Not sure what to do about my wife


#1

Nine years ago when I met her we were 24. She lived in SF, I lived in KC. We made it work and after about a year of dating she decided to move here. As we were dating she told me she was a credit short of graduating college. While I thought it odd that someone would put in that much work and not finish I shrugged it off. I thought “This is what I want. A smart, intelligent girl who knows what she wants.” What she wanted was a career in HR. And her family was always asking her about finishing school. I always assumed they meant college. Also when I met her she smoked marijuana. Again we were 24 so I figured she’d grow out of it. When she moved here she quit, except for maybe once a year like new year’s or her birthday. Then she started up again. She likes to say “How is my smoking any different than your drinking?” I always counter with “I can go down the street to the store and get it. I don’t have to make a bunch of calls and arrange a pick up. The police won’t care if I have it in my house, or my possession as long as it’s closed. That’s the difference. Not to mention it’s very juvenile.”

Around August or September 2008 I was sick and tired of two things: living paycheck to paycheck, wondering if we could pay the mortgage, etc. and my job. So I decided to go back to school. I’m now in my 5th semester and have decided to pursue a BA in Sociology, minor in Geography. I’ve also struggled with pornography but have been clean for about 4 years now.

Then last year the economy hit us. She lost her job in January 2009 and came close to having a few. She quit smoking around that time because she wanted to take some time off, and at that time we could afford it due to her severance package. However in March she came close to landing a new job, but THC showed up on the drug test. I just bit my tongue and told her she said learn something from the experience. Around that same time yet another opportunity presented itself but they were having a problem with her high school transcripts. I told her to call her hs and get it fixed. After several days of me nagging her to call I was finally given the truth (after six years of marriage): the credit she was missing was for high school, not college. Which explained why her parents were always on her about going back to school. When this revelation was given to me I said “Well are you waiting for? Get enrolled somewhere and get the class done.” She got enrolled and started out ok but I noticed the book being cracked less and less. She started in March and was supposed to be done by the latest in December. Needless to say she didn’t finish and got an extension until March 2010. The book didn’t even move this time. She’s also smoking all the time again. She did get a job in September 2009 but it’s making way less than what she was and I don’t think that’s hit her because she’s still spending like when we were making decent money (obviously if she’s smoking again).

I have no idea what to do. I love her and everything but I don’t feel like it’s the woman I fell in love with and married. I thought she was an educated go-getter. I honestly believe she has no intention whatsoever of getting her diploma and the only way she’ll quit smoking is if she’s pregnant. I think she’ll be a great mom but I feel like she has ZERO ambition and is content working a $27k job . I guess the best way to sum it up is I feel like I’m married to a teenager who doesn’t give a flop about life. She’s never lived by herself so I don’t know that she understands what it takes to be self-sufficient or self-reliant.

I’ve also told her how all this makes me feel and how I don’t want to have a baby until she finishes school but that doesn’t seem to motivate her at all. I feel like I recognized we needed more security and a better life so I went back to school. It wasn’t just for me it was for her too. I’m seeing my therapist in a couple of weeks but I can’t stop thinking about it. I almost wonder if me leaving her, just separating for a little bit would make her understand. I’ve always told myself that I can’t force her to sit down and finish American Government but I’m at the end of my rope.

Any thoughts are appreciated. God bless!!!


#2

i see three real issues, and additional stuff that feels like real issues to you, but arent.

real issue one: she lived a protracted lie.
issue two: she participates in an illegal and mind-altering activity
issue three: YOUR discernment process before marrying was weak.

moving backward:

examine issue three. see how this cunundrum is partly of your making. it will help you to feel less resentful of her. less resentful means more constructive solutions.

restrict issue two by rearranging bank accounts-- dont let her spend your money on dope. expect to pay all the bills. you're right in this-- she's like an unreliable teen. act accordingly.

issue one: lies.... looks like counseling to me. if she won't go, go without her.

you're right to avoid pregnancy with a woman who demonstrates pot dependancy. why is it dependancy? because a casual non-dependent user of ANYTHING quits when it concerns the spouse. make sure your avoidance of pregnancy is accordidng to the directives of the Church. (use NFP, not ABC)

that she's got no diploma and is an under-achiever? shallow issues, in my opinion for which she doesn't need a father figure. figure out the other three and you'll be happy if you're only left with these remnants of problems.


#3

So why don't you have kids yet?? Having a child is the #1 way to get more mature...like seriousy you live alone with your wife...she has no reason not to smoke or indulge herself...once a child comes along I guarantee you things will change. Either she'll mature up, or she'll crack under the pressure and you'll uncover her true character. Do it!!!


#4

Based on what? That she’s immature, self-indulgent to a fault, breaks the law, takes drugs, is unmotivated and a quitter, and ignores anything she doesn’t want to deal with? Is this REALLY the kind of person you want raising your child? Based on what you’ve posted, I wouldn’t let her babysit my goldfish.

I’m certain she has some lovely qualities–otherwise you wouldn’t have married her–and I do hope she’ll mature as time goes by. But having a baby isn’t the way to go about it…if she’s too overwhelmed (or maybe just unmotivated?) to crack a book to pass ONE course for school, how is she going to handle the 24/7/365 responsibility of a baby?

Miz


#5

[quote="jrsmith, post:3, topic:205607"]
So why don't you have kids yet?? Having a child is the #1 way to get more mature...like seriousy you live alone with your wife...she has no reason not to smoke or indulge herself...once a child comes along I guarantee you things will change. Either she'll mature up, or she'll crack under the pressure and you'll uncover her true character. Do it!!!

[/quote]

This is among the worst advice that I have ever heard. :( One cannot rely upon the child to cause change. The changes must come first.


