Not invited to Easter dinner


#1

Hi everyone, happy Easter.

I moved out of my parents house around 2 months ago. They live about 10-12 minutes away. Every Easter they have a turkey dinner, and my immediate family is there. They did not invite me. They didn’t say they don’t want me to come or anything but they also didn’t call to ask if I would be coming. They have called a couple of times since I moved out or if I see them at church they will invite me over to dinner. So I don’t go unless they invite me.

But they haven’t called and it’s 11am now, and usually they have dinner at around 1pm-2pm on Easter.

I don’t want to call and invite myself. And I will feel bad if they don’t even call me to ask…

What should I do?

Phil


#2

Just call to say Happy Easter and see what they say.

They may be just assuming you will be there - if you are not estranged there would be no reason for them to think that you wouldn't be there. I'm 45, haven't lived at home for ages, and my father would never think to invite me, it's just assumed I will be there.

I hope you have a good and blessed Easter Sunday!

~Liza


#3

I agree that unless you are on bad terms, they assume you will come to dinner. Give them a call and say Happy Easter!


#4

I will probably give them a call and say happy Easter. I just really hate inviting myself. Last week for example, they invited me over for supper. And that's how they normally do it. They will say hey, why don't you come over for supper. So they don't assume. But like I said I will give them a call, say Happy Easter, probably around 12.


#5

They expect you to be there. Call and ask "do you need me to bring anything? Bag of ice? Last minute bottle of mustard?"


#6

Thanks guys for your feedback. I'm not 100% sure why everyone is assuming they just expect me to be there. That hasn't been the case so far. Like I said I will wish them a Happy Easter, but not go into stuff about dinner. My family doesn't just expect people to show up. Knowing them, I would have expected a call. They called me other times about dinner.

Also, my younger brother is not here this year because he had to work today. It's sort of hard to explain, but usually my mother seems to be more concerned about my younger bro. Like last week when I got there, my bro hadn't arrived so we waited. That would never happen for me. They would have started right away. It's entirely possible that they are not even having turkey dinner because my bro is away working.


#7

[quote="phil8888, post:6, topic:193429"]
Thanks guys for your feedback. I'm not 100% sure why everyone is assuming they just expect me to be there.

[/quote]

That's because Easter dinner is not like your typical middle of the week or weekend dinner. Those you absolutely expect that you will either be invited directly or not - but a holiday dinner, that has always included you since your birth, would not ever expect to change. It is a given that it will be as it has always been - family together.

Easter dinner can't be equated with a usual dinner - they are not the same type of event.

Besides - calling and asking your own mother if she is having Easter dinner this year is not inviting yourself. It is assuming that you are still a member of the family. To assume otherwise may be hurtful to them that you would ever think that they would no longer include you in family functions because you have moved away from home. People grow up and move away all the time - it does not automatically (in most cases) mean you are no longer part of the family.

~Liza


#8

I agree with everyone else. You moved out of the house not out of their lives. I think that you should not be expecting a personal invite to everything your parents do in your childhood home, unless there are some extreme circumstances. I come from a big family and no one needs an invitation to go to "grandma's house", which includes her immediate children all the way down to her great grand children. It is home, and she would be very hurt if we thought we need a personal invite to go over. I would think as a parent I would be very hurt if my child thought this way. But I guess in our family we would probably poke fun of each other if we ever thought that, and it has happened before. :)


#9

There is obviously some underlying issues about your relationship with your family that makes you wonder if you would be invited or even welcome.

I am sorry that these feelings are troubling your heart on this special day.

Sometimes the best advice is to ‘act as if’ ---- ‘act as if’ you feel welcome, ‘act as if’ can melt differences sometimes - overtime if the family is not one where direct communication is easy.

I will be praying for you - and hope that you will feel that welcome and love that you so naturally desire from your family.

Is it possible that your parents also don’t want to assume that you would want to be there?
As a parent of adults it is a balancing act as young people try to create autonomy - but I think you’ve received good advice here - call, wish Happy Easter - make it known you don’t have any plans - and would love to be there with them - offer to bring something.

All families are different in the ways that they communicate - for some it is easy to be direct for other it is a kind of dance to protect feelings - but hopefully our families can be places where we can offer and feel God’s love for us.

Wishing you a joyful Easter - no matter where you are.


#10

Personally, I think this is just how parents are. I'm of the opinion that they may be a bit miffed at you, because they've had to invite you to dinner every single time. They probably feel like you don't want to spend time with them, unless they ask you to. I think you need to show them that you want to come to dinner and spend time with them on Easter. I think it's the least a good son should do. Anyway, just my $0.02.


