Not sure what to do about the husband


#1

I am not abused...
He is a good dad who loves his children...
he is a respectable man...
he is not a druggie or alcoholic...
he has always kept a job and supported us....

BUT he is a gamer... he spends hours a day playing video games and it is usually an everyday thing. I get to spend very little time with him... In fact, I have had to change my sleep schedule just to SEE him. He stays up late and sleeps late. He does absolutely nothing by way of chores.

Meanwhile, I am responsible for
95% of the childcare (he "watches" them on mondays while I am in school).
98% of the housework (he DOES mow 50% of the time during the summer...)
He does cook about 20% of the time...

Recently I asked ONE thing of him... I asked that he be responsible for keeping the table cleared off.. I hate when it is cluttered. He has not touched the table ONCE!!

Our marriage is suffering greatly. He complains about not enough sex, but why on earth would I want to have sex with someone who is a complete stranger to me? We have seperate bedrooms because I do not want to hear all of his gaming lingo. He complains that I am rude, but how on earth is it possible to remain peaceful to him when I am always last in line when compared to his electronics and gaming buddies?!

There is no way I could support myself and the kids NOW, but I have seriously considered divorce when I graduate next december... I do not WANT a divorce... I want to be in love with the man I once knew...


#2

It sounds like the gaming is his drug. I would recommend making an appointment with a Catholic marriage counselor as well as a priest - leave him the time of both appointments - if he shows, great - if not it will help you get perspective. I am praying for you. God bless.


#3

For many men today gaming has become and addiction that can destroy their lives the way any other addiction can. It's happening to my brother now. It's is no exageration to say that video games are number one in his life, before family, education, friends, health, and anything else that others consider important. He is missing out on everything when he spends 60 hours a week gaming,

I'm not sure what advice to offer you, because nothing has helped my brother or the other addicted gamers in my life and I can't imagine them ever changing. My only advice is to try to get him to see what his addiction is costing him and hope he sees the need for change. If he refuses, going to counseling on your own may be your only option. I wish you the best as you deal with this because I know how hard it is to lose a loved one to games. My brother is no longer the same person I grew up with. Games have sucked up his life 100%.


#4

While I'm not trying to downplay his video game "addiction" I'll say that it sounds more like a bad habit than an addiction. (I know about addiction first hand. Been sober from a chemical dependence for a year and ten months on the 14th)

You said he is a good father and a respectable guy-great traits, by the way-a real addict is neither. They wouldn't care about kids or you-all they'd care about is what they are addicted too.

The word "divorce" is like using a gun. It should only be brought out if your prepared to go foward with it. Be very careful.

Praying for you.


#5

I can't understand gaming addiction, but on the other hand I watch more TV than I should. They're both stupid distractions that remove us from reality. To be fair to him, ask yourself whether there is anything you can do to make reality more appealing to him. For example, is a bit of mess on the table worth fighting over? (I do know how frustrating this can be, but fighting doesn't help). Do you praise him for what he does do around the house/cooking/watching the kids, or might he feel like whatever he does is never enough? This isn't to blame you, but it is very easy for married couples to take each other for granted. Positive reinforcement of good behaviour is very powerful and promotes increased good behaviour.

Counselling is a good idea, but I wouldn't approach it on the basis that his gaming is destroying the marriage. That will put him offside from the start. The gaming may well be the cause, and the counselling process might help him to see that, but it also could be merely a symptom of deeper issues that you need to address together. Given you are at the point of contemplating divorce, I'd say counselling is definitely called for.


#6

Pray for wisdom to say and do the right things.

Only God knows what will break his addiction.

Forget divorce. Don't ever mention it.

Also- be generous sexually. Not because you want to but because it is the right thing to do.

If he does anything right--anything at all- Sing his praises.

Praying for you!


#7

Call Of Duty > women

End of story.

God will help you though you know he'll just destroy everyones Xboxes and PS3's.


#8

You hear aboythut addiction and counseling. But often, the addict won't even wabt to attend as Denial exists.

Maybe you try stay away from him, creating an isolation period for him. Now if he realize his folly, he will respond and at least you start the counselling session with him. Otherwise he is a goner, and sinply he is not worth your help at this time.

Think about above. Discern and ask for His strength in you to go through this.


#9

[quote="perfectpeach, post:1, topic:222716"]
I am not abused...
He is a good dad who loves his children...
he is a respectable man...
he is not a druggie or alcoholic...
he has always kept a job and supported us....

BUT he is a gamer... he spends hours a day playing video games and it is usually an everyday thing. I get to spend very little time with him... In fact, I have had to change my sleep schedule just to SEE him. He stays up late and sleeps late. He does absolutely nothing by way of chores.

Meanwhile, I am responsible for
95% of the childcare (he "watches" them on mondays while I am in school).
98% of the housework (he DOES mow 50% of the time during the summer...)
He does cook about 20% of the time...

Recently I asked ONE thing of him... I asked that he be responsible for keeping the table cleared off.. I hate when it is cluttered. He has not touched the table ONCE!!

