And for the first time, I’m not open to suggestions that I’m presenting a false dichotomy.
Okay what prompted this thread all started when I noticed that some people often ask why I’m not so sociable but a few hours later, I’m surrounded by people who either don’t respond to my attempts or worse, wish I wasn’t there.
As of today, it’s gotten worse.
It began with me asking about a certain loan from my sister and all of a sudden, I’m getting the Scrooge treatment. I didn’t even shout or demand, I just simply asked.
Now the shouting matches began. Gloves started falling off. The next thing I knew, the entire family was against me. They’ve dug up and hit me with every bit of vitriol that they’ve always levied against my character (“You’ve always got that stupid tone!” “Why are you so demanding?” “Ya gotta shout!?” “Don’t think you help around doesn’t mean you can disrespect me young man!”).
In the end, I ultimately ended up the bad guy. And you wanna know what made this so special? My dear sweet younger brother finally confirmed just how much hatred everyone had for me. He pretty much confirmed ever ounce of suspicion that I was not a likeable person. I had a repulsive ‘aura’ that he and his friends use as a reason to be not so friendly towards me.
In other words, I’ve been what I’ve been brooding about all along: a villain, a monster, a guy whose very words are (in my brother’s own words) ‘a spout of lava that burns everything’.
Now on the good chance that some of you might side with him and presume that he’s some hero in the face of a fire-breathing, hot-headed villain who needs to change his ways, I ask you this: Have you any idea how I’ve killed myself over and over just to please these people? That I can’t recognize what I see in the mirror whenever I kowtow to what they define as acceptable, sociable, and ideal?
In exchange for their smiles and satisfaction, I make myself sick?
Yet now I have people wondering why I don’t socialize, why I keep my mouth shut, or why I’ve given up on surrounding myself with people all the time.
You think I don’t feel lonely? I do! I just also realize the hopelessness of it all because I’m apparently the socially-inept horror that everyone will hate for even just opening up one bit.
If you ask me, I think I’d rather close off. Minimize any emotional attachment to any activity, no matter how proactive I’ll have to be (and who needs emotion to be proactive at a job anyways). I either feel sick or feel sorry for those who don’t understand my insistence on being inside my shell.