Ok so I told them (some major ranting)


#1

Okay so remember my thread titled "Should I tell her?" It was referring to whether or not I should let the family of my child's father know that we had a child. I called his mother last night and then she and the father's older sister came over and saw the baby (he's two months now). They were pretty upset (understandably) but they were also pretty thrilled.

I am having a lot of mixed feelings right now I guess so I was kinda looking for some advice or consolation. I know that I did the right thing, no doubt. I had prayed about this for a while and I pretty sure God wanted me to tell them.

First thing that bothered me though was what his mother said. She always reminds me how "weak" I am. Which I understand, that I am young and that she has been through much more than I have but the way she says it makes me feel like I don't know anything about life at all. I mentioned to her that my ds is getting baptized on Saturday and she asks "why so soon?" :shrug: Then she went off saying that she's been Catholic all her life and she knows that not everything about the Church is true. She seems to act like I am just following the crowd and that I don't know how to think for myself. I believe everything about the Catholic Church is true and I don't need a mortal man or woman to tell me that. She also went on to say that my strong interest in religion what caused a great deal of problems for mine and my ex-boyfriend's relationship. You're damn right it did! :mad:

Another thing that bothered me was the fact that she seems to be defending her son's current behavior by saying how hard his upbringing was. Yeah I get it, he had a hard life with no father. I understand that can affect him being scared about being a father himself. But NOT ONCE throughout the WHOLE time I was pregnant did he consider his own child. He was argumentative and blaming me for all the hurt that I caused him. Did I hurt him? Yes I did and I am truly sorry for it all. However I gave him every OPPORTUNITY to be in his child's life. He could have continued going to counseling with me. Gave that up. Could have continued going to doctor's visits with me. Decided he didn't want to do that either. He received advice from THREE professional people including a PRIEST but because he was so "hurt" he couldn't utilize the advice they gave him. The last thing he told me, a few weeks before DS was born, was that he didn't want to talk to me. He also mentioned that he lost my number. Does this sound like someone who even wants to TRY being a father to you?

Why does being hurt stand as an excuse to NOT take responsibility for your own child?

I don't understand it at all. I will admit that right now. Someone let me know if I am being unreasonable. I am at my wits end.

They're talking to him right now btw as he just got off work...


#2

Hang in there, you are doing just fine! You are quite right, the Catholic Church has the fullness of truth and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Your boyfriend’s mother is going to stick up for him, think about it, she is his MOM, and will feel the need to protect him no matter how old he is, or what he has done, so don’t take a lot of what she says too personally. ((You will feel the same when your child is older). Just continue doing what you are doing, getting your life back on track and moving on.


#3

My advice comes in two parts:

Part one: Lawyer. Your ex boyfriend is legally responsible for supporting his child. Assert your child’s rights on his behalf.

Part two: Boundaries. Inform your child’s paternal grandparents that their visits with you and their grandson are contingent on their good behavior which includes respecting your religion, your parenting choices, and your home. If they continue to be argumentative and run you down or your religion down, they will not be visiting again.

Stand up girl!


#4

[quote="1ke, post:3, topic:180821"]
My advice comes in two parts:

Part one: Lawyer. Your ex boyfriend is legally responsible for supporting his child. Assert your child's rights on his behalf.

Part two: Boundaries. Inform your child's paternal grandparents that their visits with you and their grandson are contingent on their good behavior which includes respecting your religion, your parenting choices, and your home. If they continue to be argumentative and run you down or your religion down, they will not be visiting again.

Stand up girl!

[/quote]

Couldn't agree more with this advice.
Prayers for you too, jenlovesyu.


#5

[quote="1ke, post:3, topic:180821"]
My advice comes in two parts:

Part one: Lawyer. Your ex boyfriend is legally responsible for supporting his child. Assert your child's rights on his behalf.

Part two: Boundaries. Inform your child's paternal grandparents that their visits with you and their grandson are contingent on their good behavior which includes respecting your religion, your parenting choices, and your home. If they continue to be argumentative and run you down or your religion down, they will not be visiting again.

Stand up girl!

[/quote]

This is such good advice! You don't need her approval or acceptance. And you especially don't need his (FOB's). Only God can judge you. Which I know is easier to say than to believe. Do you have any family support of your own? Parish-support? Surround yourself with people who care about YOU and your son. Don't bend over backwards to try to make it so your son's father's family is in his life. If he or they want to be included, they know what to do. Read part two again of the above quote.


