Obsessed with Boyfriend - Female Advice Please


#1

I've been dating my boyfriend for over seven months, I always felt we had a healthy relationship, but lately I feel as if I'm obsessing over him. I can't seem to shake this horrible anxiety surrounding the relationship, which makes me question whether he loves me and forces me to practically stalk him online.

Even as I write this I become very embarrassed at my behaviour. It is very unlike me to do such things and I don't want to cause any hurt/worry to my boyfriend, who I consider a great friend too.

In any case, I was hoping some women could impart their advice on maintaining a healthy relationship. A male opinion would also be helpful as I am genuinely in need of advice.

Thanking any contributors in advance,
Belinda


#2

please flesh out this picture a little. here are some questions i have;

are you typically obsessive over other things?
has your boyfriend given you reason to distrust him?
how old are you and he?
does your boyfriend know about being stalked?
how does your boyfriend react to your obsessive behaviors?

observation: eight months seems too quick for a dating relationship to have entered "he loves me" stage, nevermind the "i think he doesn't love me anymore stage."


#3

It is not unusual to start acting like this when you sense a relationship is ending, but everyone is still pretending that it is not. This can happen both when you have started drifting out (but in your mind’s mythology you can’t cope with your fantasy ending) as much as when he has. It happens most often when both people love each other and think the other person would make a great life partner…for someone else. It takes a long time to convince yourself that you are not an idiot for even considering that the world’s best husband or wife may not be destined to be yours.

It is not unusual to feel as if the relationship is ending when in fact your friend has simply started to take you for granted, too. It also happens when the “bloom” is off, and the “honeymoon” phase switches to something more humane and reasonable.

You can’t know which one you’re dealing with. You just have to recognize that you feel insecure and don’t know why, and decide how you’re going to cope with that. Probably the best thing you can do is to deal with that. Do the things that put you back into a healthy sense of yourself. Exercise enough. That helps mood. Eat right, get enough sleep. Get out of yourself: get out with your own friends and with your family, tend to other relationships in addition to the one with your boyfriend, volunteer in activities where you are in contact with people, and do things as a couple with other friends. Take the load off of him to provide your world. It will let your relationship have some healthy room.

Nothing is forcing you to stalk him. Just say no. That is not a good idea.


#4

You’re brave for posting here. Congrats. I’m a guy so you can take my advice as you want. I would just say to be a little careful about not overwhelming him. sometimes guys don’t like it if you come on too strong. you’re doing good though. peace.


#5

[quote="monicatholic, post:2, topic:202679"]
please flesh out this picture a little. here are some questions i have;

are you typically obsessive over other things?
has your boyfriend given you reason to distrust him?
how old are you and he?
does your boyfriend know about being stalked?
how does your boyfriend react to your obsessive behaviors?

observation: eight months seems too quick for a dating relationship to have entered "he loves me" stage, nevermind the "i think he doesn't love me anymore stage."

[/quote]

No I'm not an obsessive person, I never was. My boyfriend is very loyal to me but lately he has been unusally cold. I know he isn't cheating on me because he would never consider doing so. He is 20 and I'm 19, and I hope he doesn't know I'm stalking him.

He's very much an island. He likes time to himself and I do too, which suited us both originally. However now I want to be near him all the time which I recognise is unhealthy.


#6

I just want to thank Phil8888 and EasterJoy for their replies.

In relation to EasterJoy, I don't think I could handle him giving up on me, I hope it's just me being silly


#7

In almost all young relationships, one person is more attached than the other. It does not mean the ‘less attached’ person is not in love, they just may feel more secure in themselves and their lives outside of the relationship.

In your case, it is important to have boundries. Make a point for awhile to not be the first to call or text each day. Make a point to not bother him at all while he is at work. Make a point to start doing something for girls only (bible study, exercise class, anything you enjoy) so that you have a clear, enjoyable regular activity without him.

The stronger you are, the more you enjoy yourself the less likely you will be to drive him away. More importantly, the more likely you will be to enjoy yourself and be happy…even on days when you are not in contact with him.

