Not having sex until marriage


#1

Hi

How do you manage not to have sex until marriage, how do you manage to fight off this natural desire for so long?

Hope knowone takes this question the wrong way, its just i’m not catholic and i just wondered.

Thanks
Andy


#2

Been there, done that. I wouldn’t do the wait-until-we’re-married thing again. It puts a lot of stress on the relationship. Sex is a normal part of a healthy relationship, and it seems to me that waiting too long harms the relationship.

This isn’t exactly what you were looking for, but I’m sure numerous people will answer your question more directly.


#3

It helps to know that it isn’t forever. You wait until marriage, so there is a goal a mind. It’s hard when you’re with the person you want to marry, or will marry, but the point is that you’re not married yet.

And there’s the fact that it’s wrong. If one sees sex as a physical manifestation of their wedding vows, I am yours fully until death, you can’t promise that until married. Couples break up, engagements are called off. Yes, divorce does occur, but no good Catholic goes into a marriage seeing divorce as an option. And hopefully most people don’t go into a marriage saying the words ‘until death do us part,’ while wondering how far down the line they’ll be divorced. You lied with your body, is the basic idea.

Along with that sex has the dual meaning of procreation and unity-- most couples who have sex are using contraception, or are really hoping not to get pregnant. Which is taking out half of what sex is supposed to be.

Again, it’s hard. We are programed for certain things. It would be great if there was a switch that turned itself on when we got married, would save a lot of trouble, but it isn’t that easy.

What really helps is knowing you’re also helping the other person. Both are sinning if you have sex, some people don’t care about themselves enough to see it as a problem if they sin. But putting the person you are going to marry in a State of Mortal Sin… that’s a good curb.

Hope you find the answer you’re looking for.
God Bless!


#4

So you are telling the poster not to follow biblical and Church teachings on premarital sex? Did I just read that correctly?:confused:

Benedictus I noticed that you put struggling under the religion section of your profile. If you aren’t Catholic, or even Christian, then you should say so in your post. It will help the posters know where you are coming from and not think that they are getting advice from a religious person.


#5

I’m not telling the poster (or anyone else) what to do or what not to do. I’m merely sharing what I’ve learned through experience and what I would do.


#6

But you should point out that you are not either Catholic nor Christian. Of course, you are welcome to post your experience but it helps the poster to put what you write into perspective.


#7

How do you manage to “fight off” any natural desires that you have throughout your life? I have a “natural desire” to eat chocolate every hour on the hour - but I don’t. I have a “natural desire” to stay in bed long after the alarm goes off - but I don’t. I have a “natural desire” to spend my paycheck every week on fancy girl clothes and 300 hundred dollar shoes - but I don’t.

We are designed, emotionally and spiritually, to mate with one person for life. The moment we aquiesce to our natural desires, we begin to subvert the meaning of love and it’s natural consequence, marriage. Engaging in sexual relationships outside the marital bond erodes every aspect of our humanity and begins to break down the “natural desire” we have to love and trust one other person. Folks who use sex outside of marriage as a means to relieve “stress” or express what they believe they are feeling become coarsened and hardened by repeated attempts to bond and relate intimately with just one person. When failure after failure piles up, we begin to mistrust others and ourselves. We begin to view sex as something separate from committment. We begin to view ourselves as not “good enough” or unlovable. We begin to mistrust our ability to choose partners wisely since our history reveals so many failed attempts at “love”.

Folks who engage in serial sexual relationships before marriage may then come to the possibility of marriage with scars and damages that make it difficult or impossible for a committment to be successful. Contrary to popular belief, people do not “learn” from mistakes accumulated by years of sexual license. Generally, they just accumulate hurt and resentment and continue to make the same mistakes throughout life.


#8

How? The same way one manages not to commit any number of sins: it’s an act of your will.

And, one must train their will through the practice of the virtues.

Again, it is an act of the will. How does one save up for a big purchase, lose weight, pursue a complex career/education, or any other goal? You discipline yourself, you avoid distractions and things that will divert you from your goal.

In a relationship, you establish proper boundaries and avoid situations which will be tempting and could lead to bad decisions, and you do not overly delay marriage-- you don’t view dating as a recreation, an end unto itself. Dating or courtship has a purpose-- an end-- and that end is marriage. After a discernment process, you move forward with marriage or you end the relationship if it is not leading to marriage.

Premarital chastity is not a tenet of Catholicism alone. It is, of course, one of the basic command of God.

Why do you view this as so difficult to accomplish?


#9

I guess it goes like this…I would never even consider having sex with someone that I didn’t love…and I would never consider jeopardizing the immortal soul of someone that I do love by using them to commit a mortal sin. I think sex outside of marriage is sort of like an illusion, and one that can prevent you from finding the thing that is really real and really fulfilling, that kind of intimacy that can only take place between a husband and a wife.


#10

:thumbsup: What a great question! My daughter and son-in-law stayed chaste until their recent wedding this past December. They were both 25. They had been dating for a few years. It was hard for them to wait. They were determined. I suppose if you make up your mind about something, you can do it. Stay away from situation which might weaken your resolve–being alone and expressing physical affection is probably the biggest threat to a vow of chastity. Or, set ground rules for what type of touching/kissing is completely off limits if you are alone. Remaining chaste is hard work, and you have to be smart about it. The other thing to consider is this: if virginity is important to you, then remember that if you have sex with a person and then break up, you will have compromised the chastity of someone else’s future spouse. I hope this helps a bit.


