I do believe that romantic love is possible. I have fallen in love before, and it was wonderful, but then I have recently begun to adopt a different attitude to the search for a wife, I've started to become obsessed with wealth and class, with the idea that a husband ought to be sole breadwinner, and with the idea that I mustn't aim 'above my station'
"he loves, and loves alas above his station"
"oh yes, the lass is much above his station"
- this idea has reached the proportions of a Gilbert and Sullivan operetta. It seems odd that I should be thinking this way in the 21st century.
I do find a strange attraction to the way of life of the English Traditionalists, who do think in these ways, particularly the recussant families, where it is not unusual to find grandmothers inquiring into the vocation, income and breeding of a young man and trying to set them up with their granddaughters, and not entirely unknown for young men to have to ask a lady's father's permission to court his daughter. These aren't the people I know, they aren't the people I meet in my parish. This is basically about class envy. I know that most women in those traditionalist circles would not marry anyone who doesn't earn enough to support a family on a single income, they have no intention of working after marriage, and most fathers wouldn't give permission to marry unless the same were true.
I've started to accept these values for myself, believing that I couldn't possibly begin to date until I have secured such a career, that I couldn't possibly dream of continuing the academic career I wanted, but ought instead to go into management because of the higher salary. I'm no longer looking for love, but for someone who would be a 'good match', someone not too high in her expectations. I wonder if this is about control, about wanting to own my wife rather than be in a partnership with her? The worst of all is I am turning my back on allowing myself to fall in love, everything must be done 'just so', and I worry that one day I'll look back on a life spent in pursuit of such a snobbish ideal and regret it.
Yet, I can't help thinking, if I were any girl's father, I wouldn't give my permission to me to court their daughter. But I also realise, back in the real world, who but a control freak would demand permission before a man could court their adult daughter?
Not sure why I'm thinking this way. Not sure what the point of this post is. Just hoping somebody can restore my faith in romance, or maybe somebody can show me that my fears are groundless, or even just say 'I know where you're coming from'.