Nothing has changed

I wrote a post a few months back about wanting to place our fifth baby up for adoption. Although I have tried reasoning that everything will be okay, things are still the same. Steady employment still isn’t there for my husband, things are still wacky around here. organization wise and financial wise. For those who remember, I have panic and anxiety disorder. My OB refuses to try me on meds, so I’m in (unhelpful) therapy. I just cannot take it anymore. We can’t afford this months rent, or car note. Things are beyond stressful. My husband has been taking off for weeks at a time because he has work in our home state to help make ends meet. My stress level is through the roof. He still refuses any idea of placing the baby. I am at the end of my rope with everything, faith included. I really am at a point where I am ready to sign over my parental rights to him and be the one to walk away…
I love my kids, but i am stressed and its unfair to everyone.

I just wanted to update those who took the time to pray for me, find me resources etc… Also, to vent a little. Sorry I don’t have a happier update.:frowning:

TSB4 said:

“My OB refuses to try me on meds, so I’m in (unhelpful) therapy. I just cannot take it anymore.”

Have you explained your emotional situation to your OB? Would medication be OK later in the pregnancy? You might have just a month or two to wait.

Also, take charge of your therapy and ask for very specific things, like what should I do if I am overwhelmed and feel like walking out the door.

“We can’t afford this months rent, or car note. Things are beyond stressful. My husband has been taking off for weeks at a time because he has work in our home state to help make ends meet.”

How about you guys move join him where he is? (I know your mom is in town where you are now, but other than that, it doesn’t sound like you have a lot going for you where you and the kids are now.)

It’s not like you can stay where you are indefinitely without paying the rent.

“My stress level is through the roof. He still refuses any idea of placing the baby.”

You can tell him that you’ll call CPS and/or 911 on yourself if you find yourself not coping. And then do it.

“I am at the end of my rope with everything, faith included. I really am at a point where I am ready to sign over my parental rights to him and be the one to walk away…
I love my kids, but i am stressed and its unfair to everyone.”

Don’t sign over anything permanently to anybody right now (this is almost certainly a temporary situation), but be willing to put your big kids in foster care temporarily. Your husband can’t stop you if he’s not home and if he’s home you can help. Once you’ve delivered your baby and gotten back on meds, life is probably going to look much more manageable.

In the meantime, work on figuring out your housing situation. Call a different government office or charity every day until it’s resolved. Nobody wants to see a mother and five kids chucked out on the street, and they’ll work hard to keep that from happening.

I would also suggest seeing if you can get a call through to Dave Ramsey, the radio personal finance guy. Have a short description of your situation ready (underemployed husband, approximate income, approximate rent, how much owed on car, size of car payment, expecting fifth kid, can’t pay rent, can’t pay car payment, anxiety issues).

If you did sign over the kids to your husband and walked away, he would have five kids to take care of and would probably find it difficult/impossible to work and afford childcare for that many children. He would be a single father on welfare (at least initially), and the family situation would be very difficult to improve. However, if you are able to have some sort of minimally functional relationship, the two of you together can do so much better than that. In fact, right now, you ARE doing much better than that. You have a place to live right now and you’re presumably feeding your kids and he’s managing to work, and it’s very reasonable to expect that in half a year, life will be much better.

By the way, if your medication is incompatible with breastfeeding, I would not choose breastfeeding over appropriate medical treatment.

If you are homeschooling, I would put the big kids in public school.

Best wishes!

Life can be so difficult sometimes.
How very stressful for you, and how very stressful for your husband ( who is working the best he can to keep things together and who is fearful that his wife wants him to give away one of his children, and worried that she herself is ill with stress)

How very stressful and difficult for you both.
I hope you can somehow find a way towards peace and trust, and that economically things will improve, and certainly, continue to stay afloat.
It must be lonely and more difficult for you, when, in order to support his family, your husband isn’t there to help you with the children and all else.

May God give peace to your children and a sense of being safe, and may God inspire you with the healing and graces you need, and your husband with better employment and peace also.
:grouphug: Hugs to you and each member of your family.

TSB4,

I don’t want to minimise your stress at all… but can i suggest that you try not to worry about everything at once at the moment…i know thats probably easy for me to say, but I too have had months of my stress levels going through the roof and chronic anxiety.
I don’t know how to stress enough, that the only thing that got me through is absolute and child like dependence on God.
I gave it all over to Him, one minute at a time, asking Him to get me through the next minute… and the next… and the next hour……
God is in control, of everything… He knows your struggles and that you’re at the end of your strength and ability, so ask Him to take over, to do what you can’t do, to make up the difference.
He also is there to make a bad situation good, if you only trust Him completely.

