Obey my husband


#1

My husband is very controlling. He is not abusive in any way but he is very ready to leave me when I don’t do what he wants. My question is : is it my duty to follow him regardless of what I think about any situation.

One current problem is we rent land near (very close) to family. He wants to move. and I agree but he wants to use the last of our savings to buy land. I disagree but have to be cautious of my words because if I dont listen he will leave me. So i am scared to open my mouth. Is it my duty to follow him with my head hung low behind his decision?

I dont think I will say anything to him, but am just curious to the length i have to go to to keep my husband happy.:shrug:


#2

I am sorry, but this is abusive. He will leave you if you disagree with him? :eek:He is not hitting you, but this is emotionally/verbally abusive. He is manipulating you to do what he wants by threatening to leave you. :frowning:

Prayers for you


#3

Why stay with someone who does not respect you and whom you are afraid to be upfront with?


#4

He's not fulfilling his duty as a husband to love you "as Christ loved the Church and gave Himself up for it" what you are describing is an emotionally abusive husband. You need to get away from him, unless you feel it's worth it to stay with someone who does not respect you as imasinner said.


#5

Abuse can take many forms, not just the physical. He is emotionally and psychologically blackmailing you and that is abuse.


#6

Dear Smara,

It sounds like you are very much in an abusive relationship. To live each day worrying that your husband will leave you if you do not obey him is abuse. Please seek counseling immediately. Talk privately to your priest for guidance and then try and bring in your husband if that is what is recommended. We don’t know your financial situation and other personal things that determine your living arrangements so giving specific advise is difficult. Counseling in general seems to really be needed. Please get some help to deal with this situation. OK. I’ll pray for you.

MEMORARE,
Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to thy protection, implored thy help, or sought thy intercession, was left unaided.

Inspired by this confidence, I fly unto thee, O Virgin of virgins, my Mother. To thee do I come; before thee I stand, sinful and sorrowful.
O mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in thy mercy hear and answer me. Amen


#7

If he is threatening to leave you he is not a serious Catholic… and if he is that controlling you should probably seek counseling with a Priest. You may have to leave him and let him know that you might return if he gives you the dignity your deserve. You owe him obedience the same as he owes you his love and “HONOR”. He is supposed to honor you like Christ loves his Church. I do not believe Christ ever threatened to leave…


#8

It is inappropriate for your husband to threaten to leave you. Taken alone, that is emotional abuse.

We don't know the particulars of your situation. Please see a counsellor, someone who can help you assess your situation clearly. The kind of talk you are describing could come from anything from a person who grew up in a family where someone throws around talk of leaving thoughtlessly, just in order to get his or her way but not really meaning harm, let alone meaning that he'd leave, all the way to someone who could pose a grave threat to your life if he were ever really crossed. This is a vitally important question to have answered, but this forum is not the place to hash it out.

Really: find a professional or pastor to talk with immediately, preferably both.


#9

No. Your husband has no right to be so controlling, and manipulative. It is no persons “duty” to surrender their will regardless of what they think about a situation. **Svengali **definitely springs to mind, going from what you have told us about his actions toward you.

If he wants to use the last of your savings to buy land but you disagree, then you have to make it heard. (Whether that through your actions or in words - I’m not sure which would be best as I do not know if your husband is of a gentle nature or if he is hot tempered). But all I can suggest again is to echo what the others on this thread have already said and say that you should seek help with a priest, and/or counsellor. The whole picture needs to be illustrated for an absolute answer here.

At the end of the day, I am certain that no one should feel so isolated, and scared in a relationship, that they fear opening their mouth to their partner. “I have to be cautious of my words because if I dont listen he will leave me. So i am scared to open my mouth.” When I read this it made me very sad. I really do feel for you Smara. You deserve to be shown respect and honour from your husband, not Machiavellian bullying.

You should not have to “follow him head hung low.” Decisions in a marriage should be joint ones, (financial or otherwise) not bullyish, manipulated ones that one member comes to and selfishly stands by alone.


Do you even want to stay with this man?***** I ponder how you can still love someone when they treat you like this? I doubt you would be harshly judged for any actions you took in getting away from this man for a while? Perhaps his threats are empty and it is just his way of getting what he wants? (I think that was suggested in an earlier thread and it could be a valid point.)

Without knowing the full ins and outs of the situation, I cannot be a fair judge. But like we have all said angel, please please PLEASE do not sit on this, address it, speak to a professional, and get the appropriate help.

Our thoughts are with you.xx


#10

[quote="Smara, post:1, topic:191971"]
My husband is very controlling. He is not abusive in any way but he is very ready to leave me when I don't do what he wants.

[/quote]

You've been abused for so long, you don't even recognize when it is happening anymore.

This is abuse.

[quote="Smara, post:1, topic:191971"]
My question is : is it my duty to follow him regardless of what I think about any situation.

[/quote]

No. It isn't.

A Catholic does not vow to "obey" anyone in their marriage vows. A husband is the *spiritual *head of the household (not the *master *of the house). He seems to have abdicated his role as spiritual head-- protector, leader, and imitator of Christ-- through his abuse.

