Not sure if I can go on living like this; can you help?

Hello. I’ve tried to post on here before looking for help.

I am at absolute breaking point and I am not sure what to do. I am seriously contemplating ending my life and the only thing stopping me is fear of going to hell. I am coming to terms with the fact that I am gay and am facing a very bleak future miserable and alone. Nobody in the world knows that I am gay and I would lose everyone I have in the world if they found out. I have prayed, prayed, prayed about this and it doesn’t help. Whereas before I didn’t pay too much attention to my sexuality and got on with life now it’s all i think about. First thing I think about when I wake up and last thing i think about before I fall asleep. And that’s if I fall asleep, I am having huge levels of anxiety and insomnia that is not normal for me. I can’t bare to take it anymore. I cannot guarantee that I won’t do something crazy and put and end to these feelings. Can anyone tell me; if my head is not in the right place and my anxiety levels are through the roof and I act out and end my life will I go to hell for sure. Hell for the next 40-50 years vs hell for all eternity.

Dear friend,

The fact that you have same sex attraction is not what is making you miserable. The fact that you don’t know the Lord’s love is what is making you miserable. You need to know this in your heart as well as in your head. A few years ago I interviewed a thirty something man who came back to the Church and gave up a seven-year same sex relationship in the process.

Feel free to contact me privately. Just click on my name. Below is a reflection on the Lord’s Passion. It will tell you a lot about Him and also about you and how important you are to Him. You are in my prayers.

Fr. Vincent Serpa, O.P.

Reflection on the Passion of Our Lord Jesus Christ +

The agony in the garden was really the agony in His mind. He suffered the passion in His mind before He suffered it in His body—to the point of actually affecting the latter by sweating blood. But from then on, it was His bodily suffering that affected His mental suffering.

At the base of all His suffering was the one thing that human beings dread the most: rejection. He was betrayed by Judas, denied by Peter and abandoned by all the rest of His Apostles; those He had hand picked as His closest intimates. He was most rejected by those who put Him to death. They not only wanted Him dead, they wanted Him to suffer. They not only considered Him to be worth nothing, they considered Him to be worth minus nothing! This significance was not lost on Him. He felt fully the rejection as each physical agony reminded Him.

So we thank Him for joining us on our human journey and actually choosing to experience what we fear the most.

We thank Him for enduring the arrest and the cruelty of the guards and the Sanhedrin. We thank Him for enduring the cruelty of Pilate who allowed Him to be executed rather than risk his own political ruin—and for the cruelty of Herod who wanted to be entertained by having Him work a miracle. We thank Him for all the time He spent satisfying their preoccupation with themselves, just delaying His ultimate death. We thank Him for the anxiety of that night in a cell.

The next morning He was brutally scourged with such intensity and violence that He became as an aged man in a matter of minutes. His multiple wounds bloodied His entire body. The loss of so much blood not only severely weakened Him; it also caused a severe, throbbing headache that remained with Him for the duration.

We thank Him for this and for the mockery He received when they put a purple cloth on His shoulders and pushed a crown of thorns down into His head which intensified His headache. They blindfolded Him and slapped Him, insisting that He ‘prophesy’ who had hit Him. They spat on Him and beat Him.

He stood at the praetorium in utter disgrace according to the attitude of the crowd—while in reality, He stood in utter glory: almighty God, being present to every person who has ever suffered rejection, joining them in their moment of pain. It was there that He was sentenced to death by crucifixion. Physically, He was utterly miserable. He revealed to St. Bernard that carrying the cross was His most painful agony. He was so weak, He could hardly walk. Nauseous and thirsty, He found the weight of the cross on His shoulder almost unbearable. It most likely dislocated His shoulder. It is not surprising that He fell down on the stone streets that were filthy with animal dung—with the cross on top of Him. And He got up each time.

It was only with the help of Simon of Cyrene that He made it to the top of Calvary. There they drove the nails into the carpal tunnels of His hands, causing pain throughout His upper body. The nail in His feet egistered great pain through all the sensitive nerves there. After three hours, He came to the point where His lack of strength simply was no match for what is known as Sepsis, where the bloodstream is overwhelmed by bacteria, and in this eternal moment He died, giving us His life. Transcending time, this moment of divine love is present to us in the tabernacles of the world. Thank you, Lord. We adore you O Christ and we praise you. By your holy cross, you have redeemed the world.

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