Obeying my husband


#1

*Hi everyone. I am seeking some guidance and advice about how to obey my husband.
(Please keep in mind I am not starting this thread to debate whether I should or should not be obeying him. If you want to debate this please start a different thread or search the forums for other threads on this subject.)

I have been thinking about this a lot over the years of my marriage and have not really been able to resolve it on my own.
I want nothing more than to be obedient to my husband. I believe this is what God calls me to be. Yes, I was raised in a somewhat very sheltered life but since hearing from others about different perspectives it does not change this.
The way I understand it is that a wife should have blind obedience to the husband and that the husband should be the leader. Yes, it is scary, but I find such a subtle sweetness in this surrender and it does something to my very soul that I find hard to describe and I can not help but surrender to ....
But, I have learned that even though my husband is willing to be the leader he is also very sensitive to the fact that he does not want me to "feel" like I am being subjected to this. I do believe he went to great lengths to make sure I was choosing to live this way of my own free will. But sometimes I "think" his "sensitivity", while being very loving and appreciated, causes me some confusion.
The one area in our relationship I am having trouble sorting out and maybe some one here can help me understand better is this.
He does want me to use my own judgment and he tries really hard to not just tell me to do or not to do certain things but I find it hard to just go with my decision.
For some reason I know sometimes my choices or ways of doing things are not how he would have "preferred" I do them but he never explicitly says "don't do it that way" so I go with my decision even though my intuition told me he would have preferred I did not do it the way I chose.
This makes me "feel" am I somehow not showing him the obedience I should be. I had to ask him the other night that if he really did not want me to follow my decision and go with his would he point blankly tell me?
He did say he would.
But I wonder ....is he just saying this because he does not want me to "feel" like I am being "subjected" to his will?.......
So I wonder some more, should my decision be to following my intuition and just go with what I believe he would be wanting me to do or do I take him at his word and wait for him to point blankly tell me when he wants me to follow his lead...

I believe that what I am asking is should I trust my judgment and wait for him to point blankly tell me what he does and does not want me to do or should I trust and follow my intuition and do what I believe he wants me to do or not to do?

I so hope and pray this makes some sense. Any help in trying to sort this out would be greatly appreciated. If you need me to clarify anything please let me know.*


#2

Take him at his word. He wants you to trust his judgement and learn how to manage things yourself.
Now, that said, I would strongly recommend you read what the Church has to say on this subject in Casti Connubii.
27. This subjection, however, does not deny or take away the liberty which fully belongs to the woman both in view of her dignity as a human person, and in view of her most noble office as wife and mother and companion; nor does it bid her obey her husband's every request if not in harmony with right reason or with the dignity due to wife; nor, in fine, does it imply that the wife should be put on a level with those persons who in law are called minors, to whom it is not customary to allow free exercise of their rights on account of their lack of mature judgment, or of their ignorance of human affairs. But it forbids that exaggerated liberty which cares not for the good of the family; it forbids that in this body which is the family, the heart be separated from the head to the great detriment of the whole body and the proximate danger of ruin. For if the man is the head, the woman is the heart, and as he occupies the chief place in ruling, so she may and ought to claim for herself the chief place in love.

vatican.va/holy_father/pius_xi/encyclicals/documents/hf_p-xi_enc_31121930_casti-connubii_en.html


#3

I am a man. I understand that in the end when a decision has to be made there can be no further dissent and there can only be one leader. But its not a one way street. In the bible its clear that before he comes to a decision a man needs to clearly have everyones best intrests at heart and has taken fully into account his wifes opinions. She is not passive or submissive but an equal in discussion and opinion but when a clear decision is made the husband should have final say and if he is wise and thoughtfull and in any doubt look to pray for any inspiration. If a husband is not fulfilling his role properly then it could be problematic but even then i suppose if the wife follows the husbands wishes provided they are not clearly sinfull she cannot be held to fault. But in no way does the bible say just shut up and do what you are told. I hope this makes sense.


#4

Holy Cow. So glad I am not married. Maybe this is what St. Paul meant when he talked about how a married woman must be worried about what her husband thinks whereas a single woman need only concern herself with being holy in heart and body. It seems a bit complicated to me.