#6

You don’t even need a lawyer. If you can’t afford one, go to your local Child Support Office–it’ll be under County or State offices in the phone book. They will act on your behalf to collect support for you, and if you need any kind of welfare assistance other than medical or food stamps, he will be responsible for paying that back. If you are not on aid, money he pays will go directly to you.

I am sorry you are going through this! And honestly, from the sound of his mother, I can see why your ex bf is the way he is! I will keep you in my prayers. :slight_smile:


#7

Ok I've calmed down a bit, I apologize if I came off as mean or anything like that. Thank you so much for your supportive and loving words! It means so much to me.

1ke

My advice comes in two parts:

Part one: Lawyer. Your ex boyfriend is legally responsible for supporting his child. Assert your child's rights on his behalf.

Part two: Boundaries. Inform your child's paternal grandparents that their visits with you and their grandson are contingent on their good behavior which includes respecting your religion, your parenting choices, and your home. If they continue to be argumentative and run you down or your religion down, they will not be visiting again.

Stand up girl!

First, Thank you this really is excellent advice :)
But, what if I can't afford a lawyer? :(
I know I don't necessarily need a lawyer for Child Support but I would like to get one in the event I have to go to court. I would like to at least get legal advice.

Thank you all so much for your prayers! I really need them!

I'm off to Christmas mass :D
May God bless you and keep you all


#8

To get child support, you will need to go to the Friend of the Court. Also stop by your Social Services Office…and ask for help there. From your posting, I’m assuming that his name is not on the birth cert. You will have to establish Paternity. The Social Services Office or Friend of the Court can/will help you with this. You don’t need a Lawyer right now, and most likely never will, since he number one doesn’t want to be a father, number two, i doubt he’ll ever fight you for cusdoty. (Are you kidding, that would require being Not selfish and he sounds very selfish and self centered.)

Others have given you very good advice about His parents…by all means take it. Keep going in your faith and by all means have your baby baptized. You are on the right path, don’t let anyone detour you from it.

May God Bless you and your child this Christmas Day.


#9

If you cannot afford a lawyer, contact social services agencies to put you in contact with a lawyer who works pro bono for those who cannot afford it. Many lawyers also have sliding scales and payment plans. Look up legal aid in your phone book or on the internet for your city.

You may not need a lawyer for asserting support rights, but if you can find a lawyer who will represent you for free or reduced fees that would be best.


#10

Well, now you know why he is the way he is. His mommy makes excuses for all his bad behavior and can't see that he planned to continue his father's cycle into a new generation. (What he was so "hurt" by, he intended to do for his own son.)

So this is what you do:

You send a letter:

Dear Thank God You'll NEVER be my Mother in Law (or whatever her name is):

I know you consider me to be weak. You seem never hesitate to denigrate me and my faith. However, please know that if I was as weak as you have thought, you would not have a grandchild today. I know I have much to learn from people who have walked this path before, and I can learn from people like you, from your mistakes and from what you have done right. Be assured your own example has helped me immeasurably in my decisions on how to raise my son.

The faith you also denigrate was very instrumental in helping me decide that it would be an injustice to you not to tell you about your grandson. I waited for months for your own son to be honest with you. Please know that just as he did not tell you the truth about his own fatherhood, there is much in our relationship that you do not know about as well. Please refrain from judging me based on what you do or don't know about that relationship and how it ended. If he didn't tell you about the baby, what else did he neglect to tell you?

I do want you to know your grandson, but in some ways the relationship with your son has left me fragile and suspicious and I need to be a good strong mother for my child. Your participation in my child's life will be contingent upon whether you can add good things to that and help build me up emotionally and spiritually, or whether your words and actions distract and undermine my efforts to be the best mother this little boy deserves.

My life goal is to make sure my son grows up to be a dependable, honest and respectful man, someone who does not use his past wounds as an excuse to hurt others. I do not want my son to repeat his father's toxic cycle. My own family supports me and loves me and has given me the help I need in this respect. Your son has made choices and continues to avoid his responsibilities to me, my son, and even to you. That is not my battle any longer. I wish you luck in dealing with him. I pray he resolves his issues so he does not repeat this pattern of behavior with other girls who trust him. I know now, being a mother of a son like you are, that it must be devastating to have a son who does not treat you with the courtesy and honesty that you deserve, having given him life and sacrificed to raise him.

I hope our relationship will improve in the future and that your talents and zeal for life will benefit this dear little boy.

God bless,
Jen


#11

I’m really tempted to just cut and paste that letter and hand it to her. It sums up exactly what I would want to say.