In addition, if you do not marry, the relationship will end at some point. Most people do not date forever. You have to be comfortable knowing that IF this happens (ending) it will not be the end of you. You love him, care for him and want to be with him. Nothing wrong with that…but you cannot control him (as my kids would say: You’re not the boss of him).

AnnGrace


#8

[quote="benny_f, post:6, topic:202679"]
I just want to thank Phil8888 and EasterJoy for their replies.

In relation to EasterJoy, I don't think I could handle him giving up on me, I hope it's just me being silly

[/quote]

Yes, you could handle him giving up on you. If you think you can't, then that is being silly. You could stand it if he had to move somewhere that you could not follow. You could handle it if you went on to marry and your marriage went through a rough spot and he was on the insane outs for awhile. You could even handle it if, God forbid, the dear man were to die a premature death. There are no guarantees in this life, except that God can get us through anything. Choose to believe that. Choose to live that. Everyone will be happier, especially you. Anything else is a house built on sand. It is only a matter of time before it washes out from under you.

God should be your everything, and God should be his everything, but other than Jesus Christ there is not a human being who has ever walked on the earth that can be that for you. Excepting the Persons of the Trinity, you can live without any single person, if you have to.

I will be blunt: "I don't think I could handle it if you gave up on me" is precisely the kind of silliness that is deal-breaker for mature people. In spite of what the songs say, very few people can stand to be someone else's "everything", let alone want it. Of the people who want that, a fair number are more controlling than a sane person would even consider making into a mate. I'm sure you mean it in the most devoted sort of way. It is not unhealthy to feel that way. It is the most natural feeling in the world! That's not the problem. Deciding to think or act that way, though, is a piece of romantic nonsense to get rid of right now. You both deserve better than that.

It is vital for the life of a relationship for each person to have a support system of people they love and are loved by other than their spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend. We are meant to be one...as the Body of Christ. Married couples are one flesh, but even they still live the one common life of the baptised. Even non-Christians need the one common life of a community of their peers, people with a common purpose. Stay far from anyone who wants your life as a couple to be insulated from the greater circle that holds you up. That means "we each have a life outside of this relationship."

This is something that people who have been around the block realize: It is wonderful to never have to live without the one person you have ever truly loved, but it isn't a necessity. That is in fact very rare. Furthermore, the couples that have that never have it by mutual insecurity. They have it through mutual security, and through the happy blessing of an enduring common purpose. A couple cannot force it to happen, any more than a person can force another person to always like them. There are couples who try. They are miserable.

The next time your boyfriend acts "cold" towards you, talk to him about it. (Successful couples call this "communication". Very important. :rolleyes:) I would suggest something like this: "Jeff, that was kind of rude....that isn't like you. Is there something you need to talk to me about? Do you need more room? Or if I did something that irritates you, just tell me." Maybe he'll say it has nothing to do with you. Even if you don't believe him, let that be his answer. In any event, say, "Well, fine, if it's anything I can help with, let me know. In the meantime, though, lighten up on how you treat me, if you don't mind." Do not let him off the hook on any ill treatment. Talk it over. Come to an understanding. Even if you don't agree on exactly what is and isn't allowed, at the very least have your differences out in the open. Know what is an isn't negotiable. If he needs room, he needs to ask for it, not mistreat you until you're driven off. You are a grown woman, not a pet.

Yes. I'm saying you should NOT ask him "Don't you love me anymore?" That is an impossible question to answer correctly!! No matter what he says, you won't believe him, or not for long. Even if his answer is "well, now that you mention it, no, I don't love you", you've put him on the spot to say something that he should have chosen to say in his own way and at his own time. No good things follow that question. Don't ever ask it.

Invite him to ask for more room, instead. Invite him to decide what involvement in this problem he does and does not want from you. Invite him to come out and tell you when you're being annoying. Insist that he deal with you directly, as will be necessary for you to have a happy future....or to have the least miserable break-up. In either case, no matter what the issue really is, he will know that it is his welfare you are concerned with. That is very endearing.

