope that helps.


#12

The following is an excerpt from the document found here: ewtn.com/library/MARRIAGE/MORMAR.TXT:

[size=]The principle is this: whenever either the husband or the wife
seriously and reasonably asks for the marriage due the other is
bound to render it. Reasonably asks: no one in marriage engages
to become a convenience for another’s passion; neither must force
their every wish on the other; they are equal and, particularly
as regards the marriage act, have the same rights. It is most
desirable that the action should be mutual. This will not be too
difficult if the two love one another in a human way and are
ready to be considerate and make sacrifices, if each tries to
serve the other, and if it is realized that for their happiness
together the act should be the comfort and content of both.

There are exceptions to the obligation of rendering the marriage
due. A married person is not strictly bound to grant it if the
other has been unfaithful to the extent of adultery. Normal
relations are only re-established by the generous forgiveness of
the injured party. There is no obligation if there is a danger of
the infection of disease. Or if the request is unreasonable, if
it be under conditions that are genuinely harmful and
distressing, then it may be refused. This particularly affects
the woman; she has not promised to be the man’s slave, but the
sharer of his human life, of his control as well as of his ease.
It is commonly held that a woman to whom pregnancy would be fatal
or highly dangerous is not bound to render the due; the request
for it would be unreasonable. Finally, there is no obligation of
granting it, rather the reverse, if it is going to be abused by
the sin of onanism
.[/size]

I think that the condoms may be contributing to your lack of desire. You are not culpable for your husband’s sin, but you also are not obligated to participate. You are perfectly within your rights to tell your husband you will no longer participate in contracepted sex.


#13

I hope I won’t overstep bounds being quite frank with you…

I even left the computer and thought about your “problem” a bit before posting this, meaning I really THOUGHT about it. I tried to put myself in your shoes, remembering what certain things you mentioned felt like to ME, and how we – as a married couple – and myself, overcame it.

This really comes down to more about how you feel in your marriage, including how your DH makes you feel by his comments and actions, than it does a simple libido issue. This is not necessarily your fault.

Here is what I mean: the condoms – do they make you feel “cheap” when he uses them? Do you feel like a piece of meat, or even a prostitute or a one-night-stand when he does use them? Does the mere idea of sex with a condom completely gross you out? (I know it did me, and there were a FEW times in our marriage my DH wanted to use them – before he was catholic.) I am just thinking of those few times we did use them and I felt that way…it was so wrong. Ewwwwwwww…the smell of latex alone completely turned me off! Much less the stopping of a passionate moment to unroll the stinky things completely and totally - well I already said it. TURNED OFF. And cheap. I should NEVER feel cheap in marital relations. That ended THAT.

I can completely understand why you wouldn’t want anything to do with a man in a condom: husband or not.

Furthermore, I commend you on seeking help for “your” problem, but I don’t think it’s your problem alone. If you don’t have a willing partner in all arenas of life, sex is going to be one of the first to go.

You can read “The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage” by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. Read it together! DH and I have a great marriage, but we really learned alot about each other reading from that book. Result: even greater marriage!

I think the other areas of life: including comments like “Oh GOOD – you aren’t pregnant” being curbed will help you both be closer to each other AND God.

Really, while you DO burden yourself with your own responsibilities about lack of sex-drive, your DH is going to have to face his contributing factor as well. And deal with it. Work with you to FIX it. Working together, him being Catholic or not is what it comes down to. If he’s not willing to work with you, then he’s not willing to receive the typical bonus perks a married man gets. Like regular sex. You two need to talk. Period.

God Bless, prayers with you.


#14

A weekend out just the two of you…champagne, candles, bubble bath in a hot tub/jakuzie (however you spell that… LOL!!)…sure to get you in a very very very romantic mood. :smiley:

About him not being open to having more children, there should be more communication between both of you about that. You should tell him how you feel about that. Talk to a priest.


#15

I’m sorry to hear that. I think that it’s no uncommon, once kids are born, for women to feel so pulled in different directions, that they cannot concentrate on intimacy with their spouses. This would just be a temporary remedy, but maybe arrange a one night get away with your husband, to have some quiet time together…and see if that helps. In reading your situation, I wonder if the fact that he views wearing condoms as a normal part of the process, if that in some way, turns you off…because he is not on the same page, so to speak, as you. Women’s brains are very much sexual organs! If we are not aroused through our brains, it will be hard to be aroused…elsewhere. I think that perhaps you’re not wanting to compromise your religious beliefs, (good for you!) might lend to you’re not wanting to become intimate, because then you have to face those vast differences between you and your dh. I would discuss this with him…as talking can only help. If not, then maybe seek couples counseling…but, I have a strong feeling, it is related to his wanting to use condoms, and you’re not wanting to, that is at the core. I will pray for you.


