Not a blissfully happy newlywed :(


#1

Whats wrong with me?

My now husband and I are were married in a catholic church (very traditional), learned NFP, did the required marriage classes, I lived with my parents before wedding night, but something is horribly wrong with our picture. We are not blissfully happy. Literally, when the honeymoon ended something in us broke. We are practicing Roman Catholics and have been so our whole lives. We love each other but now that we have consumated we are no longer happy, or as nice to one another. I do not desire intimacy, whereas before marriage I longed for it.

Now there is an aspect of our marriage which already has me stressed out beyond belief. That is, I would be doing most, if not all of the providing while he begins medical school. I dont think I ever dreamt it could be this difficult. The most difficult part is that I feel like I fooled myself that I was strong enough to do this. Now I find myself thinking, I cant get pregnant, I CANT GET PREGNANT! In doing this have myself convinced that I do not want to be intimate at all with my husband and am probably in the vast minority of women not on some form of birth control.

Maybe we just need a whole lot of prayers. Maybe you all have some advice on how to fix, or make this work. I feel like something terrible has happened to us.

I am praying a rosary every night.


#2

marriagebliss - I think that you are just overwhelmed. Are you a young bride?
I got married at 23 and I admit, at first, I was terrified that I might become pregnant. I thought of being pregnant as aliens taking over my body! My husband had his own worries about being a good enough provider. We soildered on with NFP and two years later we still have not had a baby but something has changed in both of our hearts and we have a much more relaxed attitude towards the idea of a baby popping up in our lives anytime. In fact, we often discuss throwing NPF to the wind and just letting things happen as they may.
It is scary to be a newlywed no matter how prepared we think we are; especially for me because I was so cushioned by my parents before I got married. I lived home and was a bit spoiled by them… it can be a wake up call when you are own your own. Though you are never on your own, God is always there.
As far as being intimate… take it slow, there is no rush, you are going to be married the rest of your life. You should enjoy it, and if you are stressed and scared, you won’t enjoy it and you may sow some deep rooted negative feelings that will chase you the rest of your marriage. Spend a lot of time talking about this with your husband so that does not happen. Know that you are not alone, many of us have these feelings. Also, this is just one of thousands of hurdles you and your husband will encounter in your married life, cling together now and start coping in a way that brings you closer…that is the nature of marriage.


#3

marriagebliss,

You should not be facing these feelings / anxiety alone. A balck and white solution may not happen right off the bat, but it is vital to sit with your husband and at least let him know how you feel, express your feelings and help him enter into your world. Guys are not automatic with sensing emotions of the opposite sex, you may need to guide him in this and you may be surprised at his lack of knowing. Men think/problem solve differently than females, they are solution orientated. You may start opening up your feelings to him and he may immediately jump in and try to solve things. It is always beneficial for a man to understand that woman don’t always share their feelings in order for someone to jump in and solve all their problems, the sharing and expression of what you are going through is a solution in its own right especially when it is clearly communicated to your spouse and conveyed with out him jumping in and rushing to an immediate solution.

I have heard this book recommended by a newlywed and how it helped her understand and relate to her husband and married life in general:

The Privilege of Being a Woman
by Alice von Hildebrand

Essentially, you and your husband need to be on the same page. The love shared between you should not be the cause of so much anxiety - God did not design married love to be like that. Taking another NFP course or becoming more educated on the topic especially with other newlywed couples also in your boat may be a great way to approach the fear of NFP. Remember: artificial birth control, especially chemical contraceptives are never a solution, let alone a good solution. The CD contraception Why Not, by Janet E. Smith is great in illuminating evil of contraception - if anything this would damage your marriage more and make you and your husband more distant.

You are now one blood, don’t be afraid of bearing your cross side by side with your husband for God, this will make you marriage stronger than you could ever know.

God Bless, you both will be in my prayers - Joyful Mystery today :slight_smile:


#4

(((HUGS))) and prayers for your situation. As a WORKING mother of 3, I completely understand the stress. We’ve used NFP on and off throughout our marriage to space our children - it’s tough, and something that requires DAILY prayer - especially when you feel disconnected from intimacy…
Marriage is a roller coaster of highs and lows - the highs are never appreciated unless you’ve had the lowest lows and stuck it out.
Continue to pray - even (and especially) when you don’t feel that “spiritual high”… it’s so hard, I know.
Keep up those rosaries and throw in some novenas…


#5

Maybe we just need a whole lot of prayers.

