Opinions and prayers please


#1

Ok, check this out. on Real Catholic TV's 'vortex' (this one specifically- youtube.com/watch?v=jsstRycYwiQ ) Michael Voris talks about a bad guy named Aruis. I watched this the other day and commented to my husband how his screen name he uses is a bad guy and maybe he should change his online name.
He asked me to send him the video, which I did, and he proceeded to forward it to his satanist friend talking about how "cool" it was that he chose a name that was a bad guy in the Church and he went on saying how it's another name for zeus and other pagan gods.
It's not a secret that our marriage is on a rollercoaster (based on my past posts), but I decided that I'm going to keep to my vow that I gave God and stick it out with him even if he doesn't believe our marriage means anything, no matter how hard it is
I pray for him all the time, and I ask that anyone else that feels led to do the same plz. I do need opinions though on how to be a good wife with stuff like this going on.. for instance, how should I react to this? So far I've just remained silent because I'm not sure what I should/shouldn't do in this situation.


#2

In my opinion, i question that you have a valid marrage.:confused:


#3

[quote="txnebfan, post:2, topic:220503"]
In my opinion, i question that you have a valid marrage.:confused:

[/quote]

Well, I did too in my last thread forum.catholic.com/showthread.php?t=512124, but then I ended up in that thread feeling like everyone misunderstood my motives for asking what I did.
The simple fact is that I want to do God's will in my life regardless of what that is, no matter what anyone, anywhere thinks. I decided after that thread that I made the vows for my marriage to both my husband and God so I need to honor those vows no matter how hard it is.
I guess at this point, I need to know how to be the best wife I can be considering the circumstances. I need to know how to act/react when he does things like this, or like what he did in the last thread (saying he didn't think the Convalidation meant anything at all), or when he's constantly negative and saying things all the time. I just need to know what I'm supposed to do as a Catholic wife so that I can show him God's Love.
If you read the other thread you'll see that some of the stuff he does borders on emotional abuse but that I'm a rather strong person so I don't let it affect my self esteem. I'm afraid if I don't stand up for myself (reacting in certain ways) that it may eventually start effecting my self esteem.. so that's my conflict in how I should act. Does that make sense?
Above all though, we need prayer if anyone feels led to pray for our marriage.
Thx


#4

Dear Rachel,

You seem very sincere and eager to be faithful and true to God's Will. God bless you. I only read the last two posts. My impression, my friend, is that you are stuggling to be assertive and to set your boundaries-may your Yes be Yes, No be No, says Jesus. You must feel sometimes like you are repressing a volcano of anger and a geyser of tears and that your heart is like a pin cushion. Yes, you must feel terribly helpless at times, like a victim that must play the martyr. Your Yes to Marriage is what you want to be faithful to. From what you say, you have the resilience and inner strengh to endure much suffering and emotional oppression. If you have this strength, and the courage to ask for help for such a delicate matter on CAF, you can discern the best way to be faithful to the Divine Will, if you ask humbly for help...Have you a good Priest or Counsellor in your life? You do need to speak to a professional for your own self-confidence and sanity. Then, from there, you can see what you must say Yes, and what you must say No to. If I can help you know how to contact me. I am praying for you.

Fr. Dominic La Fleur


#5

I think you misunderstood what was being said:

1) Maybe the reasons you were stating for non-validity weren't the reasons that the marriage might not be valid

2) A tribunal cannot look at the validity of a marriage until after a divorce has taken place

3) Yes, you may be faithful but you need to make a decision on whether or not you can stay in this marriage in a manner that is healthy and secure to your faith life and physical security as well as your future children's faith life and physical security independent of the academic discusion of validity.

4)You need to speak to your priest - if he will not give you serious time - find one that will.