Our marriage is suffering greatly. He complains about not enough sex, but why on earth would I want to have sex with someone who is a complete stranger to me? We have seperate bedrooms because I do not want to hear all of his gaming lingo. He complains that I am rude, but how on earth is it possible to remain peaceful to him when I am always last in line when compared to his electronics and gaming buddies?!

There is no way I could support myself and the kids NOW, but I have seriously considered divorce when I graduate next december... I do not WANT a divorce... I want to be in love with the man I once knew...

[/quote]

Gaming can be very addictive. Your husband is still taking care of his outward responsibilities like work, and some household duties. But his attention is not on you and the kids, he's investing all his free time in his addiction. If he keeps going in this vein, he will progress to neglecting the rest of his life. Rascalking, there can be a progression to these other addictions just as if it were a substance. I think it's actually an addiction to adrenaline, like work addicts. The gamers get a rush from the violence in these games and they get hooked on that. The rest of the world looks dull and gray compared to all the visual stimulation of a video game. I mean, how exciting is paying the bills or doing household chores compared with saving the world by blowing up zombies???

Like any other addiction, you need to seek sanity for yourself. I would not threaten divorce, but I would let him know that you are lonely and you want him to stop spending all his free time on line. He will probably defend his addiction and tell you "what's the harm?" But the time he spends will never be returned to your children or you.

I don't know what gamer's spouses can do - there is Al-Anon for people who are affected by alcoholism. I go to Al-Anon because my husband is a work addict. I tried to find Work-Anon, but there are so few groups in the US and worldwide. I called Al-Anon and asked them if I could go to the meetings and they said yes. I have alcoholism on my mother's side so I really do qualify, even if my husband isn't an alcoholic. I'm sure you could relate to what is shared in Al-Anon and the 12 steps would be the same for gaming addict's relatives...but there might be some more dedicated support groups somewhere. I'm sure it's becoming a huge problem.

You can ask him to get some help and cut back on his gaming. If he does, then it's not an addiction but a bad habit. If he really can't stop and even when you ask him, he justifies and keeps going, then he's addicted.


#10

When he's at work...throw out the system!
If my dh was giving his all his attention to another woman I'd kick her butt and send her packing...same thing with a game! Open the door and toss it out! Find a needy family that doesn't have any gifts for Christmas and bless them with it!


#11

[quote="happymommy, post:10, topic:222716"]
When he's at work...throw out the system!
If my dh was giving his all his attention to another woman I'd kick her butt and send her packing...same thing with a game! Open the door and toss it out! Find a needy family that doesn't have any gifts for Christmas and bless them with it!

[/quote]

Yeah, that's like pouring out the alcohol so an alcoholic won't drink. Her husband might just leave and go to a friend's house to play. The addict has to realize his life isn't working and want to change. You become his mommy, he just gets angrier.


#12

[quote="TheRealJuliane, post:11, topic:222716"]
Yeah, that's like pouring out the alcohol so an alcoholic won't drink. Her husband might just leave and go to a friend's house to play. The addict has to realize his life isn't working and want to change. You become his mommy, he just gets angrier.

[/quote]

You're right. I know. I would have a hard time leaving it in my house knowing that he is going to spend all his free time with it and not me and the kids.

Maybe snip a couple of wires so it doesn't work anymore:o


#13

[quote="violet81, post:6, topic:222716"]
Pray for wisdom to say and do the right things.

Only God knows what will break his addiction.

Forget divorce. Don't ever mention it.

Also- be generous sexually. Not because you want to but because it is the right thing to do.

If he does anything right--anything at all- Sing his praises.

Praying for you!

[/quote]

Can you explain why being generous sexually, even if you don't want to, is the right thing to do?


#14

[quote="happymommy, post:10, topic:222716"]
When he's at work...throw out the system!
If my dh was giving his all his attention to another woman I'd kick her butt and send her packing...same thing with a game! Open the door and toss it out! Find a needy family that doesn't have any gifts for Christmas and bless them with it!

[/quote]

Oh dear! LOL!

This isn't the best thing to do. I'm a guy, and I play video games as well. Not as much as this man, and since I'm single with no children, I don't have a family to neglect.

Throwing out his games, cutting the cords, or anything that damages them is like putting a band-aid on a person who had their leg cut off by a chainsaw. All it will do is get him 1) Furious and 2) cause him to spend more money to go and buy the games.

I have some rare video games as well-I collect them. If someone damaged them, I'd seriously consider a lawsuit.

Remember something critical-video games are legal. They're easy to get. You can go to a store and buy them. While playing games is hurting his marriage, they are not effecting his state of mind and actions. IE-He can't get physically harmed by playing them.

I sympathize with the OP. I'm sorry they are hurting her. But you can't treat this like an addiction to cocaine, crystal meth, or valium. It's very, very different.


#15

[quote="Rascalking, post:14, topic:222716"]
Oh dear! LOL!

This isn't the best thing to do. I'm a guy, and I play video games as well. Not as much as this man, and since I'm single with no children, I don't have a family to neglect.

Throwing out his games, cutting the cords, or anything that damages them is like putting a band-aid on a person who had their leg cut off by a chainsaw. All it will do is get him 1) Furious and 2) cause him to spend more money to go and buy the games.