[quote="Smara, post:1, topic:191971"]
One current problem is we rent land near (very close) to family. He wants to move. and I agree but he wants to use the last of our savings to buy land. I disagree but have to be cautious of my words because if I dont listen he will leave me. So i am scared to open my mouth. Is it my duty to follow him with my head hung low behind his decision?

[/quote]

No. It is not your duty to do so.

If he is threatening you and abusing you emotionally, get counseling and get strong. Make a plan regarding the future.

[quote="Smara, post:1, topic:191971"]
I dont think I will say anything to him, but am just curious to the length i have to go to to keep my husband happy.:shrug:

[/quote]

You are like a dog that doesn't even try to avoid its master's kick any more. GET COUNSELING to recognize this for what it is. Abuse.


#11

You need to go talk to a good Priest…


#12

I agree that you need to speak with your priest. Those people closest to you are the one who can really help you with your situation.

I will say this though… Both you and your husband have duties to each other that flow from your roles as husband and wife. If you husband is not living up to his end of the bargain, that does not mean that you don’t have to live up to yours. What I mean is, you do what God says do, even if that man is a jerk, you honor and respect him. If he is abusive and it is best for you to be separate for a while, so be it, but you still honor and respect him, if only because he is your husband.

Many women will automatically jump on the cultural bandwagon of leave him, but many women don’t realize how they themselves and their behavior is part of the problem and in some ways at least the husband is just reacting. *Each situation is different, *and that’s why you need intimate counsel, not from us here. I pray you will find peace.


#13

[quote="Smara, post:1, topic:191971"]
I dont think I will say anything to him, but am just curious to the length i have to go to to keep my husband happy.:shrug:

[/quote]

Hi Smara, -I see that you just joined. Welcome.

As someone else here eluded to in their answer, it is very difficult to respond without knowing many more facts about your relationship, especially specifically to your last sentence (above).

In your own words, you say that your husband is NOT abuse. So, your interpretation has a hint of positiveness to it; now 'emotional' abuse is another aspect all together. But, again, without knowing the whole picture, is the following a possible scenerio?:

It happens sometimes that a husband (with all good intent), has a misguided (and ignorant) understanding of the husband's role, especially from the "old" testament perspective. Does he have a misinformed view that the husband's role 'MUST' be followed by his wife, -(always and completely)-? After today's feast of the Annunciation and Jesus' birth, we will hear in Mathew's gospel of Mary's absolute obedience in following her husband to Egypt. Does hubby see himself as Joseph in this way?

Your hubby MAY be otherwise a very good man, just TOTALLY misdirected. I agree with others that some form of 3rd party councelling would be good. A good priest talking to your husband may just be a good beginning.

As a therapist I have councelled couples with this particular issue, and with prayer, I have often seen good -transformed- results. I will pray most especially for your situation.


#14

Whoa. I must say that I am horrified by several people telling you to leave your husband! You yourself say he is not abusive. It also sounds like he's not a very nice person and I agree with others who have said that he is not loving you like Christ commands husbands to love their wives. That is sad, and that makes your life a lot harder to live with someone who treats you like that. Big hugs!!

BUT... I strongly urge you to not listen to those who are saying this hardship gives you the right to leave your husband. The scriptures are clear that we are to obey our husbands UNLESS, of course, they command us to sin. If he leaves YOU, you aren't bound to chase after him (you can if you want), and you cannot remarry while he's alive. But you would not be sinning if HE chooses to leave YOU. You have no control over that and God would not hold you accountable.

But if he is not physically abusing you or emotionally abusing you to the point that you literally are going to have a major breakdown (which I'm not saying isn't the case - I don't know - but it doesn't sound like it from what you've said)... you do NOT have the right to leave your husband.

In fact, I think you do have a duty to try to make him happy and to obey him and "keep your mouth shut" (I know this is HARD!! I'm working on it, too, trust me!). Let him make the decisions if he wants to, even if they are bad ones. At the end of the day, he is your head and he should be willing to lovingly hear your input, but if he's not, just let it be.

It is our duty as wives to obey our husbands whether they are always nice and patient and ask our input or not.


#15

[quote="TaraJoBean, post:14, topic:191971"]
Whoa. I must say that I am horrified by several people telling you to leave your husband! You yourself say he is not abusive. It also sounds like he's not a very nice person and I agree with others who have said that he is not loving you like Christ commands husbands to love their wives. That is sad, and that makes your life a lot harder to live with someone who treats you like that. Big hugs!!

BUT... I strongly urge you to not listen to those who are saying this hardship gives you the right to leave your husband. The scriptures are clear that we are to obey our husbands UNLESS, of course, they command us to sin. If he leaves YOU, you aren't bound to chase after him (you can if you want), and you cannot remarry while he's alive. But you would not be sinning if HE chooses to leave YOU. You have no control over that and God would not hold you accountable.

But if he is not physically abusing you or emotionally abusing you to the point that you literally are going to have a major breakdown (which I'm not saying isn't the case - I don't know - but it doesn't sound like it from what you've said)... you do NOT have the right to leave your husband.