#6

Having a child is a poor method for gaining maturity and a sense of responsibility… and a lousy way of cementing together a marriage that is already on shaky ground at best. The innocent child is the one who stands to lose the most.

Jayhawk, I think you got married under false pretenses, really… you’d be smart to sit down with an experienced priest or a trusted counselor and examine your situation objectively.


#7

[quote="MtnDwellar, post:5, topic:205607"]
This is among the worst advice that I have ever heard. :( One cannot rely upon the child to cause change. The changes must come first.

[/quote]

Indeed, what if she doesn't stop smoking pot while when she is pregnant, because she is too dependent, or what happens if she goes back to to smoking pot right after having a baby and is then watching a child while high on pot?:mad:

A child will not change a person especially if they don't want to change, if the other spouse is responsible it will be even more unlikely. My (ex) SIL had 2 children and still spent most nights of the week out clubbing and on nights she wasn't clubbing she was holed up in her room with migraines caused by the excessive drinking on the other nights. :eek:

Anyways, Monica had an excellent post.


#8

Ahh, did you get married in the Church, sacramentally, because it does not seem like you had much of a discernment process?

Is she using ABC behind your back or with you because if you are not part of the NFP process can you trust her to handle that on her own or is abstinence in order?

Get the marijuana out of your house before YOU get arrested and your family ends up with O income. :eek:


#9

I think you are going to have to get into counseling...both of you. All of this needs to be put on the table with a counselor or priest there to help you work through it. You also need to HEAR from her the reasons for some of her behavior. Maybe there is more to it than meets the eye.

I am sorry you are going through this. Over time, we ALL discover new things about our spouses. Some are pleasant suprises, others are things that make usfeel cheated. In the end, the things you love about them you will love more and more each day. BUT the things that bother you will bother you more and more.

You have to figure our how to navigate the waters. In the end, you may end up having separate accounts, expecting to be the sole stable provider for your family and having a wife that has to be cared for in ways you did not expect or want. Hard pill to swallow, I know.

Taben


#10

[quote="taben, post:9, topic:205607"]
I think you are going to have to get into counseling...both of you. All of this needs to be put on the table with a counselor or priest there to help you work through it. You also need to HEAR from her the reasons for some of her behavior. Maybe there is more to it than meets the eye.

I am sorry you are going through this. Over time, we ALL discover new things about our spouses. Some are pleasant suprises, others are things that make usfeel cheated. In the end, the things you love about them you will love more and more each day. BUT the things that bother you will bother you more and more.

You have to figure our how to navigate the waters. In the end, you may end up having separate accounts, expecting to be the sole stable provider for your family and having a wife that has to be cared for in ways you did not expect or want. Hard pill to swallow, I know.

Taben

[/quote]

This is probably the route I'm going to go. She also sees a therapist (major dad issues, control, etc.) and I wanted to go last time but had to work. I told her I'm going next time because I think she'll answer them in that forum, I'm not exactly sure why I can't get an answer out of her while we're alone but that's an entirely different beast.


#11

Didn't you ever ask you wife what her alma mater was while you were dating? Or her major? Or degree? What did you two talk about while you were dating? You bear a great deal of the responsibility for the outcome in your marriage by choosing someone you really never knew. How sad, but the situation is salvageable with a great of prayer and honest communication between the two of you. What sort of formation did you undertake to prepare for this marriage? Were you married in a Catholic Church?

You wife is probably a drug addict and definitely a con. And quite possibly has a life long habit of layer upon layer of lying to cover-up her deficiencies. At this point, you are co-dependent and need counseling just to see the situation clearly. Please determine the validity of this marriage as soon as possible based on the fact that you have been deceived by an addict. How many more years of your life will you wander aimlessly while your wife gets her act together, if she ever gets it together. Hang onto the money, she'll smoke it all and then some.

Really, if this marriage was performed in a Catholic Church, I have to wonder about the validity given the pervasive, fundamental lying that has gone on for the past 10 years. I wonder what else she is hiding? What other lies has she told you that you have yet to discover? Marriage counseling must be imperative, if she doesn't participate, look into a separation and possibly an annulment. I am not pro-divorce by any means, but as long as someone is using drugs, meaning that they have not had a spiritual conversion towards God, it is a hopeless, lonely, and frustrating battle. Marriage is intended to be much, much more.


#12

[quote="monicatholic, post:2, topic:205607"]
i see three real issues, and additional stuff that feels like real issues to you, but arent.

real issue one: she lived a protracted lie.
issue two: she participates in an illegal and mind-altering activity
issue three: YOUR discernment process before marrying was weak.

moving backward:

examine issue three. see how this cunundrum is partly of your making. it will help you to feel less resentful of her. less resentful means more constructive solutions.

restrict issue two by rearranging bank accounts-- dont let her spend your money on dope. expect to pay all the bills. you're right in this-- she's like an unreliable teen. act accordingly.

issue one: lies.... looks like counseling to me. if she won't go, go without her.

you're right to avoid pregnancy with a woman who demonstrates pot dependancy. why is it dependancy? because a casual non-dependent user of ANYTHING quits when it concerns the spouse. make sure your avoidance of pregnancy is accordidng to the directives of the Church. (use NFP, not ABC)

that she's got no diploma and is an under-achiever? shallow issues, in my opinion for which she doesn't need a father figure. figure out the other three and you'll be happy if you're only left with these remnants of problems.

[/quote]

I second this interpretation of your situation and the advice.


#13

Sounds like she has her priorities screwed up quite a bit. Whats the point in smokin it if you're not getting anywhere in life? If it's messing things up you need to continue to point it out to her and work on getting the help she needs so she can make something of her self.


closed #14

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