I am a new convert and among many things the Church’s faithful stance on life was something that always attracted me to Catholicism. I always knew that something was terribly wrong with contraception but I never could articulate it well. I love being open to life and feel like it has fulfilled me as a woman in ways that I never expected and has been a blessing to my marriage.
Yet I have found myself emotionally pulling away. For years my husband has been in a very time demanding career that has had him travelling on a regular basis and working 12 to 14 hour days when he is in town. The money is good, and in the beginning I also had a same matching corporate job which demanded my time. After the death of my beloved grandmother, who in later years I did not visit as much as I wished because of my own commitment to the corporate treadmill, I realized that I wanted to reconnect with family and with my husband so I left the corporate world. Being a one-income family was difficult, yet I contributed some inheritance to make the change. My husband got another job that had more regular hours and did not demand weeks and weeks of travel. At least it didn’t at the beginning. As time went on the job began to cannibalize more and more time, and the travel got more and more overarching. I felt depressed and alone, and as time went on I realized that no amount of financial security could replace time as a family. I would be willing to struggle financially just to have him back, but I feel that any time I talked to him about it we would spend the little time we had on the phone arguing.
Nothing was changing so I ran away. I applied for graduate school and instead of going to a school nearby that accepted me I chose to go to a school six hours away. I thought that he would follow, and move with me but he did not. Yet an amazing thing happened. Even at the distance we were being drawn closer to the Church. He would drive up weekly (which was such an amazing sacrifice) and we took RCIA classes with our local pastor on weekends. The first weekend of Advent we were received into the Church. It has been so awesome!! Yet the time we spend together continues to dwindle living in separate cities, and even when we are in town work bleeds into our precious time together. I so want to start a family with him, my beloved, who has been such a wonderful Christian husband, but I feel like these feelings of abandonment are killing me inside. I am afraid that I will get pregnant and then be alone in my pregnancy, alone raising our children.
Because we live in two geographically separate cities now it has been hard to find a spiritual director and I don’t even know how to approach a priest about this. Any words of wisdom would be much appreciated.