Pax et Bonum,


#6

Thank you Father.
Yea, I guess you could say my heart is like a pin cushion but not just because of my marriage. I have A LOT going on in my life. From the murder of my dad, to having a mafia hitman being mad at me (because I got one put in jail for the murders and he’s now out and mad at me), to having no support at all in my marriage for even the simplest things let alone everything else I’ve been through. I’m not your typical ‘sad wife’ because my husband is like this or because I’ve been through all these things. I think all of this has made me stronger and caused me to call out to Jesus even more and commit myself to Him in such a way that my love for Him grows daily. Even with all I’ve been through, I’m not scared or anything, but I have a peace most of the time and I’m trusting God to take care of me in His Perfect Will.
We never had any kind of pre cana meetings or anything before our Convalidation so I just don’t really know what I’m supposed to do or how I should react to some of the things he does (such as bringing pagan statues into the house, stuff like what you read above, saying he doesn’t believe our Convalidation meant anything, or most recently telling me that when we move he’s going to start studying witchcraft again). For the most part I’ve either been silent when I don’t know how I should react or I’ve basically told him I won’t live in the house with a pagan statue. (I was Baptized Catholic but not raised Catholic and got very heavily involved in witchcraft until my heart attack and near death experience when God made it very clear to me that I shouldn’t be doing that so I stopped immediately and prayed for years until I had a series of supernatural events happen which led me to the Catholic Church).
I guess I just need to know how I’m supposed to react to things my husband does though as a good Catholic wife and need prayer that I would do everything according to God’s Will.


#7

[quote="joandarc2008, post:5, topic:220503"]
I think you misunderstood what was being said:

1) Maybe the reasons you were stating for non-validity weren't the reasons that the marriage might not be valid

2) A tribunal cannot look at the validity of a marriage until after a divorce has taken place

3) Yes, you may be faithful but you need to make a decision on whether or not you can stay in this marriage in a manner that is healthy and secure to your faith life and physical security as well as your future children's faith life and physical security independent of the academic discusion of validity.

4)You need to speak to your priest - if he will not give you serious time - find one that will.

Pax et Bonum,

[/quote]

Yea #2 I don't like.. but I do understand that's the way it is :) That being said, I made my Vow and I'm doing my best to live up to it because I made it not just to my husband but to God. I'm just hoping that I'm not in sin by this decision.

3-I have made the decision, not based on emotions or how painful this can be, but based on the face that I made a Vow before God and I intend on keeping it. If he leaves, we'll cross that bridge when we get there, but I won't leave. As far as children- I'm open to life (as is he) but I'm honestly scared that if I have children with him that he may not be the best father (based on how I've seen him act in the past with other children).

4- I sort of mentioned what I did in the other thread to my priest but he was sick and didn't really say much of anything about it, then at my 'other' parish (I go to two different ones, my home parish for daily Mass and Saturday and my '2nd home' parish for Latin Mass on Sundays) but at my 'other' parish Father is in Rome.


#8

I never did get a response on how I should act/react to these types of things. Not that I expect anyone to give me just the right answer, I just need some brainstorming going on so that I can try to determine the best possible way to handle this.
Again, just a few minutes ago, he just told me that he believes that our pagan handfasting was what 'bound' us, and that the Convalidation meant nothing to him at all.
I attempted to nicely explain to him what the Sacrament of marriage is and he pretty much rolled his eyes at me and explained that the pagan handfasting is what mattered, so now, I'm sitting here silent, not knowing what to do or say.
Please give me some ideas on how to act or react to these things. Believe me, it's super hard to sit here and not say anything when he does this stuff. Maybe I am supposed to just sit silent and 'take it' though, if that's the case I'd like to know so that I can just resolve this within myself.
Thanks


#9

[quote="Rachel, post:8, topic:220503"]
I never did get a response on how I should act/react to these types of things. Not that I expect anyone to give me just the right answer, I just need some brainstorming going on so that I can try to determine the best possible way to handle this.
Again, just a few minutes ago, he just told me that he believes that our pagan handfasting was what 'bound' us, and that the Convalidation meant nothing to him at all.
I attempted to nicely explain to him what the Sacrament of marriage is and he pretty much rolled his eyes at me and explained that the pagan handfasting is what mattered, so now, I'm sitting here silent, not knowing what to do or say.
Please give me some ideas on how to act or react to these things. Believe me, it's super hard to sit here and not say anything when he does this stuff. Maybe I am supposed to just sit silent and 'take it' though, if that's the case I'd like to know so that I can just resolve this within myself.
Thanks