I ran into my child’s father at the midnight mass. He wants to come see the baby today. I’m having conflicting thoughts on whether to allow him to come over.

Thank you so much 1ke for that information. I plan on conjuring up some numbers this weekend.

Adelore, thank you as well. I just want to say that although it is likely my child’s father wouldn’t try taking me to court, I have a feeling his mother would try something. My dad was trying to tell me that she can’t really do anything which is true but she might try and pressure her son. She plays him like a fiddle which is another reason why I am so uncomfortable about all this. I don’t want her to try raising MY son through her own. She did say to me that my child is both mine and her son’s responsibility but I am quite wary of her.


#12

Okay WHOA I need to apologize for something because it turns out there has been a major misunderstanding. :o

I think things are the same in regards to the paternal grandmother. I definitely need to speak with her. However in regards to my child’s father…

My child’s father (and his sister) came over to my house to meet with me and my parents. After seeing his child for the first time he stated what he wanted to say. He basically said he wants to have an active role in the child’s life and as per the baptism tomorrow, wants to have his last name on the baptismal certificate. At first I was like WHOA you are in no position to be demanding things right now. Things got a little tense but he eventually explained himself further.

Basically, he has been spending all this time working full time and taking I think at least one college course. He has been also interacting with more life-experienced people to help him improve upon himself. He said that he was really scared and trying to sort out his feelings which is why he didn’t speak to me. I know he isn’t making this up because his sister has been witnessing all of it herself. She isn’t the type of person who is going to lie to cover for her brother.

I have to say that I am impressed that he has been working as hard as he has. However, I hope you understand why I had the reaction I did. Everything I said in the original post is true and had happened. Because he didn’t communicate to me what was going on with him, I was left to purely speculate based on the only information I had. Fortunately, he does want to be involved.

I am still cautious about the whole situation and everyone agreed that it is best to take everything a day at a time. Right now I feel relieved but at the same time I am not sure just how cautious I should be. Me and my parents agree though that supervised visits between my child’s father and his son are most appropriate at this time.

I just want to say sorry that I acted so suddenly :(. It was definitely a stressful event for me and I really appreciate your comfort. But yeah, things were not as bad as I had previously perceived.:o


#13

No, caution is perfectly correct.

You were acting on information you had at the time.

He is still being immature and manipulative, not giving you the information YOU need to make accurate decisions. Same guy who didn't tell his mom he was a father.

You still have reason to be very wary.

Intentions only go so far. A hardboiled egg has a heart of gold too.

You need to see meaningful, sustained actions. Not two months of someone "trying."

He has a LOT of damage to undo.

He has taken a step in that direction. That is good. But he needs to walk the walk for the rest of his life. One step does not a walk make.

Encourage him to continue as he is doing. Believe what you see with your own eyes. Maybe his mother and sister will hold him to some accountability.

You keep your side of the street clean. Make him live up to YOUR expectations for a responsible father.

Supervised visits... maybe. It's in your child's best interest that his father grow up quickly.

But I still see manipulation. He could have told you and been honest with you the steps he was trying to take. Would he even have told you this if you hadn't pushed the envelope by calling his mother?

how long was he going to let his self improvement remain a cosmic secret?

He wasn't being fair to you.

I believe Baptismal certificates have the child's legal name on it. Mother's maiden name. Father's name too. His name will be on it somewhere. Since he is in no position to marry you, I don't know if you really want to give your child his last name. I wouldn't.

Ask your priest what people usually do in this situation.


#14

See, that is what keeps crossing my mind. If I hadn't said anything to his family, would he have ever done it himself?

And why didn't he say he wanted to be involved instead of leaving me to wonder?

My son was born early as you know. An emergency c-section. I didn't bother to tell him when it happened because I figured why should I use the little energy that I have to contact someone who doesn't seem to care, you know?

But even AFTER my due date (11/30), he still hadn't tried contacting me. I just don't get it. Something looks a bit off.

Obviously I am quite conflicted over this situation. On the one hand, if my ex is sincere about being a good father then that will be great for our child. He did seem happy to see the baby. On the other, I have a really hard time believing anything he says.

I don't know what I would do if I didn't at least have SOME support. My mom doesn't seem to understand the situation all too well. She thought I was behaving unreasonably when my ex came over. That has been a bit hard on me but my dad and my best friend definitely understand what I am going through.