#5

I don't understand what's difficult in just coming to compromises. I never promised to obey my husband when I got married in the Catholic church. Maybe that's why your life is so complicated! I respect him and what he has to say but he does in turn, so we're both interested genuinely in what the other person wants.


#6

[quote="Anna_jane, post:2, topic:230761"]
Take him at his word. He wants you to trust his judgement and learn how to manage things yourself.
Now, that said, I would strongly recommend you read what the Church has to say on this subject in Casti Connubii.
27. This subjection, however, does not deny or take away the liberty which fully belongs to the woman both in view of her dignity as a human person, and in view of her most noble office as wife and mother and companion; nor does it bid her obey her husband's every request if not in harmony with right reason or with the dignity due to wife; nor, in fine, does it imply that the wife should be put on a level with those persons who in law are called minors, to whom it is not customary to allow free exercise of their rights on account of their lack of mature judgment, or of their ignorance of human affairs.

[/quote]

*Thank you Anna jane for the link. I will have to read it when I get a sec but i was wondering about the part that I emphasized. Do you know what is meant by "right reason." *

[quote="Anna_jane, post:2, topic:230761"]
But it forbids that exaggerated liberty which cares not for the good of the family; it forbids that in this body which is the family, the heart be separated from the head to the great detriment of the whole body and the proximate danger of ruin. For if the man is the head, the woman is the heart, and as he occupies the chief place in ruling, so she may and ought to claim for herself the chief place in love.

[/quote]

*I am going to dwell on this. I love the thought of being the heart and I believe this role is what I am trying to understand more clearly....

God bless and please keep me in your prayers..*


#7

What a lot of pressure to put on your husband. Are you sure he WANTS all that pressure? Most guys I know like it when their wives are somewhat responsible enough to make decisions on things on their own.

What is something happened to him? Could you cope and make the decisions that needed to be made?

My favorite quote regarding this is from the movie "My Big Fat Greek Wedding":

The mother, Maria, states, "The man is the head, but the woman is the neck. And she can turn the head any way she wants. " :thumbsup:


#8

[quote="thirddec, post:3, topic:230761"]
I am a man. I understand that in the end when a decision has to be made there can be no further dissent and there can only be one leader. But its not a one way street. In the bible its clear that before he comes to a decision a man needs to clearly have everyones best intrests at heart and has taken fully into account his wifes opinions. She is not passive or submissive but an equal in discussion and opinion but when a clear decision is made the husband should have final say and if he is wise and thoughtfull and in any doubt look to pray for any inspiration. If a husband is not fulfilling his role properly then it could be problematic but even then i suppose if the wife follows the husbands wishes provided they are not clearly sinfull she cannot be held to fault. But in no way does the bible say just shut up and do what you are told. I hope this makes sense.

[/quote]

Dear thirddec,
It does make sense but please understand that I do have all trust and confidence that my husband does have the families best interest at heart.
He has also gone to great lengths to help me understand that he does want my input. Whether or not he uses it. I believe what I have come to understand is that he tends to needs someone to kind of bounce things off of. He does this by talking to me and getting my opinion. He also encourages me to just share my ideas or thoughts with him because as he says he can't think of everything.
I hope this makes more sense.


#9

[quote="rachael_maria, post:4, topic:230761"]
Holy Cow. So glad I am not married.
Maybe this is what St. Paul meant when he talked about how a married woman must be worried about what her husband thinks whereas a single woman need only concern herself with being holy in heart and body. It seems a bit complicated to me.

[/quote]

You know rachael marie, it does seem to be complicated but I believe you might have given me a very clear answer to what I am trying to understand.
Do you know where in the bible St. Paul says this?


#10

I think you are only looking at half of the equation. The bible also tells husbands to love your wife. It sounds to me like your husband is trying to love you by developing your sense of making decisions to build you up. I think the problem is you don't know how to let your husband love you. (Meant in a respectfull way)

CM


#11

[quote="cmscms, post:10, topic:230761"]
I think you are only looking at half of the equation. The bible also tells husbands to love your wife. It sounds to me like your husband is trying to love you by developing your sense of making decisions to build you up. I think the problem is you don't know how to let your husband love you. (Meant in a respectfull way)

CM

[/quote]

*I personally have no doubt in my mind that my husband loves me.
But, if you do not mind PM me, could you elaborate for me how I might not know how to let my husband love me? *


