“My OB refuses to try me on meds, so I’m in (unhelpful) therapy. I just cannot take it anymore.”
Have you explained your emotional situation to your OB? Would medication be OK later in the pregnancy? You might have just a month or two to wait.
Also, take charge of your therapy and ask for very specific things, like what should I do if I am overwhelmed and feel like walking out the door.
“We can’t afford this months rent, or car note. Things are beyond stressful. My husband has been taking off for weeks at a time because he has work in our home state to help make ends meet.”
How about you guys move join him where he is? (I know your mom is in town where you are now, but other than that, it doesn’t sound like you have a lot going for you where you and the kids are now.)
It’s not like you can stay where you are indefinitely without paying the rent.
“My stress level is through the roof. He still refuses any idea of placing the baby.”
You can tell him that you’ll call CPS and/or 911 on yourself if you find yourself not coping. And then do it.
“I am at the end of my rope with everything, faith included. I really am at a point where I am ready to sign over my parental rights to him and be the one to walk away…
I love my kids, but i am stressed and its unfair to everyone.”
Don’t sign over anything permanently to anybody right now (this is almost certainly a temporary situation), but be willing to put your big kids in foster care temporarily. Your husband can’t stop you if he’s not home and if he’s home you can help. Once you’ve delivered your baby and gotten back on meds, life is probably going to look much more manageable.
In the meantime, work on figuring out your housing situation. Call a different government office or charity every day until it’s resolved. Nobody wants to see a mother and five kids chucked out on the street, and they’ll work hard to keep that from happening.
I would also suggest seeing if you can get a call through to Dave Ramsey, the radio personal finance guy. Have a short description of your situation ready (underemployed husband, approximate income, approximate rent, how much owed on car, size of car payment, expecting fifth kid, can’t pay rent, can’t pay car payment, anxiety issues).
If you did sign over the kids to your husband and walked away, he would have five kids to take care of and would probably find it difficult/impossible to work and afford childcare for that many children. He would be a single father on welfare (at least initially), and the family situation would be very difficult to improve. However, if you are able to have some sort of minimally functional relationship, the two of you together can do so much better than that. In fact, right now, you ARE doing much better than that. You have a place to live right now and you’re presumably feeding your kids and he’s managing to work, and it’s very reasonable to expect that in half a year, life will be much better.
By the way, if your medication is incompatible with breastfeeding, I would not choose breastfeeding over appropriate medical treatment.
If you are homeschooling, I would put the big kids in public school.