[/quote]

You married him knowing that he had different religious beliefs. Your best bet at this point is not to discuss it with him. It is only going to bring you more pain and as long as he thinks it is permament it does not matter which ceremony he thinks made it so. You consistently bringing up points of contention is only going to schism your marriage not stand by your vows like you said you were going to do. So now you need to make a decision. If you are going to stand behind your vows than you need to stay away from subjects that you know you are going to disagree on especially ones that both end up with the same outcome - you both believe your marriage is permament.


#10

[quote="joandarc2008, post:9, topic:220503"]
You married him knowing that he had different religious beliefs. Your best bet at this point is not to discuss it with him. It is only going to bring you more pain and as long as he thinks it is permament it does not matter which ceremony he thinks made it so. You consistently bringing up points of contention is only going to schism your marriage not stand by your vows like you said you were going to do. So now you need to make a decision. If you are going to stand behind your vows than you need to stay away from subjects that you know you are going to disagree on especially ones that both end up with the same outcome - you both believe your marriage is permament.

[/quote]

The pagan handfasting meant nothing. It was not before God, and the Church didn't recognize it, so him believing the handfasting doesn't mean anything. His belief doesn't supersede Church teaching, so if Church teaching says that the org ceremony wasn't valid, then his belief doesn't make it valid either. Either way though, you seemed to have assumed a lot from what I said.
What if HE brings up these things? You assume that I'm doing it, you assume that I'm creating problems in the marriage and not standing by my vows. If I wasn't standing by them, I'd be gone.. seriously. So let me ask this a different way:
How am I supposed to act/react if HE brings up stuff like this or he brings satanist stuff or pagan stuff in my house etc, or if he is constantly negative and nagging me. Am I supposed to just let him do whatever and be silent or am I supposed to react a certain way. If I'm supposed to react a certain way give me some charitable options so that I can hopefully show the Love of God to him while not being a doormat.


#11

[quote="joandarc2008, post:9, topic:220503"]
You married him knowing that he had different religious beliefs. Your best bet at this point is not to discuss it with him. It is only going to bring you more pain and as long as he thinks it is permament it does not matter which ceremony he thinks made it so. You consistently bringing up points of contention is only going to schism your marriage not stand by your vows like you said you were going to do. So now you need to make a decision. If you are going to stand behind your vows than you need to stay away from subjects that you know you are going to disagree on especially ones that both end up with the same outcome - you both believe your marriage is permament.

[/quote]

Oh and I thought I would clarify that I responded with the rephrased question because I'm thinking maybe you responded the way you did based on a preconceived notion about me, and that if I clarified my question the answer may be different. I don't know. Maybe I am supposed to just grin and bear it all in silence.
I would like your opinion and others so I can strategize I guess and figure out what I'm supposed to do based on multiple opinions.
At this point, I'm just remaining silent though.
Thank you joandarc though for your help so far.


#12

I apologize - I was going off of the fact that you said you had brought the YouTube video to him. I am going to tell you something and it’s going to be hard - you can’t convert him. That is between him and God. You can be the best example of God you can be. But that means that if this is going to work you are going to need to call and truce and agree to certain things to make the situation livable such as what will be allowed in the house for EACH of you and where. He may need to get his own area and you may need to get yours. No, it is not the ideal way to start a marriage - but it is better than havng knock down drag out vicious arguments over God. It would be one thing if you married him and then found out but you knew and you married him for better or for worse. There are some Saints you may want to develop a devotion to but you need to leave him alone - if he knows it bothers you he will keep on you about it because it bothers you. Remember pride is as big of a sin as anger as lust as gluttony.

