Nobody wants me as a boyfriend...thoughts?


#1

As of spring I’ll have been (unhappily) single for six years and it’s really taking a toll on me. As college winds down and my other Catholic friends are either prepping for marriage or likely to get married soon after I find myself single and alone and depressed because of it.

What bothers me is that I continually try to get women to consider me as a potential mate but I get turned down or ignored or I get the very common “Well you’re a nice guy but [insert excuse here]” line. It seems that women have no problem having me as a friend but never want anything more than that.

What also bothers me is my “lack of magnetism” as I see it. Some guys are so magnetic and likable that women flock to them the moment they want into a room - and I am certainly not that guy. If anything I’d be the guy sitting in a corner being ignored or the guy who was chatting with some lady only for her to abandon me for the magnetic guy that just walked into the room. Sometimes it seems that I’m more of an annoyance to people rather than being a welcome guest.

It really saddens me that I can’t find anyone or that nobody is interested in me. I do want to marry, share my life and love with someone, create a family, and yet nobody wants my gift. They’d rather pass me up and accept the gift from somebody else. I try to console myself by remembering that perhaps I need more spiritual formation or I need to grow closer to Christ or something…but I’m still left with the depressing reality that I am unwanted and undesired. What’s so bad about me? What’s so bad about the gifts I want to share with others? Are they not good enough or something? :frowning:

I mean, yes, I have a strange, weird, and (as friends state) sometimes creepy personality and sense of humor but that’s who I am. And yes I understand I’m not the most terribly attractive individual but are looks so important to women that they would turn a guy down solely on those grounds? What is especially bothersome for me right now is this girl I really like but who I feel (and others feel also) isn’t terribly interested in me. She wants what I want: to get married young and start a young family. And yet, according to friends, she’s running around chasing all these guys while here I am, ready to go, waiting for her to turn and look. And yet she’s not…

So I don’t know what to do. It’s hard to be positive about anything since I tend towards pessimism but I don’t foresee any relief anytime soon if at all.


#2

People are not attracted to pessimists.

Find something you love, a cause that excites you - get very involved the prolife group or in Catechetical ministry or choir or a prayer group something where you will meet fellow Catholics who share your passion.

Cultivate joy!


#3

Hi there.

I feel your pain. Been there, done that, got the college diploma.

But, unlike myself long ago, you are Catholic, and know that you’re never alone. Unfortunately, God is not particularly accessible to call over for gaming or to talk face-to-face, per se.

One thing I can tell from your post is that you are rational about your situation and quite intelligent. You are also resistant to using the clipped lingo of lolspeak or text-speak, showing that you want people to see you formally and as an adult, not a kid.

One suggestion out of the boatload you are about to receive here is to continue to join groups and associations where other women also share interests with you. Once you hit the streets, the artificial social world of college evaporates and it is important to keep links to non-work activities. Church groups can help, and I’ll even point to Facebook as a way to keep attachments to friends as they go their ways.

But don’t bury yourself behind a computer. Definitely join clubs and groups and keep yourself visible out there. And, man to man…it is important never to “play your whole tape” about your life. Honesty is good, but total disclosure is, uh, weird. :confused:

Good luck!


#4

I know this is a Catholic site and it’s not acceptable but I would recommend you to go out. go to a bar or club (not a strip club, just find a place to go dance!) I met my husband at one. my friend and I (both christian, her baptst, me Catholic) went out to learn to line dance of all things, on “ladies night” (women pay a small fee at the door and all your drinks are free). you don’t have to go for the drunk or slutty girls, there are plenty in jeans and a t-shirt, like we were, just there for fun or to meet people (neither of us knew people in the area). it’s a laid back atmosphere where you can go talk to girls, relax, get confident, play a little pool, maybe even find a date or a dancing partner! those people who go home for one nighters have given “going out” a bad name, it doesn’t have to be that way.

Also, I’d suggest looking online. there are Catholic and other Christian dating sites. friends of mine have had luck with that. don’t limit yourself to someone in your town. My husband and I lived 3 hours apart the first year, and on different continents the next. it make’s you closer if all you can do is talk and write, IMHO.

don’t get down on yourself, there’s someone out there meant for you, you just might have to get a little more creative to find them.

and just as a side note, you say your personality is sometimes “creepy”… this is a real deal breaker with girls, you may want to address that and work on it. I’m not quite sure what you are referring to, but if it’s a personality trait, it’ll be a hard habit to break but probably worth it. nice girls don’t like “creepy.”

good luck! :thumbsup:


#5

Since you seem quite capable of remaining single, it appears God prefers you for the religious life, or to remain celibate for life.