No, speaking directly isn't easy. You can do it, though, and you will find it the best way to a secure relationship. No matter how long it lasts, you'll know where you stand as much as anyone ever can.

Good luck. You can do it! :thumbsup:


#9

This relationship will only end in hurt for you even if you stay with him and managed to get married. You are extremely attached to him and he isnt returning the emotions. You got into the relationship thinking you could hold back your emotions or if this is your first relationship then you had no clue how you would react to the emotion of being in love, making this a good learning experience for the future. You love that he is distant. The distance makes him someone you want to win over to you. It is a challenge. What happens though is that you can take it too far and become obsessed and dependent on him because you have created an idealized view of him and an expectation that he feel the same way. You dont stalk him because you love him but because you fell for his distance and feel like you have no control over him which you try to find by knowing everything about him and checking up on what he is doing.

The moment you end this relationship and cut ties with this person you will go back to your old self. The key is to make that break. If you break it with him it will be much easier since it is an act of the will. There is a confidence in breaking up yourself. If he does it you will be an emotional wreck since it will be hard to give up the idealized image of the man you fell for. You need to look out for the future and find someone that you love that doesnt have the personality this guy has. He may be a nice guy and you are a good girl. However, the personalities just dont match up for a healthy relationship. Your obsessiveness will only get worse over time. If this guy and yourself are good friends and share a lot of common friends I would advise to end it now before your friends start to pick up on your obsessive behavior and start to distance themselves from you.

I feel sorry for you. This is a bad situation. You can only try to not let it happen in the future. At the beginning it feels great and you have great confidence and you feel normal. But over time when his initial honeymoon with you fades and all you have is the distance you love then you try to maintain that challenge and feeling which leads to controlling behavior. Just feel good you know about it now so you can end it before it gets really bad. You are 19 and have loads of time to find someone that doesnt have a personality that makes you obsessive.


#10

[quote="mjs1987, post:9, topic:202679"]
I feel sorry for you. This is a bad situation. You can only try to not let it happen in the future....

[/quote]

I wouldn't be quite so grim about it as all of that! The OP may just be going through her first phase of the clingys. That sometimes happens to otherwise normal people in otherwise healthy relationships. It is possible that her balloon can be brought back down to sanity, if she keeps her head.

The OP will have to learn to take her boyfriend as he is, and not as she very much wishes he would be. I think that is something a great many people are capable of, when they learn to look at it that way. She probably can, too.


#11

[quote="EasterJoy, post:10, topic:202679"]
I wouldn't be quite so grim about it as all of that! The OP may just be going through her first phase of the clingys. That sometimes happens to otherwise normal people in otherwise healthy relationships. It is possible that her balloon can be brought back down to sanity, if she keeps her head.

The OP will have to learn to take her boyfriend as he is, and not as she very much wishes he would be. I think that is something a great many people are capable of, when they learn to look at it that way. She probably can, too.

[/quote]

When you need to stalk someone you love and keep tabs on them it is a bad situation. She said she couldnt handle him leaving her. She is dependent on him and is committed to the relationship for the long term. When the relationship started they shared a lot in common and it worked out. Over time she changed and he didnt. She doesnt like that he hasnt changed his feelings and emotions to match hers but she became too attached to him and dependent to do anything so she became obsessive and controlling in the name of preserving the relationship instead of recognizing that he may not be her type in a serious relationship.

Obsessive behavior and anxiety is just as much a warning to ourselves that this relationship is going south. Her emotions are not being returned and the only way to change this is to give up her feelings for him until she feels they are being returned. The inherent problem in this though is that it becomes a cycle. As soon as they get back together she will re-gain her feelings again and she will find herself back to where she started. It is best to find someone that returns her love. Her mind is warning her that the frustration of trying to get past the island that her boyfriend is not healthy and harming her mental health. Clingy behavior is not stalking and obsessive behavior.