Our blessed mother is there too… wanting us to ask God’s help through her.

I have found a beautiful novena, called 'Our lady, undoer (or untier) of knots. It has known to be very efficacious for family issues and problems.
I started praying this a week or so ago and I have noticed a huge change in my situations.

It’s hard to come across the right way by just writing, and like I said, I don’t want to make light of your situation. When I read your post, I felt compelled to answer as I remember feeling the same way as you do at times…
I will pray for you that you feel peace and that God will guide you and give you the strength you need.

Here is the link to the novena. It’s called ‘The unfailing’ and rightly so…

theholyrosary.org/maryundoerknots

God bless

I will list some resources. Take what works. Leave the rest for someone else on the forum who could benefit from hearing about it.

Here goes.

There’s unemployment for your husband.

Then, there is TANF, but it’s only temporary.
acf.hhs.gov/programs/ofa/programs/tanf

Food stamps:
gettingfoodstamps.org/

WIC…fns.usda.gov/wic/women-infants-and-children-wic

I wasn’t sure what state you were in. Do a Google on your state and “Energy Assistance”.
Also, try to get on the “budget billing” program and see if they have any of those free enery audit programs that give away free things and teach how to save energy. Talk to your local utilities, find out if they have any programs for people who are having difficulties. Many do.

Food banks:
feedingamerica.org/foodbank-results.aspx

Go to your local Catholic Church and check into the St. Vincent de Paul Society. There is also your local Catholic Social Services.

Here’s a link on United Way. I’ve never tried going through them, but I thought it’d be worth listing. unitedway.org/

Goodwill often has, in addition to the store, programs. Could you call and see if they can do an assessment at their office to evaluate you for communities services. Often, they can give referrals and know the area and resources available.

If I think of anything else, I’ll try to remember to add it on.

That should be at least a start.

Sometimes there are other programs. They used to have things like a Government cheese program where they’d give away groceries, too.

Please, if you’re not on assistance, try that. There are a lot of people who try to get on, don’t have a legitimate need. From the sound of it, you do have a need. That’s what these services are for, for times like these.

Goodwill has a jobs program: goodwill.org/find-jobs-and-services/

Good luck.

I have never actually tried using this link, but it is supposed to have a list of employment agencies.

Here it 'tis.

employmentagencies.org/

In my family, my husband and I have a saying: “Adequate is good enough.” For the time being, it’s totally fine to go into survival mode with your kids. If you have a roof of some kind over their heads and are feeding them regularly and they have clean clothes every week, you’re doing fine for the time being.

Praying for you & your family. Check into Catholic Charities.

Praying for you

Oh yeah, and Medicaid:

medicaid.gov/

CHIP

chipmedicaid.org/ (Medicaid for Children)

Also try St. Vincent DePaul. They have been known to help pay rent.

Keep in touch with those to whom you owe money which you can’t pay. I know someone who works in loans and he said that this was extremely helpful. I myself have noticed the same thing.

Definitely go and get whatever help you can from the state, like Medicaid. A hassle, bit worth it if it relieves some of your stress.

I would definitely not make any permanent decisions right now. I onow that pregnancy and bfing wreaked havic on my emotions and I did not always think so straight. In stead, I told myself that I would re-visit the problem later. Now is not a time to be thinking about putting your baby up for adoption because your eentire thinking is messed up by the stress of your financial situation, lack of meds, pregnancy hormones, and husband being gone so much. It may turn out to be a good idea, it’s just that *now *is not a good time to think about it.

AveMariaMom had good advice. Don’t think about so many different things–think only about one day, or less. Do your children need to go to school tomorrow–that’s all you need to think about now. Tomorrow, call one or two agencies, do a couple of chores, welcome your children home from school, and take them to the park or playground, or at least go outside and play with them.

Just pare your life down to the minimum each day and don’t think about anything not related to that day. Don’t think about the outcomes of anything, either. Every time you start to worry, pray instead, giving it over to God.

I’ll pray for you too, and your family.

Praying for you and your family.

God bless.

