God bless you for your desire to turn back to Him and ask forgiveness.
May God in His mercy give you strength to more firmly resist temptation in the future.
Jesus will not give up on you…(He never gave up on me)…but you are right, it is up to us to make the “first move”. He has done all that He can to help until we make that move.
One thing I hope that you realize is that growing in faith and holiness is, for the majority of us, a gradual thing. It is sort of like dieting or weightlifting or running - improvements are incremental. God gives us the desire to get healthy (spiritually) and provides the tools. It’s up to us to actually use those tools and build up our strength and stamina by utilizing the grace He provides.
Lastly - I agree with RedFox about trying to scare yourself into not sinning. It seems to not have worked.
If I may suggest - instead of looking at something “demonic” to scare yourself, look instead to the Lord. Look at a scene from the passion of Christ, pictures of the crucifixion etc and ponder on these and how our sin increases His pain while our resistance to sin decreases his pain.
When I was working on overcoming my sin of impurity I hit upon (though God’s grace) the following which I share here…
I developed a “visual prayer”…After all, if we can “visualize” toward lust - why not “visualize” away from it…
So I prayed, “Father, take me to the foot of the cross”, and then began thinking, visualizing myself there. Gazing on the scene of the one who died for my sins.
Hot, dry, dusty day.
The foot of the cross buried in the ground.
The wood of the cross stained black from blood and sweat.
The feet of our Lord.
Filthy and stained and dripping blood and sweat.
I did this - I put Him there - Not alone - but I helped.
Every time I sin, it is increases His pain.
If I refrain, it eases His pain.
Feel the heat of that day, the dryness of the air.
How thirsty He is…
…and so on…
How could I possibly sin while standing at the foot of the cross.
As a corollary to the idea of our sin putting Him there, consider how his cross is the accumulation of our sins. Each time we sin, the cross gets heavier…Each time we resist sin, the cross gets lighter.
I do not believe that one can grow in holiness by looking down at demons - even to “scare” ones self. Instead, look up to the cross, to the resurrection, to God’s Love, to the narrow gate - Look forward - not backwards…
May God continue to bless you on your journey.