#16

Hi,

I just wanted to reassure you that this is pretty common after you have babies. I went through this too. It was a combination of being tired, not feeling sexual because I was a Mom now and also I think that I had some anger at my husband for not engaging enough with the children when they were little. Now, that all changed and it just gets better when the kids are all grown up and moved out. I remember that I just tried my hardest to be intimate with my husband during that time even if it was just a quickie in the am after we were rested. We also took lots of short get aways without the kids and that really got me more in the mood. Also try to buy something fun and sexy to make you feel more like a wife. I Hope this helps. Hang in there.


#17

[quote="PennitentMan, post:9, topic:85937"]
Hi there.

I am a husband of a lovely woman, we have a 22 month old son and another one due soon.

I suffer from a lack of intimacy with my wife. Her drive is basically non existent. We are intimate on average approx once every 2 months (even before she got pregnant). I say this so that you realise that I understand.

It's a really tough situation. For married men, it's very important to be intimate with their wives.
Love and intimacy can take many forms, (Ref Book - The five Love Languages) but usually for most men, the way to show your love and affection for them in through physical sexual intimacy.

I can't offer a solution to your problem, but I can let you in on my feelings and thoughts on my situation.
From my perspective into my own marriage:
I know that my wife loves me dearly, she says it often, and treats me real nice, but most of the times I need her to show me that she loves me. It really is a craving that I have. It's not a craving for sex in itself, but for sex with her, her love, her acceptance. I also feel very strongly the need to express my love towards her, and the best way I know how is through intimacy. What better and more personal and special way is there to show your wife you love her and only her?
Not having been intimate with my wife for a long time does hurt my ego at times.

I commend you for realizing that there is a problem, and seeking help. Maybe a catholic councillor would help, I don't know. I have been told to seek one out, but have yet to be successful in that endeavour.
Apparently council ling could be done for you alone, and your husband doesn't need to be there. Maybe this is a good place to start, individual catholic council ling?

I'll pray for you and that your husband will be sensitive to the issue and also for his conversion.

Sorry I can't tell you more. I'll do some thinking and be back with more thoughts if I'm able.

In Christ,
PM.

[/quote]

Yo Pennitantman.... I'm in like the same situation you have been. My wife said I had nothing to worry about in the sexual relationship department before we married. I asked because I knew I struggled with self control and anxiety that I need help in this sex dept to get to heaven. I thought marriage is the cure for concupiscence and she will help me out but she doesn't give willingly. I had her read the catholic thing that said a wife is to give when reasonably asked. I read also that I can offer it up when temptation comes and get graces when she refuses. And the other answer is to get marriage counseling which I can't afford. To make it worse she complains I'm a marathon man and now she's already tired with a baby whom was like an immaculate conception. So did your problem get resolved? I heard when she gets older her drive will get stronger. It's my only hope


#18

[quote="Catholicwife77, post:1, topic:85937"]
Hi.

This is my first time posting a thread. :o

I've been married a little over three years and have an almost 4 year old daughter and a son who'll turn 2 in a few days.

I do not feel the "urge" to be intimate with my husband. I haven't felt the urge for a loooong time. At first I thought it was because I was pregnant with my son (hormones!). Then after he was born, I thought it was because I was nursing (until he was around 19 months). But I stopped nursing 5 months ago.

I have an appointment to see our family doctor in 2 weeks. I don't know if this is a physical problem or a mental problem. I suspect both.

My husband is not a practicing Catholic (he was raised Catholic, but fell away). He is not open to having more kids. He insists on using condoms. I still love him, but it's difficult.

This is hard for me to write such intimate details about my life. I am very private and shy about these issues. But I also want to feel something for my husband, so I'm writing this thread.

It scares me and makes me mad that I don't want to make love with him.

Okay. I guess that's all I will write for now.
I will thank you in advance for any advice!!

[/quote]

Please don't be embarrassed. While I certainly don't mean to belittle your issues, it may help you to know that these are very common problems, among Catholics and non-Catholics alike.

Please, see a doctor and make certain that there is nothing physically wrong. PROBABLY there is not, and the lack of libido is due to the normal stresses of children and marriage.

Assuming there is not, tell your husband the issue, explain that this is a common issue, and together you should see a counselor who specializes in these issues. To resolve the issue, it is best addressed by you and your husband together.

Prayers are with you.


#19

This is a common situation and is widely discussed. Many men comment on the dynamics of this at various non-Catholic blogs and there are answers. I suggest checking out some of the blogs listed on the recent Top 100 Blogs, because this is typically NOT primarily a physical issue.


#20

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