Just be careful what you want. God might give you a whole lot of babies :wink:


#6

“Blissfully happy” is what I would consider an unrealistic expectation, particularly for that first year of marriage where adjusting to a new way of life brings all kinds of challenges. You are living with another person who has different habits and ways of doing things that you are not used to, especially if you have never lived with anyone but your own family all your life.

There could also be a case of the post-wedding blues. All that planning and anticipation for the big day and the honeymoon…and now it’s back to reality and learning to live with your spouse. Sexual intimacy is nothing like the movies and magazines make it either, especially when you are new to it. It takes time to learn how to have great sex, to learn about each other in that way. So it can be disappointing if you were expecting to hear some grand violins and mind-blowing passion from the start. It doesn’t usually happen that way except in movies.

As for NFP, you have to have complete trust in God and your husband. That is hard, especially when you will be the wage earner over the next few years. Just remember, this is a temporary situation and that you have set a long term goal for yourselves.

Time will take care of all of this. For now, I would suggest living for today and not worrying about tomorrow and the “what ifs”. You can’t do anything about tomorrow anyways and any ‘what ifs’ that might happen. Living one day at a time, doing what needs to be done today to achieve your goals, is really the only way you can live with any kind of peace.


#7

It sounds to me as though you are just overwhelmed as well. Being new to marriage can do that to you, especially when you have all the financial pressures that you have.

How long have you two been married?

Prayers!


#8

When the pink fluffy clouds of wedding planning are past, then, you see the reality of life. It is not like the movies, marriage takes work.

Pray, breathe, do not set unrealistic expectations.


#9

Many others will have more useful, practical suggestions than I.

Reading your post I had one persistent thought: Put your life, all of it, in God’s hands. He’s your dad. He KNOWS exactly what is best for you. He knows what He has planned for you. Once you surrender control, you will again feel peace.

Try not to be afraid of pregnancy and babies. You may have one/some in the future. Ask any of your friends/relatives with babies to look at that baby and consider what life would be like if they had been using NFP or birth control that month. I doubt you’ll find a good parent who wouldn’t shudder at the notion of that baby having never existed.

Is it sometimes a challenge? Sure. I’ve heard it said that if people all waited until they “could afford to have children” the human race would cease to exist.

Of course, none of that matters if you surrender control to God. If you put the One who KNOWS in control, there is little to worry about.


#10

I honestly think, and I think many would agree, that the first year of married life is pretty much the worst and hardest. You are not the first newly married woman to feel this way. Think about it, you just joined halves eternally with another human being of the opposite sex. You’re getting to know each other and yourselves in ways that are going to surprise you and maybe make you uncomfortable. I don’t think feeling less than bliss is anything too unusual or unheard of. Just communicate this, talk it through with your husband and get in the habit if you’re not already of praying together daily. This is just one part of the whole long journey of your married life. This too shall pass.


#11

Bit of clarification here, you have just joined in a sacramental union through which two human bodies become one flesh in a union that lasts until death.


#12

I meant to say that:D


#13

As an outsider just reading this post, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you. You mention that you’ll be doing most if not all of the “providing” while your husband begins medical school. Medical school takes a long time…a certain number of years, right? This is a radical suggestion, but maybe you can talk to you husband about changing/modifying your plans? Being a provider is a fundamental part of being a man, and a husband. This can take different forms in different marriages, but any way you look at it, this marriage set-up doesn’t look balanced to me.

I’m guessing that that’s why you feel so anxious and unhappy and afraid of the most natural things in the world in a marriage (intimacy, pregnancy…) Unrealistic expectations aside, your plans seem a lot like the plans of single people. I think you should start to really live your marriage now. Your husband needs to get a job and start providing for you. Maybe he can pursue a career in medicine part-time. Someone else asked if you were young newlyweds? My fiance read your OP and suggested that he put off medical school completely for 2-3 years or so while the two of you work on building your relationship and a home for your future kids. You really can’t be expected to carry all this burden on your own.