God has made it clear as a general rule, it is preferable to be celibate for life, and that greater Heavenly rewards are given for doing so.


#6

This is what I find attractive in men:

Happiness -men who smile
Confidence - men who can walk about confidently, talk confidently, act with confidence
Humor
Charm
Faith

One thing that stands out from your posts - you describe yourself as creepy?
:confused::confused::confused:


#7

[quote="Shin, post:5, topic:180062"]
Since you seem quite capable of remaining single, it appears God prefers you for the religious life, or to remain celibate for life.

God has made it clear as a general rule, it is preferable to be celibate for life, and that greater Heavenly rewards are given for doing so.

[/quote]

But after speaking to a friend and my spiritual director I do not think this is the case for me. I feel much more drawn to marriage. And I really do not want the religious life or single life anyway.


#8

My friends say that I have a creepy sense of humor.


#9

[quote="Shin, post:5, topic:180062"]
Since you seem quite capable of remaining single, it appears God prefers you for the religious life, or to remain celibate for life.

God has made it clear as a general rule, it is preferable to be celibate for life, and that greater Heavenly rewards are given for doing so.

[/quote]

I can’t believe someone actually wrote this. “Quite capable”?! Um, I believe it’s more like “quite miserable.” Obviously your vocation IS marriage – don’t ever let anyone tell you otherwise. Shin apparently wants the entire world population to die out because according to him, everyone’s vocation is religious life. And as a miserable single myself, I HATE it when people tell me I should be a nun. Just because I’m female, devout and Catholic does not make me a nun!

I can tell you will be an awesome, holy husband and father someday. The Church needs more people like you, seriously.

Aside from getting involved in social groups of people your age (like everyone else said), I am not sure what to tell you. You could try Catholicmatch.com, and pray to St. Raphael, because he is the patron saint of matchmaking, so to speak. :)

Know that I share your pain, however. I’m 19, never been on a date, never had a boyfriend, got rejected by three people. It hurts. So I completely understand and I will pray for you.


#10

Start by acting pleasant toward more woman and telling them hello. Make it a point to smile and say hello to a woman every day. You can also increase your attractiveness by exercising, having a good attitude, and not being "creepy". Also, staying in your league or a little below it helps out a lot. If you look like Michael Moore I don't think you will have much success chasing after supermodels.


#11

OK - zooming in on the creepy…your friend says that about you? :confused::confused::confused:

Anyway you can ditch the creepy and replace with energetic and funny sense of humor?


#12

I guess I don’t understand that aspect. Now I LOVE good humor - BITING humor, even… but creepy? What’s that like? :shrug:

I agree with what others have mentioned - GET OUT! Get involved in something that excites you and makes you HAPPY on your own. If the only thing that makes you excited is the prospect of getting married and having a family (which isn’t a bad thing) it may give off the appearance of being *needy *or clingy.
What do you ENJOY?
What do you like to do?
What causes are you interested in? (pro-life?, religious ed?, politics?)
Find a group and make some connections! :thumbsup:


#13

Look - LotusCarsLtd, this is what I think. God has a plan for everyone.

You sound like a good and loving person. College age women are a difficult crowd. We can be a superficial bunch. I believe I was at that age. But at some point women mature and realize that good men don't always have blondhair. dimples, and play football.

You sound like you need a mautre women who can look past the superficial. Someone who is comfortable with her own wacky personality.
I think you are filled with faith and goodness but women your age don't see you/get you/ respond to you.

Heck, if people find you as a great friend, it's only a matter of God's timing that some gal will find you completely appealing for a husband as well.

Take this time to devote yourself to God and being the man he needs you to be -in order to draw that special woman He has in mind for you. Often, I absolutely believe, God needs the time to mold us for that person.

Pray and work on your relationship with God for now. The positives....God is honestly blessing you with this time. USE IT!!!!


