Okay, so I'm in a little spiritual trouble here

I just downloaded a porno, despite just previously watching clips of The Omen and looking at pictures of demons to scare myself away from sinning. I know I’m in deep doo-doo right now, on top of myself skipping mass today and doing this with a crucifix and a rosary on my bedside table. I’ve also had temptations to call satan LORD (this isn’t the first time, look at my history), and I fear he has been granting my requests.

I just need to confess all my sins to my brothers and sisters now, knowing I don’t have access to a priest. I know I have Jesus right here, and I’ll take advantage of it.
Now I’m going to watch the opening of the Ark scene in Indiana Jones.

God, I know you’re watching me now, and I need to make the initial move myself. Just don’t give up on me. I shouldn’t ask for more faith because You said that faith as small as a mustard seed can move mountains. I messed up, taking my sexual dignity, which You gave me out of love, and screwing up, degrading myself. I ask that You remember all who are doing similar sins and to forgive them and show them Your Favor by sending the Holy Spirit upon them. I ask this in Jesus’ Name, Amen.

youtube.com/watch?v=5H5Cq4_gov8
Doesn’t this link sound like God’s Wrath?

Dear Brother,

Delete the porno you downloaded, turn off the TV; understand that God loves you and that His mercy and graces are now being offered to you for your repentance and conversion of heart. Make an act of Contrition and tell Him you will go see Him in confession as soon as possible. Stop thinking of God’s wrath right now since He is not waiting to smite you! He is waiting to forgive you! In fact right now He wants you to start thinking about His mercy and how He wants you to turn all of your love to Him. He will heal you but only if you allow Him to have complete control.

What I would also do right now is write a letter to yourself stating how you feel right now. How the temptation that the porno would make you happy was a lie and that now you feel even worse than you did before. Tell yourself about the guilt you now feel and how you know that you would have been happier if you had never viewed the pornographic material in the first place. Then at the end of the letter tell yourself to turn to God and give everything to Him. Invite Him to see you in your weakness and profess your need for Him. Tell Him about the sadness you feel, knowing that you prefer porno over His love, but that you do not want to be this way anymore and that you want to love Him more than ever. Then tell yourself to ask Our Lady for help so that you will be resolute in your resolve to follow Christ.

I will pray for you; please pray for me.

God Bless.

What caught me here was the statement that you watched clips of The Omen, etc. to scare you into good action. I would be careful about that. Demonic obsession is a real and dangerous thing. We have the DESIRE to sin. Trying to overcome that desire is very difficult. I would advise, instead, to replace your desire to sin with a more powerful desire. This might be a hobby. This might be taking a walk. Eventually, the desire to please God becomes a powerful tool in your arsenal against temptation. It doesn’t mean you won’t ever fall again. I don’t know a single person whose soul has no more need of healing. Do not be shamed in your failure. We are all practicing our faith, and that means we all have room to improve as we strive to come into closer union with God. I find that asking myself, “Is this God’s will or mine?” has had a great impact on my life. Do not lose hope. You will be in our prayers.

I just wanted to add. Doing (or not doing) something out of a love of God should be your primary motivation. Fear of retribution, to me at least, doesn’t seem like the proper motivator. Anyone can feel free to correct me if I’m thinking about this the wrong way (and if I am in error, I would appreciate the correction!)

You don’t need to watch those types of scenes from movies in hopes that will straighten you out by lessening your temptation. Say a rosary and Divine Mercy Chaplet instead. God Bless!

You are not thinking about this wrong, but perhaps not considering the journey one often makes to get to this state. Very often - when we are spiritually immature - Fear is a primary and an acceptable motivator.
Spiritual maturity then moves one from a servile fear of punishment toward a growing growing Love relationship with God.
It is not unlike a child growing up…At first they only know that if they do something wrong…mommy and daddy become angry and might even spank. The child fears punishment and so learns to work within the rules. As the child grows, they come to realize WHY mommy and daddy made the rules that they did. They realize that it is done out of love and so the child’s interactions with the parent is based more on love than on fear.

Remember that proverb that starts…“Fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom…” (Pr 9:10)

I should also point out here that spiritual immaturity has nothing to do with physical or emotional immaturity…

Peace
James

JD,

God bless you for your desire to turn back to Him and ask forgiveness.
May God in His mercy give you strength to more firmly resist temptation in the future.

Jesus will not give up on you…(He never gave up on me)…but you are right, it is up to us to make the “first move”. He has done all that He can to help until we make that move.

One thing I hope that you realize is that growing in faith and holiness is, for the majority of us, a gradual thing. It is sort of like dieting or weightlifting or running - improvements are incremental. God gives us the desire to get healthy (spiritually) and provides the tools. It’s up to us to actually use those tools and build up our strength and stamina by utilizing the grace He provides.

Lastly - I agree with RedFox about trying to scare yourself into not sinning. It seems to not have worked.
If I may suggest - instead of looking at something “demonic” to scare yourself, look instead to the Lord. Look at a scene from the passion of Christ, pictures of the crucifixion etc and ponder on these and how our sin increases His pain while our resistance to sin decreases his pain.
When I was working on overcoming my sin of impurity I hit upon (though God’s grace) the following which I share here…
I developed a “visual prayer”…After all, if we can “visualize” toward lust - why not “visualize” away from it…
So I prayed, “Father, take me to the foot of the cross”, and then began thinking, visualizing myself there. Gazing on the scene of the one who died for my sins.
Hot, dry, dusty day.
The foot of the cross buried in the ground.
The wood of the cross stained black from blood and sweat.
The feet of our Lord.
Filthy and stained and dripping blood and sweat.
I did this - I put Him there - Not alone - but I helped.
Every time I sin, it is increases His pain.
If I refrain, it eases His pain.
Feel the heat of that day, the dryness of the air.
How thirsty He is…
…and so on…

How could I possibly sin while standing at the foot of the cross.

As a corollary to the idea of our sin putting Him there, consider how his cross is the accumulation of our sins. Each time we sin, the cross gets heavier…Each time we resist sin, the cross gets lighter.
I do not believe that one can grow in holiness by looking down at demons - even to “scare” ones self. Instead, look up to the cross, to the resurrection, to God’s Love, to the narrow gate - Look forward - not backwards…

May God continue to bless you on your journey.

Peace
James

What about Satan tempts you to call him LORD? Is it just the porn or do you like murdering innocent people, molesting children, rape, torture, and all the other stuff that he and his demons promote? Do you feel like you could ignore these other things if he will just give you a little sex?

What does Satan represent to you and why do you sometimes wish him to be your God? I’m truly interested. I think maybe you need to take a little time and try to see the big picture about Satan. Are you ever tempted to drop down on your knees and thank him for these random shooters that sometimes kill small children? That’s his inspiration at work in the world. I interested in just how far you are tempted to serve Satan.

It sounds to me like you might have some other issues that need to be worked out–talk to a priest about these sorts of things, and perhaps a counselor as well. These sorts of thoughts can be very harmful, and beyond the scope of what strangers on the internet can be expected to deal with.

-ACEGC

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