#12

[quote="mjs1987, post:11, topic:202679"]
When you need to stalk someone you love and keep tabs on them it is a bad situation. She said she couldnt handle him leaving her. She is dependent on him and is committed to the relationship for the long term. When the relationship started they shared a lot in common and it worked out. Over time she changed and he didnt. She doesnt like that he hasnt changed his feelings and emotions to match hers but she became too attached to him and dependent to do anything so she became obsessive and controlling in the name of preserving the relationship instead of recognizing that he may not be her type in a serious relationship.

Obsessive behavior and anxiety is just as much a warning to ourselves that this relationship is going south. Her emotions are not being returned and the only way to change this is to give up her feelings for him until she feels they are being returned. The inherent problem in this though is that it becomes a cycle. As soon as they get back together she will re-gain her feelings again and she will find herself back to where she started. It is best to find someone that returns her love. Her mind is warning her that the frustration of trying to get past the island that her boyfriend is not healthy and harming her mental health. Clingy behavior is not stalking and obsessive behavior.

[/quote]

Maybe. But she is a bit new at this game. As for online "stalking", it is too easy and too tempting to make it out to be as if the person were physically keeping the object of their affections under surveillance. And let's face it: at 19 or 20, there are normal people who've even done that once. They feel stupid and embarrassed, and they don't do it again. The worry starts when the person starts thinking this is OK behavior. The OP doesn't.

You may as well judge whether you have a Lance Armstrong on your hands the first time someone gets on a bike. Her boyfriend hasn't ditched her. He's just acting annoyed. It is probably because for the first time in seven months, she's getting a little annoying. After seven months of "not annoying", mending that is hardly out of the question.

Maybe she's picked up a red flag, and that's why she's acting this way. Fair enough. But maybe she's over-reacting to what is only the end of the honeymoon stage. She just needs to learn what a sane person does when one of love's "crazy" moments tempts her.

She won't go wrong by deciding and reminding herself repeatedly of the principle that she can live without him, or anyone else, even if she doesn't want to. Doesn't have to feel that, just has to decide she will make it, if it comes to that.

She would do well to decide never again to act in ways that embarrass her, no matter what happens. I'd suggest making a plan of what she IS going to do when temptation strikes: write in a journal, call a friend, whatever. (I'd make the list written, and at least ten items long, none of which involves losing too much sleep, eating too much, or consuming alcohol.)

She would do well to take some of her anxiety to take care of herself and her other relationships. If that doesn't work, quit noodling around and get counselling from a professional.

If he acts in a way that is out of character and not to her liking, she would do well to directly and calmly object, directly and calmly ask the reason for the change, and directly and calmly give him the permission to be direct with her as well, and ask if he needs something to change. It might take a little acting on her part, but keeping a calm exterior would hardly be a lie. It would just be a touch of class, one that will never be out of place, and one that will become her dignity just as much if the relationship lasts as if it ends.

I'm sticking by my guns. It is too soon to call this a ballgame. She need not panic. She need not stick a psychiatric label on her forehead. For the time being, she just needs to get a grip. She just needs to remain calm and go through the drill we all have to learn, sooner or later.

Give the OP some credit. She can do this!


#13

could be infatuation.


#14

I want to thank everyone for their help, and I will remain calm and clear headed, I'm not continuing with my behaviour because it is unhealthy.

This is my first relationship and I do think distance is causing some of my anxiety (he lives in Ireland but far away in another county).

I'm not going to over think the problem anymore, because I think that's causing harm.

I'm just going to leave it in God's hands and hope he helps me.

Thanks for your help everyone.

God Bless,
Belinda


#15

I think that this day in age “natural feminine curiosity” is greatly indulged by the internet. I’d suggest reading some Jane Austen novels or other pieces of 18 or early 19th century literature to understand that wanting to know copious amounts of information about a guy is a norm.

It’s good you’re leaving this up to God.

I’d also suggest you do some reading on introverts before you accuse him of being cold. Sometimes people are just different. Once you look at both timeless social scenes and introversion THEN perhaps ask questions or explain your feelings. I’d also suggest 5 langues of love if you are getting serious.


#16

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