It doesn’t matter why he thought it was permanent. What matters is that he thinks it is permanent and that he agreed to do it - for you. See jmcrae’s comments from the last thread. It is just like you had married a Jewish boy that you had already in Synagogue.

Just some thoughts - that and counseling.


#13

[quote="joandarc2008, post:12, topic:220503"]
I apologize - I was going off of the fact that you said you had brought the YouTube video to him. I am going to tell you something and it's going to be hard - you can't convert him. That is between him and God. You can be the best example of God you can be. But that means that if this is going to work you are going to need to call and truce and agree to certain things to make the situation livable such as what will be allowed in the house for EACH of you and where. He may need to get his own area and you may need to get yours. No, it is not the ideal way to start a marriage - but it is better than havng knock down drag out vicious arguments over God. It would be one thing if you married him and then found out but you knew and you married him for better or for worse. There are some Saints you may want to develop a devotion to but you need to leave him alone - if he knows it bothers you he will keep on you about it because it bothers you. Remember pride is as big of a sin as anger as lust as gluttony.

It doesn't matter why he thought it was permanent. What matters is that he thinks it is permanent and that he agreed to do it - for you. See jmcrae's comments from the last thread. It is just like you had married a Jewish boy that you had already in Synagogue.

Just some thoughts - that and counseling.

[/quote]

Oh I agree that we need some marital counseling.. that's a given :) I think though that when I ask him he'll probably say no. I'm trying to decide how to approach that, I thought maybe just going myself and when he asks me what I'm doing then I can tell him?
I don't know, it seems he's always mad at me for everything so I pretty much walk on egg shells around him a lot.
As far as converting him, I totally know that, have for some time now. I pray for him daily though, because I know if God found me, that nothing is impossible.
You see, before the Convalidation he had stopped doing his witchcraft, went to Mass with me some, and even prayed with me some. He acted like he understood what was going on and gave this impression that he was heading in the same direction as me. After the Convalidation he pretty much went into a rebellion type thing making fun of stuff I believe with friends and being constantly upset about one thing or another. He's mentioned leaving me multiple times also, so I'm just not sure what I should do other than just sit in silence hoping not to upset him.
As far as the truce, I've already tried that. There are certain things I can't cave to, like putting him above God (which he's asked me to do before). So I guess he wants me to cave to all his demands and just be "submissive" all the time, but I can't with some of them, like I have to pray (he doesn't like me to anymore where it used to not bother him), I can't put him before God (obviously).. and when I don't do what he wants, he gets irritated with me, so generally in situations like this I try to just not say anything. Although the other night I told him that I can't put him about God.
It's just hard, I knew it would be. I know that God can fix it though. I just need to know how to act/react or I guess is silence just the best thing for now?


#14

I am not clear what you mean by put him above God -

if you mean going out to do things that are inappropriate well - was he doing these things prior to your marriage - did you expect them to change because of your convalidation?

If it is a matter of balancing Church time and home time - well you do need to do some juggling - but marriage is your only vow. Period. The rest are promises. Remember a mass obligation can be done on Saturday night as well too.

As far as counseling - you sit down you say we both believe this is a comittment and to make it work you believe you both need counseling.

Take the phrase I know out of your vocabularly. If you knew .....(pick an answer)