This is going to be a long, difficult road for sure. I want to do what is right but at the same time I am having a hard time discerning exactly what that "right thing" is. I couldn't help but cry today when I looked at my son. I hope he doesn't have to suffer because of my mistakes.:(


#15

dear jen,

i was a single parent for a lot of years. my son suffered from my mistake because i had sex with a man i didn’t intend to spend my life with. that’s just the way it is. but you don’t have to continue making mistakes.

I just don’t get it. Something looks a bit off. that’s because something is a bit off

Obviously I am quite conflicted over this situation. On the one hand, if my ex is sincere about being a good father then that will be great for our child.** but you will not know this, can not know this** until the guy has demonstrated over time commitment and a change of heart. till now, go on FACT, not feeling. FACT: he just showed up to see the baby for the first time and has denied you till now. He did seem happy to see the baby. On the other, I have a really hard time believing anything he says. ** don’t believe what he says. only believe what he does.**

surround yourself with people you KNOW you can count on. let them love you and your wonderful baby. then move CAUTIOUSLY forward with the guy and his people. as a bunch, they’ve already denied, ignored, judged, undermined, and dismissed you.


#16

Thank you monicatholic. I really need to be careful taking him at his word. That's what got me into this mess in the first place.


#17

As hard as this sounds, always remember your child comes first. What’s best for him. Not what’s best for his Dad.

Now I’m not saying to “hold a gruge”, but I am saying take it easy. This man seems to be controled by his Mother. Do not jump into Him being Daddy. After all you yourself said something on the order of he didn’t even tell his family about you being pregnant, you can well bet he never thought you’d call them and tell them about their Grandchild.

There is nothing wrong with making this man Prove himself. It’s good he’s taking classes, it’s good he’s trying to change. However, all parents try to improve for the good, but we never “forget or ingore” our children in the process of “Us” trying to improve ourselfs. Not to mention we continue on supporting our children, emotionally, with love and it takes money to raise a child.

Has this man, now that he’s seen his child, offered Child support, has he asked you if there is anything you or your baby needs? Is he willing to be only a phone call away if you need him? And better yet, did he even mention he was the least bit sorry for leaving you high and dry on your own? Take Caution and a lot of it…

Just a few things to think about, don’t get wrapped up in the thought, you want your child to Know his daddy. There are a lot of things that go along with being a Dad. I’m not saying you shouldn’t try, but walk lightly, you don’t want to get hurt, or your child to get hurt by this man.

The ball is now in his court…see if he offers child support, sure it’s nice to go “visit” your child, but there’s so much more to being a Real Dad, than just “visiting”.


#18

[quote="jenlovesyu, post:1, topic:180821"]
Okay so remember my thread titled "Should I tell her?" It was referring to whether or not I should let the family of my child's father know that we had a child. I called his mother last night and then she and the father's older sister came over and saw the baby (he's two months now). They were pretty upset (understandably) but they were also pretty thrilled.

I am having a lot of mixed feelings right now I guess so I was kinda looking for some advice or consolation. I know that I did the right thing, no doubt. I had prayed about this for a while and I pretty sure God wanted me to tell them.

First thing that bothered me though was what his mother said. She always reminds me how "weak" I am. Which I understand, that I am young and that she has been through much more than I have but the way she says it makes me feel like I don't know anything about life at all. I mentioned to her that my ds is getting baptized on Saturday and she asks "why so soon?" :shrug: Then she went off saying that she's been Catholic all her life and she knows that not everything about the Church is true.

[/quote]

How sad that she would say this, particularly given that her saying this is actually blasphomy which is always grave matter :( (see CCC 2148).

You're very much doing the right thing getting your child baptised with in 2 mo, the church directs us for very good reason to do so. It just plain makes sense. The best advice I have for you is to pray for you childs Grandmother, that she be reverted to the faith. In the mean time, do what is best for your Child and his soul. It's a shame this child's father is disinterested in being involved in his life. Major prayers on my part for you and your child, and that you will be able to find a suitable father figure for him! Incidently your parish have a Catholics come home program? Might be good to slip that in at some point. Heck I've even done it with my parents even though they're cultrually strong in Catholisism and do know generally what the Church teaches, they actually don't know why!

