One-time cheating, no chance for repetition, what to do


#1

Last week, I was on a business trip alone working for a few days. I went down down to the super nice bar area and ordered dinner since it didn’t come with all the room service charges. I started to talk to a few of the people at the bar, who seemed to be there on business as well. I decided to have a drink. I’m usually a 2 drink max kind of person, but after striking up conversation and finding I want to stay longer to talk to people I’ve met, I go past my max. I end up taking with a guy about wine, and it leads to other convo, such as discussing our spouses (all good stuff), kids or no kids, job, city…normal talk in this setting. A bit later, I realize it’s a little quiet and the restaurant is shutting down, so I use the restroom, close out my dinner/drink tab and head to the elevator. For the same reason, the person I was talking to did as well. I had zero attraction to him and nothing before this moment lead me to believe there was any kind of attraction between us, but a few minutes later, the alcohol hits me like a brick wall and we’re in my room. You can imagine the rest. After, we were both so mortified by what happened and what we did. Both are married and it was both of our first times being unfaithful in our marriage. Our entire discussion centered around regret. As bad as it sounds, we didn’t get each other’s names past the first name and there’s no way for either of us to get in contact in the future. This truly was a one time thing. I get sick to my stomach when I think about it. I love my husband and have no desire to end our marriage. I’ve begged God’s forgiveness and am scheduling a reconciliation appointment. I just don’t know what to do in terms of my husband. I don’t feel that telling him and ruining his life with this is the right thing to do, but I also see the side of it where it may create a barrier in our marriage that’s supposed to be based on honesty. In the case of it being a first and single incident with full remorse and commitment to being a better spouse, should I tell him? Also, we have no children.


#2

Do you remember having sex with this guy? I’m not trying to let you off the hook here but if you were completely blackout drunk I think you’re less culpable in a sense. You still messed up by getting completely obliterated on booze, but I’m not sure you fully understood what was happening based on what you said. Did you make a conscious choice to have sex with him, or did you just kind of come to with him on top of you?

Anyway, I don’t mean to be gross, but did you use a condom? I ask because you need to know if you might be pregnant or you might have been exposed to an STD, which you could then pass to your husband.

All that said, don’t tell him. There’s no point. But you do need to confess this, make a firm commitment that this will NEVER happen again, and seriously examine your relationship with alcohol if it’s putting you into these positions.


#3

I remember bits and pieces. No, I am not pregnant. And yes, part of the self-evauation I’ve begun has been centered around alcohol.


#4

I mean, there’s no point sugarcoating it: you messed up hard. But Gods forgiveness is stronger than any transgression, and you aren’t the first person who did something impulsive and wrong in a boozey haze.

Go to confession and firmly resolve that you will not place yourself in those situations again.


#5

Make an act of perfect contrition and go to confession ASAP.


#6

I appreciate that. I’m a full believer that confession isn’t real unless that person changes, which I have full intent to do.


#7

You do intend to change though you said?


#8

Good. I think it’s important to acknowledge A) you messed up and did something very wrong while simultaneously remembering that B) you are a beloved child of God. You are not defined solely by your sin and God is eagerly waiting to forgive you if you sincerely ask for it.


#9

#10

Absolutely. My husband and marriage is the most important thing to me. When I married him, I married him for life. This wasn’t something that stemmed from issues in our marriage, like I know it does for some and was completely out of character for me. I’ve already identified what needs to change in my actions moving forward.


#11

Nothing good will come of you telling your husband about this


#12

Bah…

You need to fess up and deal, but be honest to your husband.

Then confess to a priest.


#13

Are you really suggesting that this infidelity be kept a secret?!


#14

Yes I am suggesting exactly that.


#15

It is a tricky scenario.


#16

Absolutely. The only purpose telling him would be to alleviate her own guilt while making him miserable.

She should consider the guilt she justly feels as part of her penance.


#17

The truth will come out soon or later.

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Would the OP prefer her husband to keep his infidelity a secret?


#18

It could cause problems between the two. Besides we are not required to tell our spouse everything.


#19

Well, deal with it now or later. It’s a mess no matter what.


#20

There is much truth in this.

Sometimes people confess what they have done; not necessarily for the good of the other person, but because they “feel bottled up inside” and want to get it out. It’s like a release.

This is why much discernment must be done if it will be good for her husband to know. If she feels “burdened” by the secret that is her cross to bear not her husband’s.


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