Pax,


#15

I mean he is very needy (he used to not be this way), he thinks everything in the universe revolves around him (I can’t think of a better way to put it). If he doesn’t get his way he gets upset, irritable, negative, and plays the victim. I’m not saying all this to put him down, I’m just trying to explain how life is around here.
An example of this was Thanksgiving. We were invited somewhere and he didn’t want to go. He wanted to stay home and play WoW instead, no problem, but he was told (by the person that invited us) that the rule was to get food you had to go (this was a blanket rule and others didn’t go and didn’t get food either).
Well, after dinner I called him to tell him I was about to come home and he told me to bring him a plate of food, I reminded him of the blanket rule (as did the person that invited us-we both said it at the same time but not like ganging up on him, more like just matter of fact and almost in a joking way). He proceeded to get very upset with me and act like he hadn’t had food in a month, then hung up saying “I guess I’ll just go have ramen then since there’s nothing else to eat”. There was food here, lots of it, just nothing he wanted. I had to deal with him being mad at me the rest of the night.
As far as putting him above God, he wants me to go out partying, drinking, not pray, basically, I think he wants me to stop going to Church and be a party girl. It’s a constant chore to be able to use MY car to go to Church, I finally had to put my foot down on that and tell him that it’s my car, and he has his own vehicle (he was taking mine so I had no vehicle). I mean, I’d walk to Church if needed, but it’s my car. See, and if I stay silent all the time I end up on foot in the cold walking to Church and have to put up with him being mad at me all the time. Lately though, I’ve just been silent mostly, just to avoid him being angry.

Can you explain this more "Take the phrase I know out of your vocabularly. If you knew …(pick an answer)"
What do you mean “If You know… pick an answer” Are you saying I should say that to him or something? Sorry I have a bit of a stuffy head tonight and on some nyquil stuff lol.
I do like your way of phrasing the counseling stuff. I have to wait until I can get a job though because I know he won’t pay for the counseling. I have looked up where to go already though (did that two weeks ago) so I know where to go, just need a way to cover the cost.
I really do hope God works all this out, it just seems kind of one sided right now with me doing all the work to keep it together. I think if we can get into counseling and he will actually listen we may have a chance at coming to some sort of cohabitational arrangement without either of us losing it :wink:
Thank you again joandark for your help


#16

I don't mean to sound blunt but for somebody that uses the words "I know" so many times in your posts - you came on here before you were married worried about incompatability. You got married anyway. Here you are - brand new into the Sacramental part of your marriage and people are trying to help you and everything is being with I know... I know.... Iknow... This makes it difficult

You need to make a decision. You say you have. Now you need to find joy in that decision. Joy does not always mean happiness. If you are still interested in Secular Orders I would suggest finding one with an active Fraternity and not doing self-consecrations. You need a guided formation where a formation director can guide you in your spiritual growth.

You need to worry less about him right now as he is making it quite clear that you are there to feed and clothe him and worry about your own spiritual growth. Set your boundaries by walking away and not engaging. It will become boring.

And please start counseling.


#17

[quote="joandarc2008, post:16, topic:220503"]
I don't mean to sound blunt but for somebody that uses the words "I know" so many times in your posts - you came on here before you were married worried about incompatability. You got married anyway. Here you are - brand new into the Sacramental part of your marriage and people are trying to help you and everything is being with I know... I know.... Iknow... This makes it difficult

You need to make a decision. You say you have. Now you need to find joy in that decision. Joy does not always mean happiness. If you are still interested in Secular Orders I would suggest finding one with an active Fraternity and not doing self-consecrations. You need a guided formation where a formation director can guide you in your spiritual growth.

You need to worry less about him right now as he is making it quite clear that you are there to feed and clothe him and worry about your own spiritual growth. Set your boundaries by walking away and not engaging. It will become boring.

And please start counseling.

[/quote]

I guess I don't see why you seem to keep getting frustrated with me. I checked and I had one time where I said I know more than once.. "I knew this was going to be hard, and I know God can fix it". Forgive me, I'm not trying to frustrate you, if anything I'm sitting here right now near tears because I guess I'm not getting across my sincerity and motives.
Yea, I guess I screwed up, I was wrong, everyone that told me not to marry him was right. I'm not trying to make it difficult on you by asking for your opinion.
The Secular Order I'm in is an established Community with a solid formation program. The self consecration I did was months ago based off of St Louis de Montfort. It was my way of giving myself to Jesus and Mary because I trust them. The formation program I'm going through with the community though is solid and I'm following their formation in my spiritual growth.
I really feel like I can't do anything right at home, or even on CAF anymore.