#11

Since you're now living "away" from the family home, I hope you're establishing habits of staying in touch - maybe a weekly phone call to say "Hi, how are you?" If you can afford to treat your folks to a dinner out, that would be lovely too. Maybe you're giving an impression of wanting "little" contact?


#12

Phil, I hope everything works out and this is just a simple misunderstanding.


#13

It sounds like you don't know or understand protocol. Just go and stop whimpering about it. Assume they want you until they uninvite you. And my all means if you must ask then ask. Parents might be offended if you don't assume you need to go...that is unless you're married and then they'd want to see you anyway. Families expect these sort of things. So get off to see them...even it you haven't by now.

Not trying to offend you, but trying to motivate a proper response for you to go.


#14

[quote="eucharisteo, post:13, topic:193429"]
It sounds like you don't know or understand protocol. Just go and stop whimpering about it. Assume they want you until they uninvite you. And my all means if you must ask then ask. Parents might be offended if you don't assume you need to go...that is unless you're married and then they'd want to see you anyway. Families expect these sort of things. So get off to see them...even it you haven't by now.

Not trying to offend you, but trying to motivate a proper response for you to go.

[/quote]

Hmmmmmmmmmm. I noticed no whimpering.
In fact, families have their own protocols and expectations.

It's not a one-rule-fits-all kind of thing.

E.g., my parents kept perpetual open-house for all, for children,
in-laws, grandchildren. If you arrived at the dinner hour, you had dinner.

If you arrived hungry (any time of day or night), you ate.

Invitations were never a requirement.


#15

Ok, on the other side of the fence a bit here! I would NEVER have in a million years shown up at my parents house uninvited at dinner time especially on a holiday! NEVER! Not that I didn't love them (both gone now) and not that they didn't love me, I did and they did. BUT you just didn't do that in their home. And this is pretty much the way my kids are now that they are grown and have families. Though I wouldn't care so much, but they'd likely share my Lean Cuisine with me if they didn't let me know they were coming. (I am widowed)
What we did do (since I am a nurse and work most holidays) was talk about this kind of stuff weeks in advance, so my Mom would know how much food to make or even if she had to cook.
And that's what I would suggest this gentleman does, talk to them after Easter is over and make sure that they don't just expect you. And from now on, make sure that you know a week in advance (or more) what holiday plans are. That way you can bring something to add to the holiday meal or at least will know what you are doing and how to plan your holidays.

Easter Blessings to everyone, I had a bagel for my Easter dinner!


#16

[quote="gh4, post:15, topic:193429"]
Ok, on the other side of the fence a bit here! I would NEVER have in a million years shown up at my parents house uninvited at dinner time especially on a holiday! NEVER! Not that I didn't love them (both gone now) and not that they didn't love me, I did and they did. BUT you just didn't do that in their home. And this is pretty much the way my kids are now that they are grown and have families. Though I wouldn't care so much, but they'd likely share my Lean Cuisine with me if they didn't let me know they were coming. (I am widowed)
What we did do (since I am a nurse and work most holidays) was talk about this kind of stuff weeks in advance, so my Mom would know how much food to make or even if she had to cook.
And that's what I would suggest this gentleman does, talk to them after Easter is over and make sure that they don't just expect you. And from now on, make sure that you know a week in advance (or more) what holiday plans are. That way you can bring something to add to the holiday meal or at least will know what you are doing and how to plan your holidays.

Easter Blessings to everyone, I had a bagel for my Easter dinner!

[/quote]

Thanks - you've made my point.
Different families, different customs.

My parents had eight children.
Monday through Friday, dinner was at 6:00pm.
Saturdays, as you like it and when you like it.
Sundays, dinner was at 1:30pm.

Different families, different customs!


#17

[quote="catharina, post:16, topic:193429"]
Sundays, dinner was at 1:30pm.

[/quote]

Huh? Are you talking about lunch or dinner?


#18

[quote="BadTurkey, post:17, topic:193429"]
Huh? Are you talking about lunch or dinner?

[/quote]

Dinner.

We followed the convent-monastery-farmer habit on Sundays.


#19

And you disagree with me that he should just go home to eat with them without expecting an invitation? :confused:


#20

[quote="eucharisteo, post:19, topic:193429"]
And you disagree with me that he should just go home to eat with them without expecting an invitation? :confused:

[/quote]

Mty comment is in Post 11.
Any decision and follow-through is his to make.


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