Not Sure What to Do

I’ve written here before. My husband of 30 years confessed to me that he had been going to lap dance bars for anywhere from 3 to 7 years(his story kept changing so I suspect it was probably for much longer). He said he never had intercourse with them because he considered that cheating! But he did do most everything else. He no longer goes there because he got Peyronies disease there-a bent penis caused by scar tissue caused by, what he says was excessive grinding, even tho the Internet says it is mostly caused by rough intercourse. He says he stopped because he hurt me so much, & I believe him because he has had health problems lately & I believe he is trying to make the marriage work. This was two years ago. -lotsof counseling because he showed minimal remorse because he said he felt he did nothing wrong because it meant nothing to him.
Now, I find out that for the first two of the four years that we dated before we were married, he had frequent intercourse, not the occasional petting that he had origionallytold me, with an old girlfriend. He lies so much that he forgets what he told me. When I reacted negatively to this, he got angry saying, “That’s just how (unmarried) guys are!” and that I should just get over it!
Part two- I’m sorry this is so long. Now, he is home recovering from orthopedic surgery, high on pain-killers which I think are making him euphuric, and he is acting very much in love with me, I suspect because of how I am taking care of him. He doesn’t realize it, but I am reeling from his latest bit of news. Plus, his whole story surrounding the lap dancing includes some outlandish stories, that if I want to go on, I must just believe, but they are pretty unbelievable. Now, I have come to realize, that our intimate life had always needed to be supplemented. He had admitted to, when taking his marriage vows, he had never intended to remain faithful in the traditional way- the way I had taken it to mean, although now, he has turned over a new leaf.
It seems that now, we have an opportunity to start over again, mainly I think, because of the good feeling generated in him by me taking care of him, plus the uplifting feelings he is getting from the vicodin. My problem is I am so hurt and I know he is sick to death of talking about this. No more chance of doing more counseling. He just isn’t who I thought I married. I am secretly angry at his cavalier attitude towards the whole thing, and I strongly suspect there is more to the stories he is telling me.
My question to you is, how do I handle my feelings and go on, or should I continue the in-house separation that we have been doing on and off for two years?

Its rather possible that your marriage is invalid.
I don’t think he has treated you at all with respect and I can’t help but asking myself why you put up with all this for so long.
Has real seperation or even annullment process crossed your mind?

It sounds to me like the all of a sudden lovey dovey is drug induced. Do you really want to go back to a man who only wants you now because he’s hopped up on painkillers? The damage has long been done. You can easily prove that he had no intention of keeping his marriage vows. There really is no new leaf. A new leaf has to come with remorse. But his telling you to “get over it”…


First, pray. Pray for guidance, patience, and understanding. Pray for your husband as well. And say a prayer for me too. I will pray for you and your husband.

Next, continue or start again with marriage counseling. (If you haven’t already done so, get a referral from your local Priest for a good counselor.) Go by yourself if your husband will not accompany you. Ask your husband to go with you. If he won’t, then ask again every time you go.

Finally, love your husband. It sounds like you are already doing all you can to show your love for him. Taking care of him while he is ill, etc. So continue to do so. Don’t continue your in-house separation. You are married. Live like you are married.

Talk to him. Don’t argue with him. Don’t cry to him. But tell him that you love him and you want him to be 100% faithful to you.

Don’t give another thought to what he did before you were married. What’s the point?

Finally, pray some more. God has put you in a difficult situation and may bring about something wonderful from all this.

Hang in there!

No God did not do such thing, she simply chose a man who turned out to be less than ideal. As for the “something wonderful” part, I tend to distrust fairy tales. OP’s husband shows no hint of remorse, lies to cover his tracks, and gets angry and disrespectful when OP brings up the thorny issue, not great material for God to work with, at least minimal cooperation is required.

You description certainly seems to indicate that an annulment would be granted, but then that’s between you, your husband and the church.

You should see a priest for the best course of action.

I did see a priest. He told me annulment is doubtful because we would have to get people to testify that they saw him do all those things. And he always did them alone. It’s weird, but after spending 35+ years with a person, you have a life that includes good times together, because they were based on lack of knowledge of what was going on outside of the marriage, which he insists was not as constant as I describe it. (I know, that does not make all that much difference.) It is hard living like this, because it seems like our marriage is in the position where we could make it better, but I will always have this other knowledge that I will need to ignore, and put in the past (as advised by our counselor), if I am to make any progress. I guess I will have to accept that my life will never be the same. Although he denies it, I feel that I always needed to be supplemented. By myself, I am not good enough.

I normally don’t say this on CAF but I think he is still keeping things from you and that he is not remorseful for how he has degraded you for years.
You are possibly twice my age… so I’ll say if you were my mom I would wish for you to seperate from that feller. The only reason I can see why you would stay with such a character is because you have thoroughly internalised the feeling that you yourself are inadequate and somehow don’t deserve better. You have become a doormat and he knows that there is no consequences to his actions…

I’d say gather your courage and leave. If he can live in contrition for the next 5-10 years, say that he is extremely sorry, and live a chaste life… then maybe you can consider taking him back.
But the situation as it stands, is unworthy.

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