In fact, I think you do have a duty to try to make him happy and to obey him and "keep your mouth shut" (I know this is HARD!! I'm working on it, too, trust me!). Let him make the decisions if he wants to, even if they are bad ones. At the end of the day, he is your head and he should be willing to lovingly hear your input, but if he's not, just let it be.

It is our duty as wives to obey our husbands whether they are always nice and patient and ask our input or not.

[/quote]

Tara has reiterated what I was alluding too above also. Great way of putting it. :thumbsup:

We are Christian women, and we play by different rules than the world does at times. This is one of those occasions.


#16

[quote="Smara, post:1, topic:191971"]
My husband is very controlling. He is not abusive in any way but he is very ready to leave me when I don't do what he wants. My question is : is it my duty to follow him regardless of what I think about any situation.

One current problem is we rent land near (very close) to family. He wants to move. and I agree but he wants to use the last of our savings to buy land. I disagree but have to be cautious of my words because if I dont listen he will leave me. So i am scared to open my mouth. Is it my duty to follow him with my head hung low behind his decision?

I dont think I will say anything to him, but am just curious to the length i have to go to to keep my husband happy.:shrug:

[/quote]

I have a couple of personal questions. Please do not answer them here if they are intrusive. It's for you to think about.

How much money do you have in savings and how long did it take to build that? If you spend that down, what is left for emergencies? Do you have retirement savings? Do you know your net worth? What about credit card debt or student loans? When you move, will you have stable employment that pays well enough that you can replenish your savings?

I'm going to repeat something that the priest who married us said. He said to be careful about money b/c there is nothing like it for breaking people up. And to me there is a big difference say if you are talking 3,000.00, which maybe can be built up again if you tighten your budget, and 30,000.00, which would be a significant loss of savings that would probably take some time to replace.

Rather than thinking about leaving him at this point, I think a good first move would be to find a financial counselor and lay out the money issues in your marriage and see where you stand. That can probably be done in a session or two. It's a concern that he's not listening to your desire to keep money in savings. Taking financial risks that you aren't sure about can be frightening.

take care and good luck.


#17

Your husband is abusive. Even if he is not hitting you, he is making you feel like you have to walk on eggshells and deny your humanity. You can’t even voice an opinion about whether you want to you use your life savings to buy land?!

It sounds like your husband is manipulating you to get you to do as he says. If he was going to leave, he would have already.


#18

You’ve gotten some good advice, so I won’t repeat what others have said here. As someone who was in a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship (that eventually became sexually abusive, as well), I can tell you that I understand your fear and what you’re going through.

Please, please, please pray about this and seek the counsel of a priest you trust and talk about your situation. Not only can it help to talk, but a priest can guide you in the right course of action for your specific situation (which we don’t know).

Know that I am praying for you, and please let us know how things are going! God bless you!


#19

[quote="Smara, post:1, topic:191971"]
My husband is very controlling. He is not abusive in any way but he is very ready to leave me when I don't do what he wants. My question is : is it my duty to follow him regardless of what I think about any situation.

One current problem is we rent land near (very close) to family. He wants to move. and I agree but he wants to use the last of our savings to buy land. I disagree but have to be cautious of my words because if I dont listen he will leave me. So i am scared to open my mouth. Is it my duty to follow him with my head hung low behind his decision?

I dont think I will say anything to him, but am just curious to the length i have to go to to keep my husband happy.:shrug:

[/quote]

Don't you ever DARE let anyone silence your voice! Get a priest, get a shrink, get a plan of action, get an additional shrink. Savvy? When he threatens you, the correct response is "Bite me".

I will pray for you. :)


#20

This is not the most popular passage in the Bible, but it's there in black and white, inspired by the Holy Spirit:

Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

(Ephesians 5:22-33)

Those are pretty clear words. And it is a pretty strong way to put it for Paul to say, "Wives, submit to your husbands as [you would / do] to the LORD."

To submit means to give over or yield all authority to your husband. He IS the head of the wife (not just spiritually), as Christ is the head of the Church. He has the authority to make the decisions (which does NOT mean they are always - or even often - wise ones. He is a sinful man, and some are more sinful than others!), but scripture is clear that he has the authority and wives must submit to their husbands in everything.

Don't let the devil tempt you by making you feel oppressed by this! When you give yourself over to this truth, it is actually very liberating to know that these decisions are NOT your problem. They may cause you problems in the short-run, but it is not your problem to stress out and worry about what your husband does. Just support him & respect his decisions. God will be pleased by your submission, and he will reward you (sometimes with a happier marriage!).

Also, I want to add a little sidenote that if your husband would be totally unwilling to seek counseling, don't let this be a point of argument either. If you know he would be totally opposed, don't even go there. And don't let that closed door be another source of despair for you! (I speak from personal experience.) Try putting your effort into making your husband happy, submitting to him as the scriptures teach, and respecting him. Keep at it! Do your part as best you can (though you may fail at times) and PRAY for your husband & your marriage, and let God work.

Hugs again!!


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