#12

1 Corinthians 7:25-39

"If you marry you do not sin and if a girl marries she does not sin. Yet those who marry will have worldly troubles, and I would spare you that." (vs28)

"I want you to be free from anxieties. The unmarried man is anxious about the affairs of the Lord, how to please the Lord; but the married man is anxious about worldly affairs, how to please his wife, and his interests are divided. And the unmarried woman or virgin is anxious about the affairs of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit; but the married woman is anxious about worldly affairs, how to please her husband..." (vs32-34)

Of course, this is not to say that people can not become holy through marriage- not St.
Paul's point at all. I am just saying that your post reminded me of this passage and made me grateful for my singleness. God bless you.


#13

[quote="rachael_maria, post:12, topic:230761"]
1 Corinthians 7:25-39

"If you marry you do not sin and if a girl marries she does not sin. Yet those who marry will have worldly troubles, and I would spare you that." (vs28)

"I want you to be free from anxieties. The unmarried man is anxious about the affairs of the Lord, how to please the Lord; but the married man is anxious about worldly affairs, how to please his wife, and his interests are divided. And the unmarried woman or virgin is anxious about the affairs of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit; but the married woman is anxious about worldly affairs, how to please her husband..." (vs32-34)

Of course, this is not to say that people can not become holy through marriage- not St.
Paul's point at all. I am just saying that your post reminded me of this passage and made me grateful for my singleness. God bless you.

[/quote]

*Thank you Rachael Maria,
Reading the whole verse makes what others are saying more clear...
I believe I am beginning to understand that Unitive Love thing between a man and woman on a whole different level now.

God bless you too and please keep me in your prayers.... *


#14

Funny movie, but this is sort of nonsense ^


#15

[quote="simple_soul, post:1, topic:230761"]
*Hi everyone. I am seeking some guidance and advice about how to obey my husband.
(Please keep in mind I am not starting this thread to debate whether I should or should not be obeying him. If you want to debate this please start a different thread or search the forums for other threads on this subject.)

I have been thinking about this a lot over the years of my marriage and have not really been able to resolve it on my own.
I want nothing more than to be obedient to my husband. I believe this is what God calls me to be. Yes, I was raised in a somewhat very sheltered life but since hearing from others about different perspectives it does not change this.
The way I understand it is that a wife should have blind obedience to the husband and that the husband should be the leader. Yes, it is scary, but I find such a subtle sweetness in this surrender and it does something to my very soul that I find hard to describe and I can not help but surrender to ....
But, I have learned that even though my husband is willing to be the leader he is also very sensitive to the fact that he does not want me to "feel" like I am being subjected to this. I do believe he went to great lengths to make sure I was choosing to live this way of my own free will. But sometimes I "think" his "sensitivity", while being very loving and appreciated, causes me some confusion.
The one area in our relationship I am having trouble sorting out and maybe some one here can help me understand better is this.
He does want me to use my own judgment and he tries really hard to not just tell me to do or not to do certain things but I find it hard to just go with my decision.
For some reason I know sometimes my choices or ways of doing things are not how he would have "preferred" I do them but he never explicitly says "don't do it that way" so I go with my decision even though my intuition told me he would have preferred I did not do it the way I chose.
This makes me "feel" am I somehow not showing him the obedience I should be. I had to ask him the other night that if he really did not want me to follow my decision and go with his would he point blankly tell me?
He did say he would.
But I wonder ....is he just saying this because he does not want me to "feel" like I am being "subjected" to his will?.......
So I wonder some more, should my decision be to following my intuition and just go with what I believe he would be wanting me to do or do I take him at his word and wait for him to point blankly tell me when he wants me to follow his lead...

I believe that what I am asking is should I trust my judgment and wait for him to point blankly tell me what he does and does not want me to do or should I trust and follow my intuition and do what I believe he wants me to do or not to do?

