One man fathering a whole batch of kids


#1

Here’s a moral situation for discussion.

A friend of mine has a brother who has fathered 11 children by several different women.

He has never married any of the women. Once the baby comes, he usually moves on. He’s not even listed on most of the birth certificates. He plays essentially no parenting role whatsoever.

The children live in inner-city poverty. The mothers tend to have substance abuse problems. The brother has mental health issues (depression, uncontrolled anger) but no substance abuse problems (aside from drinking too much). He has a criminal record for fighting and violent behavior. My friend and he grew up in a single-parent household, with domestic violence rampant. She (my friend) had to start caring for her brother at a young age. Their father is a violent nutcase. Their mom is barely stable from a mental/emotional standpoint.

What’s to be done with someone like him?

(my friend is married, two children, and has made a comfortable, productive life for herself. She’s a churchgoer (Lutheran) and does a lot of charity work in the neighborhood where she grew up)


#2

I don’t believe I understand what you mean.

Asking what is to be done with him implies you have the authority to “do” something. But you don’t and neither does his sister. What you can do is offer support, advice, assistance.


#3

I guess that’s the case. But I think about this and it wears on my mind because there really isn’t a solution. He’s only in his mid-30s and is showing no signs of slowing down, in terms of making babies.


#4

The women in these scenarios should not associate with him. If his “record” is well known, who in their right mind would consider dating this guy?
Or are these “dates” one night stands?
Either way, the women are also involved and at fault.
You can’t do anything about it, at any rate. Pray I suppose. Pray for those fatherless children to not repeat these behaviors.


#5

Does the father have means to help support these children? If he does, he should certainly be encouraged to do so - he has a responsibility here (legal and moral).

His sister would be the person to encourage him to meet his responsibilities. However, if he has unconrtollable anger issues, she should be careful of her own safety.

Your own role seems peripheral - prayer and support to his sister. Or are you close enough with him to raise the issue of child support? (again, assuming if can be done safely).


#6

…yet we seem to have a problem with same sex couples raising children. All this fuss over that, and then reading a story like this…sheesh.


#7

If you are indeed serious then I guess you could foster care some of the children, or make a move to get them to a safe and stable place. The sister could open her home. The brother could be evangelized or treated for his addictions. Or we could all just donate 5 dollars to an inner city charity and go on our way, guilt free.:rolleyes: Bottom line, not much can be done safely, talking about marriage, parenthood, life issues and poverty and race are dangerous subjects these days. Dangerous to you physically.
Something to think about for the coming cliff we are jumping off of.

PS.
In my opinion referring to the kids as a “batch” is dehumanizing and shows lack of concern for each individual soul that is being harmed but also has been given life.


#8

As my mom would say - it takes two to tango. As long as there are people in society who will abide and/or support his behavior - and as long as he has no motivation to change it - it will continue.

The only two answers I know are a) Prayer and b) Involvement. Not necessarily with him or these women and children directly. But every person is connected to another.

So if you are able, I’d start with volunteering with a program that supports young people in troubled situations. One that encourages education, self-esteem and the avoidance of alcohol/drugs. I was fortunate enough to be able to volunteer with a local program that used martial arts classes as a way to teach those skills to inner-city kids from age 5 and up. And it worked. I was there for almost ten years - long enough to see kids who would have probably ended up in a great deal of trouble become responsible young adults attending local college.


#9

I can’t imagine he is paying child support. Non-payment is punishable by arrest in many places. The kids are due even if the moms don’t pursue it. They have a right to go after him until they are 18-21.


#10

Nope. He’s relied on government help and the charity of others his whole life.

She says he’s her brother, what choice does she have? but to help him. She does her best to help with the children, but that’s somewhat limited by practicalities of how far she can stretch herself and how receptive their mothers are.

I’ve never met him and hope not to.


#11

I don’t believe conjugal visits apply in county lock up… not the kind he’d enjoy anyway.


#12

The women should absolutely go after him for child support. He’ll likely never pay but it could result in him spending some time behind bars which would at least slow down the rate at which he’s doing this.

[quote=pianistclare]The women in these scenarios should not associate with him. If his “record” is well known, who in their right mind would consider dating this guy?
[/quote]

I know a few women who flock to guys like this. Oddly, they all complain about how they can never find a good man, but in those rare situations where they’ve ended up with a guy who doesn’t have several kids with a bevvy of other women and actually has a regular income, they’ve done everything they could to ruin the relationship before it lasts too long. Show them a well-dressed guy with good hygiene and no children and they don’t bat an eye. Show them a guy in a dirty tank top, exposed underwear, dozens of tattoos (especially on his face and/or neck), a missing tooth or two, no hint of legitimate income and at least three kids by two or more other women and they absolutely swoon.


#13

I don’t think he’s ever been jailed for any extended period of time. Maybe a day or two here and there.


#14

Thus the strategy of convincing the women to leave his name off the birth certificate, or to falsify it. From what I’ve heard, the mothers are all too willing to comply with guys who do that.


#15

Wow this is disgusting a guy runs about making babies and not supporting them first sex outside marriage is wrong second he’s picking vulnerable women " drug addicts" he sounds like a reproductive abuser someone should stop him imagine the emotional damage he’s causing


#16

How should someone stop him?


#17

Yeah.

(This is weird, HD - you’ve gotten so reasonable all of a sudden and I don’t know what to make of it. ;))

The thing is, nothing really can stop him, unless the women he keeps doing this to turn him down, which for whatever reason they are not (in situations like these, I doubt the women all know about each other, either). I would not be surprised if he selects “targets” that he can pull this on over and over again (women who are vulnerable and easy to manipulate). So absolutely, pray for them, and pray for those poor babies.


#18

The women might not all know each other, but it’s not a large community. My guess is that they all run into each other once in a while. And they’re no innocents themselves.


#19

Does your friend’s brother have a steady income?

If so, he should pay some form of child support. I don’t know what else to say, but child support is certainly a start.


#20

Exactly.

Oh and pensmama, I have always been reasonable, you are just starting to see the logic of it all…:wink:


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