Nine years ago when I met her we were 24. She lived in SF, I lived in KC. We made it work and after about a year of dating she decided to move here. As we were dating she told me she was a credit short of graduating college. While I thought it odd that someone would put in that much work and not finish I shrugged it off. I thought “This is what I want. A smart, intelligent girl who knows what she wants.” What she wanted was a career in HR. And her family was always asking her about finishing school. I always assumed they meant college. Also when I met her she smoked marijuana. Again we were 24 so I figured she’d grow out of it. When she moved here she quit, except for maybe once a year like new year’s or her birthday. Then she started up again. She likes to say “How is my smoking any different than your drinking?” I always counter with “I can go down the street to the store and get it. I don’t have to make a bunch of calls and arrange a pick up. The police won’t care if I have it in my house, or my possession as long as it’s closed. That’s the difference. Not to mention it’s very juvenile.”
Around August or September 2008 I was sick and tired of two things: living paycheck to paycheck, wondering if we could pay the mortgage, etc. and my job. So I decided to go back to school. I’m now in my 5th semester and have decided to pursue a BA in Sociology, minor in Geography. I’ve also struggled with pornography but have been clean for about 4 years now.
Then last year the economy hit us. She lost her job in January 2009 and came close to having a few. She quit smoking around that time because she wanted to take some time off, and at that time we could afford it due to her severance package. However in March she came close to landing a new job, but THC showed up on the drug test. I just bit my tongue and told her she said learn something from the experience. Around that same time yet another opportunity presented itself but they were having a problem with her high school transcripts. I told her to call her hs and get it fixed. After several days of me nagging her to call I was finally given the truth (after six years of marriage): the credit she was missing was for high school, not college. Which explained why her parents were always on her about going back to school. When this revelation was given to me I said “Well are you waiting for? Get enrolled somewhere and get the class done.” She got enrolled and started out ok but I noticed the book being cracked less and less. She started in March and was supposed to be done by the latest in December. Needless to say she didn’t finish and got an extension until March 2010. The book didn’t even move this time. She’s also smoking all the time again. She did get a job in September 2009 but it’s making way less than what she was and I don’t think that’s hit her because she’s still spending like when we were making decent money (obviously if she’s smoking again).
I have no idea what to do. I love her and everything but I don’t feel like it’s the woman I fell in love with and married. I thought she was an educated go-getter. I honestly believe she has no intention whatsoever of getting her diploma and the only way she’ll quit smoking is if she’s pregnant. I think she’ll be a great mom but I feel like she has ZERO ambition and is content working a $27k job . I guess the best way to sum it up is I feel like I’m married to a teenager who doesn’t give a flop about life. She’s never lived by herself so I don’t know that she understands what it takes to be self-sufficient or self-reliant.
I’ve also told her how all this makes me feel and how I don’t want to have a baby until she finishes school but that doesn’t seem to motivate her at all. I feel like I recognized we needed more security and a better life so I went back to school. It wasn’t just for me it was for her too. I’m seeing my therapist in a couple of weeks but I can’t stop thinking about it. I almost wonder if me leaving her, just separating for a little bit would make her understand. I’ve always told myself that I can’t force her to sit down and finish American Government but I’m at the end of my rope.
Any thoughts are appreciated. God bless!!!