#11

-If you can’t say no, what does it mean when you say yes?

-if you’ll sleep with someone you’re not married to, then why would that change after marriage?

-how do you not fall off a cliff? stay away from the edge.
(stay away from temptation)


#12

Stay away from temptation. Don’t “try” and see how it goes. Don’t delude yourself into permitting small things. Just honestly leave it alone until you’re married and you’ll be fine.

Paradoxically, it helped me when I realised it wasn’t really about merely avoiding the “act” itself, as in anything less than full intercourse. When I realised it simply meant sexuality was to be expressed in marriage, it helped much. That way it makes much more sense.


#13

One word: babies.

Whether people want to admit this or not, part of having sex means the potential of having babies. People seem to forget this little fact.

I’m not saying sex is just for procreation here. That’s not Catholic teaching. But if someone isn’t ready for the responsibility of raising a child, then they aren’t ready for sex. And a child is meant to be raised by a steady couple bonded in marriage.


#14

St. Benedict would not approve of your post!:tsktsk:


#15

Well, that may be, but I don’t claim to a perfect follower of Catholicism. The user name was chosen years ago when I was still a daily Mass Catholic and just beginning to become an agnostic.


#16

We waited - and I would not have changed a thing. It was hard, but you know what? We are also grown ups and we know what our priorities are.

To be totally blunt - keep your pants on, and don’t get so close to the flame that you get burned. It’s not impossible. It’s only a matter of setting your priorities and being serious about them.

You have the rest of your lives together to have sex - waiting a few months is not the end of the world.

~Liza


#17

Like it or not Benedictus, you can’t just stop being Catholic. If you truly want to mess up your life and not be considered Catholic then you can submit a letter of renouncing the Catholic Church to your Bishop. Unless you do that, and I hope you don’t, then you are Catholic, just as I discovered I was when I came back home.

As far as waiting, trying doing it twice with the same spouse. When I realized that the truth did in fact exist within the Catholic Church I went to confession and had to abstain for 4 months. I loved it. My wife was scared stiff because she knew I could easily cut the strings, but I would never cause scandal on purpose, even if I did feel strongly called to the priesthood. I owe her dignity and sacrificed that which I felt strongly called to for her and of course our children. Enjoy these last few moments that you are able to sacrifice this beautiful expression of love. It belongs within the marriage covenant of holy matrimony. You will feel so much better for abstaining.
Peace


#18

Husband and I were together for 5 years before getting married. It works much easier when both are of the same mind-set and beliefs. We were both virgins prior to the wedding night, which I think helped because neither one of us had the “knowledge”. We were married in 2003, so it’s not like we lived in the old days and my husband was a normal, hotblooded young man. We were surrounded by almost all of our contemporairies either living together or sexually active prior to marriage.

The natural desire is definitely not easy to fight. We attended mass together almost every weekend. A lot of prayer - especially during times when it seemed extremely hard. My sister acted as a chaperone many times. I also had my parents to use as role models. They were also both virgins prior to marriage and my mother always insisted on my dad’s younger brother and sister to be chaperones when they went out on dates. I wasn’t as stringent as my mom in terms of having my sister there all the time, but I also knew my threshold AND his threshold.

The other factor for me, too, was that I was once sexually molested and forced to fondle that pervert as a child. (He thankfully never raped me and I was strong enough at 5 to not allow him to do it again a second time - never tried it again afterwards, but when he lived in the house for a few months I did keep my door locked.) Through that horrible experience, I gained a sort of strange wisdom to never allow anyone to take advantage of me again and to protect myself against being used sexually - wanting to be sure that whoever I would eventually share myself with would be worthy of me and were truly a holy person. The doors weren’t opening until the marriage was blessed by God and I was absolutely sure of the person. But again, that didn’t make “waiting” easy at all especially since I was very sure of my future husband.

Most importantly, though, it was very important for us to save that act of love for when we celebrated the sacrament, and for us, it was so worth it. We just kept that first and foremost in our minds. Like I said, what made it “easier” (NOT easy) was the fact that we both wanted this for each other and respected each other for that. It may not have been as easy to resist had we been with someone else.


#19

I feel what you are saying Benedictus. I never saw myself as the married type. But I am past 40 and not a virgin. And I don’t see myself ever being married. In fact I know I will never get married. Once I lost my virginity, I saw how over rated sex was. My life’s focus changed dramatically and I began to make better choices in friends and relationships in general. I have no regrets when it comes to not being a virgin at this stage of my life.


#20

I’m a virgin and intend to stay that way till marriage. I’m also a college student at a very liberal campus. It is very tempting to have sex, not for physical attraction alone, but for an emotional connection. However, at this stage in my life, it would not be wise to have sex till marriage. I do prolife work and could not imagine what it would be like to get pregnant in college (birth control doesn’t always work and abortion is not an option for me, not only for religious reasons). Or an STD. I also see how crazy people get and how many of them have sex without even knowing what it means. Then they’re surprised about how bonded they are to each other.

I don’t want to give myself away to someone until we’ve committed to share our lives with each other forever. I don’t want someone who only wants me for my body and then leaves me if I get pregnant. Besides, if I give myself away to everyone else, what will I have left for my future spouse?


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