#18

[quote="Rachel, post:17, topic:220503"]
I guess I don't see why you seem to keep getting frustrated with me. I checked and I had one time where I said I know more than once.. "I knew this was going to be hard, and I know God can fix it". Forgive me, I'm not trying to frustrate you, if anything I'm sitting here right now near tears because I guess I'm not getting across my sincerity and motives.
Yea, I guess I screwed up, I was wrong, everyone that told me not to marry him was right. I'm not trying to make it difficult on you by asking for your opinion.
The Secular Order I'm in is an established Community with a solid formation program. The self consecration I did was months ago based off of St Louis de Montfort. It was my way of giving myself to Jesus and Mary because I trust them. The formation program I'm going through with the community though is solid and I'm following their formation in my spiritual growth.
I really feel like I can't do anything right at home, or even on CAF anymore.

[/quote]

OK, this may be it just isn't the impression you are giving because you keep using the word I.

In formation it should be a why. Where is your fraternity? Where is your formation director? Where is your sponsor? What are they telling you? This is what I am trying to discern from you that cannot be discerned from a website link - if you have gotten disconnected from them - you need to get reconnected immediately.

It is not my intention to beat up on you - it is just my intention to point out that you need to stop with the "I knows." Because you are new in two vocations. YOU KNOW NOTHING. The sooner you learn that the sooner you will become teachable and start to be able to discern what you need to learn.

Quit being so hard on yourself and get reconnected. They will help you through what you need and it will be easier for your fraternity to get a grasp on what is going on.


#19

[quote="joandarc2008, post:18, topic:220503"]
OK, this may be it just isn't the impression you are giving because you keep using the word I.

In formation it should be a why. Where is your fraternity? Where is your formation director? Where is your sponsor? What are they telling you? This is what I am trying to discern from you that cannot be discerned from a website link - if you have gotten disconnected from them - you need to get reconnected immediately.

It is not my intention to beat up on you - it is just my intention to point out that you need to stop with the "I knows." Because you are new in two vocations. YOU KNOW NOTHING. The sooner you learn that the sooner you will become teachable and start to be able to discern what you need to learn.

Quit being so hard on yourself and get reconnected. They will help you through what you need and it will be easier for your fraternity to get a grasp on what is going on.

[/quote]

My community meets once a month per our constitutions, I'm not doing this via a website.
I said "I know" twice that I'm aware of. I know that I don't know anything. I understand that. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to word things at this point to make you feel like I understand that I really know nothing at all. I'm dumb. I trust in Jesus to show me what to do via the Church and the teachings of the Church. If I knew anything, I certainly wouldn't be on a forum airing all my dirty laundry for the world to see and frustrating you and getting myself in tears.


#20

[quote="Rachel, post:19, topic:220503"]
My community meets once a month per our constitutions, I'm not doing this via a website.
I said "I know" twice that I'm aware of. I know that I don't know anything. I understand that. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to word things at this point to make you feel like I understand that I really know nothing at all. I'm dumb. I trust in Jesus to show me what to do via the Church and the teachings of the Church. If I knew anything, I certainly wouldn't be on a forum airing all my dirty laundry for the world to see and frustrating you and getting myself in tears.

[/quote]

OK, your community meets once per month - but you are in formation. I am in formation - I meet with a formation committee for my phase of formation of three people once a week, and know that i can pick up the phone and call anytime. I also have the entire email list for the Fraternity. If I sent somebody an email and told them i was having this kind of trouble - especially my formation director - I would have a phone call from somebody probably within a few hours of her reading that email. Formation is not something done on your own - it does take some checking in. Call people. Email them. Let them know you need help and you are lost. You are. That is the purpose of a Fraternity. If they are not aware of what is going on and you cannot share - you need to think about if this is the right community with the right charisma for you. It is not an hour a month committment. These are vocations which are identities - they are the first place you should be taking these things and seeking guidance.


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