I’ll pray for you both. God bless!


#14

Does your husband know you are feeling very stressed about the possibility of pregnancy, and supporting the two of you through medical school. If not, you should let him know. Not in an angry way or expecting him to “fix” it, but just to tell him that you are feeling overwhelmed.

I am guessing you had a plan about how you were going to manage for the few years until he is working. Do you think, if pregnancy was not an issue at all (say you were infertile), you would be worried to the same degree? It seems to me there are two parts to your worry - being the only breadwinner for a while, and then the possibility of pregnancy.

Remember, any time there is one breadwinner, there is the possibility that could be derailed. Being laid off, an accident, whatever - this can happen when the man is the one working too. I think a lot of husbands find it quite stressful. But it is always a good idea to talk about what you would do if things don’t go according to plan. Think about how simply you can possibly live now to be able to save. Could family help out in a crisis? And, if worse came to worse, your husband could leave medical school. Not the greatest option, but you would not be left starving in the streets. That is part of what it means to be married.

As far as pregnancy, it is always a possibility, even with ABC. I think some of the fear with NFP comes with the elements of judgement. With ABC you take a pill every day or open a condom, and then the technology is responsible and you can forget about it. With NFP you are thinking - did I interpret this correctly? Maybe I was mistaken or not paying attention? It seems more stressful. But really, with either form of avoiding pregnancy, in the end you have to trust that it will probably work.

Also, as a pp mentioned, sex takes a while to get comfortable with. Someone told me once that it takes 2 years to get really comfortable and “good” at it. I think that is probably about right.

But being open with your husband about your feelings is really important in a situation where you feel overwhelmed. Otherwise he may misunderstand and think something totally different is the problem.


#15

Find out whether or not the two of you are ready for children first. If so, tell yout husband what you are going through. Otherwise the stress will just keep building between the two of you until an emotional blowup occurs. And you’re in the middle of an argument and considering divorce!


#16

Hugs to you!!! You have received a lot of good advice. I agree that I think you are currently feeling overwhelmed and it is totally natural, especially since you know that you will be the main provider while your husband is in medical school. I think the main thing that you are doing - praying - is so important and just trusting in what God has planned for the two of you.

My parents were in a similar situation and I will share it with you with the hopes to see that you are not alone in this. When they married, my father was 23 and had recently graduated as a pharmacist a year earlier. My mother was 26 and was a nurse. They were both practicing Catholics as well. Not long into their marriage, my parents had a heart-to-heart. My father was not happy with his choice of profession. He had always considered medicine (and my dad is actually an incredibly wonderful, caring, knowledgable and conscientious internist - one of the best and is considered my many as one of the most down-to-earth doctors people know) but he was hesitant to pursue it because he knew my mother used to always say she never wanted to be married to a doctor mainly because of the long hours a good doctor has to put in.

All that said, my mother also saw and realized that medicine was truly my father’s calling by God. After much discussion and thought, she encouraged him to attend medical school and was 100% behind him. They both knew it was going to be difficult. She was to be the main provider for a while until he graduated from medical school and started his internship and residency. And my father, with his “German work ethic” inherited from my grandfather, as my mother calls it, used to moonlight as a pharmacist while he was in school to help with some of the bills. She would help keep him up at night with his studies and they would work together to make everything happen. During his years at medical school, despite the financial difficulties, they tried very hard to get pregnant, but nothing, and it really depressed my mother to not be able to have children for so many years.

Life definitely wasn’t a bed of roses for them. At the same time, what kept them going was their love and commitment for each other. I know that sounds cliched, but it is true for them. There was also a light at the end of the tunnel, knowing that after his schooling and additional training, he’d be able to provide for them both and for a family.

As God would have it, my parents got pregnant with me just a couple months of my father’s graduation from medical school. It was truly perfect timing and they credit God for it, as they realized it had to fall within His hands. Nothing else explained why they couldn’t get pregnant beforehand.