I have some rare video games as well-I collect them. If someone damaged them, I'd seriously consider a lawsuit.

Remember something critical-video games are legal. They're easy to get. You can go to a store and buy them. While playing games is hurting his marriage, they are not effecting his state of mind and actions. IE-He can't get physically harmed by playing them.

I sympathize with the OP. I'm sorry they are hurting her. But you can't treat this like an addiction to cocaine, crystal meth, or valium. It's very, very different.

[/quote]

I know, sorry:o I don't know how she has put up with it this long!! I'd probably hit him over the head with it:o

To the OP, have you tried playing the games with him? Maybe it's something you could do every once in a while together? I don't know. Maybe make a family game night. Or does he not want anyone in the room while he is playing?


#16

Maybe tell him how you feel and ask him to slowly cut out the gaming or have him limit it to a few hours a day.


#17

[quote="TheRealJuliane, post:9, topic:222716"]
Gaming can be very addictive. I mean, how exciting is paying the bills or doing household chores compared with saving the world by blowing up zombies???

I go to Al-Anon because my husband is a work addict.

You can ask him to get some help and cut back on his gaming. If he does, then it's not an addiction but a bad habit. If he really can't stop and even when you ask him, he justifies and keeps going, then he's addicted.

[/quote]

:eek: If it's not one addiction these days, it's something else! My husband is a porn and sex addict (now strippers) peach so be glad your husband isn't into this! It could be worse!!!! I go to S-Anon. Spouses and partners of sex addicts. Some women's husbands actually go to prostitutes, multiple ones, multiple affairs, etc. and these wives stay with them! I don't get this!!!!!

Only the Lord can break an addiction I believe. Addictions are attempting to fill only what the Lord can fill in our lives.

I would bring your husband to church, and go to adoration, maybe get him involved in a men's group at church. SO many men have weird addictions nowadays,especially porn.

Ask him to stop, maybe to limit it to one hour a night. Tell him you need him to do this......If he won't, gee he may need AA!!!!! which can apply to every addiction.

Be thankful it's only gaming, and only work, Peach and Juliane. It could be so much worse! But still, ........hard.........

Get out of the separate bedrooms peach! this could lead to your husband doing porn on line!


#18

I feel for you, I used to be in a similar situation. My best advice is to try and be patient and talk with him. Talk with him about this situation in a very calm manner. If you have to, tell him, "hey, I would like some time to reconnect with you, can we spend a couple hours together on Saturday?" or something to that effect. Then, be open with him about how you're feeling without attacking him. Let him know that you're feeling stressed, or like you have too much housework to do, etc. If you can, don't even make it about the gaming at first, just let him know that you need some extra help and ask if he has any suggestions on how you guys can work together to get things done. How old are your kids? When my husband was doing all his gaming, the kids were just starting to talk, and it made him feel very bad when the kids would ask for mommy when he'd pick them up. He used to get really frustrated that his kids "didn't love him." I just explained that if he wanted the kids to enjoy spending time with him, he had to enjoy spending time with them, too. The kids didn't know him that well, so they weren't as comfortable with him. For my DH, that was enough for him to realize how much of their lives he'd missed by gaming.

Counselling is a great idea that others have suggested as well. If he won't go with you, go ahead and go alone. You'll be able to sort through all your thoughts and feelings on the issue, which will help you talk to your husband about it. The gaming itself might not even be the real issue here, it might just be a symptom of it.

Keep praying, this is a tough situation you're in.


#19

[quote="Corinne3, post:17, topic:222716"]

Only the Lord can break an addiction I believe. Addictions are attempting to fill only what the Lord can fill in our lives.

Be thankful it's only gaming, and only work, Peach and Juliane. It could be so much worse! But still, ........hard.........

!

[/quote]

I agree in part, disagree in part. I think the Lord helps (clearly) in breaking addiction, but the addict needs to take charge of their own life.

Addictions ARE an attempt to fill a void in life-the trick is to find out what that void is. God is definitely part of it-but you can't sit around and rely to(tally on God, then put a line of cocaine in front of you. (I'm NOT saying that Corrine3 is saying that, just giving my three cents)

I totally agree that the OP should be very thankfull its only gaming. Never forget that it could be much, much worse. Not saying it isn't bad either, but it always could be worse.


#20

[quote="perfectpeach, post:1, topic:222716"]
I have seriously considered divorce when I graduate next december... I do not WANT a divorce... I want to be in love with the man I once knew...

[/quote]

"Divorce" is a horrible and powerful word. Once you include it among your options, the whisper gets louder and louder until it appears to be the only option. Once you say it out loud, it colors every fight, every conversation, every moment you are together. Trust me--I uttered it once several years ago and my marriage spiraled out of control and ended in divorce. We eventually remarried, but not until we had suffered the greatest imaginable pain for years on end.

Your situation is serious and requires serious attention, but never say the "D" word out loud, and try to push it from your thoughts. NO GOOD can come from it.

For the record, your husband DOES have an addiction. I disagree with the other posters who are trying to downplay it.


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