I so hope and pray this makes some sense. Any help in trying to sort this out would be greatly appreciated. If you need me to clarify anything please let me know.*

[/quote]

It's the "blind obedience" thing that is troubling to read........why did God give you a brain and the ability to think and reason? Obedience and "blind obedience" are two very different things! Are you an adult or a small child? Are you his partner in life (and marriage, of course), or are you a small, ignorant child that needs to be led around because you have no sense? Come on, honey, wake up! Your husband is asking for your input on things, he's respectful, he loves you! Why are YOU trying to put yourself down? He certainly isn't!
You have this "view" of blind obedience that comes from some Protestant, fundamentalist sects/cults, not from true Catholic teaching! Why should you wait for him to point-blank tell you what to do? He's not your boss, he's your spouse! He is the head of the family and that means that when things come to an impasse, as long as it doesn't involve you (or your children sinning), then you submit to his leadership! It doesn't mean that you must ask him if you can be excused from the table and go to the restroom!

Perhaps I'm a bit harsh with my reply, but it appears that you are questioning if obedience (and submission) mean you must have his permission to walk in or out of a room.....let alone anything else.

I would guess he married you because he loves you. He married a woman, not a little child that can't think or reason on their ow. . Don't disappoint him by not acting like that child...act like the intelligent woman he married!!


#16

[quote="simple_soul, post:6, topic:230761"]
*Thank you Anna jane for the link. I will have to read it when I get a sec but i was wondering about the part that I emphasized. Do you know what is meant by "right reason." *

*I am going to dwell on this. I love the thought of being the heart and I believe this role is what I am trying to understand more clearly....

God bless and please keep me in your prayers..*

[/quote]

I think "right reason" refers to things that aren't necessarily immoral, but still aren't totally reasonable requests. Like commanding that you talk in babytalk all the time, or make a meal when you're sick in bed with pneumonia, or something like that. But hopefully, your husband is a good man and this won't ever be an issue. :D


#17

[quote="ThereseOfRoses, post:15, topic:230761"]
It's the "blind obedience" thing that is troubling to read........why did God give you a brain and the ability to think and reason? Obedience and "blind obedience" are two very different things! Are you an adult or a small child? Are you his partner in life (and marriage, of course), or are you a small, ignorant child that needs to be led around because you have no sense? Come on, honey, wake up! Your husband is asking for your input on things, he's respectful, he loves you! Why are YOU trying to put yourself down? He certainly isn't!
You have this "view" of blind obedience that comes from some Protestant, fundamentalist sects/cults, not from true Catholic teaching! Why should you wait for him to point-blank tell you what to do? He's not your boss, he's your spouse! He is the head of the family and that means that when things come to an impasse, as long as it doesn't involve you (or your children sinning), then you submit to his leadership! It doesn't mean that you must ask him if you can be excused from the table and go to the restroom!

Perhaps I'm a bit harsh with my reply, but it appears that you are questioning if obedience (and submission) mean you must have his permission to walk in or out of a room.....let alone anything else.

I would guess he married you because he loves you. He married a woman, not a little child that can't think or reason on their ow. . Don't disappoint him by not acting like that child...act like the intelligent woman he married!!

[/quote]

Oops! Needed to edit for spelling/clarity:

I would guess he married you because he loves you. He married a woman, not a little child that can't think or reason on their own. . Don't disappoint him by acting like that child...act like the intelligent woman he married!!


#18

[quote="ChiRho, post:14, topic:230761"]
Funny movie, but this is sort of nonsense ^

[/quote]

Is is really nonsense? The smart woman is the one who knows what she wants, but makes the husband feels like it was HIS decision to do that! Both are happy! Hence, the "neck turning the head". HE is still in charge, but SHE was smart enough to let HIM believe HE decided it! :D


#19

You will only fulfill your potential as a wife when you become authentically you.

You cannot just live through someone else and really contribute to a marriage and family. Your opinions, thoughts, conclusions, preferences are not only valid - they are so valuable that holding them back is a really a major problem.

You seem to want to give up control of your life - maybe because it's easier? You won't have to make any decisions that way? It's almost a little lazy, to be harsh.

You have to bring yourself to your husband, not become his shadow. He doesn't want to be married to a copy of himself or a maid or a pushover. He wants a relationship with a fellow adult.


#20

[quote="Catholic90, post:18, topic:230761"]
Is is really nonsense? The smart woman is the one who knows what she wants, but makes the husband feels like it was HIS decision to do that! Both are happy! Hence, the "neck turning the head". HE is still in charge, but SHE was smart enough to let HIM believe HE decided it! :D

[/quote]

I'm not sure if you're joking or not, but if not, then a deceitful and cunning marriage as described above is certainly not a Christian marriage as described in scripture.


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