I’m not sure why I’m writing this here. Writing this in a public forum where people seek help would seem to indicate that I have some hope of help for myself. Maybe I do, but I have no idea what could help at this point.
I’m not trying to be dramatic about it, but here’s the deal: I’m a sinner–I know that. I don’t expect that living a good, faithful Catholic life will make me any less of a sinner. But I would expect that there would be some barrier, some moment of pause before sinning that comes from receiving the Sacraments and praying. Well, not for me. I know full well that what I do is wrong, but I do it anyway. I know I can go to Confession and be forgiven, but how can there be any forgiveness when I know–despite an aversion to the sin–that I’m going to do it anyway?
But that’s not the problem, really. I think I’ve finally realized that, well, it’s not that I don’t believe, necessarily. It’s that whether it’s all true or not seems irrelevent. It might be true, it might not. Either way, God created me knowing where I would end up, and based on my life and abilities, it seems pretty certain where I’m going. And even though I don’t KNOW where I’m going to end up, it’s impossible for me to love a silent God who may or may not have created me for a particular location.
It’s an old problem for me. Basically, I can’t summon enough imagination to love a silent, distant God. I want to, and I love the Church, but in the end it’s all speculation. If prayer, receiving the Eucharist and Bible study don’t do “it,” I don’t know what will. I’ve been trying, and I’ve tried “letting go,” but I just feel like I’m knocking on the door to Heaven but I’m really just being an unwelcome stalker. I’m really starting to believe that faith and God’s love are for some people, but not for me. And here’s the really sick thing–part of me almost welcomes the idea of damnation, because at least in Hell I could scream at the being who created me, for creating me.