#14

Just wondering what people say makes you weird of have a strange sense of humour. Some examples perhaps? Sometimes the way you approach a person can have an effect on your success. Sure you are who you are, but being aware of certain things might change someone else's outlook...

You say you are at the end of your college years. Why the hurry to get married? You sound like you are young! I am guessing under 25? Enjoy your freedom. I am sure this isn't what you want to hear, but you are at the age where you are still discovering who you are and what you want career wise. Have you started a career yet? Do you want one? Do you want to travel? Once you do these things for yourself, you will learn more about yourself and more of what you are looking for in a life partner/wife.

I know it sucks to be lonely. I will pray for you.


#15

I feel your pain. I went for a 7 year stretch of no one in my life and it was very lonely. AND I was one of those women who would walk in a room and turn heads, so looks really doesn’t have much to do with it. It’s about finding someone who is a right fit for YOU.

I know it’s cliche, but just go out and have fun doing what you find interesting. If nightclubs depress you, don’t go. It bars get you down, don’t go.

I joined a ski club one winter and I had a blast going on weekend trips and weekly day ski trips. I made a ton of friends and while I didn’t meet my husband, I had a blast doing it.

Of all places, I met my husband when I invited a bunch of people over for NYE and my friend asked me if he could bring his friend with him…it was my future husband :slight_smile:

You just never know when or where it will happen, but with just keep a good attitude about it b/c negativity chases people away. People are drawn to happy people. Laughter is contageous…be that “happy guy” and at least you’ll have a much better time of it.

You’ll meet someone eventually…keep praying and visualize the mate you want and visualize that person coming into your life. Meditate on it before you go to bed. I did that and met my husband 3 months later. They say the power of pray and visualization is quite magical…:thumbsup:


#16

I had been looking for “Mr. Right” since I was fifteen. Seriously! I was that certain that I was supposed to get married. I didn’t find him until 7 years later, and we have been married almost four years now, but I went through a whole lot of discernment and heartaches before then. Dating failures, vocation discernment, college, the works. So please don’t loose hope. If your vocation is to marriage, then you will find her. I would suggest hanging out in those places where good Catholics/Christians hang out. Those are the kind of girls you’d want to marry anyways, right? Also, many girls are shy, they really are. You might have to try more than once if you find a girl you really like. Praying for you today. I know how hard it is.


#17

Perhaps. But what does God want for you?

Often what we want is not what God wants, and we suffer until we align our will with His.

At the very least, right now, He does not have anyone for you, and you should align you will with His to be without, and happily so, until if ever that changes. :slight_smile:


#18

Lotus, the label of “Creeper” is bad news. My best advice is to “cool it”. Do you come on too strong to your female friends? Take it slow, become good friends first. Work on identifying things that make you socially awkward and try to resolve those issues. You sound like a very nice and sincere person, I’m sure with some minor self improvement you will be able to find someone who reciprocates your feelings. Also, if there is a girl who clearly doesn’t reciprocate, feel lucky that you have found out so soon and you can now continue meeting new people.

Also, don’t listen to people who try to tell you that because you haven’t found a spouse yet that your vocation is automatically the single or religious life. That may or may not be true. If you are in your mid twenties you have a lot of time left to figure it out.

Good luck, brother.


#19

[quote="Shin, post:5, topic:180062"]
Since you seem quite capable of remaining single, it appears God prefers you for the religious life, or to remain celibate for life.

God has made it clear as a general rule, it is preferable to be celibate for life, and that greater Heavenly rewards are given for doing so.

[/quote]

Shin, this is in no way helpful. You haven't the first idea what God actually wants for this young man; he is clearly miserable "single" and that is NOT what the Church needs or wants in her priests.

Your skewed theology only confuses people who are searching.


#20

Frankly, I don’t regard someone as psychologically healthy or fit for a relationship who is a cripple without one.

I am not saying that is the case here at all, but simply generally.

And to make the point one has to be able to be able to live freely and happily where one is and be very careful not to be sucked into the idea one cannot be happy without one thing or another.

Love between two people is healthiest when it is freely given, not when it is a response some sort of interior hole in your life, which is a very bad thing to indulge.

The world gives you the idea that romantic events between men and women solve all sorts of problems including interior ones. They don’t. It’s just the consumer message raised to the highest power.

Interior peace with God where you are at, is what God desires for people.


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