I am so sorry. I can’t imagine what stress you must be under. It is immense, I’m sure.
As a military wife, there were times when I was on the other side of the world with no one to help at all, because DH was away on assignments and what not. I was all alone to deal with the children and anything that might come up in a foreign country. It was scary at times.
I prayed. A lot. There were many times when I just lost it though. We aren’t perfect.
I certainly understand wanting to run away. Often felt like that!
I will pray for you.

Thanks for all the positive thoughts.

I’ve had time to think about it, and, really I can’t blame my husband. I had the power to end this pregnancy. I had the power to take birth control. I refused to do either. And now that I’m suffering for those choices, I have to blame myself. There really isn’t anything I can do. He will not relinquish his parental rights to this baby, and if I do, I’ll be the worse mom on the planet.

So, this is my life because of my choices. Because I wanted to believe this is what God wanted. So I have to deal with living a life I don’t want. In misery. Unhappy and suffering from anxiety and panic attacks until the day I die. Awesome.

Not until the day you die! No, it will get better! Hang in there. The devil wants you to believe that nothing can change, but it is not true. People have pointed out some great resources, and I hope you’re able to check them out.

It will be. I accept this. It goes away and comes back. My life has been a series of bad events and unfortunate circumstances since I was born. I imagine, it will continue.

Oh, my dear. Please don’t despair. The apostles had a lot of really truly, sucky, horrible things happen to them, and still found joy. I am NOT saying “Buck up, don’t be sad” because that would be insulting (and stupid). Just remember that God truly is with you, truly loves you, and do what you need to do to hang in there. Love, faith, and hope are ours, through God’s grace; they are yours as well.

I mean this in the least disrespectful way. That all sounds silly to me now. I have been trying to find my way to The Lord for years. Praying. Trying to live the way he would want me to. (Honest, marriage, put my husband and family first. Saying no to terminations, saying no to birth control. Trying NFP.) and honestly, it has brought me heartache. My anxiety has been out of control lately and in honestly find no need to get excited about anything anymore. Everytime I do, a bill goes past due, or a baby is conceived, or panic disorder hits me so hard that I feel like **** even trying to get happy. Wake up and be excited for what? A possible pending eviction? A repoed truck? An unwanted pregnancy? Panic disorder?

TSB4 said:

“There really isn’t anything I can do. He will not relinquish his parental rights to this baby, and if I do, I’ll be the worse mom on the planet.”

Worst mom on the planet is a pretty competitive title.

I bet you’re not even close to worst mom on your block, let alone worst mom on the planet.

There’s an old Woody Allen quote that goes like this, “80% of success in life is just showing up.” If you just show up (and that’s what you’re doing right now), you’ve done 80% of what you need to do today.

“So, this is my life because of my choices. Because I wanted to believe this is what God wanted. So I have to deal with living a life I don’t want. In misery. Unhappy and suffering from anxiety and panic attacks until the day I die. Awesome.”

If you’re around 40, your youngest will leave for kindergarten when you are 45. The US life expectancy for women is about 80. That leaves you 35 whole years to do your own thing. That’s enough. Also, presumably the medical world is going to be getting better and better every year at treating anxiety issues. I would expect that within 10 years, there will be some really amazing breakthroughs.

Once your baby is delivered and you are able to get back on appropriate medication, you won’t even recognize the woman you are now.

Also, think in detail on what it is you want to do with your life when your kids are a little bigger, and start planning that out. To give an example, I have an 18 month old. In about 18 more months, if all goes well, I’ll put her in parent’s day out for two days a week (as I did with her older sibling) and I’ll start putting some serious effort into working on exercise and weight. The next year, when she’s four, we’ll put her into pre-K and I’ll start looking for employment opportunities–I need to make enough to cover her tuition. I’m thinking of working tax season for H & R Block or something similar to that, and then if I like that, I’m thinking of becoming a CPA (which would help a lot with the kids’ college expenses–our oldest is just 6 years away from college). There are no guarantees for any of this, but I have my dream. You work on figuring out your dream and think about what you can do now to achieve it.

Also, I would suggest getting Vicki Iovine’s Girlfriend’s Guide to Getting Your Groove Back, which is aimed at mothers who have growing families, and are starting to think of what the next step is.

amazon.com/Girlfriends-Guide-Getting-Groove-Guides/dp/0399526307

I would skip the weight chapter, as it’s not great reading for a pregnant lady, but all of the rest of it is inspiring.

Best wishes!

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