[quote="jenlovesyu, post:1, topic:180821"]

She seems to act like I am just following the crowd and that I don't know how to think for myself. I believe everything about the Catholic Church is true and I don't need a mortal man or woman to tell me that. She also went on to say that my strong interest in religion what caused a great deal of problems for mine and my ex-boyfriend's relationship. You're damn right it did! :mad:

Another thing that bothered me was the fact that she seems to be defending her son's current behavior by saying how hard his upbringing was. Yeah I get it, he had a hard life with no father. I understand that can affect him being scared about being a father himself. But NOT ONCE throughout the WHOLE time I was pregnant did he consider his own child. He was argumentative and blaming me for all the hurt that I caused him. Did I hurt him? Yes I did and I am truly sorry for it all. However I gave him every OPPORTUNITY to be in his child's life. He could have continued going to counseling with me. Gave that up. Could have continued going to doctor's visits with me. Decided he didn't want to do that either. He received advice from THREE professional people including a PRIEST but because he was so "hurt" he couldn't utilize the advice they gave him. The last thing he told me, a few weeks before DS was born, was that he didn't want to talk to me. He also mentioned that he lost my number. Does this sound like someone who even wants to TRY being a father to you?

Why does being hurt stand as an excuse to NOT take responsibility for your own child?

I don't understand it at all. I will admit that right now. Someone let me know if I am being unreasonable. I am at my wits end.

They're talking to him right now btw as he just got off work...

[/quote]

I've very sorry to hear about your troubles with the childs father. In my unprofessional reading sounds like he could be scared that he'll make a terrible father, having never had one. Too bad he's unwilling to just give it a go, it's better to be there and make all kinds of mistakes than just not be there at all! I pray all will work it's self out for you in the end. God bless and Merry Christmas.


#19

[quote="crazzeto, post:18, topic:180821"]
Too bad he's unwilling to just give it a go, it's better to be there and make all kinds of mistakes than just not be there at all!

[/quote]

I would say that his recent actions are a half-step in the right direction. To make it one full step I would say that he would have to apologize and take responsibility for abandoning his son while he was in the womb and left you to carry him by yourself. Even though your son is still a newborn-- he has missed out on so much already and recognizing that I think would be a good sign of sincerity. But from what you are describing, he seems like he's still in shock-scared mode-- which is a very useless parenting technique.
I agree with all of the above advice about approaching situation further with caution. Many blessings to you and your son!


#20

[quote="adelore, post:17, topic:180821"]
As hard as this sounds, always remember your child comes first. What's best for him. Not what's best for his Dad.

Now I'm not saying to "hold a gruge", but I am saying take it easy. This man seems to be controled by his Mother. Do not jump into Him being Daddy. After all you yourself said something on the order of he didn't even tell his family about you being pregnant, you can well bet he never thought you'd call them and tell them about their Grandchild.

There is nothing wrong with making this man Prove himself. It's good he's taking classes, it's good he's trying to change. However, all parents try to improve for the good, but we never "forget or ingore" our children in the process of "Us" trying to improve ourselfs. Not to mention we continue on supporting our children, emotionally, with love and it takes money to raise a child.

*Has this man, now that he's seen his child, offered Child support, has he asked you if there is anything you or your baby needs? Is he willing to be only a phone call away if you need him? And better yet, did he even mention he was the least bit sorry for leaving you high and dry on your own? Take Caution and a lot of it.... *

Just a few things to think about, don't get wrapped up in the thought, you want your child to Know his daddy. There are a lot of things that go along with being a Dad. I'm not saying you shouldn't try, but walk lightly, you don't want to get hurt, or your child to get hurt by this man.

The ball is now in his court.....see if he offers child support, sure it's nice to go "visit" your child, but there's so much more to being a Real Dad, than just "visiting".

[/quote]

You know, I was hesitant to say this because I didn't want to sound like I just want to bash my ex but when I ran into him at the midnight mass, he asked me "did they (his family) tell you that I got a job?" I simply replied yes and then he smirked" they shouldn't have done that." Knowing him, he was implying that it was bad for me to know because surely I would soon be "asking" for money (child support). Of course he thought it was just a joke.:shrug:

The positive thing that he did say when he came over to my house was that he wanted to be there for his son. But that was about it. I'm not sure he knows what that entails.

What gets me the most is that he didn't offer any apology at all. He came over to my house acting like he hasn't done anything wrong and obviously expressed that he was upset about our son not having his last name.

Crazzeto, you are totally right that I should be praying for my child's paternal grandmother. I'll admit that I am going to require some humility to do so. I also understand that none of us are perfect and every parent makes mistakes. However I am very scared myself because I am afraid of my child's father passing down the same verbal abuse his mom gave to him. He has even told me before the way that she sometimes speaks to him and it is just sad. The fact that he grew up without a father in and of itself is not the only reason he hasn't been acting so nice. I know there are people out there who have grown up with only one parent and who have also managed to become very loving people. This looks like a case only Jesus can solve but they have to let Him. Don't know when that will be if it will ever happen.


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