I think, in your situation, I can understand why you would feel very hesitant about being intimate with your husband. But you do know NFP which is a huge plus for the both of you. I would say that if this is truly your husband’s calling to do God’s work in the medical profession, try to be as supportive and encouraging with this. And trust in Him. I just know from my family’s experience and even from my own, whenever I trusted in Him and worked hard to not be overwhelmed and stressed, things almost always worked out just right. God bless you!!!


#17

I’m going to be really real here. My hubby and I married sacramentally and were very happy for the first month and then things started falling apart. It came very close to ending in divorce and anullment as it became physical on his side. We are both in counseling both as a couple and individually and have never been happier in our marriage. We have realized this - we started listening to others expectations of us. We are not young either - we are in our 30’s. As we started trying to conform to what others expected as a couple and not what we needed from each other we started to fall apart and resent the other for not being there for our needs. :eek: This can get better. Let me bear witness to that. I love my husband and it was only through the help of God, the Holy Spirit, and the intercession of St Jude and St Joan of Arc that this happenned. Pray a lot. Go to counseling both professional and religious. Stay open minded.

I think my father had the best advice. It is the two of us against anyone who wishes to break us apart. We must remember that and be there for each other first and always. My mother and father have been married 32 years.

We also have a Newly Married Group on this forum you may wish to join. :wink:


#18

I’ve been married to my husband for 27 years and can honestly tell you that there are many,many ups and downs in a marriage. But if you and your husband can be patient with each other and always communicate about your feelings, you’ll be alright.
Our society plays up the idea of romance and perfectly compatible relationships, but these are ideals. A real marriage is based on friendship and shared values and a willingness to give of yourself to help the other person. Of course it’s always nice to throw in some romance!:slight_smile:
But real marriage is an every day existence.
I’ll admit that NFP wasn’t part of our marriage from the beginning but once we came to the realization that to be true Catholics we had to adhere to what was taught by the Church, I prayed and asked the Lord to give me as many children as I could have and still be able to be a good mother to. This might sound confusing, but I really wanted to be the best mother that I could be. I had no idea how many children I could handle and do a good job with. So I left it up to Jesus. And we have 4 children who are the light of my life.
I wish you a joyful marriage. Pray to the Holy Spirit. He will guide you and your husband.


#19

I have to echo this post completely!

Marriagebliss, do you mind if I PM you?

I am a recently-married young woman as well, and for the time being I am pretty much the only provider for my husband. And on top of that, I am unemployed and looking right now! This exact issue has been a source of great stress for me in the past, and through a lot of prayer and discernment of God’s will, I’ve come to some peace and am learning daily how to trust God.

It is scary…it can be scary…but He wants you to TRUST HIM. He has a plan and He will not abandon you.

Every wife probably deals with this deep fear of pregnancy at some point, and it is so easy to think of a million reasons why it would be the end of everything. But we just can’t live like that. That’s not why we were given the gift of the vocation of marriage.

I have this short recording from Pope John Paul II that I go to when I’m feeling how it sounds you are. He is reading from the Bible (I can’t remember what part of the New Testament it is at the moment…one of the Gospels). He is speaking the words of Jesus:

“The advocate, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name will teach you everything and remind you of all I have said to you. The Father sends His Spirit of truth and love into the world, and the Spirit guides us in the ways of peace. Therefore, Do not let your hearts be troubled or afraid. Dear brothers and sisters, the Holy Spirit is with you!”

For some reason, this always comforts me. Jesus wants us to live abundantly, to glory in the love of God! Yes, there are so many concerns that can weigh us down, but if we pick up our crosses and follow Him, TRUSTING HIM with our lives, He will bless us, fill us with His grace, and comfort us through every trial.

Marriage is a journey–it’s not always easy or fun or filled of laughter. But the goal of marriage is to get to heaven, and God draws us to Him even through the hard times, the struggles, and the tears.

God bless you, I will pray for you today.


#20

[quote=I think my father had the best advice. It is the two of us against anyone who wishes to break us apart.
[/QUOTE]

Great quote!

My parents have the same philosophy and they too have been married for many years. You are both on the same team, and you both need to combat those worldly circumstances that life throws your way that seeks to tear you apart.
[/quote]


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