I’m praying that someone can help me with advice. I have been married to my husband for 7 years. Over the last year or so, I have felt rather consistently that I am not in love with him anymore. Our marriage has been extremely rocky. Here’s a little background: as a child, he was molested and abused by his stepfather and neglected by his mother. Naturally, this has caused a lot of problems, which we have worked hard on together. He has hidden many secrets from me, including a porn addiction (I never would have married him had I known) and alcoholism. He has lied to me so much for so long that I do not trust him anymore, and becomes angry and frustrated that I “can’t let go of the past.” I think he has kept his porn addiction under control, but I can’t be sure because I never fully believe him. Worked worked for a long time on that together, with books and pornnomore.com. Unfortunately, we live in Japan and can’t receive adequate counseling on base for these problems.
I don’t feel we are on the same page in life in general. At one point, we were really growing in faith together, but now that has all but ended. He has to work on Sundays, so he never really gets to mass. I struggle with OCD and depression, and sometimes it gets so bad that I question my faith, whether or not God really cares. When I try to talk to him about this, he gets exasperated. I want him to help me grow in faith, but he doesn’t seem to care.
He was doing well in college, won a big Air Force award, and seemed really driven. Then he took a couple of terms off of college to study for his E-6 test. We were all excited about it - I just know he would have made it, because he is very smart. Well, he missed the test and won’t be able to test until next year. This is typical of his behavior. And of course, I am not allowed to be upset about it.
He drinks a lot again, but doesn’t think he ever gets drunk - even after a few mixed drinks and 6 or 7 beers. Also, he has gained a lot of weight lately, about 20 lbs. I am home visiting my family, and this weight gain happened during the 6 weeks I was gone with the kids. I am concerned because of all the health problems in his family, and he has a big belly now. I know this sounds shallow, but I am having problems being attracted to him anyway, and now this. I’m trying to help him without nagging, but he seems to think anything is nagging. I really don’t know what to do. He has no sense of humor about anything, and is always touchy. In short, he is a downer.
Sometimes I wish I had never met him, but then I feel awful because we have two absolutely wonderful, sweet, adorable little boys. I don’t want to divorce him, but I admit I do think about what could have been. I don’t know what to do. It seems that I am never a good enough wife. I pray for him, for our marriage, and it just doesn’t seem to help. I am willing to do whatever it takes to feel the way I used to about him, but I don’t know how to do it.
Can anyone help?