I understand that this is posted about a lot, and I’m really sorry, but some advice would be nice. I understand that not taking the Communion is supposed to hurt. I understand that it’s supposed to make me feel bad. I just don’t know if it’s supposed to make me feel this bad. I cry about it whenever I think about it. Like, bawling my eyes out all the time. The community I’m with is very small, we’re a university parish. I know just about everyone that goes there and just about everyone there is what one would consider a “cradle Catholic”, so I can’t really talk to any of them about it because they can’t relate to how I feel. They always get to take communion. I’m one of the only, if not the only, person there that can’t. It’s definitely noticeable because I’m usually the only one to get a blessing instead so you can hear the difference even if you’re not looking.
It makes me feel like everything I work on is never enough. It makes me feel like no matter how much time I spend reading, or how hard I try to learn everything that I can, God doesn’t love me like He loves everyone else there. I’m not worthy like everyone else. I’m not actually one of His children, I’m just there pretending to be one, but everyone knows I’m not really. While I know He isn’t actually saying this and He never would, this is what it feels like: when everyone else gets communion, God is telling them how much He loves and cares for them, but when I cover my mouth, He’s saying: “Ugh. Not you, though.”
It’s getting harder to come to mass knowing that everyone knows I’m not like “Catholic enough” to take communion. It’s getting harder to pray and feel that He’s listening, or if He is, that He even cares at all. It’s kind of hard to keep getting my eyes swollen from crying when I’m trying to read or pray. Trying to be Catholic means everything to me, I want to live in apartment buildings that are directly attached to a Catholic Church next year. I don’t know. I’m just exhausted from crying. Some advice to make these thoughts go away, assuming they’re not true, and maybe cry a little less would be nice. I can’t do RCIA until this September so I have over a year to wait and I don’t know if I can handle crying like this for that long. Thanks for reading if you read this far. Sorry again if the topic is repetitive, it just has been on my mind for a long time.
(Just to clarify, the community I am in has never made me feel like an “other” because I’m not confirmed. This is coming from my own head, I guess.)